#per text post

[everydreamrecorded]

i’m great and make interesting things

[everydreamrecorded]

i really really want to draw more. even tho i’m not good, i’m not good at anything really so why not since i want to. but either i can’t get started or i do and get stuck, i don’t work on any one drawing for more than a few minutes.... idk...

[everydreamrecorded]

who else has this problem, thoughts come into your head but you can’t fully grasp them, they’re just fuckin there for a second and the feeling is real and big but you don’t have the whole thing? this happens often enough i think it is kind of a problem for me idk if it really is or if i’m exaggerating 

?

[everydreamrecorded]

i’m guessing there’s more you have to do to get his quest (i’ve done it before (more than once?? i love nick so i’m assuming...) but i forget everything) because it is not working and my somewhat frantic googling makes it sound like you have to get past the memory den part of the main quest. but i, dummy, have spent 500 years hacking every damn terminal to get those like notifications. i was in hallucigen which has like 5 terminals or something and i just killed everyone and then went back to each terminal, hacked it, and then found a chair and waited for 5 hours so his waiting period was over, and repeat for all terminals.

i’ve been obsessed with this tonight (and kind of, off and on, for the last few days) because i know you gotta do that quest to get his perk (and get him romanced thanks to that mod lol) and the quest takes another 500 years to go all over the map and i want to do far harbor but i don’t want to do that until we are the best fucking friends and

if this is not the reason it’s not working (needing to go further in the main quest) i might literally cry because i’ve put a lot of time into this playthrough and even tho i never get invested in particular characters as far as roleplaying goes, and i’m not with this one, i have gathered a ton of scrap and caps and i have a lot of settlements going and idk i’m on edge

[everydreamrecorded]

i changed my theme and icon so if you don’t recognize the icon, that’s why. it’s now nick in the ocean, instead of just the ocean. i think i should look at my about description but i’m afraid of whatever stupid shit i put in there before, i don’t want to read it. maybe i’ll just open it and quickly delete it all and then rewrite it from scratch. i still don’t know what to say about myself tho... i love posting here about myself hah but i don’t know how to describe myself in a concise way

ah hell i’ll  just write it as i did all my papers and blog posts and pretty much any piece of writing i’ve ever done - as a stream of consciousness sort of thing, little to no planning, i’ll just write whatever the hell i feel like writing in the moment

[everydreamrecorded]

I uh it’s not working tho, i still think that is n’t right, i can’t even, i can’t enjoy the end you know!!!! I cant hardly write about this, im losing it

I am now being flooded with memories of doing it, some from childhood, some from college, i am going to die i hate myself

Haha is all this becaus e my parents have never told me it’s okay, they never said a single word about anything related to sex and I don;t know which i think is more likely, that they don’t know i do m and would hate me if they knew or if they do know and secretly hate me lol i guess the second is less likely, wouldn’t they say something if they knew and think its an awful gross thing for me to be doing

Uh i (i started to write ‘ah’ instead there but i think that seems sexual somehow haha!!!!! You cant put that in there you fucking gross shit!!!!!!!!!) i dnont know what i was going to write I’m tired and afraid

Shit shit shit sorry I’m so sorry

[everydreamrecorded]

apparently it’s time for another identity crisis

[everydreamrecorded]

i’m very anxious now hahhh

i keep thinking of doing something good and helpful like breathing/counting or something like that, or drawing, or ripping up scrap paper even but instead i’m like what’s the point because i’ll just feel embarrassed after it goes away. i’ve posted too much tonight i think and i want to post tons more to explain each new post and my feelings during/about each one/each moment in time (why do i need to explain any of this) 

i’ve lost track and i cannot read what i’ve just written because i’m sure it sounds fucking stupid and if i read it i won’t post it and i gotta because i need to explain and also release some stuff. talking into the void like this seems like it would help tho i don’t know if it really does (also i know it’s not exactly a void since i have 1500 followers but i have such trouble replying that even tho i see replies i don’t always reply back to them because i get anxious!! again!!!!) 

fuck i ah i don’t know i’m flipping out

ignore this please, honestly i don’t know what the hell i’m talking about and i’m not sure if i can handle replies or actually i don’t know if that’s true or if i just think i can’t because i think i can’t handle anything ever

oh that’s what i was originally trying to get at. okay so i think of doing things that might help ease my anxiety but i know i’ll feel bad about all this later/tomorrow/some other future time and it seems like there’s no point. why not just stay anxious, forever, since the bad feelings will come back anyway. why go thru the ups and downs, the feeling normal and then that ripping away by my own self, and then come back to normal, and then fucking freak out again. again again again

and i think i can’t handle this shit even tho i do and am. i am handling it, i’m here, i haven’t even tried to kill myself (went to the hospital but hadn’t actually done anything before we went.. i wanted to but told my mom instead. why did i include this here) so i clearly can handle all of this but maybe that sentence needs ‘so far’ added on, i clearly can handle all of this SO FAR but can i handle more of it

but what the fuck does it matter if i can’t handle more in the future, i’ll deal with not being able to handle it then yeah? i can’t give up because i might not be able to take any more shit tomorrow or next week or next year......

shit