#personal 2k13

[autopsyturvey]

i really HATE honest people with no tact. i really mean HATE. i cannot stand them. i see one opening their mouth and i instantly feel like pushing them off a cliff.

like im a generally honest person but i understand when it's appropriate to act on it and when it's best to just hold my tongue because it isn't the time nor the place.

tangina. someone tell these people to get their act together and to think before they speak. what's even worse is when they hide it behind excuses like 'this is just who i am, im being assertive.' gago ka ba, that is NOT being assertive. assertiveness is using that strong personality to defend yourself and other people from unfair actions because you know you deserve better; it's going after what you want in spite of all kinds of obstacles. being an asshole does not equal assertiveness, it just makes you a giant bag of DIIIIIIIIIIIICKS.

[autopsyturvey]

i have been writing this poem for like a month and it's still so messy lord patawad.

[autopsyturvey]

dont be a perfectionist, it will destroy you.

[autopsyturvey]

i had a nightmare last night and i fell asleep around this time. So I really don't wanna go to sleep yet. im tired. kinda lame.

[autopsyturvey]

ugh alright so like admittedly around two or three years ago there was this collective mindset in a lot of people i knew that being heartbroken was the 'thing' to be. for some reason. i dont know how it happened or what triggered it but suddenly everything felt like it was about being heartbroken, every lame blog post, every dumb letter you never send, every night you spend crying alone in bed being like 'SHE NEVER LOVED MEEEEEE' and everyone was super game for it like everyone be all ' if you're crying over somebody right now gather round and let's talk about how beaten and bruised we are by love together' and wow. Wowww.

so now im trying to avoid that way of thinking again, that every time i like someone my life has to revolve mainly around that one person. because it's kind of lame and gross. but recent events kind of makes me miss liking someone??? and it's weird because it used to be pretty easy, like 'oh hey this girl is giving me way more attention than im used to, i think i really like her oh god.' and i can still recognize the feeling and i get it around certain people but i dont feed it or acknowledge it as anything important anymore? like if i think you're the bees knees then good for you, i'll be nicer to you than i am with most people, but otherwise it's like. i dunno man. this is the stuff i used to spend all my evenings writing about. and it was sad and dumb but it made me feel like i had some kind of purpose. like what happened to that.

im trying to write a love poem for this thing and idk i mean i wasn't like the greatest writer ever back then but at least i could get started because there was always someone at the back of my mind to write about. now it's like i dont know who to write about, i dont know what to write about in terms of how i felt, how it all played out, whatever. its frustrating.

i mean its hella stupid but i dunno i just miss liking people sometimes. it made me feel like i had something to look forward to, even though it was plame and also disgustingly sad and pointless.

[autopsyturvey]

im really sad that i lapsed back into the habit of locking myself in my room and spending the whole day crying and trying not to throw up or panic or whatever when i couldve at least been productive with app tasks or schoolwork or. something. instead i just gave myself a massive headache that wont go away and a lot of shoulder/chest pain and nausea. and nasal congestion. ugh ew.

im a weak person for caring about any of this and i dont know what went wrong, there was just this sudden rush of emotion and suddenly im thinking of too much too fast. when i step back and look at the bigger picture i dont think anyone really sees me and right off the bat thinks 'oh what a disgusting creature with horrible taste in clothes and disproportionate limbs and terrible hair.' but sometimes i forget that and i dunno i just always feel like im being scrutinized because ive never looked 'right.' i dont think ive ever been more terrified of going out in public than today and that makes me so sad because i love going out. i hope it never happens again.

i feel tense and agitated and all over the place, i tried going to sleep and calling people up but it didnt really work. i feel like one big problem. im trying to make that feeling go away but i dunno.

[autopsyturvey]

FUCK YOU THIS WAS GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY I FELT GOOD ABOUT MYSELF WHICH HASNT HAPPENED IN A REALLY LONG TIME BUT SOMEONE ALWAYS MANAGES TO BRING IT BACK TO ME BEING THE UGLIEST CREATURE ON THE PLANET AND NOW EVERYONE'S KNOCKING ON MY DOOR TELLING ME TO COME OUT PLEASE WAS IT SOMETHING WE SAID?? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IF YOU THINK ITS PERFECTLY ALRIGHT TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY CAN AND CANT WEAR OR HOW THIN OR HOW FAT THEY SHOULD BE THEN YOU ARE MESSED UP IN THE HEAD AND I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU BECAUSE IVE WORKED TOO HARD TO FINALLY FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF DONT TOUCH ME DONT EVEN LOOK AT ME I WANT TO GET OFF THIS PLANET RIGHT NOW.

[autopsyturvey]

WOW OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT IF YOURE GONNA SPEND THE WHOLE DAY MAKING FUN OF HOW I LOOK AND THEN GET MAD AT ME WHEN I DONT WANT TO LEAVE MY ROOM YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD BECAUSE YOU PRETTY MUCH GET THE SAME RESULT.