#pembro

[geckoblue]

I Need Good Vibes

I have just spent a solid week in the hospital. Apparently I get to suffer from severe nerve pain as these little god damn tumors push into them throughout my back. Oi, but the drugs they give you make you forget your name AND your pain.

I am finding them all over the place at this point. All over my back and sides and chest. Most under the skin so you can feel them, you just can’t see them. I do have a new one on my neck that you can see, so now I don’t shave cuz it will bruise soon. Two on my legs too. THAT PISSES ME OFF. I will complain when I die that taking running away really was unfair!

I can still run though for now. I have noticed it has affected my breathing now. Remember, I have three big suckers in my lungs with a dozen or so smaller nodes.

AND, I am set to run the Pittsburgh Marathon on May 3….and I am soooooo far off the training grid now. I want everyone to come to that marathon and celebrate with me, it’s close to my birthday.

I do have one complaint, and this complaint obviously stems from the fact that I am and will be forever male. I soooooo want to get to know and get with a long legged runner girl. Just for a weekend. I think this is the funniest thing in the world too. Here I am skating on the edge between life and death, and my libido is still assisting in my decisions or wants. What an idiot! But that does make me male. LOL

I will continue to keep everybody updated. I am serious about the Pittsburgh Marathon; if you can make it, come and let’s celebrate! PM me and we can make arrangements

[geckoblue]

I Just Couldn't Run Today

My arm hurts too much. I have a tumor on my upper arm. Right in the middle where a shirt sleeve normally hangs down to. Its growing. It pushes the kin out enough that it as created a bruise. It hurts. There is a general numbing sensation that runs from that spot down to the tip of my middle finger. The arm just feels "dead" sometimes. It hangs and it is sore. The worst one is on my right chest just next to my armpit. It has a burning sensation. Sometimes very painful, but mostly just uncomfortable. If I put bare skin next to it then it immediately burns. Guess what happens when I run? My arm moves and causes rubbing which causes immense burning pain. Nothing alleviates this pain either. No salve, water, ice, warmth, nothing. It all aggravates the pain. So I didn't even feel like running today. I just wanna crawl in a hole sometimes. I just feel like I gave up tonight. I am also now feeling spots of pain in other areas of my body. The left shoulder. My left hip. A spot internally on my right side. I lose breathe to sometimes. A sudden shortness. I am trying not to get depressed. I have to be strong for everybody. For my kids who spontaneously cry. I can't cry with them. I have to tell them that everything will be ok. Even when I die, it will be ok for my children. They will live on. I tell this to friends who complain that they will miss me. It is fun to tell the asshole who calls on the phone seeking something. You simply say "dude, I have cancer! Jesus! Good luk buddy!" I wish I had someone that I didn't have to pretend to be strong with. That is you guys. I can dump here. I dont like to, but I need to every once in a while. I appreciate everyone who has sent me messages and mail of support. I contact everyone back too. I need that support. This gets hard when you don't have someone to share with. To be scared with. Someone who can hold you. I am getting tired of holding everyone else. I want to be selfish and be held.