it's heavy and kinda personal but maybe relatable you never know
y'all i literally near about had an anxiety attack over the possibility of me getting a C as an overall grade in one of the stupidest classes i've ever taken in my fricking life
like sweet stars above can i just stop putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect???
like geez louise i try so hard and yet i don't do one thing and then one thing leads to another and im sitting on a bed feeling like i'm going insane because a grade is just a fricking number and a letter doesn't mean anything but i've so deeply internalized the idea that i am the sum total of my achievements and i need to be worthy of stuff and i need to do things perfectly and the best every single time that when i actually screw up i allow myself no mercy and no gentleness and i'm just straight up like
wow.
you could have done this months ago.
you could have turned the assignment in on time
you could have been so much better than this, you are better than this, what are you doing, you did so well back when you were in highschool and you had no friends and nothing to occupy yourself with, you got everything done and you still had time to develop an anxiety issue, what's holding you back now
like idk what i'm doing here i guess i just don't want to shout into a void because voids are only echoes
but
i've been perfect my whole life
like not even a perfect little christian girl, cause God knows I've got so many sins and flaws.
not a perfect daughter, i've let my parents down a million times
but i was at least a good student
not a pleasure to have in class but a joy to have in class
and like, i used to be so proud of myself and now i sit here all day and i stare at a screen that i type words into and i want to drop out of college and i want to go live in the woods and bake bread and get a job that doesn't involve me staring numbly into a computer screen all day but that's what my life is now, that's what it's always going to be, and it's insane
like, you get to college, and you sit there like i made it
and then classes start and you put your all into it but it's too easy because you went to a heavy-duty school that took no shit and gave no crap and now you're sitting here, surrounded by crap, doing busywork, writing pages about a book you didn't want to read, about videos you didn't want to watch, and you just think
my stars
wasn't this supposed to be my end goal? wasn't this something exciting?
and im like
well, i don't know, was it?
and all i can think of is how much i don't want to take tests and do quizzes and i don't even want to read poetry anymore for my class because even poetry cannot offer me reprieve from my own anxious, upset thoughts.
like, gah.
and then like, part of me wants to just abandon everything and go to a trade school and become an electrician because they make money but my stars i love books and i love reading i just
i just can't
words?
thoughts?
honestly the thought of me getting a C in a stupid class that doesn't mean anything probably messed with my head enough to trigger something and now i just want to cry in a lump on the floor
GUYS GUYS GUYS I NEED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT RIGHT NOW…
an OLD hookup (probably been a year and a half now) HIT ME UP WITH THIS SUPER long message basically explaining I was his “right person wrong time” , and that it will “haunt him” and the only reason nothing came of us was because he was strictly not looking for a relationship at the time, he KNOWS I’m happily in a relationship rn but I did have serious feelings for him before! I’ve always wished him well basically - he even admits in text it’s selfish to send this to me but I feel so confused and jajdkflflla WHAT THE FUCO
so i’ve been concerned lately if i have aspergers or autism because i was reading about how it manifests in females so i just took a diagnostic quiz and got a score of 33
any score between 32-50 means a high likelihood of being on the spectrum...
i think i’m gonna ask my doctor about getting a professional diagnosis
Friendly reminder Dark & The Rain don't get the attention it deserves. Other than @NetflixDE & @NetflixNordic promoting their shows when the big ones sleep on it. Y'all just mad germany & denmark did it better with handling their plot & characters invidivually as collectively.Like I'm not even joking, talk about casa de papel or elite (though they shit quite on s2) and you've got a banger but too because those shows got the hell promoted out of them.It seems so coincidental for the big ones but mostly US to ignore non-american shows especially non-english. Since Europe has a lot Netflix Original Series I think it's odd to ditch most of those but promote & renew some shitty American Originals
