#parent effectiveness training

[kmeger]

38 weeks and update on how Parent Effectiveness Training is going!

I'm 38 weeks pregnant today which makes me really happy. I had a bout of false labor last week that I thought was the real thing (and trust me when I say I know what the real thing is!!). I was disappointed. However, my teacher emailed me yesterday telling me that I could take my midterm online at home and not have to go in to the testing center. My other teacher has already submitted our midterms to the testing center so I'm taking it today 2 weeks early. It made me realize that they only reason I wanted to have this baby early is because I was stressed about having to go into the testing center right after I gave birth. So now I'm just using this time to get ahead in my classes. It's been a great distraction! 

Over the last month since starting the methods we learned in Parent Effectiveness Training I have noticed a HUGE change in my interactions with my kids. I'm not perfect at it by any means, but it is beginning to be more habit and I'm yelling a lot less and am more confident that we can work anything out. The best thing of all is that Nate complies ALL the time now. Not out of manipulation, but because he genuinely cares about everyone's feelings and the way I approach things makes sense to him so he doesn't fight it. He loves the idea of win-win solutions. He had become obsessed with winning everything so it has been great to be able to say "win-lose is lose-lose". He really tries to come up with good solutions. My kids still fight over things, but I'm learning more and more how to prevent fights. Like when they want to watch different shows I say "ok Audrey picks this one then Nate gets to pick the next one". Then when hers is over she is totally fine with Nate picking the next one. If I don't do that, she has a melt down. Another example is when they both wanted to play with my birth ball. So I set a timer, flipped a coin to decide who got to go first, and every 2 minutes they'd switch. No fighting! I'm loving these new solutions and negotiations and have felt more confident and loving as a mother. It's been really great! I still have a long ways to go and a lot of improvements to make, but I can really see the difference! 

[kmeger]

Negotiation

Ok, I get how I am relentlessly talking about the book Parent Effectiveness Training, but every time I open to a new page I get about 39 new epiphanies that I want to share with EVERYONE. 

I've talked about the importance of I-Messages (the proper way to share your feelings that gives you ownership and doesn't blame the other) and mentioned active listening (how to decode messages without judgment so that your children and others feel understood), but there's a third main part of the book: negotiation. Creating that win-win like I mentioned in the permissive parenting post. 

One of the most common beliefs in our society is the idea that "children want rules and limits". Which is true to an extent, but we believe that the way to implement those rules is by creating a win-lose conflict resolution with a "my house, my rules" kind of solution. However, you can enforce these limits with a win-win and in doing so, actually gives the child more responsibility and intrinsic motivation. 

I came across this quote in the book:  "A person is more motivated to carry out a decision that he has participated in making than he is a decision that has been imposed on him by another" 

It's important to note that it's not about compromising because that's lose-lose. It's about negotiating a deal that works for both of you. We have started doing this with Nate. We straight up say "how can we both win?" And he's getting really good at trying to come up with solutions, but still struggles as it is a new concept. So the other day he wanted to eat cereal while watching his show. I didn't want him to eat in the living room. I told him that I feel frustrated when he eats in the living room because it gets in the carpet and makes a mess that is harder to clean up. So he went in the kitchen and dragged a chair over to the edge of the kitchen so he could see the TV. I pointed out to him that I won because he was eating in the kitchen and I was happy about that, but also that he won because he was able to eat while watching his show. 

I'm really excited about this new tool because I can see the way he is starting to think of solutions to problems. Not only is it giving him more responsibility, but it's an incredibly useful skill he's learning. Barking orders doesn't teach him anything about how I feel about certain things, he only does things so I don't bark orders at him. 

This book has SO much common sense in it to the point you think "why didn't I just already do this?" But it's laid out in a way that makes it so easy to understand. I just can't get enough of it! No book comes more highly recommended than this one. Plain and simple. The world would be a better place if EVERYONE read it! 

[islamship]

6 Simple Steps to Take Stress Out of Game Day with the Kids!

“Game day is stressful for our family members,” stated a daddy who has had a child signed up on a sports team. “I am doing this for my child, but it appears that daily there is a game, I am on him. He needs his uniform clean, his glove ready and we need…

View Post