this side of paradise , han jaeyi and kwon baekhan / peach , 1.3k
fluff / hurt comfort , warnings : light swearing , crying , very very vague references to past traumatic events (if i’m missing anything pls let me know <3)
in which, jaeyi doesn’t know if he’s gotten closer to peach or found out there’s more mystery to him than he originally thought. (a revision of a piece i posted a few months back!)
⊹ ˖ ˚ ⋆ ⊹ * . july 2020 , 1:35 am
jaeyi hated the smk building rooftop.
he hated heights in general, and definitely didn’t see the appeal going up ten stories and peering over the edge down at the countless people and cars that were at a normal human elevation for nothing more than leisure?
why baekhan decided to go up there whenever he felt overwhelmed, jaeyi had no clue, but he couldn’t just leave him up there.
he pushed the door open and stepped into the night. baekhan wasn’t far, just leaning on the rail, facing out to the skyline of seoul. he looked oddly peaceful.
“baek?” jaeyi called out hesitantly, “it’s just me, don’t worry.”
carefully making his way over to where baekhan was, he tried to ignore the sounds of rushing cars beneath them, it made his head spin. baekhan turned around, but quickly softened in seeing that it was jaeyi behind him.
“you should go back to the dorm, it’s late,” baekhan said, looking back to face the open air.
“and you shouldn’t?” jaeyi replied, “you’re coming back with me.”
“not yet,” baekhan protested, “just gimme a few minutes? i’ll come back in soon, i promise.”
jaeyi huffed. “fine, but i’m staying here with you,” he proclaimed as he sat down, back pressed against the cold railing. surprisingly, baekhan offered no sounds of protest, and slid down to match jaeyi’s sitting position, pulling his knees up to his chest.
they sat in silence for a few minutes, baekhan with his head between his knees and jaeyi with his head back against the rail trying to focus on his breathing. honestly just trying to focus on something other than the irrational scenario he’d come up with where the rail gave way and sent the two boys tumbling over the side of the building.
he decided to break the silence to take his mind off his irrational thinking, “is there anything bothering you? do you maybe... wanna talk about it?”
baekhan kept his head down “it’s nothing you can help with.”
jaeyi sighed, “maybe it’ll still help a little if you talk about it? i dunno i just- i don’t like seeing you like this, i wanna help.”
“it’s complicated,” baekhan said simply, “i don’t wanna dump all that on you. but i’ve managed to convince myself i’m not ready to debut.”
jaeyi looked up at him in disbelief. “you’ve been here for years, you’re more ready than i’ll ever be.”
“don’t say that. i wanna believe i’m ready,” baekhan muttered, “but- i don’t know, i’ve been so eager to debut for so long but now that it’s happening i’m like- scared, almost?”
jaeyi listened intently as baekhan continued, “not scared, really, i just don’t know how else to describe it. like, i just wanna run away, or something. i know it sounds pathetic-“
“nothing you say to me could sound pathetic. you’re allowed to feel like that,” jaeyi interrupted, “i get it, it’s nerve racking, but you’re crazy talented. you’ll regret it if you don’t debut now.”
baekhan sighed in exasperation, “i know,” he put his head back down and mumbled, “it what he would’ve wanted.”
jaeyi didn’t press. he didn’t know the “he” baekhan was referring to, but the possible intent behind that made his heart clench.
jaeyi could always tell baekhan was different from the other trainees. he’d always been quiet, he’d been distant and always looked like he was in a daze until the day they all learned they’d be members of botanica. he’d heard countless rumours about the older male, jaeyi always tried not to listen to rumours, but to his surprise, baekhan warmed up to him quickly.
not to say jaeyi didn’t wonder what it would be like after it was announced they’d be debuting together, along with four other boys.
“shit, i... okay- look-“ jaeyi started again, trying not to stumble over his words, “i’m not great at the whole, comforting and giving advice thing, and i don’t know what you’ve been through so it might be the wrong thing to say- but i think you’re one of the strongest people i know.”
baekhan lifted his head up again, and jaeyi continued, “and i- i know you’ll get through this, the kwon baekhan i’ve gotten to know so far wouldn’t give up so easily.”
“this sounds cliche, but maybe you don’t actually know kwon baekhan like you thought you did.”
“in any case,” baekhan stood up, brushing his pants off and yawning, “i’m fuckin’ exhausted. you probably are too, wanna go back now?”
“oh god yeah, anything to get off this roof,” jaeyi said half jokingly as he got up and started walking towards the stairwell.
“oh! but before we go in can i- uh-“
“what’s up?” baekhan asked.
“do you- are you okay with people touching you? do you like hugs? can i give you a hug?” jaeyi babbled.
baekhan laughed through his nose a little at jaeyi’s awkwardness, but ultimately responded, “yeah sure, but only for you,” it wasn’t clear if he was joking about that last part.
but jaeyi still let baekhan walk into his open arms and enveloped him in a tight hug. baekhan instinctively stiffened a little, and jaeyi loosened his grip.
“you smell like sweat,” baekhan laughed in a feeble attempt to not make the hug so awkward.
“you’re no better,” jaeyi retorted, “but at least it’s a sign we’re practicing hard, right?”
“also,” he continued, “can you please come to me if you’re having a hard time? i don’t know how well i can help, but i’ll give you some company at the very least. i don’t like seeing you sad, okay? we haven’t known each other for very long, but we’re friends, right? i care about you.”
baekhan had to turn away so jaeyi wouldn’t see him getting choked up. “thank you,” he responded quietly, “that means more than you’ll ever know.”
“but anyways,” he continued before he got too emotional for his own liking, “wanna go to bed? you look exhausted.”
“you should see yourself!” jaeyi exclaimed, already making his way through the door and down the stairwell, “but yes, please, to sleep we go.”
when they’d gotten back to the dorm, everyone was already asleep. with the lights out and half unpacked moving boxes scattered about, they had to be careful not to wake anyone. thank god they shared a room so they wouldn’t cause too much ruckus.
“i’m just gonna- go wash my face super quick, okay?” baekhan whispered, “i’ll come to sleep in a minute, you get in bed.”
“okay mom,” jaeyi said jokingly, but complied and headed towards their room. baekhan headed the opposite way, towards the bathroom.
once he’d locked himself in, he turned the tap on as hard as it would go so no one could hear him cry.
as his chest began to heave and hot tears spilled down his cheeks, he slid down the wall into a sitting position with his knees up to his chest, the same position he’d been in a few minutes prior on the roof with jaeyi. he wasn’t sad, quite the contrary actually, he was just... overwhelmed. overwhelmed at the support he was receiving? overwhelmed that someone was there to listen and offer help? overwhelmed that someone cared about him so much and wanted him to succeed since...
when his chest stopped heaving and he wiped his eyes, he thought about how he’d no doubt be kept awake that night that night thinking about what the hell he did to deserve such a good soul like han jaeyi as his friend.
and in their shared room, said han jaeyi laid flat on his back staring at the ceiling, thinking about what had just happened. he’d even gotten choked up himself at the potential weight behind the things baekhan had said earlier. his heart clenched at the thought of the possible things his friend had been through, the events that shaped him into the baekhan jaeyi had come to know in the past couple months.
kwon baekhan was an interesting soul that jaeyi couldn’t tell if he was eager or scared to learn more about.
genre : i’d say mostly ?? fluff ?? but angst if u squint
warnings : mild sexual content (making out and all that jazz but no Actual Sex) , baekhan’s an overly emotional horny bitch , chanseong doesn’t know how to properly process feelings , it’s just kind of a disaster !
words : 2.5k
[ 2017 ]
if you’d asked baekhan how he’d landed someone like yoon chanseong in college, he would’ve had no clue. part of him still doesn’t understand it today.
chanseong was that kind of guy that everyone got along with. you know the ones, the ones who present themselves as so charming and down to earth that it’s impossible to not get along with them? that was chanseong in a nutshell, and the only connection baekhan had to him was one class in which they sat next to each other (that chanseong mostly slept through anyway). he found that watching the sleeping figure next to him was much more interesting than listening to the droning professor. that was the only time he ever recalled looking forward to that class.
now, without making this sound too much like a badly written bad boy x shy guy wattpad novel, as it always goes, baekhan was dragged to an off campus party by a mutual friend one night, and sometime during that night, they got introduced to each other. baekhan vividly remembered his first thought about him being something along the lines of, “he looks like the type of guy to say offensive slurs when he’s drunk and only gets girls to fall for him because of his looks” which, he realizes now, may not have been super far off (except for the offensive slurs part, at least to his knowledge). but god, his head was spinning so hard under the deafening music and colourful lights, baekhan was willing to take such a risk.
“so...” chanseong started as he leaned over the side of the armchair he was sitting on, getting almost uncomfortably close to baekhan’s face, “what’s your name?”
“yes,” baekhan answered immediately.
he laughed, “sounds... exotic. alright, now what’s actually your name.”
“right,” baekhan mentally punched himself (more than once), “not right- that’s not my name, my name is baekhan. we have a class together.”
“do we?” chanseong said, raising his eyebrows, “which one?”
“the one that you sleep through every day,” baekhan snorted, “we sit next to each other and i swear- every time i look over, you’re passed out.”
chanseong shrugged, “i don’t need that class anyway, it’s boring.” baekhan noticed how the taller boy’s gaze trailed up and down what he could see of baekhan’s body (respectfully) despite his particularly unflattering outfit (loose jeans- cuffed obviously- and a t-shirt probably four sizes too big- any fitted outfit on a day he was going out to eat was a big no-no for him!).
“so what do you have in there?” chanseong asked, gesturing to the plastic cup baekhan held in his lap, “anything exciting?”
“whiskey,” baekhan answered without thought, naming the first alcoholic drink that came to mind. it wasn’t whiskey, it was sprite, plain sprite. but yoon chanseong was hot, and he wanted to appeal to what seemed to be his type.
chanseong stifled a chuckle. “sure,” he said, leaning over a little more to look at the contents of his cup. it definitely wasn’t whiskey, he wasn’t stupid, but he appreciated the effort either way. “come on- get up, let me get you an actual drink.”
“and why on earth would i do that?”
he shrugged, “you look like you need some loosening up, you know? just like-“ he put his hand on baekhan’s shoulder, “relax a bit, you’re so tense.”
baekhan involuntarily lowered his shoulders a little bit, “do i look like the type of person who needs loosening up?”
“definitely.”
he scoffed, taking a sip of his not whiskey, “i like how you think you know what i need.”
“oh, i think i do,” chanseong retorted in a different, lower tone of voice, looking at baekhan with an expression of such confidence it made baekhan choke on his drink a little. chanseong smirked, sparing glances at baekhan’s lips, and the other seemed to catch on quite quickly.
baekhan awoke the next morning with a pounding headache in a bed that definitely wasn’t his.
“oh god,” he mumbled, immediately panicking and sitting up in bed. only then did he look down and notice that he wasn’t the only one in the bed. who would be sleeping soundly next to him but none other than yoon chanseong!
of course. of course drunken baekhan would get into a situation like this! and now slightly more sober (and very hungover) baekhan had to deal with it.
in his still half asleep state, surprisingly he could remember a good chunk of the events of the previous night, but most of it revolved around the two of them crashing through chanseong’s dorm room door in the early hours of the morning, making out fervidly and bumping into multiple pieces of furniture on their way to the bed. a lot of making out, baekhan definitely got pinned to the wall a few times, and whew, that’s enough of that! baekhan wasn’t sure he wanted to remember much more.
he only panicked more when chanseong stirred beside him.
when he inevitably woke up from baekhan’s hungover panicking, the latter was already out of bed plucking his clothes off the floor. the two made eye contact for a brief second, and baekhan immediately covered himself with his shirt.
“...baek?” chanseong mumbled, and oh god, the raspiness of his just woken up voice was hot.
“you remembered my name?” baekhan asked with genuine surprise.
chanseong scoffed, “of course i did, how could i forget? how could i forget you?”
baekhan didn’t know why that made his face flush. maybe it was the headache. maybe it was the fact that yoon chanseong was one of the most beautiful men he’d seen in any of his classes thus far, and he’d just woken up in the same bed as him and he remembered baekhan’s name. he honestly hoped it was the former, feelings in general weren’t his strong suit.
“do you know where my pants are?” baekhan asked instead of saying something hot back. he immediately cringed and mentally kicked himself in the shins.
but chanseong just laughed softly in response, “my guess would be somewhere...” he leaned over the side of the bed, gesturing at the rest of the clothes that had been carelessly thrown about the floor, “...somewhere around here.”
“oh... probably,” baekhan looked down at the several articles of clothing near his feet, “guess we weren’t very neat.”
chanseong shrugged loosely, “i’m a student, i live in filth, i don’t really care.”
baekhan chuckled, not registering that sentence as as much of a turn off as it would usually be, especially as he was always a particularly anal type of person (not THAT type of anal).
“so do you have anything going on today?” chanseong asked, still looking at baekhan (who was now on the floor searching for his pants) from the bed.
baekhan glanced up at him for a second, “...why?”
“just wondering, you seem like you’re in a rush.”
“oh! no, i’m not i just don’t wanna- inconvenience you i can be on my way now-“
“no, no, don’t worry about it,” chanseong reached out his arm, “it’s a long weekend, d’you think i’ve got anything going on?”
baekhan paused, then reluctantly replied, “good point,” avoiding eye contact with the male on the bed more out of sheer awkwardness than anything by instead gathering his clothes from the floor. but then, in true chanseong fashion, he said something that made baekhan immediately look at him.
“...care for a round two?”
baekhan’s head shot back around to meet chanseong’s, and the smirk on his face reminded him of the previous night, remembering the phrase “i think i do”, in particular quite vividly, in response to- who knows, probably something stupid that slipped past baekhan’s lips.
but inevitably, baekhan decided if he was ever anything more than paranoid, he was horny.
“oh why the hell not,” he declared, immediately climbing back into bed and mashing their lips together.
baekhan wasn’t sure how him and chanseong became more than just a one night stand, but it’s not like he didn’t mind.
but what kind of “more” were they, exactly? that’s where the two male’s opinions were slightly divided. unbeknownst to chanseong, who had more of an unspoken but very obvious in his actions “no feelings” sort of attitude when it came to them hanging out for the first while, baekhan genuinely wanted more.
they had a slight routine, meet up somewhere when their schedules let them, maybe go out somewhere, whether it was to hang out or get something to eat, and more often than not, they’d end up at one of their dorm rooms later that night, and- for lack of a better term- fuck. did baekhan enjoy this routine? ...not necessarily, but if he was spending time with chanseong, then he didn’t mind.
“i’m exhausted,” baekhan groaned, putting his feet up on the ottoman in front of him. that night, they were at chanseong’s dorm, and they’d ordered food and were about to put a movie on (baekhan’s idea), a calm night in at the end of the week, which baekhan liked quite a bit more than the same party scene every friday night.
chanseong laughed through his nose, “what did you do today?”
“oh god,” baekhan started, “i had to do this, like, dance thing at training today, and oh my god i’m horrible at dancing!” he laughed loudly, throwing his head back before continuing, “there’s a couple other trainees helping me, if i couldn’t sing i’d be a lost cause, i swear to god!”
“what-“ baekhan’s face fell when he saw chanseong’s confused expression, “training?” he asked with furrowed eyebrows.
baekhan’s eyes went wide, “did i not- oh my god! i forgot to tell you! i’m training at this company, i’m gonna be a singer!”
“and you’ve never told me this?”
“i’m sorry! i forgot!” baekhan exclaimed, but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling brightly. “isn’t it exciting though? that’s why i’m always busy outside of class!”
chanseong nodded, “i’ve been busy too, i didn’t really notice,” he chuckled, “and it seems like it makes you really happy too.”
baekhan raised his eyebrows, “what’ve you been busy with? partying?”
“i attend more than one class, y’know,” chanseong flopped down onto the couch next to baekhan, who immediately snaked an arm around the taller boy’s waist.
“sure,” he gently cupped chanseong’s face in his hands before pulling him in for a quick kiss. “and you’re right, it does make me happy,” pulling him in again, their bodies were pressed against each other as they kissed passionately right there on the couch.
“and so do you,” baekhan said wistfully, breaking into a huge smile when they both pulled apart. he felt chanseong tense up under his touch at those words but before he could even register it he pulled the taller boy back in, who eventually eased up into another messy but fervid kiss.
alas, baekhan can’t always get what he wants.
he could barely see chanseong in the pale moonlight cascading through his bedroom window, although he could feel his body heat, which was arguably much more comforting.
he scooted closer into chanseong’s side, arms wrapped around his waist and his head near the crook of the taller boy’s neck. chanseong had told him, a few weeks prior, that he wasn’t a big fan of cuddling, but he stopped fighting it a while ago. which made baekhan think he changed his mind, or he just gave up trying to resist. both seemed pretty realistic.
“channie...?” baekhan mumbled into the darkness, and he felt chanseong’s head move slightly above him.
“yeah?”
“remember that night? at the party when we first met?”
“what about it?”
baekhan shrugged, “i dunno, actually, i’m just thinking about it for some reason.” he really just wanted to keep chanseong up with something to talk to, because he didn’t want to fall asleep just yet. “why did you- like- i guess what i’m trying to say is why me? there were so many people at that party- and they’re all hotter than me.”
chanseong snickered, “you’ve gotta stop being so insecure, you’re pretty. you’ve got a nice body, like- your waist and your-“
“aah! stop you’re gonna make me blush!” baekhan’s words were mumbled by him burying his face into chanseong’s chest.
the taller boy chuckled and said, “i mean i’m just stating facts.”
he sighed in contempt, laying there in silence with his head comfortably nestled under chanseong’s chin. it had only been- a few weeks? months, maybe? since they’d properly met, but it had began to feel so natural that it didn’t feel like it. chanseong felt like an old friend, and every time baekhan remembered they’d barely known each other half a year, he wondered if chanseong felt a similar way.
which is why, maybe, he was so comfortable being affectionate with him.
“i love you.”
it didn’t feel like it, but by the way baekhan felt chanseong immediately tense up, he realized that was the first time he’d ever said it.
after a few seconds of tension filled silence, chanseong sat up and said, “you know, i should probably be going home now.”
baekhan’s heart dropped almost immediately. he followed chanseong, sitting up with him with the false hope that he could somehow convince the taller boy to stay. “hey, hey, why so sudden?” he asked softly, taking a light grip on his arm.
“i just,” chanseong looked back, an unreadable expression on his face, “i’ve got stuff to do tomorrow, and i just remembered.”
“oh.”
“yeah...” he nodded awkwardly, and stood up with no further hesitation, baekhan followed, intending to walk him out.
“hang out tomorrow? when you’re not busy?” baekhan asked, standing behind chanseong who already had his hand on the doorknob.
chanseong looked back, and nodded quickly with a, “yeah, of course.”
and with that, he left without another word, leaving baekhan standing at the front door, dumbfounded.
baekhan usually welcomed the night sky with open arms, eager to succumb to her even on her coldest nights. sugar spilt over a black marble tabletop, just barely glowing in the pale moonlight, bringing a sense of odd comfort when darkness engulfed the city. yet, tonight, he lied awake for what was realistically just an hour or two, but felt like an unbearable eternity.
but, later that night when baekhan was finally almost succumbing to the night’s call, he realized.
his representative flower : bleeding heart, because he thinks they’re pretty
has a soundcloud where he goes by “loverman” and mainly just uploads demos of songs, most of which are actually pretty sad. the account dates back a few years before debut but it’s still active occasionally.
he was in university for two years before dropping out for reasons he’s never talked about. soon after us when he joined smk.
while in university he studied abroad in japan for a few months, and picked up basic japanese while he was over there. he even chose a japanese name for himself, koushi!
he has a younger sister named hanbi, who he spent most of his late childhood taking care of while his parents worked late nights.
despite being the leader, he’s the shortest member by at least a few centimetres, and is often teased by other other members for it. they like to carry him around and make jokes about how they could easily throw him across the room. but they’re joking! probably.
— in which, peach always wants more than he can get.
this takes place in 2017 when he was in university !! also if u don’t know who chanseong is he’s baekhan’s ex !!
“so... what do you wanna do?”
“what do you mean? didn’t we just-“
“i know, but i mean like- do you wanna drive around? get some ice cream? stargaze?”
as baekhan examined chanseong’s blanket covered silhouette in the dim light of his own bedroom, even though he couldn’t the see the taller boy’s face, he could already tell what his answer was going to be before he even spoke.
“actually, i should probably get going-“ chanseong suddenly pushed himself up to a sitting position in bed, and baekhan sat up and grabbed hold of his arm lightly before he could stand up and get out of bed completely.
“nooo, channie, you should stay tonight,” baekhan pouted, clinging to his arm.
chanseong turned back to face baekhan, mumbling, “i don’t think anyone knows i’m over here. they’re probably wondering where i am.”
“so what? it won’t kill them to not know where you are for a few hours,” baekhan knew chanseong’s routine, they’d meet up somewhere during the day, maybe get something to eat, then go to one of their apartments for a movie or something (that would more often that not lead to a bit of “fooling around” let’s say), and then, either chanseong would abruptly leave or tell baekhan to leave, excuses usually being something along the lines of, “i have family coming over tomorrow”, or “i have someone coming to check my air conditioner in the morning” or whatever else. baekhan always left when he asked him to, not wanting to cause any trouble, but a large part of him hoped, every time, that at least once chanseong would change his mind and stay a night.
“i just wanna do couple-y things,” baekhan whined, still clinging to the taller boy’s arm, “isn’t that what we are? a couple?”
“well- yeah,” chanseong’s answer was unusually short and abrupt for such a question, but baekhan chose to pay it no mind, he knew him, after all, “but i gotta go, i’m pretty sure i agreed to let a friend stay over later.”
“and there it is,” baekhan said, an airy laugh passing his lips with a sour tinge that chanseong didn’t seem to notice (or willfully ignored), “you always have someone or something come up.”
“well- i’m a busy guy, you know,” was all chanseong could say, he chuckled nervously while baekhan still persisted.
“you should let me meet some of your friends, i don’t talk to a whole lot of people.”
“yeah, well i would, but they don’t know about-“ chanseong made a vague gesture, “us.”
baekhan shrugged, “so? it’s kinda hard to keep something like this a secret, unless-“ he gasped suddenly, “are they homophobic?”
chanseong scoffed, “no, at least i don’t think so. it’s just-“
“am i your first time with a guy?” the shorter boy asked, in a much more innocent tone that chanseong would’ve expected in regards to such a question.
“nah, no way,” chanseong replied, flashing a cocky smirk momentarily, “i just- i gotta go, you go to bed, you need sleep.”
“i’d sleep better if you were here with me...”
chanseong sighed, “baek, let me go home. we can hang out tomorrow, okay?”
“yeah, i’m just bugging you,” baekhan laughed through his nose, and chanseong stood up, grabbing his hoodie off the floor and pulling it over his head, not noticing the hint of disappointment in the shorter boy’s tone.
baekhan walked him to the door, like every night, and chanseong gave him an awkward side hug and a kiss and a promise to text him the next morning, like every night. one thing chanseong didn’t know about baekhan was how quickly he got sick of routines like this.
“do you want your shirt back?”
chanseong took one glance down at baekhan, noting how his (chanseong’s) shirt absolutely dwarfed his thin frame, and simply said, “nah, it’s fine.” baekhan smiled to himself, at least he had a piece of clothing that smelled like chanseong’s flowery cologne to get him through the night.
“so... when are you actually gonna stay the night?” baekhan said, stopping chanseong who was already opening the door to leave.
he shrugged, “we’ll figure something out.” he threw baekhan a lazy attempt at a half smile, but the shorter boy started into his eyes instead. he liked chanseong’s eyes, they always felt warm and comforting. he often found himself staring into chanseong’s eyes and wondering if he got lost in baekhan’s like baekhan did in his. he’d never mentioned it, but he’d mentioned how he liked baekhan’s lips, and cheeks, and waist... and hips-
“okey dokey, bye-bye channie~” he stood on his toes to kiss chanseong on the lips, softer than usual. the taller boy wasn’t much of a kisser in situations like these, and when he was the one in control, his kisses were rougher, a whirlwind of teeth and tongue that usually made a huge mess. baekhan preferred the former if he was being completely honest.
baekhan let his hand drop off of chanseong’s shoulder, and he was out the door and down the hall.
the echoing of his front door shutting made the apartment sound even more empty than it was.
baekhan sighed, making his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water before he went to bed.
maybe one day, he’d finally stay, but reasoning with himself was getting a little tiring.
baekhan heard a car start up outside his apartment building, and just barely saw faint headlights out of his peripheral, no doubt chanseong. he sat down on the kitchen floor, pushing his back up against the fridge and burying his head in his (chanseong’s) shirt. a position that probably would’ve looked hopelessly pitiful from the perspective of someone else. the smell of cologne engulfed him so badly it gave him a headache, but at least it smelled like channie.
his bed felt extra empty that night. even though chanseong had long gone, baekhan stayed on his side of the bed, like there was someone sleeping in his spot. instead, he clung to his body pillow, legs wrapped around as he stared up, not sleepy at all out his bedroom window. the light of day was long gone (like chanseong that night, which baekhan thought had some irony in it somewhere), the faint light of the stars like sugar spilt over a black tabletop barely reached his room, and instead of comfort, baekhan was left with a feeling of... he wasn’t quite sure how to describe it, discomfort? emptiness?
DAYFLY is a single released by solo artist LAI on august 21, 2020. the single features ARI of CREPUSCULE and PEACH of BOTANICA. the single is only available digitally and wasn’t performed on any music shows, but lai has hinted to a full album he’s working on somewhere in the near future.
TRACK LIST:
dayfly ft. ari and peach
ERA HIGHLIGHTS:
people lowkey ate this up ??
like we love to see idols interacting ! we really do ! or at least some people do
people thought that lai and areum were being too obvious about their relationship but honestly they weren’t ? like they interacted more as friends and only shared so much as a hug on camera so stop being such a drama queen
the amount of content on their social media was crazy
there was this one video on areum’s instagram where lai was doing his makeup and u just see peach in the background very obviously staring at his ass it was so funny
and then “baekhan gay” trended on twitter like it does every other day so areum went on live explaining that it was just their humour bc he did Not wanna be outed yk
also lai said that he wouldn’t be going on music shows anymore bc he is Done with that and would rather promote his own way
anyways this song was a phenomenon in smk everyone was singing it for like two weeks
like botanica did a vlive not long after it was released and at one point peach started humming his part and literally everyone else joined in
fruit basket , solar , chae , botanica , EVERYONE was singin this
there’s not much to say about this era honestly !!!! there wasn’t much promotion it was just a lil thing !!!!!
the song got a #1 on itunes for like two days and the mv got 3m views in the first 24 hours !!!
OHMYGOD i almost forgot they uploaded a cover of retro future by triple h to lai’s youtube and people were comparing them to triple h
(probably bc of the dating scandals but who knows)
people wanted them to do a special stage together on a music show and who knows !!! maybe they will !!!! we just gotta wait and see
BUT anyways this era was short but it was cute asf it was so so fun stream dayfly
characters : kwon baekhan , han jaeyi , rest of botanica ensemble mentioned (side note ; daniel’s korean name is jiwon and elliot’s is hanryeol , which is who jaeyi is referring to)
genre : tryna be angst but once again i cannot write angst but i tried
warnings : they say shit like twice , implied mental illness ?? maybe ?? he lowkey has a mini panic attack at the start . i don’t know if you can think of a better way to put it lmk also if u have a problem w the way i’m portraying this pls dm me !!! i’m always looking to learn more and i don’t wanna offend anyone <33
words : 1.5k
[ july 2019 , 1:34 am , SMK building rooftop ]
baekhan burst through the doors from the stairwell, immediately taking a gulping breath, taking in as much fresh air into his lungs as he could. he couldn’t breathe, he felt suffocated, like the roof was caving in around him. he needed fresh air, he needed to go outside, away from everything for just a minute.
he knew jaeyi would come looking for him eventually, he just needed a break, to get away from everything around him that made him feel like he wasn’t good enough.
take a break! jaeyi would say, you’re pushing yourself too much, you’ll regret it when you get hospitalized by passing out from exhaustion. that was ridiculous, he’d know when to stop himself. we can come back tomorrow! they’d say, but by that time it already was tomorrow, so he might as well stay the rest of the night, right? he was debuting in two weeks- oh god, he wasn’t ready for that. the others didn’t have to work as hard because they were gifted, naturally talented, and good enough to debut already. they didn’t understand that baekhan didn’t belong here. he was a fraud, he shouldn’t have made it as far as he did.
a fraud, untalented, not worthy, a fraud, a fraud, a fraud.
baekhan made his way over to the ledge, gripping onto the rail as his way of keeping himself grounded. the cold midnight breeze and the view of the entire city below him was strangely comforting. he exhaled for what felt like the first time in an hour, and just stood there for a second, his elbows supporting his body as he leaned on the railing, trying to clear his mind.
he hated the fact that he just got up and left instead of trying to calm down. even when he couldn’t breathe and it felt like the panelled ceiling of the practice room was falling and caving on top of him, running away from his problems wasn’t gonna fix them. bolting out of the practice room and hiding wasn’t gonna do anything, it just made him look like a coward.
he lowered his head, trying to calm his shaky breathing and trying to take his mind off the fact that the word kept dancing around in his head. fraud, fraud, fraud.
baekhan wasn’t that hard to find. after jaeyi convinced tian to go back to the dorm and sleep after he snuck out for much longer than he was supposed to, the rooftop was one of the first places he checked. although he was deathly afraid of heights and his legs shook every time he went up there, jaeyi had to somehow convince him to come back down and go back to the dorm with him.
he breathed a sigh of relief when he carefully pushed open the door to the roof and saw baekhan standing near the edge, leaning on the rail.
“baek?” he called as he made his way over to where the older stood, trying to block out the sound of cars rushing below them that made his head spin. baekhan whipped his head around quickly, but softened seeing it was just jaeyi. his eyes looked puffy.
“shouldn’t you be back at the dorm?” he asked.
“i came to look for you, you know i wouldn’t go back without you.”
“i know my way back,” baekhan replied cooly, “or are you trying to make sure i don’t off myself.”
jaeyi hesitated, “kind of? anyway- i’m talking you back to the dorm now. you need rest.”
baekhan sighed, “can we just stay out here for a minute? i need some fresh air, i promise i’ll come back after.”
jaeyi gulped, surpressing the urge to projectile vomit down the side of the building onto an unsuspecting driver below for the sake of his friend. “yeah, we can stay for a minute. i’m staying with you to make sure you come back.”
surprisingly, baekhan nodded in compliancy. “that’s fine,” he replied, turning around to slide down to a sitting position with the rail supporting his back, “i just need a minute.”
jaeyi sat down next to him, and the two sat in silence for a few minutes. although jaeyi was worrying about the possibility of the rail somehow giving way from the weight of the two scrawny boys and sending them tumbling over the edge, to eventually land in a sad pile as a gift to some poor pedestrian that just so happened to be walking at the wrong time.
“is there anything that’s bothering you? you don’t have to tell me, i just don’t want you to keep everything from me- i guess?” jaeyi asked.
“nothing that you can really help with,” baekhan mumbled.
“well- just tell me what’s on your mind, please? i might not be able to help, but maybe having someone listen will make it better?”
baekhan sighed, “maybe. it’s kind of complicated though.”
“try me,” jaeyi replied confidently.
nervously drumming his fingers on the concrete of the ground, he quickly said, “i’m not ready to debut.”
jaeyi blinked, “you’re being serious?” when baekhan nodded quickly, he continued, “you’re more ready than all five of us combined, where’d you get that from?”
“...because i’m not ready?” baekhan looked at jaeyi like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “have you seen my dancing? daniel has tried to help me so many times, and i’m still a horrible dancer. i don’t know how he’s so patient when i want to punch myself in the face every time i mess up the choreography.”
“i think your dancing is good...” jaeyi said quietly before baekhan continued, his eyes glossy from welling tears.
“i’m not ready, i don’t want to debut yet, i don’t even deserve to be here. you and daniel try to help, straighten your back, stick this move with your arms, chest out, neck straight, and i can’t fucking get it. i don’t know why i’m here. i’d probably be working at a fast food restaurant or something if i wasn’t here. i don’t deserve it, i’m not talented enough, i’m a fraud.”
jaeyi stiffened, not sure how to respond. he felt horrible knowing that his friend was going through this right under his nose and he had no clue. this wasn’t the confident, talented baekhan jaeyi thought he knew when he joined the company a few months prior. seeing him in a weak, vulnerable state like this filled him with an intense feeling of sonder. everyone around him, although they may have appeared fine, were living their own set of problems right underneath the surface that no one, or just a select few people even know about. but one thing was for sure, if kwon baekhan was anything, a fraud was most definitely not one of those things.
“you’re not a fraud,” jaeyi replied, and quickly added, “never were, and never will be.”
“you might think so,” baekhan quickly wiped a few stray tears away that had leaked down his cheeks and lowered his head again, letting his hair obscure part of his face, “i feel like it though. don’t bother asking why. i don’t know but i also do know.”
“i see,” jaeyi nodded slowly, “sorry- i’ve never been good with stuff like this.”
“no, it’s okay, it was actually good to get that off my chest, actually. i’ve never really said any of that out loud to anyone before,” baekhan reassured the younger.
“well- if you ever need to get anything else off your chest, come to me,” jaeyi said, “or jiwon, or sangwoo- eh no maybe not sangwoo, hanryeol- eh- tian- eh? maybe? me or jiwon would probably be your best bet, actually.”
baekhan laughed, and when he saw that jaeyi was starting to yawn, he said, “should we head back now? it’s late.”
“yeah, no shit it’s late,” jaeyi laughed with him, already starting to get up, “if you’re ready to go back, then yeah. i’d love to get off of this roof.”
“right,” baekhan followed, standing up as well. he almost felt lighter, like he could stand slightly straighter now, “that was refreshing.”
“you need sleep, i swear, have you seen yourself?” baekhan touched his face at that, and although he couldn’t see himself he could practically feel the dark circles under his eyes from the lack of sleep he’d gotten that past week.
“before we go back, c’mere,” jaeyi held his arms out, and when baekhan cautiously scooted closer, he grabbed him and enveloped him in a tight hug, baekhan immediately stiffening.
“you smell like sweat,” baekhan laughed, crinkling his nose.
“so do you,” jaeyi replied, “and can you please come to me next time you’re having trouble with something?”
“i’ll try,” baekhan mumbled into the taller boy’s chest, “oh god, what would i do without you, i swear.”
“ew, enough of that sappy shit- let’s get back now, or i’ll pass out in the elevator on the way back!” jaeyi said, loosening his grip around the shorter boy’s torso.
as the two boys walked off the roof and down to the elevator, baekhan felt a strange sense of relief that he hadn’t felt in what felt like years. and the rest of the night he’d stay up thinking- what in the world did he ever do to deserve a friend like han jaeyi?
each member got to choose a representative flower, he chose a bleeding heart because he finds them really pretty.
he learned mandarin predebut so he could help out tian better when he wasn’t as confident in his korean.
he studied abroad in japan for a year before he sighed with smk, his japanese name he chose for himself is joji.
in the botanica dorm, peach and ren share a room.
he auditioned for smk in 2016 and passed, making him a trainee for 4 years.
he has a younger sister, hanbi (2003), who he basically raised while his parents worked full time jobs.
he has a third degree black belt in taekwondo, which usually surprises people due to his small stature and cuter appearance.
despite being the leader, he’s by far the shortest member and the other members like to carry him around and make jokes about how small he is in comparison to them.
