#partner vent

[wheedledee]

He fucking cheated on us. We're polyamorous, you ask how might this be possible?

Our mutual partner is very ill. Bedridden. Trying desperately to scrape up the energy to go in a trip in two days with out daughter, who has been talking about said trip nonstop for literal months.

We are a masking family. When I walked into a restaurant without a mask by accident a few months ago, I ran out and immediately reported it to them so we could decide if I should mask around the house for a while after. We have to protect my partner's health. Their immune system is trashed. We work together and communicate to manage risks like this.

He took our daughter on a trip solo. Forgot her mask and "didn't have any others" (fuck you there are backup masks in your glove compartment for this exact situation) so let her go into a public building without one.

And even that would be some kind of fine, but he didn't tell us and let us make whatever adjustments we needed. We heard it from our kid later.

He's really apologetic but like. It's done. You did it.

And we can't leave him. It's financially dodgy (although my folks would help with that if things got bad, fyi to Partner On Tumblr, if you're reading this), but above all it's extremely logistically dicey. It would make illness vector logistics worse and make it extremely difficult to give our daughter the care and support she needs.

I want to be able to leave a partner when they break my trust. I'm so mad, and madder because I could walk if I really wanted to, but my partner could Not. And this whole thing is a really fucked up thing to do someone who is financially dependent on you.

[wheedledee]

He hates himself so much. When I read the stuff he's written to me it's like a gale force. We have been trying to help but he's just turning in on himself....

[wheedledee]

Ok hang on so

He did end up talking to me, but only because I guess me dropping the emotional labor of shielding him from his constant mistakes by giving him direct and neutral feedback was excruciating for him.

He's so fucking terrified of Doing Things Wrong and receiving my ire and I explained I only ever needed to know what the fuck was going on with him, as he was just doing, and 99% of my issues just disappeared. Your meds are making you insanely forgetful? Hell yeah I can work with that. It's scaring you? Dude I've been there! I just need information! I need to feel like we are a team!

He tapped out and hasn't continued the conversation the last couple days though 😩 I was really nice too? But I suggested we might do well with couples counseling as a buffer and I wonder if I gave him a scare

But also, and this took me a bit to clock, he mentioned an incident where I had asked him to put the clothes on the dryer if he didn't have time to sort them, versus throwing them in the hamper. Apparently he HAD tried to sort them and was so miserable to hear he had failed that badly that he is just going to not even try, and put them on the dryer from now on.

But hang on, sir????? You could have fucking said "oh I tried to sort them, did I screw up? Let's go over what you need." But instead he just said yeah ok and decided to throw in the towel and I only heard about it when he got so miserable he had to say something. (Like I guess he only did it for the time being because he figured he was doing harm but like. This is something we can work together on omg)

Sir...... do you realize that puts more work in my lap............

We already have a problem where he doesn't know how to do half the tasks I do, while I can do pretty much anything he can do.

We're already experiencing task creep where I'm taking over the shit he can't bring himself to do.

...and now we're just giving up on sorting the laundry because of an easily corrected misunderstanding/missing information????

Anyway I'm mad all over again >:(

What do you do when extreme anxiety leads to the exact patterns you would get with some toxic masculine asshole who refuses to be caught messing up or being vulnerable, leans on you for invisible/emotional labor, weaponizes incompetence, and gets all sad-sack about it when you bring it up........ but it's all anxiety........ when does it go from just anxiety to just That

[wheedledee]

How many times must a man hear "stop feeding the cat before her medication time" before he stops feeding the cat before her medication time?

[dangerousalpacas]

Look man, this is my first real relationship. We’ve been together for 4 years now. I’m 21. I don’t know if I know what love feels like. I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like when you’re supposed to marry someone. All I know is they make me so calm. Whenever I go somewhere scary and new, I want them with me. Whenever I have a bad day, I want to go home to them and have them pet my head and tell me it’s ok. Whenever I think about the future, they’re right there next to me. They’re one of the first people I tell when something happens. I want to bring them so much joy. They make me so happy, and so comfortable. I hope that means I’m right, and that I’m supposed to stay with them. It’s ok if I need to wait, I’ll wait as long as it takes as long as they’re right there next to me.