r. sukuna | control
angst, name calling, angry! sukuna, slight OOC sukuna
wc: 5.3k
You once heard a quote that stuck with you. Where you got it from, who knows, but you remember it vividly.
Love is patient…Love is kind….
Love leaves you in the middle of the street when you piss him off.
Love is dragging him up the stairs when he gets too drunk.
Love leaves you hopeless and forgiving when he lets you down for the millionth time.
Love is hoping that he actually means it when apologizes.
And his version of love is the only one you’ve ever known.
Sukuna stumbled through the front door, kicking off his shoes and stumbling into the wall. You exhaled through your nose as he slams the door shut, walls shaking with it.
He left around 7 p.m. and it was just now turned 3 a.m. It was safe to assume that he was wasted. Utterly consumed by whatever his choice of drink was tonight. Based on the smell, whiskey.
This was the routine after all. It was almost ritualistic in nature, repeating every few nights with no change or alteration. Inevitably, something you do say or do pisses him off. He yells. You yell back. He says something outrageous and hurtful. You dish it right back. He gets angrier, throws something, and walks out. Several hours later, he comes home ten sheets to the wind and dishes out some half-assed apology. One that he doesn’t even remember the next morning.
You peel yourself from the couch, leaving behind the indent that you’ve been residing in for the last several hours. There’s an empty bottle and a full glass of wine sitting on the coffee table. Next to it, your phone. The screen reveals the several texts you sent Sukuna while he was out drinking.
You: need to know if ur coming home tn
You: ur acting like a goddamn child
You: you know what? fine. fuck you too dickhead
That was the last text you sent before he came barreling through the door, muttering obscenities about your ‘incessant pestering’.
You watch as he trips over one of his shoes, instinctively reaching out to steady him.
“Don’t.” He hisses, one hand against the wall. His words are slurred and his eyes aren’t quite open. It’s clear that the whiskey did nothing but fuel his anger. He can’t quite pinpoint what he was angry about in the first place. Something about you not cleaning something? Nah, that’s not it. All Sukuna remembers is that you pissed him off and you were in the wrong.
You raise your hands, holding them up defensively. Forget about helping him. He was hellbent on not needing you even though he clearly couldn’t stand on his own.
You stand there, watching as he empties his pockets, carelessly tossing his phone, wallet, and keys onto the entry table.
He sways on his feet as he shuffles closer to you, tripping over his discarded shoe again. A muffled curse slips out as he regains his balance. His movements are sluggish and uncoordinated as if the whiskey was starting to become too much for him.
He drags a hand down his face, trying to sober himself up. The fuck was he doing? Why was he so worked up? You crossed your arms, observing his every move, trying to decipher what was going on in his fucked up mind.
Then, for a split second, you see it.
There’s something in his eyes. Something different. Discomfort? Anguish? Pain?
No, there was something else there. Something behind his rough exterior.
You almost laugh at the thought. What a joke. Sukuna was the least remorseful person you knew.
Cruel, violent, angry? Yeah, but never remorseful. Never apologetic.
Whatever it was, it didn’t last long.
“Stop fucking looking at me like that.” Sukuna curses, stumbling forward. He catches himself at the last second, gripping onto the corner of the entry table. He squeezes his eyes shut, keeping them closed. He opens them again after a split second, hoping that he could see your clearly through the drunken haze.
You raise an eyebrow, unsure of how to answer, “I’m not looking at you like anything, Ryo-”
“You’re fucking staring, arent’cha?” He grumbles as he tries to shoulder past you.
You let out a frustrated sigh and shift with his movements, blocking his path.
“You’re still wearing your jacket.”
It’s not meant to be an insult. Just a simple observation. But in Sukuna’s drunken state, anything you said was a direct insult on him.
A moment passes between the two of you. And then in one swift motion, Sukuna tears the jacket off his body and throws it. It sails through the room and hits the back of the couch, landing on the floor with a soft thud.
You narrow your eyes, irritated with his reaction. Though you suppose it was lighter than his previous ones.
“…Didn’t I tell you to stop fucking looking at me like that?!”
There it is. The big blow up. Sukuna’s big explosion. At this point, anything you say or do was bound to piss him off. You bite the inside of your cheek, holding back the colorful words that are threatening to grace his ears.
“I’m not looking at you like anything, Ryom-”
“Yes you fucking are!” He stands tall, hovering over you, chest heaving with an unfiltered drunken rage. “You think I can’t tell what you’re thinking. Huh?! You’ve got the same stupid fucking look on your face every single goddamn day!”
He jabs a large finger in your face as if that will help you see his point. “You think you’re so much better than me don’t you? All because miss goodyfuckingtwoshoes got her life figured out and I don’t.” A bitter laugh forces it’s way out. “Well news flash, sweetheart! You’re nothing more than a judgmental bitch!”
You stand there, unfazed by his sudden outburst.
“Got nothing to say now, huh?” He scoffs, “Self-righteous cunt…”
It’s sad, honestly - the fact that you don’t even give him a reaction anymore. You let him sit in his words, hoping that in the next few seconds, he would realize the weight of what he just said.
You’ve heard it all before - different words, same hateful tone, same result. He says it enough that your body doesn’t even feel the pang in your chest anymore. Like they just go in one ear and out the other.
His breathing is uneven and rapid, chest rising and falling. Sukuna’s ready for an argument. Ready to spew out whatever hateful insult he can think of in his drunken state but your retort doesn’t come.
You just stand there, bored and expectant.
He raises an eyebrow, not liking the lack of reaction he’s getting from you. He’s not used to this. If it were any other night, you would have met him head on, retaliating with your own insults and curses to match his. Not whatever the hell this is. This unsettled him in a way he would never admit.
Instead, you hold out your hand. “C’mon…Let’s go.”
He doesn’t move. Sukuna’s posture is as stiff as a board. His gaze locks onto your hand, cautious and mildly concerned, almost as like you just handed him a loaded gun. He doesn’t get it. This isn’t normal. You weren’t acting normal.
Why weren’t you reacting?
Did you not care anymore?
Why weren’t you screaming?
His fingers twitch as his hand lifts to meet yours. Then all of the sudden, the realization of what he was doing crashes down on him, making him drop his hand back to his side.
His jaw tightens as he shoulders past you, making a beeline for the stairs.
He doesn’t finish his sentence.
He pitches forward as his foot catches the corner of the rug. There’s a split second where he tries to grab onto something, anything, to save him from hitting the ground, but all he grabs is air. Sukuna clips his shoulder on the edge of the staircase as the rest of his body hits the ground with a loud, echoing thud.
You curl your lips inward, stifling a laugh. God knew if you laughed, he would turn into a murderous monster, but you couldn’t help but snicker.
He lays there for a moment, chest rising and falling, signaling to you that he was still alive. A low groan escapes as he turns his head to look at you.
He’s still annoyed and irritated, but there’s a flicker of embarrassment hiding in there as well.
“Tch…” He clicks, holding out his hand as you reach for him.
It takes you a few tries, but eventually, you get him up and brush him off.
“Don’t need help, huh?” You joke lightly.
In return, you receive a sharp pointed glare that makes you shut up.
The steps creak as the two of you head up the stairs. He trails behind you, pulling you slightly off balance as you teeter your way up the steps. Sukuna doesn’t make a single noise as he puts all of his concentration and focus onto the steps.
After almost falling (again) back down, the pair of you finally make it to the shared bedroom. Sukuna flops down onto the California King, the mattress dipping under his weight, as you shuffle your way into the bathroom.
The light flicks on, too bright for Sukuna to handle. He groans and rolls over onto his stomach, face down in the pillow.
“Turn that shit off!” He yells, voice muffled.
You open the medicine cabinet, pulling out the almost empty bottle of painkillers, and then slamming it shut with a little more force than necessary.
Sukuna flinches, the noise rattling his skull.
“…You did that on purpose.”
He hears you shuffling around in the bathroom for a few more moments before the light flicks off and you emerge.
That’s all it takes for you to reach him.
You sit on the edge of the bed just as he rolls over and pushes himself up, leaning on his elbows to support him. He runs a hand over his face, groaning softly before holding his hand out.
You place the bottle in his palm and reach for the water bottle on the night stand, opening it. You take a small sip as Sukuna throws the pills back and snatches the bottle from you - chugging it in one go.
He tossed the empty bottle aside and it lands on the carpet with a soft thud.
Silence fills the room again, thick and heavy.
He looks at you, really looks at you and takes you in, he finally sees it.
You try and hide it behind the small, teasing smile. An after effect from his earlier fall. But he can see it.
The dark circles, ones that look like they’ve been there for months.
The heaviness in your expression like the weight of the entire world was resting on your shoulders.
The exhaustion radiating from your once overly energetic self.
He flinches as the realization dawns on him.
You used to have this light about you.
Annoyingly bright and loud.
It crept its way into his mind and heart till it completely took over.
Without him realizing it, you changed him, made him better. He wasn’t as harsh with others. Didn’t snap back as fast. It was like you dulled his sharp edges and made him more approachable and kind even.
Yes, you made him better, but the feeling and the easiness was strange and unwelcome in his malevolent domain.
He hated how soft you had made him.
How easy it was to bite his tongue when you were around.
How charming he had become.
Sukuna didn’t want to change. He didn’t want to be soft. He was hot blooded, temperamental, and cruel. It was in his nature. It came easy to him, not this…pansy version you had created.
So he did what he did best, he dimmed your light.
Not all at once, no. That would have been too easy for him. Too permanent. He didn’t want you to leave…he just wanted you… different.
He did it little by little.
A random fight over you not responding fast enough.
Until, it became second nature to him again. Till disappointing and hurting you became part of his everyday routine
But he didn’t notice that along the way, you had changed, just not necessarily in the way he wanted. You stopped flinching at every word, at every attempt to push you away, at every careless curse.
Until there was nothing left but embers.
His plan was easy: dim the bright, annoying, light. He didn’t just do that.
He fucking annihilated it.
Drove it down so deep that it wasn’t even visible anymore. He buried it so far down in your heart that you didn’t even know if it existed.
He doesn’t even recognize you.
Physically, you’re still the same. Still breathtakingly beautiful, but underneath that?
You were barely there. Sitting in your place was a ghost.
Sukuna’s chest tightens as that same damn unfamiliar feeling bloomed in his chest.
This is exactly what he wanted.
He wanted you broken. Complacent. Uneasy. He made you like this. Every insult, every fight, every choice- he acted on it, pushed it so far that he widened the gap between the two of you.
This was exactly what he wanted. Right?
He snaps out of his thoughts, coming back to reality.
He realizes that he’s been staring.
How long have you been looking at him like that?
Why are you looking at him like that?
“You okay?” Your voice is soft, too kind for what he’s done to you, “Do you need more water or something?” You reach out to brush some stray hairs out of his face.
Before he can even register it, his hand snaps up to catch your wrist mid-motion. He pulls it back down into his lap, his grip tight and stiff.
“Stop.” His jaw tightens.
There’s no bite behind it. Just strained reluctance.
His hand lingers for a moment before releasing you. You nod, deciding that there was nothing else to say, and crawl over to your side of the bed.
The mattress dips under your weight as you shuffle to get comfortable. In your mind, there is no way for you to get comfortable. There are too many hidden feelings and unspoken words lying between the two of you. Just too much that had happened. Your world was no longer quiet nor comfortable. It had become loud and uneasy. And you didn’t want to hear it.
Sukuna opens his mouth, but snaps it shut just as quick. He doesn’t know what to say to you. Quite frankly, he doesn’t know how to just be with you anymore. The dynamic between the two of you had shifted into this battlefield that he doesn’t know how to conquer. But alas, it was all of his own doing.
He breaks the silence first.
Sukuna flips onto his back, staring at the ceiling as it spins and spins, making him squeeze his eyes shut.
Your body freezes. You weren’t expecting him to keep talking. Normally, he would just fall asleep and wake up the next morning forgetting about everything the night before.
“We aren’t normal…” He admits, “It wasn’t always like this… was it?”
You sit up slightly, leaning back on your elbow. You sneak a glance at Sukuna, realizing he’s not even looking at you. Not even a quick side glance. No, his eyes are completely shut.
‘Is he really that far gone…?’ You think.
You say nothing in response. How could you? You didn’t know what he was going on about. He was just cursing you out a minute ago, so what changed?
Not that anything with him did.
The room falls silent again and for a second, you think that he finally fell asleep. That is until his voice reaches out again.
“We used to be fun…” He whispers, his voice unusually soft and timid.
You mind races with previous memories. Ones that used to be filled with the random late night drives. Small arguments that ended in laughter. You ransacking his closet and snack stash. Back then, loving Ryomen Sukuna felt like exciting - like a chasing a high.
Now it was exhausting and lonely.
Your heart constricts with guilt and a bittersweet nostalgia.
“Yeah, we used to be…” Your voice comes out harsh than you meant it. “It hasn’t been like that for awhile, Ryo…”
Your blunt honesty stabs him straight through his cold heart.
Sukuna knew that you didn’t mean for your words to be harsh. It was just plain, cold truth.
His jaw ticks and a humorless laugh escapes from his lips.
You furrow your brows, not sure where this conversation is about to go. You finally turn completely towards him, laying on your side, arms tucked in close to you, as if shielding you from whatever was about to happen.
Sukuna peels open his eyes and turns his head towards you. “You’re such a brat, you know that?”
Your eyes widen. Yes his words were slightly insulting, but the look on his face was what scared you.
Sukuna Ryomen - the coldest, cruelest, angriest person you knew in the world looked absolutely terrified.
Completely and utterly terrified.
Maybe it was the lack of lighting in the cold room, but you could have sworn his red eyes were glistening with tears. The expression on his face was contorted with fear and unspoken emotions.
He looks like a little kid - lost and alone.
“Y-you don-” He chokes on his words, “You don’t look at me the same…”
His confession lingers in the air.
His fingers curl around the comforter as if squeezing the life out of it will somehow make this whole situation easier.
He takes a shaky breath, swallowing down the emotions that were creeping up his throat.
“I keep waiting for you to do something.”
“Yell at me. Hit me. Kick me the fuck out…”
Your face twists with sadness as he continues.
“But you just look so…” His voice cracks as his heart breaks. “You look so tired.”
A single tears breaks free and slides down his cheek. Sukuna wipes it away harshly, cursing under his breath.
“Son of bitch…” He curses again, his anger rising. Except he’s not angry at you anymore. He’s angry at himself.
He was so focused on getting you to stop changing him that he forgot to love you at all.
The realization sucks the breath out of him. He destroyed your gentle love and twisted it into this abomination. This stone cold version of you that still loved him, just not as loudly as before. He took every ounce of your kindness, love, and generosity and treated it like a disease like it’s touch would ruin who he was.
And Sukuna didn’t know if he could come back from that…
Emotions bubbled up in your chest.
Grief. Confusion. Hurt. Anger. Relief.
It was like a tsunami of emotions had just poured out of Sukuna in a handful of meaningless words - like all the sudden he finally wiped away the layer of filth coating his vision.
And that pissed you off more than anything.
“The fuck am I supposed to do with that, huh?!”
You finally snapped. Sukuna visibly flinches at your sudden outburst, shock evident on his face.
You sit up, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to be all sad and fucking mopey after treating me like shit!” Your voice cracks, revealing every crack and cut on your fragile heart.
He opens his mouth, ready to snap back, but nothing comes out.
“You wanna know why I’m tired? HUH? DO YOU?” A bitter laugh echoes out. “Because of YOU! I’m exhausted because we fight 24/7. You call me names, tear me down, leave me when I need you! You come home piss drunk almost every night and just except me to sit here and take care of you!”
Sukuna sits up, suddenly sober and aware.
“And yes, I just sit there and take it because I love you! But it’s exhausting! Loving you is EXHAUSTING!” You yell, face red with tears.
You pause, chest heaving up and down, vibrating with buried anger and pain.
A moment of silence passes before you speak again.
“Do you have any idea what it feels like to love someone who treats you like you’re disgusting?”
Your words hit Sukuna like a physical blow. Like someone reached into his chest and pulled his heart right out.
His mind races, trying to grasp onto the words that could explain the raging war inside his chest, but nothing seems right.
Sorry wasn’t going to cut it.
It wasn’t in the same universe as what would fix it.
He’s done enough damage that apologies wouldn’t be enough to fix or begin to mend your broken heart.
“I-” The words die on his tongue almost immediately.
For the time in his life, Sukuna is utterly speechless. He had never once hesitated to bring you down and insult you, so why couldn’t he form the right words to fix this? Why couldn’t his brain come up with anything to right his wrongs?
His jaw ticks as he forces himself to meet your eyes.
You’re cryi- no…sobbing. You’re completely undone and unraveled by it all. Swollen eyes, tear-streaked face, exhaustion carved into the very fiber of your being.
Worst part about it? It’s quiet.
You’re not wailing loudly, not screaming or cursing anymore. Just sitting there, knees pulled to your chest, arms wrapped tightly around them, silent as your body shakes with each silent sob.
This is the final act that cracks his heart completely in half.
His hands twitch in his lap, instinctively wanting to reach for you, but he forcefully stills them. He runs his hands over his face, trying to rub some sense into his brain.
“Fuck it…” He whispers to no one in particular. “C’mere…”
Sukuna shifts closer, movements unsteady from the lingering alcohol in his body. The mattress dips further under his weight as he closes the distance between the two of you.
His mind is screaming at him to stop, to run away, to completely ignore what his eyes are witnessing, but he doesn’t give a flying shit. He had ruined you enough and now, it was time for him to fix it.
His primal urge for control was what landed him in this clusterfuck. And for the first time, he was fucking sick of it.
He doesn’t want that anymore. He just wants you.
He wraps his arms around you, his movements slow and unsure. You melt into him, holding onto his shirt as you cry on his shoulder. His chin rests on top of your head as he listens to finally let go of everything you kept buried.
He feels it almost immediately - the way you’re shaking, the way that your body is finally releasing all of the tension and pain its been holding onto.
Doesn’t mock you, doesn’t stop it, just lets it happen. He knows you need this. That you need to let it all out or else it would cleave you in half. Or worse, you would leave him.
He tightens his grip around you as your sobs begin to soften. You pull back, one hand still clutching onto his shirt as if it’s your life line, the other wipes at your face sloppily.
“I’m gonna fix it.” He declares.
You let out a huff, not believing his sudden declaration.
Sukuna narrows his eyes, “Tsk.”
“I’m serious, you little shit.”
His hand comes up, careful and precise, brushing your hair back behind your ear. He caresses your cheek, using his thumb to wipe a stray tear away.
“It’s not gonna be easy,” He whispers, cautiously, like this sudden admission will ruin whatever is left of the relationship, “And I don’t care how long it takes…”
“But it’s gonna fucking change.”
His intent is clear as day. He actually wants this.
“Just don’t go before I can do it, ‘kay?” He adds.
You search his eyes. Part of you wants to believe him. The other part of you believes that this is the alcohol talking. You’ve heard the same spiel over and over again, but something about this time feels different.
Maybe it’s the fact, he finally realized the consequences or maybe it was common sense finally winning. Who knows, really. But something about this time was unusual and oddly comforting.
“What makes this different?” You question, deciding that speaking on your doubts was the best idea and hopefully would receive the best outcome. “You’ve said this all before, Ryomen.”
He leans back against the headboard, completely pulling away from you. He creates space between the two of you - not out of hostility, but simply just settling into the reality that this is the possibly the new dynamic.
“Yeah, I have, haven’t I?”
His jaw tightens as he exhales through his nose, “But…here’s the thing. I actually mean it this time. I’m not asking to you fucking do anything different. I’m just asking you to wait. Lemme prove that I mean it this time.”
You open your mouth, ready to question him again, but he cuts you off.
“That’s all I’m asking…that’s it. Just let me fucking try, damnit.”
Sukuna doesn’t dare say anything else. His words hang in the air - fragile and patient. Everything that comes after this was entirely dependent on you and whatever choice you made.
It was out of his control.
It was an unfamiliar feeling for him - the lack of control. The feeling sat there in his chest, foreign and unwelcome, but he makes no move to push it out. This was part of being better. Accepting that not everything had to go his way or be the way he wanted.
He watches you as you ponder his words. He can see it in your eyes that you’re picking apart every word, dissecting it as if there was some hidden truth beneath them. Sukuna makes no move to stop you, to tell you that you’re overthinking, that you were worrying for nothing. He wanted this to truly be a decision that you made on your own - with no one swaying or trying to alter it.
The fact that you’re trying to find an ulterior motive irritates him, but he understands why you’re doing it.
Previously, all he’s done is apologized so you would get off his back and stop nagging at him. Those ‘apologies’ weren’t meant as tools for escape and to end arguments rather than solve them or admit actual wrongdoings.
So of course, you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. The expectation for it sits right alongside his words.
But just being here, laying in the same bed, being in the same home, picking apart his words, is enough for him. Enough for him to want to change.
In that silence, Sukuna welcomes the lack of control. It’s still uncomfortable and still unraveling in all aspects. He doesn’t know how to carry this feeling. It makes my uncharacteristically anxious and frustrated. His insticts are begging him to push it out, but instead he ignores it.
He doesn’t move to fix it.
He doesn’t have the urge to fill it.
By doing so, something shifts inside him - not in a way that’s noticeable, at least not in this moment.
That pang in his chest? The anxiety he’s feeling?
The part of him that fed off the need to control everything around him.
The part of him that had to fill every void with something else.
He doesn’t move to fix it. Doesn’t fill it nor claim it.
And in that stillness - while the world around him is uncertain and broken - he’s certain of one thing.
He’s no longer needs control.
The next morning arrives much sooner than Sukuna would have liked. The sun beams through the curtains, shining directly onto Sukuna’s face.
For a few moments, he tries to fall back asleep but alas, he had no success.
His shifts slightly and immediately regrets it. The whole world starts spinning and his body feel like it was hit with a semi-truck.
“Fucking bitch…” He mutter under his breath, sinking back into the mattress.
What the hell did he do last ni-
He tries to move again and the room tilts at an almost disrespectful angle and he drops back down into the pillow.
From somewhere distant, a small laugh slips past your hand as you try and fail to hold in your life.
“Stop laughing…it’s not funny.” He murmurs, tilting his head so he can see you.
The corners of your lips twitch upwards again. Sukuna feels his eye twitch in annoyance.
“Laugh again and I’m kicking you off the bed.” He threatens weakly, though his words hold no bite. Just pain and suffering.
“You fell up the stairs, Ryo. Not down. Up.”
“No, I didn’t.” He shoots back.
“Your foot was literally on the step.”
“I slipped!” He cracks on eye open, glaring at you.
“You ate shit. Pretty sure there’s a dent in the floor from your big back ass.”
You laugh again, throwing the cover off of you. You slip out of the bed, standing and stretching out your limbs.
“C’mon, old man,” you tease, “Get up so we can go get you some grippy socks.”
You bark out another laugh. You were just full of jokes this morning.
A pillow sails past your head as he sits up, bracing himself to stand on his own two feet.
“You think you’re so fucking funny, don’t you?” He groans again. He’s fighting a war inside his mind and clearly the hangover is winning and Sukuna is suffering.
He squints at you suspiciously.
“Why are you standing like that?”
“Like you’re about to catch something…” He pauses, narrowing his eyes. “Are you…you- you’re waiting for me to fall again.” he states matter-of-factly.
You snort. “Can you blame me? I think your old age is about to catch up to you.”
“You’re a pain in the ass…” He mumbles, stumbling towards the bathroom. Slowly. So painful slow.
You bite your lips, but not before another small laugh escapes.
“I hate you,” He grumbles.
“Okay, now who’s the liar?”
“Move, brat.” He shuffles past you.
Right into the doorframe.
The impact sends him stumbling backwards until he falls flat on his ass.
“OHMYGOD!” You wheeze, choking on laughter.
Sukuna lays on his back, staring up at the ceiling.
“I’m burning this house down.”
a/n: this fic is dedicated to @yoonsucks my yoonie queen was sooooooo freakin helpful when i was pestering her with questions about how to get started. and she gave me sooo many tips! i was a silent reader of hers till i decided to get back in writing and let me just tell ya - her fits are MWAH! CHEF'S KISS!! go check her works out and make sure to share them!! any who, yoonie, i know you're not big on angst, but i seriously hope you enjoy!
p.s. i tried to make it light hearted at the end by adding a smidge of humor (but i'm still improving my crack writing abilities)
as usual, my dear readers, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is always welcome and my requests as always open!
here is my masterlist if you want to check out the rest of my works!
photos & fanart were found on Pinterest
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divider credit goes to @/pixopix <3
