#andy borowitz

[saywhat-politics]

“First Kristi Noem, and now Pam Bondi,” the official Iranian statement read. “The dominoes are falling one by one.”

[porterdavis]

[victusinveritas]

From Andy Borowitz:

In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.

The following excerpts offer a fascinating glimpse into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope:

As Jesus always said, blessed be the normal children.

And on that day—the best of my life—I thanked God for everything good He had given me. It was like I was speaking directly to Him. Because He’d called me to ask me to be His running mate.

Mary Magdalene is an underrated figure in the Bible. Very loyal. Stayed in her lane.

God told Abraham to sacrifice his son, and Abraham prepared to do it. I think about this story often, especially when I’m asked about the Department of Education.

Why do the sacraments matter? Because Heaven, like all good nation-states, requires strong borders.

Don’t believe the rumors. I love the Pope! I think he’s fine. He feels the same way about me.

I hear your concerns about Iran, but trust me, it’s not a big deal: God will make peace in Heaven. Also, I was quietly against it from the start.

Blessed be the martyrs. That kind of commitment is rare. I personally have never died for anything, but I have posted through some very difficult news cycles.

Like Jesus, I grew up poor.

Catholicism first spoke to me when I watched Spotlight.

For me, hating trans people isn’t about faith. It’s about: I think it’s weird, and I don’t get it.

I certainly hope the Pope reads this book! There’s a lot for him to learn. I sent it to him. For a promo blurb, actually. He didn’t respond. His loss! Idiot. He’s probably too busy talking about things he knows nothing about, like theology.

Don’t worry: America has proven itself ready for another Catholic president. The data bears this out pretty strongly, or I never would have converted.

Was it strange to get baptized as an adult? Not really. An adult man can still enjoy a good splish splash.

Also rosaries: not technically jewelry, therefore not technically gay.

We’ve opted to raise our kids Catholic and white.

It’s true that Jesus didn’t talk much about restricting access to abortion. Publicly. But we can’t know what he said behind closed doors. Same with me on the Iran situation-type-thing. I opposed it. But I support the President.

Any time I have to go to Congress to sort one of these things out, it’s like, nail me to a cross right now amiright?! JK. Lol. But seriously.

There’s a common misconception that I don’t like Muslims. Couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, I don’t like any non-Christians. And a lot of Christians piss me off, too. James Talarico.

Many people ask me how I reconcile my faith with my politics. I don’t. That’s what faith is. So stop asking me.

As a Catholic, I 100% agree with the Pope’s AI encyclical, which is a word I definitely knew before this week. But nowhere in 42,000 words did he mention that I didn’t kill his predecessor, which seems like an oversight.

Wearing the rosary isn’t gay, even if you’re a man. Especially if you’re a man. I got mine at a rally. Shut up. Leave me alone.

Idiot libs love to tell me that Jesus preached a message of kindness to the stranger. But the strangers he had to deal with weren’t brown. I don’t think. So what I have to deal with is different.

Stop asking me so many questions. My faith is between me, God, my pollster, and Stephen Miller.

STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

No, I didn’t kill the last Pope. I read his autopsy report. FFS. The man was 88 years old. Leave me the f*ck alone.

Catholics have a reputation for feeling guilty constantly, about everything, whether or not it’s their fault. Not me. I feel guilty constantly, about everything, because it mostly is my fault.

Why is everyone so up my ass about my Catholicism all of a sudden?! I wrote ONE book about it.

Tell Leo to BACK OFF and STAY IN HIS LANE.

LEAVE ME ALONE. I’m praying over here.

Jesus forgives. Not that I’ve done anything wrong.

And I was opposed to the little skirmish in Iran, which is not a war.

[muddypolitics]

[democracyunderground]

Axios reports Ted Cruz’s account of a conversation he had with Trump:

“If we get to November of [2026] and people’s 401(k)s are down 30% and prices are up 10–20% at the supermarket, we’re going to go into Election Day, face a bloodbath,” Cruz told Trump.

“You’re going to lose the House, you’re going to lose the Senate, you’re going to spend the next two years being impeached every single week.”

Cruz said Trump responded: “Fuck you, Ted.”

[tomorrowusa]

Steve "Halfwit" Witkoff is not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Even last April when this was written, Witkoff already had an established reputation as a dumbass.

The Useful Idiot’s Useful Idiot

Witkoff has risen in the Trump administration as swiftly as measles cases in Texas. First, Trump dispatched him to the Middle East, perhaps reasoning that a novice diplomat should start in a region where countries have a long history of getting along superbly. How has that peacemaking gone so far? Well, let’s just say that Trump won’t be breaking ground on the Mar-a-Gaza Beach Club any time soon. But he was apparently so happy with Witkoff’s rookie performance that he added another crisis to his portfolio: Ukraine. With Witkoff now running America’s foreign policy, Secretary of State Little Marco will be lucky to be included in the next Signal chat with Jeff Goldberg. In Ukraine, Witkoff’s gifts as a useful idiot have been on magnificent display. On March 21 he appeared on the podcast of former Fox News host-slash-fellow useful idiot Tucker Carlson, where he announced that he “liked” the president of the Russian Federation. "I don't regard Putin as a bad guy," he astutely observed. Elsewhere on the podcast, he exhibited a shaky grasp of Ukrainian geography but a near-total mastery of Russian talking points. Struggling to list the four Ukrainian regions demanded by Russia as part of any peace settlement—Zaporizhzhia, Kherson, Donetsk and Luhansk—Witkoff could only emit, "these so-called four regions, Donbas, Crimea." Carlson helpfully pitched in with Luhansk, using the Russian pronunciation—which, naturally, Tucker prefers—“Lugansk.” Witkoff dutifully repeated after him, before adding, confusingly, “and there’s two others.”

So Witkoff's main qualifications for office are that he lets Trump cheat at golf, and he's a billionaire.

Another description for Witkoff...

🇷🇺The Russia Colluder's Colluder ☭

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON—In a move that many said was long overdue, on Wednesday God formally notified House Speaker Mike Johnson that he was going to Hell. In a rare public statement, the Almighty said that Johnson’s support of Donald Trump’s war in Iran was the “last straw” that sealed the Speaker’s eternal damnation. “What do you do with someone who claims to be a Christian and supports killing civilians?” God asked. “You send his ass to Hell, that’s what.” Accosted by reporters in a Capitol corridor, Johnson said he was “disappointed” by the Heavenly Father’s decision, but added, “I serve a higher power: Donald Trump.”

[myrandomstuffpage]

We know.

Yes, it’s satire…but is it really?