So of course, this means I'm experiencing low-grade anxiety.
Aimee gave me this little booklet as a going-away gift last year... What I Wish For... and for one of those wishes, she wrote...
I wish you weren’t so darn worrisome.
I read it on the plane back in April last year, smiling sadly because it seemed like such a novel feeling to be stress-free, and then I read it again this January, and suddenly, I understood what she meant, and what'd changed.
I'm not stressed.
It was a weird moment when I came to this conclusion. Suddenly I was awash with psychosensory memories of what it was like before coming to Namibia. I was so, so exhausted and anxious and worried all the time. I remember my doctor telling me my heart palpitations weren't due to some physical problem; they were anxiety-induced.
Now, I'm shocked to realize I haven't experienced any serious heart palpitations since leaving the States. Score.
Back in the US, I always felt like it was the norms to be stressed out about something: my three jobs, lack of sleep, not seeing my friends or family for days/weeks/months because of schedules and work, my family, my non-existent love life, physical possessions and the need/want for stuff, my future, my life. Stress was the breakfast, lunch, and dinner of the day, and because it was so pervasive in my life that it felt normal, almost second nature to carry on day after day like that. And it wasn't like I was the only one stressed out about something - everyone around me was like that too. It was easy to believe I just had to deal and move on.
I suppose part of the reason why I chose to leave America - beside wanting to join the Peace Corps since I was 18 years old - was to re-center myself and regain my life and live it in a way that didn't make me want to break down and just stay in my room away from society forever. Looking back, I don't think I had such clarity, but I certainly recall thinking, I can't keep going like this.
Studies have shown people function more efficiently when experiencing low anxiety level. My constant mantra, an absolute belief, totally applied. How was I to know what I experienced wasn't low level when anxiety was such a constant factor in my life?
Living in Namibia, it's not a surprise to me now to recognize that the feeling is no longer there. Having one job at the clinic, living in a slow-paced society where time is all relative, spending most of my day just waiting for someone to come now now (paife paife), and surrounded by so much lack of stuff that even money has become inconsequential beyond its necessity for food and transport and phone credits... it makes sense that there should be nothing to inspire some serious cortisol release.
So naturally, I am appropriately well-rested, which leads to - surprise surprise - some feeling of anxiety.
It's all directed toward the now and the future. Am I making a difference here? Am I going to be able to figure out a project that I really want to do before I leave? How do I get people to see my point of view and get on board with some sustainable projects? What would I be doing if I were back in the States? What will I be doing when I get back to the States? Am I going to be successful? What does it mean to be successful? How is my family doing without me...
And it goes on.
It's a hard concept to accept, given how self-destructive it is, but I don't think I will ever be stress-free. I'm wired to constantly worry about one thing or another, so I feel so lucky to have this gap in my life where stress is at all time low (on a spectrum from I'm-going-to-be-able-to-sleep-with-a-few-nightmares-tonight to I-think-I'm-having-a-heart-attack-RIGHT-NOW), and the upside to that is the clarity it's provided me to contemplate on some things in my life without being led around by emotion-induced thoughts and decisions that were wont to happen a year ago.
I can't believe how much more rational and easy it is to analyze my thoughts and emotions with a clear head. I like it.
As for those questions... I have no answer to. Only time will tell, cheesy as that sounds. I can say one thing, though, 80-90% of the time, I know exactly where I want my life to go, and how I'm going to get there (the other 10-20% is mostly me alternating between screaming in my head and telling myself to shut up and then convincing myself it’s ok to not have any answers). My work in Peace Corps might seem slow-moving right now, and might not be on par with what I envisioned it to be when I first started, perhaps insignificant on a larger scale (even compared to what I was doing before), but at least I'm doing it, and with every passing day is one more day of new experiences, new knowledge, new ways of looking at the world and its problems and finding new approaches to solutions. It can only advance me.
I know one thing for sure though. I won't make a difference or, to be completely and unabashedly ambitious, save the world if I don't get out of my house and break through my comfort zone.
At least one thing won't change regardless of the presence or lack thereof of stress: being uncomfortable means I'm trying new things, and if I try enough things, I'm bound to get to where I need to be eventually, and in the end, isn't that what life is all about?
