#personal bleh

[wickedwonderlandd]

Liking someone and not being liked back is

Exhausting

[sadghostblogs]

I really miss uni, and like, they’re discussing classes being online next semester, which sucks bc I’m an ART student. I need a workshop. I need specialist tools that cost hundreds, if not thousands. I need (and I can’t believe as an introvert I’m saying this) social interaction. I need to bounce ideas off people and discuss things. I need the routine. The people. The wonderful art students wondering around in their wonderful outfits and with their wonderful art. The canteena and the permanent “golden oldies” music and chips, cheese and curry sauce or macaroni Monday’s. the union, and the prem. the societies. The walk to and from uni, past the church and the school and the life sciences. Or Perth road, with its colourful bins and colourful shops.

I generally miss my second home. My flat. My flatmate and our movie nights, food shops and cleaning the flat together. My friends, oh gosh how I miss my friends. Uni friends, friends who have graduated, friends from work. Work I miss too, although it’s stressful and busy.

I just wanna go home. To my flat. With my flatmate, and our movie nights. My classmates and our mutual dislike to areas of our course. The workshop, oh god the workshop. The smell, the sounds. The radio always playing oldies music. Our tech and her lovely glasses and style, our tutors fluttering from second years to forth years.

I miss it all.

[north-shore-witch]

I’m moving to an island and I’m not telling anybody else where it is.

Except for @imaginarywitchcraft but only because I’m taking her with me.

[maximumcatfeels]

Not feeling 100% (physically or mentally) and my guilty pleasure is fluffy sickfics.

So I’m daydreaming of Moira getting a minor cold and snuggling with her animals in bed while sleeping off the cough decongestant she had to take just so she could breathe.

My brain is weird.

[sleepymossball]

I hate it when I tell people I finish a book and people ask how long it was and how long I spent reading it and when it’s like 300 pages and I say a couple weeks to a month they’re like I could read that in an afternoon

Like okay Karen sorry my reading comprehension sucks and I can’t read at turbo speed. Like just because you read fast doesn’t mean we all do,,, very frustrating.

[kai-ni]

I’m gonna ramble about life things.

So money has been super tight lately b/c I’m almost out of savings and I will no longer be able to afford to live here in about two months. I have two months of rent left and after that the math just doesn’t work - I make about 650 a month working part time at the pet store and my rent is 575, my bills are about 210, and then there’s food and gas and tp and all that that ends up being abt 200 or 100 if I squeeze by.

So like. obviously I. can’t live on what I’m making part-time at this stupid corporate pet store that is currently running itself into the ground (corporate has cut our hours, cut the managers down from full time to part time, basically is screwing everybody over slowly and everyone is leaving, big shocker).

Sooo. I need a full time job. I poked at the math and even making what I’m making an hour now (which is 8 something, squat in other words) I could make about 1000 a month and squeak by. If I found a full time job that made MORE an hour, say 9 or 10 bucks even, I could be p ok.

Hard part is finding a full time job.

My dad is so... weirdly optimistic, he keeps going on about how I have ALL THE OPTIONS IN THE WORLD and how I have 95% of a college degree and deserve more than working retail, I should go into graphic design, etc etc and I just

Don’t even know where to start? Where do I look? it sill has to be in this stupid little town because I have another year of school after failing my major review, and that’s... really quite limiting tbh this place sucks. I don’t even know where to look. I just need -A- full time job no matter what it is, anything but goddamn retail. 

I just. I dunno where to start.

[poppyseedfox]

SAW DSOD YESTERDAY AND I STILL CAN’T HANDLE WHAT I WATCHED AND IT’S BEEN OVER 24 HOURS HELP ME

[viridiandruid]

So I wanted to wait until after Pride to send this post, because I didn't want to bring down the feeling of celebration and solidarity that comes with June. This post is gonna have a lot of personal baggage and bleh in it that I'm sure no one wants to hear or read, but it'll be under the cut if you really feel up to it.

We all make jokes about July being Gay Wrath month. But I'd like to propose a case for making it Gay Envy. There are things I want that I'll never have, and I've gotta be okay with that. Sometimes that's just how it is.

Obviously, envy is far from something with positive connotations. But I think there are those of us out there who are a bit envious of the others in the queer community who seem to have gotten a least a little luck in some department or another. And that's what envy is, "a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck" according to Oxford Languages.

And I think it's healthy for us to acknowledge some of the concrete things that we wish had gone better in our lives.

I'm jealous of the queer folks who had supportive parents, the kind that go to pride with them and are so overwhelmed with love for queer people that they offer free hugs and surrogate status as a mother or father to those who don't have them. I wish my parents had been that type, instead of the kind that I will never come out to because I know they already hate gay and trans people on principle and part of me still feels a longing to be accepted home.

I'm envious of the queer kids I know who have loving and accepting family members that are religious, even those in Christian families. I hop onto Facebook every odd week and see Christian adults who grew up in the church praising, being thankful, and unconditionally accepting their queer child. Going to far as helping them make Coming Out announcements, buying them pride flags and helping them navigate life just like any other teenager should.

I'm jealous of the ones who got to date in middle and high school and act like every other teenager, going to school dances and even prom with someone they actually liked. I'm jealous of the ones who felt they didn't need it.

I'm envious of the queer folks who were born in the conventionally attractive category. Those who get by with abs, or a beard, or a good figure, or fall neatly into a category that receives praise instead of stuck in between a bunch of categories and thus qualifies for none of them.

I'm jealous of the queer folks who fall solidly outside of them, who easily define themselves as not having those traits. Those who are fat and unashamed, who are smooth and effeminate. Those who find their own community by the layer of otherness that comes with not being "Exactly Like" their accepted gender identity.

I'm envious of the men who are simply masculine, both cis and trans. Those who have deep voices that instantly identify them, who grow beards, and muscles, and chest hair, and broad shoulders. I wish I had some of those things, that I didn't get called "ma'am" when taking orders over a McDonald's intercom or asked if I'm trans by every passerby who has decided I "don't pass enough"

I'm jealous of the men who are certainly not. Who embrace their feminine sides and have smoothness and joy in distancing themselves from masculinity. Those who can engage in drag and not be held back by their bodies.

I'm envious of those gay and bi men who can pass as straight by virtue of their masculinity, who have the option to keep the secret if they want to, instead of being me who gets outed just by the way I talk or stand or hold myself while thinking. I enjoy the "as if you didn't know" jokes when Pride rolls around, but I wish it was a joke I didn't need.

Perhaps a lot of these are internalized homophobia that I need to work through. Or perhaps a strain of learned transphobia that I haven't quite shaken off yet. Some of them are definitely tied to my own body issues and aren't the fault of any of the categories mentioned or otherwise. They are my issues and mine alone. They need work, I'm far from perfect. But at least I can say them out loud to myself and acknowledge that I don't need to be perfect to be me.

And I guess this is a letter to the others out there too. Those of you who are envious. Who talk about body positivity and self-love but still struggle to love and accept yourselves. I see you. You're not alone. Because I'm still going through the same fight.

I keep telling myself that "after I move out I'll change something" or "after I graduate college and become more financially independent" or even "maybe I'll get to it by the time my siblings graduate and move on". I keep moving my goals posts, which is definitely a problem. There are people I've never fully admitted to about being gay, there are others who just know by the way I act, and some who saw the signs but decided that didn't change how I should be seen as a person (and I treasure them the most).

I hope everyone had a happy Pride. And I hope that if you chose to accept my pitch for Gay Envy, we have a growing experience seeing each other struggle and knowing we're not in it alone.