So I am not entirely sure I figured out what was wrong with me - but I think because I have too many aspects to my personalities that bloom with certain and different people, it has become extremely difficult to maintain them and keep up with all of them - I am tired, you see?
For too long, I have been the funny cousin to my bestfriend-cousins, and the sweet tolerant one to the rest, I have been the nice strong friend to my best friend and the stupid one to the other because I wanted her to find comfort in my silliness, I have been the fragile over sensitive wife because I never knew how to grow up, and a strong fitted leader of a woman to strangers. I have been too many things, you see? too many facets and too many things, that it's hard for me to maintain all of them and be all of them - I can no longer keep up. It's becoming harder and harder. The thing is, I am all of them, but I am not either. I am a little sensitive, fragile, strong, well-spoken, sweet, funny, silly.... I am all of those, but I struggle to show all of me to everyone - I pick and choose.
The thing is, I am a people pleaser. So, I pick and choose to accommodate whoever is with me, to make sure that the other person is pleased and satisfied - I won't deny that I tend to be emotionally intelligent - I can predict and understand what others would prefer in a person and act upon that - give them exactly what they want or need. AND THAT'S WHAT IS EXHAUSTING. what's exhausting is this endless game of trying to please everyone and be everyone's favorite person - I am in no way achieving that but I am starting to see how exhausting it has been to put up a curtain and hide whatever of my personality didn't suit the opposition.
