#personal 00

[subcultureblues]

i went back to my childhood home the other day and tripped acid and it was honestly a very healing experience. i never let myself grieve my father when i was young so i feel like in a lot of ways I’m having to make up for that now. but it feels more like celebration. my dad was a beautiful man fuck he gave me the world before i was old enough to appreciate it. I listened to the song maggotbrain which is just a 10 minute guitar solo, the guy who played it recorded it on acid in one take and basically the first 5 minutes of the song he was told to play like he had just found out his mother was dead and i didn’t even notice at the time that I was literally weeping. that’s how much sorrow he poured into the guitar. and then half way through the song he was told to play like he just found out his mother was alive and you can hear the wonder and the pure pure joy and it filled me like nothing ive ever felt before. my dads not coming back but i won’t forget him. he was one of the most beautiful things this world has ever come up with and fuck if im not going to make him proud. i want him to be alive in me I want to keep the flame burning

[subcultureblues]

I'm depressed which has got me thinking about canceling my plans for tonight... it's a slippery fucking slope because that used to be what I did every time I was even a little sad and ended up never leaving the house until I realized that being around people is literally the ONLY thing that stabilizes my mood. But even then I promised a bunch of people I would trip tonight and I'm just.. not feeling it. like if I took a bunch of drugs right now I'd just be bummed and fried for 12 hours straight

[marchosius]

also i wanted to make coffee earlier and none of the cups were clean, so i asked mom to wash me one, and her response was basically “wash one urself” 

and i get it’s a reasonable request, i get it. believe me. more than anything, it irritates me to no end bc my trauma keeps me from actually doing stuff i should be doing as an adult

but she seems to have forgotten the fact that i was constantly staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning at 8 years old, starving, doing the dishes bc her physically abusive boyfriend seemed to have mistaken “chores” for “exhaustive manual labor or i won’t feed you”, as she made absolutely no attempts to control him or keep him from working us to the bone. i was always sticking my hands in dirty dishwater and getting covered with food scum, cutting my fingers on knives when i wasn’t careful enough. i got drunkenly screamed at or smacked around every time the dishes weren’t clean enough to match his standards. we were fed online-bought hot sauce by him and his drinking buddies one night bc we forgot to do dishes, and they almost had to take my five-year-old brother (now 15) to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe

so i know i should be over it, i know. i know i should be able to handle it by now. i think it’s silly my brain draws an allegory from a simple “do the dishes, then” to shit that happened 10 years ago, but every time i touch something that reminds me of what happened back then, it’s like putting my hand on the burner of a stove

it’s not just that, either. a lot of things happened in that house and anything that reminds me of what i had to do or go through instinctively makes me draw away, makes me feel afraid

and i’m just a little frustrated, i guess

i can’t really seem to sever the things that keep torturing me

[marchosius]

my only irl “friends” are getting together to have fun at someone else’s house and i can’t go, not only because i’m a stuttering fidgeting nervous wreck with no verbal filter, but because they never thought to invite me in the first place

i feel like absolute shit and it’s mostly my fault? i just want to be normal, not this fucking trainwreck of a pathetic loser that sits in the corner and soaks up all the collective mockery/pity from everyone around me, that lashes out for no reason because i can’t feel anything other than bitterness and aggression. i’ve been nothing more than a weird laughingstock to the people who know me for four fucking years, almost five

my depression has been seriously backsliding into something really bad, and i can’t pull myself out of this grave i’ve dug, nor am i even trying because even just getting out of bed is a struggle. i sleep more than i stay awake. i don’t enjoy anything anymore, i just blast music and disassociate until my eyes are bloodshot from lack of even blinking. my little brother plays games with me because he’s worried but even then i get irritated and snap at him because his energy gets on my nerves. i get angry at the slightest provocation and become this vicious thing, striking exactly where it hurts because how else am i supposed to let out how i feel?? my impulses rule me and i feel like i don’t have any control over myself 

i don’t know what the ultimatum to this is going to be, since i’m too much of a coward to die. i just know that this isolation is rock bottom and living like this is really, really painful, and i feel like i can’t tell anyone because it’ll be used against me

and the worst part is, i cemented myself in this. i vilified myself because rather than deal with the bullying i received in middle school, i went off the deep end and made public threats. i got myself expelled. it was in the newspaper. i can’t fucking go outside or talk to anyone, i’m terrified of meeting anyone i used to know because i’m either a psycho to them or i’m a nose-picking idiot who slept all the time and drew in class, or god forbid, i’m both-- i’m terrified and i want out of this, i just want to start over somewhere new, but i’m going to be stuck in this run-down dirty house for the rest of my life

i don’t kjnow what to do anymore

[marchosius]

when i ask people on the internet what i should put in certain “unhealthy” food options (i.e. canned chili) to make it taste better, i *really* don't need to hear responses to the likes of "_____ is disgusting, don't eat it at all, lol".

i know it's disgusting. so does everyone else. the whole point in asking is to find a way to make it taste less gross, because believe me, i wouldn't be eating it unless i had no other choice. you don't need to make it obvious that you've never had to eat something bad to keep from going hungry.

[subcultureblues]

right anyways i went to clubbing the other night and if another man ever touches me again throughout the course of the rest of my entire life i , unfourtunatly, have no other options besides killing him where he stands :/

[marchosius]

my skin is still crawling

i feel j ust ? so so skeeved out from earlier still, and i get skeeved out every time the subject comes around- people argue abt stuff like this when it comes to writing and that’s whatever, i have no right to pontify on authorly business

 but for me personally it has an ENORMOUS bearing on my life and the shit i went through as a kid. the shit i am still having problems with, 12 years later, which has completely screwed me up mentally and emotionally and has interfered with even my ability to form basic consistent personal relationships

you don’t fucking sexualize kids. it doesn’t matter if you slap a superficial label that goes “they’re 18+ here” bc you know, that can just as easily be you covering your ass and trying to avoid the responsibility of the shitty thing you’re doing. if they still look like a kid, if you ESTABLISH that they are a kid, they’re a fucking kid. dont try to dodge rightful repercussions by using that cheap cop-out. you do not force your fetishes on an underage character. 

and we pulled the receipts, there is pages and pages of this shit on his blog ? there is more than ample proof. i am not pulling this out of my ass. i don’t follow him (i can’t remember if i ever have) and the only reason i haven’t seen any of this before now is bc it came up in conversation. one thing led to another & we unintentionally uncovered the fckin Goldmine of Pedo Garbage

i mean i should’ve seen this coming from a grown-ass MAN obsessed with little girls/childhood/”purity”, but i’m just? i regret that i didn’t cut him off sooner

i’ve had so many kid muses (or ones that looked like kids) from anime n shit like that, and it sickens me to think that i let him be around those blogs at all

[marchosius]

whenever i do something and feel proud about it it feels like?? it’s bigger than it actually is, bc i devalue myself and my achievements so much that doing something right for once feels so unusual it’s monumentous

which makes it rly disappointing when it goes unnoticed