In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.
The following excerpts offer a fascinating glimpse into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope:
As Jesus always said, blessed be the normal children.
And on that day—the best of my life—I thanked God for everything good He had given me. It was like I was speaking directly to Him. Because He’d called me to ask me to be His running mate.
Mary Magdalene is an underrated figure in the Bible. Very loyal. Stayed in her lane.
God told Abraham to sacrifice his son, and Abraham prepared to do it. I think about this story often, especially when I’m asked about the Department of Education.
Why do the sacraments matter? Because Heaven, like all good nation-states, requires strong borders.
Don’t believe the rumors. I love the Pope! I think he’s fine. He feels the same way about me.
I hear your concerns about Iran, but trust me, it’s not a big deal: God will make peace in Heaven. Also, I was quietly against it from the start.
Blessed be the martyrs. That kind of commitment is rare. I personally have never died for anything, but I have posted through some very difficult news cycles.
Like Jesus, I grew up poor.
Catholicism first spoke to me when I watched Spotlight.
For me, hating trans people isn’t about faith. It’s about: I think it’s weird, and I don’t get it.
I certainly hope the Pope reads this book! There’s a lot for him to learn. I sent it to him. For a promo blurb, actually. He didn’t respond. His loss! Idiot. He’s probably too busy talking about things he knows nothing about, like theology.
Don’t worry: America has proven itself ready for another Catholic president. The data bears this out pretty strongly, or I never would have converted.
Was it strange to get baptized as an adult? Not really. An adult man can still enjoy a good splish splash.
Also rosaries: not technically jewelry, therefore not technically gay.
We’ve opted to raise our kids Catholic and white.
It’s true that Jesus didn’t talk much about restricting access to abortion. Publicly. But we can’t know what he said behind closed doors. Same with me on the Iran situation-type-thing. I opposed it. But I support the President.
Any time I have to go to Congress to sort one of these things out, it’s like, nail me to a cross right now amiright?! JK. Lol. But seriously.
There’s a common misconception that I don’t like Muslims. Couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, I don’t like any non-Christians. And a lot of Christians piss me off, too. James Talarico.
Many people ask me how I reconcile my faith with my politics. I don’t. That’s what faith is. So stop asking me.
As a Catholic, I 100% agree with the Pope’s AI encyclical, which is a word I definitely knew before this week. But nowhere in 42,000 words did he mention that I didn’t kill his predecessor, which seems like an oversight.
Wearing the rosary isn’t gay, even if you’re a man. Especially if you’re a man. I got mine at a rally. Shut up. Leave me alone.
Idiot libs love to tell me that Jesus preached a message of kindness to the stranger. But the strangers he had to deal with weren’t brown. I don’t think. So what I have to deal with is different.
Stop asking me so many questions. My faith is between me, God, my pollster, and Stephen Miller.
STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.
No, I didn’t kill the last Pope. I read his autopsy report. FFS. The man was 88 years old. Leave me the f*ck alone.
Catholics have a reputation for feeling guilty constantly, about everything, whether or not it’s their fault. Not me. I feel guilty constantly, about everything, because it mostly is my fault.
Why is everyone so up my ass about my Catholicism all of a sudden?! I wrote ONE book about it.
Tell Leo to BACK OFF and STAY IN HIS LANE.
LEAVE ME ALONE. I’m praying over here.
Jesus forgives. Not that I’ve done anything wrong.
And I was opposed to the little skirmish in Iran, which is not a war.
