Being Krista

My path to authenticity.

[kmeger]

The Fault in our Stars

Deal with it, this is happening. My favorite book of all time was adapted to a movie and comes out tomorrow, or today since it’s 3 am. But it really came out yesterday because pretty much all of the theatres in the Salt Lake Valley had night before showings. I have never been excited for a movie to come out like this. Probably the last one was A Walk to Remember when I was 15. I guess I’m a sucker for cancer stories? I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me? But apparently this movie has been called “this generation’s” A Walk to Remember which makes me wonder what the crap that means. I guess I’m not apart of “the generation” anymore. No, I do actually know what that means. It means I’m the one rolling my eyes when the audience screams when the main male character makes his first appearance. Because my age has not been followed by the word teen in 7 years. I am a grown woman with a husband I completely adore and 3 kids. But that does not stop me from loving a great story with witty, deep, and beautiful thoughts. All of which could not make it to the movie for time constraints so I still definitely recommend the book. But, full disclosure, the main male character is pretty hot so for a minute I can just forget about being a grown 20 something and enjoy feeling like I’m in the time of my life where responsibility was something I only thought I had. 

As for the film adaption, I couldn’t have loved it more. Some things did make me a little bit sad that were slightly changed. and I will discuss them in this spoiler. (Go here for spoilers: http://imgur.com/oHE5Joy)

Another note, it was pretty funny to hear the choir of sniffles in the audience. Tissues are an absolute must-have! 

[kmeger]

I am strong!

There I was, sitting on the recliner chair in the tiny living room of that crappy apartment that Phil hated so much, but will always hold a special place in my heart forever. Glancing at the clock on my wall as I held my gorgeous newborn baby girl. It had been 6 hours since she was born and she'd only eaten once at birth for only a couple minutes. But no nurses are in sight. No one is asking me how much I fed her. No one is pressuring me to get her to nurse. No one is threatening a heal stick and a glucose test. It's just me. I am this little girl's mother and sole caregiver. No one is checking up on me. I am completely trusted with her life, safety and happiness. And I can be trusted because I know how to be her mother. And it doesn't matter that she hasn't eaten because I am following her cues. 

It would be another 5 hours before she would eat again. And that girl's latch was amazing. Never forced, no frustration, no stress, just on her schedule when she was ready. And once she started, there was no looking back. That girl nursed for another 2 and a half years. 

This was the story of the most empowering part of Audrey's birth. And this is why I mourned my birth experience with Isaac. Birth stories don't end at the birth. But I am grateful for this NICU experience despite the parts I missed. It has given me a new perspective, a new understanding, and absolutely invaluable information that I will hold in my heart forever. Though it was hard, and I will still have hard days to come as I mourn that loss, I would not have changed a thing because it was important for me to experience it the way it happened. 

The story of the most empowering part of Isaac's birth will be how I pushed without the help from my body because I knew he needed to come down and that it wasn't happening through the contractions alone. I am empowered by understanding how much strength I had to birth such an intensely painful birth. And even through the pain and exhaustion I put my hands on his head as he came out. I held it and felt it as I pushed. I kept my hands there and caught my own baby as he came out of me. That was a pretty mother-effing-awesome feeling. 

I am strong. I am really strong. And if I can do all of that, I can do ANYTHING! 

[kmeger]

Isaac's Birth

I guess now is as good a time as any to write it all down before I forget any of it. 

Through out the night (morning of the 24th) I was having painful contractions. I had a feeling he would be born that day because I was losing my mucous plug (TMI sorry). Around 6 am I decided they were getting more serious, but they were short contractions so I knew it would be a while still. I knew it was real labor. I called my mom to come over and texted my midwife to let her know that it would be that day and that I'd call her when I was ready for her to come. 

Contractions continued through the morning. Very easy laboring. We talked and laughed. At around 10 I decided to take a shower which turned into a bath. I laid on my side and had Phil put a wet towel on top to keep me warm. It felt SOOOO good! While I was in the bath my water broke. I knew it because when I pushed out I could feel an incontrollable gush of fluid. It's hard to explain how it feels, but I knew that's what it was. When I got out, my belly was smaller and you could feel his parts easier. It was weird! 

So I called my midwife and my sister. Since my last birth went so fast (dilated to a 5 to pushing in 15 minutes), we were worried that I'd go really fast once my water broke. So they hurried over. 

Contractions were slow moving. They slowed down enough for me to take a nap so I did. I slept for an hour or so. Then I got up, we all hung out in my living room, I helped Nate and my nephew Austin play Super Mario Galaxy. We relaxed. My contractions weren't too awful. Painful, yes, but I could just close my eyes through them and breath and I was fine. This continued for a couple hours. At around 4:15 ish I started to feel like laboring in my room. They were getting a little longer which was a good sign. At around 5 I started to transition. They got longer and I had to moan through them. They really still were very manageable. No big deal at all. I didn't love them, but a little moaning and i was good. After about 15 minutes of transition I could feel that pushing was coming soon so I got ready for pushing. It felt like I was complete and that his head was going to start moving down. 

At this point the contractions got VERY painful. They were working SOOOOO HARD trying to get him to move down. I didn't quite feel the urge to push like I had with Audrey. But the contractions were more intense than anything I'd ever felt in my life that I felt like I had to push to get him to move down. So I used those contractions to get him down my birth canal. It was the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life. It was so far from what I was expecting and extremely painful. Worse than any pain I'd ever felt in my life. Really quite indescribable. I was planning to breathe through the contractions and let my body push naturally, but it wasn't happening (I know now it's because the cord was around his neck). Finally I felt it burning and I was SO happy to feel the ring of fire. I knew it was almost over and I could feel what was happening and that I wasn't just pushing nothing. I reached my hands down and felt his head, my mom helped push my perineum out of the way  and his head popped out. I still had my hands on him. I couldn't see what was going on behind me so from what I understand Phil helped guide the rest of his body to me and somersaulted his body around the cord while I held his head and he handed me the rest of his body. I thought my midwife did that part. I wish the video didn't get deleted so I could see what happened. I grabbed him and pulled up up to my chest and walked over and laid down on my bed. 

Because of the crazy pushing, I didn't feel quite as much of relief as I should have. It burned bad and I was still in quite a lot of pain. My uterus still hurt a lot till I pushed the placenta out. I felt a lot of relief after that, but was still in a lot of pain. 

He nursed like a champ. It was so crazy! He didn't do the breast crawl because I hurt so much I had to hand him to Phil to do skin to skin so I could get better get readjusted because of the pain I just let him hold him for a while then took him back to feed him. He latched on like you would not believe! It was insane! No struggle at all whatsoever. I could not believe it! 

We are so in love! 

[kmeger]

I've been following this Radical Unschooling group on Facebook. There's not a huge difference between unschooling and RU, it's more about parenting philosophies and not just about the educational aspect. Unschooling is taking away the traditional model of school education and letting the child learn organically the way they would naturally. RU is when you include the parenting philosophy of trust, freedom, and peaceful parenting. Your children are more equals with their parents like partners. It's very different than what our society is used to, but I'm really not here to explain what it is and why I think it works or doesn't. I'll save that for another day. What I want to talk about is a problem that I keep seeing in this community. Because RU focuses on giving up control and trusting your children, I see way too many parents sacrificing themselves to their kids. A big part of this philosophy is that there are no rules. So, one example of this is that there is no enforced bed time. A parent that sacrifices themselves would stay up late and go to bed when their child does in order to not enforce this rule. I have a huge problem with this kind of parenting. Is it the lack of rules? No. It's the lack of boundaries. The goal of RU is to make their lives as much like the real world as possible. In the real world you socialize with people of all ages and are not limited to your age group, you have choices of where you work and who you associate with unlike school where you don't have any choices because you go to the school you're assigned to and interact with those you're assigned to etc. So the problem to me is that in the real world, people don't cater to your every whim like staying up past their bed time just to not enforce yours. You can enforce personal boundaries without enforcing rules. Which is a more natural approach that matches the real world. So no there are no rules in our home. But there are plenty of boundaries. I'm not about to stay up past the time I am tired just to not enforce a bed time for my kids. Nate actually doesn't have a bed time, but because I can't have him up and around the house leaving lights on keeping me awake, my boundary is that I ask him to stay in his room. He usually falls asleep pretty fast, but I give him the choice to do so when he wants. I don't care if he stays up playing with things in his room, I just want him to stay there and he respects that. I don't even tell him he has to, it's not a rule, I just ask him to so that I can meet my need of sleep too. That's win win for both of us. I feel that many RU parents get the idea mixed up that it's ok to have your own needs too. You don't have to enforce rules to meet your needs and it's not healthy to cater to your kids. Boundaries are natural and important. The goal is win win in every situation. It's a good thing to let your children know that something they do bothers you and work out a solution. It's proper conflict management. Negotiation is such an important part of parenting and the best way to set boundaries.

[kmeger]

Well, I felt the effects of the full moon....just not the way I was hoping!!!

I had to run to get a gallon of milk (it's the only thing that really helps me cope with my heartburn. Normally I really don't even like milk or use it). Phil needed to go to bed since he has work in the morning so I decided to go really fast and grab some. I go to Maverick since it's fast and easy. Get it and get out. On my way back this car starts following me somewhat close. So I switch lanes (I needed to anyway) and he does too. The way he switched made it seem like he might be following me, but you know how it is, it could have been coincidence. But he's still driving kind of close and I am thinking "why doesn't he just go around?" but I keep my eye on him. 

I turn into my neighborhood, he turns in. I turn down the first street, he turns too. I decide to skip turning down my street (that ends in a circle) and turn left at the next road. He turns too. So I decide to take an unnatural route through the neighborhood so that I can know he's not following me and go home. Nope. He follows me. 

I start getting really angry and frustrated. This whole time I'm thinking he just wants to tell me that one of my lights is out or that my tire looks flat. I get so embarrassed when people do that so I just want to lose him. I figure a little more driving around and he'll get the hint that I don't want him following me anymore and that I will just look at my lights when I get home to find out which one is burnt out. 

I pull back out onto a main road, so pissed that he is still following me. I pull over so he can pass, but what does he do? He pulls up next to me and stops. I don't make eye contact, I just angrily speed away. I'm sorry, but I really don't care that you want to tell me a light is out, you don't follow someone at night!!!!!!! 

I take the main roads around the perimeter of my neighborhood and turn right onto 4800 W. from 6200 S. I try pulling over again to let him pass, roll down the window and scream "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" He yells something back that I can't understand. I pull into my neighborhood again at the opposite end so I don't know where I am going and find myself in a circle at this point, I am scared he's going to barricade me in and am SO grateful when he doesn't. I get a look at the car and it's an orange-red old VW bug. He looks like he's middle aged and smoking a cigarette. I pull back out onto 4800 w. and by now am thinking "I have no other solution than to call 911". 

I'm starting to question my sanity. "Am I seriously so stubborn that I can't just pull over and hear this guy out?" But then my logic kicks in and I say "no! He needs to know that this is NOT ok and he's crossed the line!" I contemplate pulling over again and yelling "I'm going to call the police!" But decide it's not worth the warning. I call 911. I tell her where I am (at that point I was on 4800 W. coming up on the intersection at 7000 S). I'm shaking and crying. She keeps me calm and tells me to go toward the police station on 8000 S. Redwood Rd (which I think "duh I know where that is", but I was so out of my right mind I couldn't even think of where the police station was). I'm giving her a play by play of where I am. Every red light I stop at I'm afraid he's going to get out of his car or something crazy. 

I turned down New Bingham HWY (I normally would have turned down 7800 S, but was so flustered) and as I'm passing by the airport I see police lights. The lady told me to pull over too so I did and she let me off the phone. The police came up and asked me what happened. I told them everything. I'm crying and shaking. BTW Audrey was with me and kept saying "It's ok mommy, I love you!" Man I love that girl! 

As I'm waiting for them to come back all I can think is "I'm going to get a ticket for having a light out. He was just trying to be a kind citizen and I'm the stupid one here". I was nervous as hell to have them come back. It seemed like FOREVER and finally they walked back and I go, "is one of my lights out?" And the officer is all, "no, no you're fine. So, he's crazy. He thinks he is a famous painter that gets followed by the paparazzi all the time and he hates it. So he targeted a random person (me) to follow around so someone else could feel what he feels." 

Holy crap at this point I'm SOOOOO grateful I called the police, and relieved that I wasn't being an irrational idiot! Which now looking at it, of course he wasn't just trying to tell me my light was out. Who persistently follows someone to do that? I was right to be scared, I was right to feel panicked. Why would I second guess myself like that? 

So I've always been told that the full moon makes people crazy (or emphasizes their existing crazy), but it sure would have been nice if it could have put me in labor instead. When I realized it was a full moon I literally laughed out loud. The irony. I've never been a victim of such crazy, but I guess it was a testament that the full moon must have real powers. Maybe there's still a chance that it will put me into labor. 

...I just wanted to go get some milk. 

[kmeger]

38 weeks and update on how Parent Effectiveness Training is going!

I'm 38 weeks pregnant today which makes me really happy. I had a bout of false labor last week that I thought was the real thing (and trust me when I say I know what the real thing is!!). I was disappointed. However, my teacher emailed me yesterday telling me that I could take my midterm online at home and not have to go in to the testing center. My other teacher has already submitted our midterms to the testing center so I'm taking it today 2 weeks early. It made me realize that they only reason I wanted to have this baby early is because I was stressed about having to go into the testing center right after I gave birth. So now I'm just using this time to get ahead in my classes. It's been a great distraction! 

Over the last month since starting the methods we learned in Parent Effectiveness Training I have noticed a HUGE change in my interactions with my kids. I'm not perfect at it by any means, but it is beginning to be more habit and I'm yelling a lot less and am more confident that we can work anything out. The best thing of all is that Nate complies ALL the time now. Not out of manipulation, but because he genuinely cares about everyone's feelings and the way I approach things makes sense to him so he doesn't fight it. He loves the idea of win-win solutions. He had become obsessed with winning everything so it has been great to be able to say "win-lose is lose-lose". He really tries to come up with good solutions. My kids still fight over things, but I'm learning more and more how to prevent fights. Like when they want to watch different shows I say "ok Audrey picks this one then Nate gets to pick the next one". Then when hers is over she is totally fine with Nate picking the next one. If I don't do that, she has a melt down. Another example is when they both wanted to play with my birth ball. So I set a timer, flipped a coin to decide who got to go first, and every 2 minutes they'd switch. No fighting! I'm loving these new solutions and negotiations and have felt more confident and loving as a mother. It's been really great! I still have a long ways to go and a lot of improvements to make, but I can really see the difference! 

[kmeger]

Parenting Myth #arbitrary number

Myth: A child with good behavior=a good parent. Children that are well behaved can very well be coming from very abusive homes. The good behavior is a survival mechanism. Some kids can appear to be "good" but do things in secret because of the way they are punished. A child can be manipulated into their behavior with enough coercion and force. Results may vary. 

Now, of course, that's not to say that every well behaved child comes from an abusive home. What I am challenging is the idea that behavior is the goal. Good behavior is the natural result of a child with needs that are met. And sometimes, kids are just kids and we need to give them a break because different things are going to be important to them. 

[kmeger]

The Fault in our Stars

Decided to start reading this book yesterday. Couldn't put it down. Cried and laughed and cried and laughed. Finished it. Watched the trailer for the movie 15 times, cried every time. 

I don't know how I can go on living my normal life. Books written in first person can be brutal as you feel like you are the character. 

It got me two days closer to having this baby and forgetting how very uncomfortably pregnant I am. But now what? 

I must find another book now!!!

[kmeger]

Danger!

I spend a decent amount of time on the change my view subreddit (assuming you've heard of Reddit) and every once in a while there's a spanking change my view. Most of the time it's "I think spanking is bad, CMV". Occasionally it's the other way around, but I usually find myself commenting on the first comment and the response is almost ALWAYS, "spanking should never be done out of anger, only in extreme circumstances to protect your child from danger." This response is so insanely common, and I'm not going to get into ALL the reasons I'm against it, I'm just going to challenge you to this view: 

Adults understand danger. Children do not understand danger. If a child is in a dangerous situation, is it their fault that they are there? Is it their fault you took them to a crowded mall? Is it their fault you left the stove unattended, let them play in the front yard by themselves, took them camping, put the knife down in their reach? No. It's not. I completely understand the frustration, but punishing your child for danger that you put them in is irrational. Protect them from danger, pull them out of those situations, emergencies happen I get it. But it's just a poor justification for physically hurting them. There are ways to teach without violence and when they're too young to understand them, that's when they need you to protect them the most. 

That said, there are also neurological reasons why spanking actually can be rather ineffective, but I don't have good solid sources for those claims so I'm not going to post it now, but it just takes a basic understanding of how learning occurs and how the limbic system works. Gabor Mate has some amazing research on it. One day I'll gather all the sources. For now, just keep your kids out of danger and don't blame them for getting into it! I'm guilty of it too, but I don't justify it and I recognize that my reactions were poor and could have been handled better. 

[kmeger]

Half Full

It's moments like this where there's so much I want to do, but I'm just exhausted, uncomfortable, and in pain and all I want to do is complain. I never want to take pregnancy for granted and I feel incredibly grateful that I can have children. So instead I just have to look at the glass half full. In only 3 short weeks I will be full term which will mean that I can start getting serious about the birth and go on long walks. I may not have the baby for 3+ weeks after that, but the point is that in just 3 short weeks, very short weeks, it will be safe to birth at home. Do you know what was 3 weeks ago? January 16th. That was NOT that long ago. In only one week I will be 35 weeks and that means that if I did go into labor for some crazy reason, though I would have to go to the hospital, my baby wouldn't have to go to the NICU. In 2 weeks I wouldn't have to go to the hospital, but I'd still rather go to 37 weeks at least. 

Three very short weeks. 

[kmeger]

Nesting

I've always been a little skeptical of the idea of nesting. I don't know if it's a real instinct or just a desire. What I can say is that one day I decided to clean out my closet and I've had the momentum to get organized since. I've always really struggled with organization and cleanliness. It's not something that came easily to me and still doesn't. Over the years I feel myself getting better and better. I don't let my house get as messy, I clean it more often, etc. So the fact that I am almost completely 100% on top of the laundry is a HUGE feat for me! I mean HUGE. Because what happens is it piles up and then I only wash what we need when we need it. So all the less important stuff never ends up getting washed. Then it gets too overwhelming and ends up getting pushed around to different parts of the house. It's ridiculous and embarrassing, but I don't mind sharing this fact about me because I know there are others that struggle with the same thing and the last thing I would EVER want is to come off as more "perfect" than I really am because that's an illusion. The internet becomes a place where we share our best selves. Well, guess what, I have a less than best side and that includes letting dishes get disgusting because I hate doing them, letting laundry pile up so huge it takes a couple weeks just to get it all done (doing laundry every single day even...I mean just like one or two loads a day, but still), letting my kids eat PB&J's for dinner because I didn't make them anything, having boxes that finally got unpacked after over 2 years living here. 

So sharing that I'm almost done with my laundry is such a huge accomplishment for me. It makes me so excited and I feel more ready to have my baby and to let visitors into every room in my house without saying "oh don't go in there please!!" without having to run and shut a door because there's clothes all over the floor. I just want to tell everyone about it, but realize how stupid it sounds. Not to mention I hate those facebook statuses that list all the accomplishments "I organized my closet, folded 3 loads of laundry, and read 5 chapters of my book." UGH! It makes it sound like it's a regular thing. So I'm sharing here, where my audience is but a few. I'm just SO happy about it!!! So thank you for letting me share this with you! 

[kmeger]

It's Only Fair

I make it a point not to care if someone I don't like doesn't like me. I mean it's only fair right? You can never ever be someone that absolutely everyone likes right? It's impossible! There will ALWAYS be someone that just plain doesn't like you. I extend this to other things. Like today Phil told me that two of our friends took him out to dinner before we were engaged and tried to talk him out of marrying me. Does it bother me? I have very low opinions of both of the people he mentioned and could honestly care less what they thought. I laugh now because of how well our marriage turned out and how incredibly happy we are. But it might bother me more if it was people I really cared about saying that. So lately I've been thinking about this one person in my life that has always always always treated me like I'm an idiot. Always questions everything I say or do. It bugs me so much. I've found myself thinking of ways to prove my intelligence to this person. Until last night I was driving by myself and a thought occurred to me that actually made me laugh out loud. I realized that I honestly think this person is an idiot. I mean that sounds harsh, but I have to wonder if they have picked up on this and that is why they treat me like I'm one. Either way I just realized, why do I care what this person thinks of my intelligence? I don't think very highly of his so it's only fair.

[kmeger]

We Really Lucked Out

This is a phrase we say often in our house. We have been married almost 7 years and only knew each other for a year and a half before we got married. What a dangerous thing to do! Sometimes I can't even believe how common it is here and how dangerous it can be. The fact that we ended up being surprised with Nate so soon after is just craziness all around. We were putting ourselves at so much risk and didn't even know it. But fortunately, we really lucked out. We have had our ups and downs. We went through an extremely difficult time where we really had to reevaluate our marriage and relationship and figure out where our priorities lie. Overcoming those hard times made me look at our relationship in a completely different way. Now I know with certainty that there is no other person in this world more perfect for me than Phil and vice versa. And this is why: -I can be myself 100% without judgment. -He is my partner in parenting and isn't someone I have to convince to do crazy things like unschool, home birth, cosleep etc. because he looks at the research himself and doesn't rely on me to be the bearer of facts. -He always makes me feel pretty no matter how gross I feel. -He never puts me down behind my back. I know you're thinking "how would she know?" I just do. -He supports me in everything I want to do and trusts me. -He makes me laugh HARD. -He makes me think and grow. -He believes in me. I may not have known then how perfect he was for me, but I know now that I really lucked out!

[kmeger]

Negotiation

Ok, I get how I am relentlessly talking about the book Parent Effectiveness Training, but every time I open to a new page I get about 39 new epiphanies that I want to share with EVERYONE. 

I've talked about the importance of I-Messages (the proper way to share your feelings that gives you ownership and doesn't blame the other) and mentioned active listening (how to decode messages without judgment so that your children and others feel understood), but there's a third main part of the book: negotiation. Creating that win-win like I mentioned in the permissive parenting post. 

One of the most common beliefs in our society is the idea that "children want rules and limits". Which is true to an extent, but we believe that the way to implement those rules is by creating a win-lose conflict resolution with a "my house, my rules" kind of solution. However, you can enforce these limits with a win-win and in doing so, actually gives the child more responsibility and intrinsic motivation. 

I came across this quote in the book:  "A person is more motivated to carry out a decision that he has participated in making than he is a decision that has been imposed on him by another" 

It's important to note that it's not about compromising because that's lose-lose. It's about negotiating a deal that works for both of you. We have started doing this with Nate. We straight up say "how can we both win?" And he's getting really good at trying to come up with solutions, but still struggles as it is a new concept. So the other day he wanted to eat cereal while watching his show. I didn't want him to eat in the living room. I told him that I feel frustrated when he eats in the living room because it gets in the carpet and makes a mess that is harder to clean up. So he went in the kitchen and dragged a chair over to the edge of the kitchen so he could see the TV. I pointed out to him that I won because he was eating in the kitchen and I was happy about that, but also that he won because he was able to eat while watching his show. 

I'm really excited about this new tool because I can see the way he is starting to think of solutions to problems. Not only is it giving him more responsibility, but it's an incredibly useful skill he's learning. Barking orders doesn't teach him anything about how I feel about certain things, he only does things so I don't bark orders at him. 

This book has SO much common sense in it to the point you think "why didn't I just already do this?" But it's laid out in a way that makes it so easy to understand. I just can't get enough of it! No book comes more highly recommended than this one. Plain and simple. The world would be a better place if EVERYONE read it! 

[kmeger]

Hugs not Drugs....Actually...Drugs

In college I actually had a shirt that said "hugs not drugs". I think about the person I was back then and I wasn't really sending an anti drug message so much as a pro hugging message, but the point is that I can't say I ever imagined I'd be one to advocate the legalization of drugs. But here I am in 100% in support. Let the people wreak havoc on the earth and rampage in their insane recreational drug usage yeeaah!!!  Ok let's not go too far here. I'm not advocating the usage of hard drugs. I don't actually want people to do these drugs, I'm simply stating that they should have the freedom to do so if that's what they please. There are many many reasons why making drugs illegal hurts more than helps, but here are my top 5 reasons for believing the drug war needs to end NOW!  1-Violence and Murder. It's not difficult to find horrific pictures of mangled bodies and articles reporting thousands of murders and violence every day in South and Central Americas. I've seen them pop up on sites like Reddit countless times. It feels like it's one big blood bath down there. And here we are sitting pretty in the US sipping our soda complaining about how the borders aren't tight enough and they need to crack down on immigration to keep all those criminals out. OH you mean the criminals that WE CREATED WITH OUR DRUG LAWS? Yes our drug laws. That black market we created that formed drug cartels that prey on innocent lives to give warnings to their law enforcement to not mess with them. It's easy to ignore when it's not happening here. It's also easy to blame it on the drugs and the people that use them, but that's not going away simply because they're illegal. However, violence and murder can go away if those drug cartels no longer had power because they are no longer needed. End of story. 

2-Overpopulated prisons. The state uses force to steal our money (via taxes) then uses that stolen money to lock up people that have only committed crimes against themselves. Non-violent drug offenders have no business in prison. Now if they commit a violent act while on the drugs, then by all means, they should be removed from hurting more people. But when someone does a drug, they are only hurting themselves. How is locking them up protecting us? It's wasting our money and yet somehow drugs still make their way into prisons. Doesn't seem to be doing the job it should be. Why? Because...

3-Druggies can't seek medical attention. Or at least they are far less likely to do so. If drugs were legal and we were able to treat drug abuse like a public health issue and not a crime, drug abuse would decrease. They did this exact thing in Portugal. 

4-Drug addicts would not have to seek out shady dealers that lace their drugs. If people were free to buy AND sell drugs, there would be competition and more reliable, clean sources of getting them. Drug use would be safer and less people on the streets dealing. 

5-Marijuana is an incredibly useful medication that cannot be used for to treat illnesses like chronic seizures because of the laws in many states. It's not addicting and natural and much safer than even alcohol. 

I hope this has at least made you think twice about thinking keeping drugs illegal is better than not. It's definitely something I feel strongly about and am happy to see Washington and Colorado doing the right thing! I hope they pave the way for the future! 

[kmeger]

Not to be Confused with Permissive Parenting

There are many false dichotomies in our culture. Too many. It’s human nature to simplify things in our brain. If it’s not one thing then it’s the other. If you don’t have conservative ideals then you must be liberal. If you’re not a man, you’re a woman. If you’re not rich, you’re poor. In the back of our minds we know everything isn't black and white, but our minds choose to see that so we don’t have to process all the color at once. When presenting my parenting ideals with others I see this a lot. You’re against punishments and consequences? Well, then you must be a permissive parent. Woh calm down guys! Remember that rainbow? I promise you, this is that. It’s beautiful, magical, and greatly improves your life mmkay? I wouldn't share this message if I didn't think so! 

Not only is there a false dichotomy in our culture, this idea that there are only two parenting styles is commonly taught in psychology and development classes (I have taken many). Wikipedia presents these as the 4 main types (though does list some other styles at the bottom of the page):  -Authoritarian-demanding but not responsive. -Authoritative-demanding but responsive -Neglectful-neither demanding nor responsive -Indulgent-not demanding but responsive. 

Though there are 4 types listed, I still say it is 2 types because the first 2 describe the authoritarian style and the second 2 describe the permissive style. 

When you look at these it becomes very clear why people often confuse the peaceful positive parenting style that I advocate with the indulgent parent. Because it's not demanding, but it is responsive....in a completely different way. 

The indulgent parent is often called the "friend parent". They just want to be liked. They give in to the child's every whim and demand. They don't follow through. They don't punish. They allow their children to be reckless. We've all seen it. It's a dangerous, terrible way to parent. 

There's something missing in these explanations. These 4 styles focus on two words: responsiveness and control. There is one more word that should be in there: responsibility. 

Authoritarian styles are controlling, responsive/non responsive, and the responsibility belongs to the parent.  Permissive styles are not controlling, responsive/non responsive, and lack responsibility completely.  Peaceful parenting styles are not controlling, responsive, and the responsibility belongs to the child and parent respectively. 

We are all responsible for our own problems. When you tell your children what to do, you are taking on their problems as your own. But if you listen and empathize, you allow your child to solve the problem for themselves. You also communicate your needs in return.

The focus is on the relationship and meeting needs. A friendship is a type of relationship, but the kind of relationship we are trying to cultivate is more like a partnership. 

I've only had this understanding and realization of where responsibility lies since reading Parent Effectiveness Training (seriously you haven't bought it yet? Go buy it). It makes so much sense. I haven't been and still am not a perfect parent. Not even close! I've fallen into the trap of going back and forth between permissive and authoritarian styles. I didn't want to punish, but then I'd become too lenient and get frustrated and feel like I had no other options. The ambivalence is actually worse! It has been a really bumpy journey trying to find just the right mix and I really truly, from the bottom of my heart, please listen to me because I don't want you to struggle like I have, believe that P.E.T. is the answer. The reason it is the answer is because it just helps you understand where you are struggling, how you are, and what to do to fix it. It is amazing. Read it even if you're not a parent because the lessons it has are amazing for relationships in general. Phil and I constantly use it on each other now and we know we can resolve any conflict. Go buy it for reals guys. 

[kmeger]

Random Thoughts

Just to get it out of the way, I didn't get that job. Though the high pay would have been nice, I just have to say that I'm pretty relieved. Relieved that it was out of my control. I didn't feel that job was going to put me on the path to the REAL career I want which is to do medical coding at home with my family nearby. If I'm going to be a working mom, I don't want to be forced to spend so much time away from my family like my mom had to. And I felt like that job was going to cut my maternity leave short and I was starting to feel really uneasy about that! So overall, I'm not upset. I'm happy about it. 

Second item of business, I got a kindle. I've been wanting to read more and be that example for my kids especially with unschooling because that's the most important way to teach is through example. The kindle has made it 100,000 times easier and better. I'm SO glad I got it. I've already almost finished the book Divergent which was recommended to me by one of my best friends Heather. She converted everyone she knows haha! The past couple nights I've been reading until I can't keep my eyes open. Which made me think of an ad campaign for the kindle, maybe I should pitch it to them: The scenes change to show several people reading in bed. They all start to fall asleep and the kindle hits their face, but it's super lightweight so it doesn't hurt at all. The narrator explains this then reads the slogan at the end, "Kindle. Read until you smack your face."  What do you think? Haha that happened to me the past two nights. 

Last thing, I've been getting more involved with the unschooling community. I was added to a local group by a new friend of ours who is also an unschooler (a fun side note, I made a comment in the group and was surprised to see my midwife like it! Had no idea she was also an unschooler!). This led me to a new facebook community of Radical Unschoolers. I introduced myself and explained my journey to homeschooling through being told Nate was different and that I decided I didn't want him to be labeled. Someone commented saying we came into it the same way and that now her son is 17 and taught himself computer animation. I just love to hear things like that! I really feel like this is the right choice for us.