To The One Who Loves Him Next
"To the one who loves him next:
This isn’t a letter telling you to fuck right off because he’s mine, or anything as ridiculous as that- no, it’s almost the opposite in fact. It may be weird to be receiving this letter from me, as the previous person who loved him- and it is, no doubt, but this is written straight from the heart of a person who only wants the best for him; who only wants him to find his happiness.
I’m sure you do too.
First off, I hope that you know how lucky you are to be able to call him yours; I hope you realize what a privilege it is to have his love. He’s the most wonderful, caring, loving, absolutely perfect boyfriend one could ever have; but you probably already know that.
What you may not realize is how much you’ll come to depend on him- how much he’ll take over your thoughts, your life, your time, till there’s nothing else (and no one else) that seems to matter but him.
Nothing does. No one does. "
~
To the one who loves him next:
This isn’t a letter telling you to fuck right off because he’s mine, or anything as ridiculous as that- no, it’s almost the opposite in fact.
It may be weird to be receiving this letter from me, as the previous person who loved him- and it is, no doubt, but this is written straight from the heart of a person who only wants the best for him; who only wants him to find his happiness.
I’m sure you do too.
First off, I hope that you know how lucky you are to be able to call him yours; I hope you realize what a privilege it is to have his love. He’s the most wonderful, caring, loving, absolutely perfect boyfriend one could ever have; but you probably already know that.
What you may not realize is how much you’ll come to depend on him- how much he’ll take over your thoughts, your life, your time, till there’s nothing else (and no one else) that seems to matter but him.
Nothing does. No one does.
He’s always the most important- He should always be your number one priority, because you’ll definitely be his.
You’ll always want him around, and when he can’t be, you’ll find yourself lost amidst thoughts of him. And you’ll love it all, because being with him is always going to beat being with anyone else (even if it’s just in your thoughts and dreams).
~
Louis sighed, tapping incessantly at the table as he listened to Eleanor chatter away about something- a new purse, maybe- and he was just so bored, because he didn’t care what the latest fashion sense was, and he most certainly didn’t want to hear about it; never wants to hear another word about it, having been subjected to this torture for the past few hours that he’d been forced into this date with her- not unless it was Harry doing the talking at least.
Harry.
He sighed again, this time with undisguised bliss, eyes glazing over with adoration as his mind filled with thoughts about his boyfriend. He wondered what Harry was doing right at this moment, if he was lazing on the couch, that tanned toffee smelling crocheted blanket draped over his long legs as he watched whatever movie he had on- knowing Harry, it was probably Love Actually, Louis mused- brows furrowed with intense concentration.
He wondered if Harry was thinking of him.
“-is? Lou!” Louis snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of his name, glancing over to find Eleanor staring at him, fond amusement in her eyes.
“Sorry, what was that?”
“I asked if you were ready to leave, but I can tell you are- thinking of Harry again, huh?” She teased, a bright grin playing on her lips as he let out a sheepish laugh, blushing faintly as he rubbed at his neck.
“I’m not that obvious, am I?” Eleanor snorted, rolling her eyes before pinning him with a single raised brow.
“Lou, babe, you’re practically shooting hearts out of your eyes. You’re lucky that you’re with me; imagine the scandals you’d be drowning in if it’d been anyone else!”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. I really need to be more careful.” Louis winced, shaking his head in disappointment with himself- even though he could tell that she was only joking, she was right. He shuddered just thinking about the PR nightmare he’d be ensnared in if he’d been caught looking as fond as he did while thinking of his boy when out with anyone else, or God forbid, looking at anyone else.
“Hey no, none of that. It’s fine, I’m just teasing. It’s nice, you know… To see you that you have someone that makes you so happy, the way he does. And I wish that we didn’t have to do this either, that you could just be, but… it is what it is, eh? Anyway, let’s go. You can drop me off at home, and spend the rest of the day with your boy instead.”
“Are you sure? What about management?”
“I think we’ve done enough for today. If they asked, I’ll tell them I felt unwell.”
“Seriously? Thanks, El!”
~
“Haz, I’m home!” Louis announced cheerfully, quickly toeing off his Vans and kicking them haphazardly behind him as he skipped through the hallways in search of his boyfriend.
“Haz? Baby, where are you?” He called, frowning slightly at the resounding silence in the flat, digging his phone from his pocket to check for any missed messages.
That’s strange… He didn’t say he was heading out…
Louis wandered distractedly to their bedroom, jerking to a stop when he spotted tendrils of familiar curls dangling over the armrest of their couch. He crept closer, a wide grin breaking out on his face at the sight of his lanky boy draped across the couch, lips slightly parted in his sleep. Shuffling to fit himself comfortably under Harry’s arm, Louis smiled contentedly, cuddling closer when Harry’s arm tightened around him even in the curly haired male’s unconscious state.
He’d wanted to have a nice romantic evening with his boy- dinner and movies, followed by a nice relaxing bath and other things, perhaps, but it didn’t matter much, he thought; as long as he had Harry with him, it was perfect nonetheless.
And if Harry found himself gently coaxed awake with warm kisses trailed across his skin, bleary green eyes brightening at the sight of his smaller boyfriend, their evening proceeding with dinner and movies and that very relaxing bath, ending with said other things- Well, neither of them were complaining.
~
To the one that loves him next:
It’ll be tiring- soul sucking- not being with him (of course not!), but everything else. The hiding and pretending, dealing with management… the constant fighting.
Not with him, against him, of course. But with him, together.
You and him against the rest of the world.
You’ll hate the little schemes that management comes up with; hate watching him having to parade around with some other chick (but be thankful that at least, it’s not some other guy), but just remember that at the end of the day, it’s you that he’ll be coming home to- he’ll make sure to assure you of that too.
You’ll wonder about the day that you can finally be free to be together; wonder when it’ll come, if it’ll ever come, and the fear will grip you at times because what if it never does?
And it’s terrifying, because it’s so, so suffocating.
But he’ll make everything seem like it’ll be alright, because he’s your light in these times of darkness. He’ll understand it, all your little fears, and he’ll hold you close and tell you to be patient, because someday…
Someday.
You’ll remember a time where things were much simpler; where being famous seemed like the only choice, because you would be able to provide a better life for your mum- and that’s all that mattered to you. You’ll remember the advice your mum gave you, and years on now, you’ll finally understand what she meant all those years back- and you’ll realize how true it is.
You’ll never regret it though, falling in love with him, because you won’t be able to imagine anything that could possibly be more wonderful than being in love with the absolute perfection that is Harry Styles.
~
Louis sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration as his head threatened to implode with the way it was pounding, the headache that had been gradually building up through the day now a steady throbbing.
“You alright, Lou?”
“Yeah, fine, I just. I really hate this.” He mumbled resignedly, letting his head fall back onto Harry’s shoulders as he felt long fingers press into the knots of his own soothingly.
“I know… I hate it too. But it just a publicity stunt- just like you and Eleanor. It doesn’t mean anything, because at the end of the day I’ll be coming home to you, and I love you.”
“I love you too. It’s just… When will it end, Haz? When can we finally be free and allowed to just be us?”
“I don’t know, Lou… But whatever it is, whatever happens, we’ll get through it together. We’ll always be us, even if we can’t flaunt it the way we want to right now, but we’ll make it there someday. We just have to be patient. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Louis wondered when it’d all started to feel so tiring, so draining, and utterly soul sucking. He wondered when it begun to make him almost, almost, wish he’d never auditioned for X factor; never made it, never became famous; almost, because he would never give this up- the fans, the boys, Harry- couldn’t give this up even if he tried.
He wouldn’t- couldn’t regret anything that brought Harry into his life.
He remembered how he’d told his mum, young as he was at the mere age of ten, that he wanted to be successful when he got older; that he wanted to be rich and famous so that she would never have to worry again, because he’d take care of her.
He remembered how she’d laughed and cooed at him, before bringing him into a warm hug and explaining to him, as seriously and simply as she could to her little boy.
“That’s lovely, boo, thank you. But you know… Success isn’t all about money, or fame. I hope you’ll remember that.”
He remembered how he didn’t understand it back then; how he’d stared up at her with confused eyes and a little frown because surely, surely, it was that simple. After all, their struggles had only been brought about by a lack of money.
He wished it was that simple.
~
To the one that loves him next…
Trust him.
He’ll never leave you- not unless you push him away. Forget your insecurities; or better yet, tell them to him, because he’ll assure you over and over again otherwise, until you believe him, and he’ll stick by you through it all.
You may fight about things, as most couples do, and you may end up saying things that you don’t mean and hurting each other. He may walk out, and you’d think he hated you and that you’d lost him forever. And it will send you into a panic, and cause you to have an attack, because you don’t know how to be without him.
But that’s alright, all it takes is a simple apology- a simple I love you and I need you- and he’ll come back.
He’ll always come back to you, because he loves you.
You may think that he’s precious- and he is, but he is not fragile. He’ll want to protect you, as much as you’ll want to protect you. He’ll tell you that he loves you, but that he’s not scared of loving you, only of losing you, and that you make him strong when he’s with you. He’ll make you feel strong too, and hold the pieces of you together until you can hold on once again.
You don’t have to be strong.
You’re never in this relationship alone, and I hope you’ll remember that.
He’ll make it feel like home.
~
Their first- well, not exactly the first, but their first actual fight, came about after a long day of interviews and meetings and being told that they couldn’t be together, because of some reason or another. It didn’t really come as a surprise to any of them, all things considered- they were stressed; had been snapping at each other all week, and this, whatever it was, had just been the final straw.
Louis wasn’t entirely sure how it happened- how it’d escalated so rapidly; one second they’d been grumbling about something, and the next, he was screaming at Harry, the latter looking equally as furious as he felt.
“Then leave, why don’t you?! Just leave, Harry, I won’t stop you.”
“Lou-”
“No. Leave, Harry.” He stated firmly, turning away from the other male to shield himself from the hurt he knew would be splayed across his face- the hurt that would only be mirroring his own, yet aggravating his by a million times over because it would be on him.
Louis was too much of a coward, much too weak, to face it- all the damage his words caused.
It’s not till the door slams shut that he broke with a choked sob, feeling his blood run cold as the sudden realization of what he had just done dawned upon him.
“Oh my God.” He whipped his phone out, fingers trembling as he frantically punched at the keys, almost dropping his phone numerous times in his anxiety.
Harry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, please don’t leave me. Please come back, Haz, please.
Louis let out a sob, sinking to the ground in as the message marked as read, yet with no bubbles following to show that a reply was in progress.
He probably hates me.
Oh God, he’s going to leave me.
It’s with that thought that everything comes crashing down, his vision blurring, head spinning, heart pounding, lungs constricting as he gasped for air, breaths coming quick and fast. He scrambled to get to his inhaler, heart thumping painfully and breaths shortening into a full blown panic attack when his legs crumbled weakly beneath him, sending him sprawling back down.
Harry. He needed Harry; Harry would know what to do, would make everything better.
But Harry wasn’t here, and he couldn’t breathe.
“Lou? Where are you?” He heard over the rush of blood in his ears, relief crashing over him because Harry had found him, and he was going to be okay, because Harry wouldn’t let anything happen to him- wait, no.
“Seriously, you better not be giving me the silent treatment after asking me to come back.” He tried calling out to him, panicking when he heard the front door shut and footsteps heading towards the stairs, a mantra of HarryHarryHarryHarryHarry going through his head, a barely audible frail croak emerging from his throat instead.
“H-Haz-”
“Lou? Oh, shit.” He felt- felt more than heard, because of the ringing in his ears- Harry sprinting up the stairs to their room, and a brief moment later, strong arms winding around his waist and delicately hoisting him into a seated position, head cushioned by a firm chest as his inhaler was edged between his lips. Louis clutched desperately at Harry’s sleeve as he struggled with strangled wheezes, because it wasn’t working, he still couldn’t breathe, and he needed to breathe, even if just so that he could tell his boy that he loved him and that he needed him like the air he breathed (Haha, pun intended, need to remember that for Harry, he thought distractedly).
“Here, Lou- Come on, babe. Deep breaths for me, I need you to focus- Lou, just look at me.” His eyes instinctually flicked up to meet Harry’s worried ones at the command, erratic breaths slowing automatically as he felt a wave of calm settle over him- the way it always did when Harry was around.
“There we go, boo. You’re okay.”
“H-Harry.” He whimpered silently, tears spilling over his flushed cheeks- his asthma attack leaving him emotionally wrought and vulnerable as they always did- as he felt the other male smooth a reassuring palm down his chest, rubbing small circles into his skin.
“Shh, it’s alright, Lou. You’re okay, we’re okay. I’m not leaving you, babe, I’ll never leave you. Just breathe for me, alright?”
“I’m sorry.” Louis ventured quietly, when he could breathe somewhat steadily and no longer felt suffocated, intertwining his fingers with Harry’s where they rested on his stomach.
“Mm? What for? There’s nothing to be sorry for, Lou.”
“For the yelling. For- for telling you to leave, and for hurting you. I didn’t mean to- I don’t want to ever again.”
“I know, boo, I know. And it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to, and ‘sides, I did too. Hurt you, I mean, and I’m so sorry for that too. I shouldn’t have walked out.” He nodded mutely, not wanting to start another argument about whose fault it really was (it was his, of course- that much he was undoubtedly sure of), fidgeting hesitantly before voicing his thoughts in a small, timid whisper.
“…What if we break, Haz? What if it gets too much for us, and we-”
“We won’t.”
“How can you be so sure?” Louis let out an embarrassing squeak as he was abruptly lifted into Harry’s lap, straddling his hips, the younger male leaning forward to rest their foreheads together intimately.
“I told you that no matter what happened, we’d make it through together, and I meant that. You’re it for me, Lou, and I don’t think I could ever leave you, not even if I tried- I can’t imagine even wanting to. And I can’t imagine a life where you’re not with me- where we’re not together, because you and me, we’re written in the stars. You’re mine, just like I’m yours, and that’s the way it’s always going to be.”
“But what if I’m not strong enough, Haz?”
“Then I’ll hold us together. I’m not sorry to say that I need you, Lou. I don’t care to show the world that I do- I’m not scared of that. I’m not scared of loving you, only of losing you, because when I’m not with you, I’m weaker- you make me strong.”
“That sounds like a song.” He giggled lightly as Harry peppered little kisses all over his face, nuzzling into his neck to place a gentle kiss by his jaw.
“Maybe I’ll write it into one, just for you.”
(He did, and named it Strong. It made Louis cry, and in a sudden burst of inspired adoration, he wrote one too, and named it Home.)
~
To the one who loves him next:
It’s not easy.
You’ll get sick of the hiding, of the beards, of not being able to be with him in public. You’ll be tired of having to pretend that you’re something you’re not; of denying the relationship between you two. You’ll wish you could hold his hand, that you could hug him and kiss him, that you could shout it from the rooftops so that everyone who know that he was yours, and that you were his.
But you can’t.
You’ll have to watch him flirt and be flirted with by other people, just like he’ll have to watch you go through the same. You’ll hate it, and so will he. And it may surprise you how possessive he can get, though in hindsight, maybe it wouldn’t since it’ll be obvious just how much he loves you.
Kiss him, and love him, and tell him that you’ll always be his- because you will be, once you’ve fallen for him, there’s no taking back.
You’ll go on romantic dates on your days off (far and few between, but take what you can get), complete with handholding and little kisses, and it’ll be perfect. Until you’re spotted and have to split up to avoid the speculations and rumours, because God knows that management will try to break you apart (again) if that happens. You’ll dream of the day you can finally be with him the way you always wished you could be- married and eagerly awaiting the adoption of your children. And you’ll wish… Oh, how you’ll wish.
But it is what it is.
No, it’s not easy.
But I’m not sure that anything worth it ever is. And if there’s ever just one thing you want to fight for in your entire life, he’ll be the one.
~
It wasn’t easy; the hiding, the beards, the publicity stunts, the having to deny who they were, over and over again- they never thought that it would be, because things that were worth it rarely came easy.
Harry sighed inaudibly, nursing the half-drunk cocktail in his hands distractedly as he flashed a polite (and incredibly bored) smile at his companion. She’d approached him at the bar, where he’d been waiting for their drinks, introduced herself with a high pitched giggle, and promptly proceeded to fawn over him and drone on about how much of a fan she was of him- he would have been so much more appreciative and flattered of the praise, if she’d only been genuine and not blatantly flirting with him.
He glanced over to where Louis was, seated in a booth with the other boys, eyes softening fondly when the older male threw his head back in raucous laughter. His brows narrowed as he caught sight of a tall quiffed male sauntered towards their table, leaning over Louis in a clearly suggestive manner. He watched in silent anger, jaw tensing, raging jealousy clawing at his chest when the stupid guy places a hand on his Louis’ thigh.
“Excuse me.” Harry gritted out, barely noticing the disappointed look shot his way as he stalked back to their table, slipping in beside Louis and throwing an arm around his shoulder possessively.
“Hey love.” He greeted casually, Louis cuddling closer into his side with barely concealed mirth dancing in those sparkling orbs, raising an eyebrow condescendingly at the stranger when he scowled down at him.
“Sorry, was I interrupting something?” Harry questioned as he looked to Louis, disregarding the disgruntled male still standing by their table, coaxing a wave of adorable giggles from the smaller male as he winked at him.
“No, you weren’t, love- Perfect timing actually, as always. Matthew-” Louis answered, eyes glued to his boyfriend’s as he motioned in the general direction of said male dismissively, ignoring the stifled chokes of laughter from the other boys when he spat out a ‘it’s Mark’.
“-sorry, Mark here was just about to leave.”
“Wanna dance, Lou?” Harry smirked lightly, taking Louis’ hand in his to lead him out to the dance floor, choosing a dark corner where they wouldn’t be noticed as much. He dropped his arms to Louis’ hips, swaying them side to side for a few moments, gaze burning intensely into the caramel haired male.
“Hey. I love you.” Louis whispered with a small smile- as if he was confessing a deeply held secret- looping his arms around Harry’s neck, fingers playing with the soft tufts of hair there.
Harry ducked down to press a kiss to the underside of Louis’ jaw, trailing fiery kisses across the skin of his neck. Louis gasped as he nibbled on his earlobe before moving to mouth wetly at the sweet spot just beneath, one hand shooting up to Harry’s neck to hold him there.
“What’s gotten into you, babe?”
“Nothing. I just wanna show the world that you’re mine.” Louis huffed out a breathless laugh, blood singing and spine tingling pleasantly with all the attention lavished upon him.
“I’m all yours, Haz. Always have been, always will be.”
~
But sometimes they wished, just wished that it could be, that they could just be.
Times like this, when they finally, finally, had a long awaited day off and decided to go on a date, treating themselves to fine dining at a fancy restaurant close by, followed closely by shared kisses and blissful laughter over ice cream from that little shop around the corner (the only one that they ever went to really, because they had the best ice cream in town, and also because the owners were kind enough to keep a special booth hidden away from public just for them), and ending with a slow stroll through the park.
It had all been going perfectly, until they were met with a gaggle of squealing fan girls in the park. They hurriedly broke apart, Louis tucked further into his hood as he ducked his head and hunched his shoulders, slinking away unnoticed with a quick glance and nod to Harry- they’d been trained for this; would never have been allowed out together by management otherwise- not that they were really allowed to anyway.
Sometimes Louis wondered what life would have been like if they weren’t famous; if he’d still met Harry (because they would have, of course they would- they were soul mates, after all), but without all the fame and glamour; without all the spotlights on them, the gossips and speculation, the paparazzi and fans, the beards and management; without the stress, the hurt, the longing.
They’d be able to be, Louis thought, to be able to just go on dates as they wished, giggling over shared ice creams and romantic candlelit dinners, holding hands in the park and exchanging sweet kisses, and they would never have to hide their love, never have to let go.
If they’d met under different circumstances- Louis having wandered into the bakery Harry’d been working at perhaps, and chatted up the guy with those gorgeous green eyes, those curls and those absolutely wonderful dimples, exchanging numbers and asking him out on a date, that turning into another and another, turning into forever- maybe they would be happily married by now; maybe they’d even be on the waitlist for adoption, eagerly awaiting this next change of their lives together.
But they hadn’t.
And as much as they wished for it, this was their lives now.
It is what it is.
~
To the one who loves him next:
Sometimes he’ll feel lonely. Sometimes you will too; no matter how many friends you’re surrounded by, it just won’t feel right.
You’ll have to go for trips away from him, and you will spend every single second hating it, because he’s not with you. You’ll have sleepless nights, missing that familiar warmth beside you, and it’s only his sweaters that you’d stolen that will bring the slightest of comforts to you.
You’ll be so glad to finally go home to him- because anywhere he is, home is.
You may see him as a strong, confident, unbreakable being, and while he usually is, he does have his moments too.
He’s got a good heart; a big heart, and an incredibly soft one at that too, and unfortunately, that means that he’s more vulnerable. He’s always going to try and please everyone, and yet not everyone will return that favour, and sometimes the hurt and rejection builds up too much for him to handle.
And he’ll break, and he’ll need you to hold him tight, and tell him that you’re there, that you love him, that he’s enough.
Because sometimes he doesn’t understand why he’s not- and it’s so ridiculous, because of course he is, but you’ll need to tell him, over and over again until he believes it.
He’ll always be enough.
~
“Haz, I’m home!” Louis called out, fumbling for the light switch by the entrance and allowing the bright light to spill into the room. He frowned at the silence that greeted him, shuffling his shoes off and trudging wearily up the stairs to their shared bedroom.
“Haz?” He ventured softly into the darkness of the room, just barely making out the lump on the bed beneath the duvet through squinted eyes. He sighed, turning to leave, hand dragging the door shut behind him. He’d just had another long, tiring “date” with Eleanor, this one spanning over a couple of days in beach somewhere- he’d hated every single second of it. He’d missed Harry so much, missed him with every fiber of his being every second of the day, and he’d hoped that Harry would be awake for a nice cuddle session on the couch, but-
Louis jerked to a stop, brows furrowing as he strained his ears for any strange sounds; he could’ve sworn that he’d just heard a sob. He flinched at the unexpected sound, flinging the door open and clambering over the bed so that he could huddle up close to his taller boyfriend.
“Haz? Haz, babe, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Harry remained silent, figure prone on the bed, the silence deafening between them as Louis anxiously waited for his boy to answer.
“I’m fine- It’s just- T-Twitter, and then- A-And then you weren’t here, and I-I needed you to be, and I was so alone- Louis.” Louis pressed in closer at the break in his voice, shushing him with calming murmurs and tenderly kissing his tears away.
Oh Haz.
“It’s alright, H. You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone; I’m here. I love you so much.” He whispered, brushing his lips across the warm skin at his neck, raising goose bumps in its wake as Harry trembled with a small whimper.
“Why can’t we ever be enough for them, Lou?” Louis pulled back, lifting Harry’s chin to stare him firmly in the eyes, sapphire burning into emeralds with their intensity.
“We are, Haz. Those people- they’re just jealous of us. They don’t know about us; they don’t know you the way I do; you’re such a kind soul, H, so wonderful and lovely, and you’ve got such a big heart too. How could you not be enough? You’re enough, Haz. Always.”
~
If there’s anything you take away from this, please just take this one final plea from someone who lost that privilege of loving him, someone who maybe no longer has the right to say so:
To the one who loves him next- Don’t let go. Love him with all you have, with all your heart, and mind, and soul; cherish him, and don’t ever, ever let go. Because if you do, you will regret it, and you’ll wish you could have him back, and you’ll wish that you could still be in love with him, and him with you- I hope you’ll never experience the pain of losing him.
I would never wish that much hurt on someone.
You will never stop loving him, never move on from him, never forget him, because he makes loving him just so easy; because no one will love you the way he will, and no one- NO ONE, will ever be able to replace the place he’d held in your life- not even close.
Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
Because it will hurt every single little bit that you thought it might, and you won’t know how to be without him, or how to stop loving him. And you’ll realize that you never want to stop loving him, and it’s that thought that will finally break you- completely shattering the final remnants of your heart that you’d managed to hold together, few and tattered scraps as they may be.
You’ll find that life without him isn’t life at all.
To the one who loves him next, please love him.
All I ask of you is that you please not hurt him. He only deserves the very best, and God knows that I couldn’t be it and that I hurt him. Please love him twice as much, because I hope that you’ll keep on loving him for me too, now that I will no longer be around to do so.
I will be forever indebted to you, for loving him, and for making him happy.
Yours sincerely,
The one who loves him too.
~
“Haz, we need to talk.” Louis edged guiltily, hovering by the entrance to their lounge. Harry lifted his head from his novel, frowning as he studies the nervous fidget of his small love.
“I-Sure? What’s wrong, boo?”
“I… I don’t think this is going to work anymore.” He breathed, swallowing tightly at the panic that flashed across the curly haired male’s face, mossy eyes streaked with hurt.
“What do you mean?”
“I want to break up.”
“W-What? W-Why?! What brought this on? We’ve been fine!” Harry choked out, bottom lip trembling as tears sprung to his eyes. Louis’d been rather shifty lately, but he’d never have thought that it would come to this.
How long had he been thinking of it?
“No, we haven’t, Harry. We haven’t been fine in a long time, since the beards and the publicity stunts and management breathing down our necks, and now with the hiatus, and I’m just-!” Louis proclaimed, throwing his arms up in exasperation, head bowing with defeat as he muttered disconsolately.
“I’m so tired of it all, Harry. I can’t do it anymore.”
“No, Lou, you don’t mean that. We’ll find a way; we’ll work through it, together, just like we always have.” Harry pleaded desperately, cradling Louis’ face in his palms, urging him to meet his eyes- something that the elder steadfastly refused to do.
“We can’t! I don’t want to, Harry. I don’t want to work this out anymore.” Harry dropped his hands slowly, heart sinking with the spoken words- the ugly realization that Louis really wanted to end it with him; that he’d meant so little to Louis; that he could have been so easily thrown away.
“So what? That’s it? We’ve been together six years, Louis! And you’re just going to give me that shit and break up with me?”
“Yes, Harry. Look, I’m sorry if that’s not what you want but I want to break up, so I guess that’s the way it’s going to be.” Louis threw over his shoulder flippantly as he turned away, as if completely disregarding Harry’s objections and feelings.
“…Fine. Let’s break up then.” Harry stated coldly, stalking towards the front door and snatching his coat from where it hung on the stand, slamming the door harshly behind him as he walked out of their home- out of his life.
“You’re cruel, Louis Tomlinson. I wish I’d never fallen in love with you.”
Louis took a shaky breath, dashing wretchedly at the forlorn tear dripping down his cheek.
All’s fine, all’s well- as well as one could be having lost the single best thing in his otherwise dreary life.
~
Louis sighed, rubbing at the coarse fabric absentmindedly as he stared out the large glass window by his bedside, one that overlooked the spacious garden- what was once a radiant green now frosted over and rapidly covered in a sheet of white as flurries of snow drifted down.
“Merry Christmas, Haz.” He whispered quietly, watching the snow crystals spiral down leisurely, the huge Christmas tree standing proudly in the middle dusted with flecks of white. He’d never thought that he would be celebrating Christmas (and his birthday) alone, without Harry by his side-never once considered the possibility, not even before when their publicity stunts would take them away from each other for the holidays.
Harry had always been there, in all the six years that he’s known him, celebrating the festivities (his birthday at least, if not Christmas too) together at either his or Harry’s family home.
He wondered if Harry was with his family in Cheshire; he wondered if Gemma had dragged him out shopping again, if he’d gotten more ugly Christmas sweaters (as he’d done every other year).
He wondered how Harry was coping; if he was still hurt, if he’d moved on, if he’d found someone new, if he missed him- if he still loved him.
Not that it would do me any good if he did. It’s better this way.
Louis sighed again, desolately, shifting his gaze from the children who’d happily found their ways outside into the snow, to the annoyingly beeping machinery surrounding him, and finally to the framed photograph on the little table next to his bed. He reached over to pick it up, lips curling into a small fond smile as his thumb lightly smoothed over the glass where Harry’s beaming face was.
His smile faltered, guilt gnawing at his entire being as he remembered the last time they’d seen each other- the anguish splayed across his beloved’s face; the hurt he’d put Harry through.
He hoped that Harry had gotten back his smile.
Louis mused, so lost and distracted by his thoughts that he missed the thundering footsteps heading his way. He startled with a sharp flinch as his ward door was violently flung open, a breathless Lou falling from those petal lips he’d so dearly missed as he was abruptly hauled into warm, familiar arms.
Harry.
“H-Harry?” Louis blinked slowly, shocked with the sudden turn of events- Harry was never meant to find out, to find him.
“How did you…?”
“Lottie. She told me- I thought… I couldn’t believe it- God, Lou. Why didn’t you tell me, boo?” Harry murmured softly, pressing chaste kisses over tanned skin before settling slightly, face buried into the crook between his neck and shoulder.
“I didn’t want you to know- I didn’t want you to hurt, Haz.” Louis whispered feebly, crumbling into the comfort of the taller male’s embrace. Harry snorted in disbelief, curls brushing against Louis’ cheek as he nuzzled at his neck.
“But I did, Lou. You can’t imagine how much it hurt, the rejection I felt, when you said you wanted to break up with me. I mean, yeah sure, I was angry at first- furious, in fact- but it passed into hurt so quickly that I just.” He broke off with an upset shake of his head, stilling as he attempted to gather his thoughts.
“Then imagine what I felt when I found out. I wanted to know, Lou. I would’ve wanted to know, because even though it’s going to suck in the future- and God knows how much it already does- but I want to be here with you, supporting you, holding your hand through all the treatments and bad days, and I especially want to be here to celebrate with you during the good. I’d never forgive myself otherwise.”
“Oh Haz. I’d never reject you- I just didn’t know what to do.” Louis mewled miserably, grasping desperately at Harry, the latter tightening his hold with quiet reassurances as he quivered weakly.
“Lottie, she gave me this too.” Harry pulled back slightly, brandishing the pages of a letter he had clamped in a clenched fist, studying Louis as the other male paled and flushed simultaneously, eyes dropping away shamefully.
“You weren’t meant to see that.”
“Lou, look at me.” Harry imposed, waiting patiently till he shyly glanced at him.
“There will never be anyone else, Lou. Not now, not ever. I can’t believe you’d even think there could be, boo- it’s always been you and me, together, for life. And we’ll get through this illness together.”
“Okay. Okay, Haz.”
~
5 years later-
“Are you ready to go, baby? We need to leave soon!” Harry called over his shoulder, packing the final bits and pieces into a small baby blue backpack. He strolled to the bottom of the stairs when all he heard was silence, craning his neck to peer upwards best he could.
“Baby girl? Where are you?” He smiled when he saw a flash of dark brown curls, tiny footsteps pattering around the corner, finally revealing his little love.
“There you are, darling. Are you ready to go?” The young girl nodded eagerly, teeth showing in a bright grin as she leaped off the last few steps into his awaiting arms, enthusiastically shoving a crudely drawn picture into his face.
“Yes, Daddy! Look, I made this!” Harry chuckled fondly as he took in the three stick figures framed by a large curving rainbow, the words Daddy, me and Papa sprawled crookedly above their heads, guffawing when he noticed the height difference between “Daddy” and “Papa”.
“Oh, it’s lovely, sweetheart. Is that for papa?” He grinned when she nodded, placing a quick kiss to the mop of unruly curls adorning her head.
“Papa will love it! Now let’s go so you can show it to him.”
~
Harry pulled up in the lot, nervous anticipation tugging at his gut as he stared up at the imposing tall white building. Memories of the times they’d spent here flashed through his mind; images of a pale, weak Louis bedridden; of his thin brows furrowed in pain as he clutched at Harry’s hand tightly; of the moment when they finally, finally could go home- a much healthier looking Louis bouncing happily at the news. He inhaled deeply, not knowing what to expect as he helped Darcy from her seat, pulling her into a tight hug to regain his composure before taking her hand.
Even after all these years, the fear still gripped him, all the what ifs crowding his mind, because what if?
What if.
They weaved their way haltingly through the corridors, Harry freezing when he sees his husband seated outside, head buried in his arms. He jolted towards the smaller male at a sob, scrambling hurriedly over to him and gathering him in a firm hug.
“Lou? Lou, baby, what’s wrong? Is it-? Did it come back?” Louis lifted his head, eyes watery with tears spilling down his cheeks, a small smile building on his lips.
“N-No. I’m- I’m cleared, Haz, I’m free. Haz, I’m free.”
“Oh my God. You’re- We’re-” Harry stuttered, dimples popping as his lips broke into a wide grin. He let out a loud cheer, scooping Louis up and spinning him around ecstatically, the latter giggling delightedly.
“Papa? Are you okay?” They turned in sync; chuckling at the bewilderment painted across their daughter’s confused face.
“Yes, Darcy, love, Papa’s okay. Everything’s fine.” Louis urged Harry to lower him, throwing his arms open to catch Darcy barreling into him. She leaned up to kiss his cheek, wet and sloppy, trailing fingers to brush away his tears as she looked up at him questioningly.
“Why are you crying then, papa?”
“I’m crying because I’m happy, sweetheart. I’m so happy.” Louis huffed in laughter, smiling down adoringly at his daughter as her face creased in consideration, before nodding decidedly.
“Good. Then I’m happy too, because I like it when you’re happy!”
“Thank you, darling. We’re fine.” He traded a loving look with Harry over Darcy’s head, eyes twinkling with their usual mirth and spark.
We’re fine.
~
To the one that loves him next:
There will be no one else, Lou, I promise you that.
There’s only you.
It’s only ever been you.
I love you so much, and I’m going to be there with you every step of the way.
We’ll make it through, boo, everything’s going to be fine; I know it will be.
And we’ll get married, and adopt a child, and we’ll be happy- so you’ll be fine, Lou.
We’ll be fine.
Eternally and entirely yours,
Harry.
~Fin.~