I watched KinnPorsche and now I feel like a miserable, miserable, horrible shit
No, please don’t get me wrong. This is not at all a hate post because I have nothing but respect and praise toward the series. Everything is amazing, the cinematography, the acting, the setting, the plot and premise, the dialogue, the actors are super lovable, the chemistry, the soundtracks, the pacing, the romance, actions, comedy, even the figurants were all great. It’s fun, dark, super easy to love, and all. My heart, eyes, ears, and brain are all well fed and satisfied but yet after I woke up from watching eps 6 last night I felt like shit, super horrible, miserable, lonely, and I ended up crying my whole heart out for half an hour. My heart hurts, my chest tight, this is my first time crying horribly after quite sometimes (I remember exactly when the last time I cried like this, and it had connection on why I cried this time, I’ll explain this later)
So I’m writing this post in my attempt to detangle this messy feeling and hopefully I won’t feel as horrible after. I’ll write some alternative for things I probably could do.
First, about the series & it’s connection to my own work.
I’m a BL novel writer too. From Indonesia. Now, that’s important. Indonesia and Thailand might be neighboring SEA country, but we have totally different circumstances about sexuality and gender. I couldn’t go into detail on the situation there, but I assume it’s so much freer than here in Indonesia where the majority of people are Muslims, homophobia run rampant, and we might have to face even worse future if an evil and stupid law were going to be passed on July. The situation is not good, for short.
Now, the thing that made me interested in KinnPorsche from its trailer last year was because Kinn & Porsche feels similar to the two main character of my BL novel, Aga and Wara, and when I did watch the series, they are like, 70-80% similar indeed.
Needless to say, I was super salty. I can’t describe my jealousy. This isn’t about me thinking ‘oh my work is better than this and its mine that should be made into series’, oh no. Even though the characters are similar, they are still different, with different premise and plot, and the setting of my novel is uniquely Indonesia. It’s jealousy because I know it’s nigh impossible for my novel to be made series with all of it’s uniqueness. It’s jealousy because where could I find actors, directors, and people in my country working together in a passionate and excited project about a gay series. It’s jealousy because even if it could be happening, there’s no way there would be a big, nationwide tour, promo, and advertising. It’s jealousy because no matter how good my BL novel is, it could never be a national bestseller.
It’s one thing to have another novel be made into a series/movie because they’re relatively better or more popular than yours. If its like that, you could maybe just pour it into writing something else, something better than that, then no matter how small the chance is, there’s still a chance for you to pry into it. But if the whole system, the whole nation, made it impossible, then...I remember once ID had this small LGBT web series, nothing well known, super fucking niche and obscure, and it already incurred wrath from majorities and it was cancelled asap for everyone’s and community’s safety. There’s a huge backlash too toward a culture heavy movie about a feminine male traditional dancer. It was scary. It was sad. It was bad and in the end we have to put everyone’s safety and survival above all.
Please note that I don’t really want literary award or anything like that. Aside from enriching queer literature in my country, I want my work, my characters to be loved by a lot of people, to have their own fandom. I simply want them to be known and loved. Lookie here I’m crying again.
I know Mile had big role for making KinnPorsche happened and be successfull. Apo, Bible, and the others had love for their role. Kinn and Porsche (and of course, Mile and Apo) had me fell in love at first sight because of course, now I think of them as my own child. I cant help but projecting my own love for my own character for them because my own child might never had their own face, but knowing they are, of course, not mine, made me super miserable.
The last time I was ugly crying like this was actually about my parents not wearing double mask at the height of covid but it was unrelated www, ah, but the second last time I was ugly crying. It was few years ago, couldn’t remember what year but it was definitely before the last novel released. Me & my beloved co-author began to write our novel at 2012, the first one came out on 2015, the second one on 2017, and the last one on the last quarter of 2020, long, long before I know about KinnPorsche. I was imagining about one of ending scene, where Aga and Wara danced slowly with one of Vienna Teng’s song, Eric’s Song, how loving and soft and intimate they are after going through so many things, against all odds, finally being a lover. It felt so vivid and tender I couldn’t help but crying, thinking how much I love them, how much I love their love, how much I want other people to know about them and love them, and how much I want to make my novel to be known and well loved.
Dear, KinnPorsche writer, you are so damn lucky. I tipped my hat for you for writing them, but please know that I am super fucking jealous at you.
But even though I’m jealous at KP’s writer, I’m in no way angry toward them. My seething anger is, of course, toward my own homophobic nation, the religious fanatics and money-power hungry politicians and capitalists that made them that way, and of course, colonialism. I hate them to the core of my body. This mix of anger, hatred, and jealousy made me miserable, part 1.
I private messaged Mile and Apo on Instagram yesterday, knowing there’s only small possibilities of them reading my message, but I let them know how thankful I am for making this show happened, and how their role resembles my characters. I felt a bit better afterwards.
Secondly, regarding my own feeling about my body, my sexuality, my inclination, and my situation.
I am currently thinking of myself as a non-binary in aroace spectrum. I used to date men quite a lot, met some I thought I loved and comfortable to be with, but in the end I thought it was all because I was lonely, desperate for companion, and validation. I don’t date anymore since maybe 10 years ago, but I have a very dear bestfriend slash co author, which I could already understand the life pattern, and we have good compatibility. We chat everyday, and my relationship with my family is kind of better than before. I think to myself that I don’t have another friend I could talk to this close, and I don’t feel any problems with that. I’m bad at keeping connections and communications, and this is one of my major problems. I don’t have any network at all.
But daaamn, today I personally feel so fucking lonely and sad????
Of course, I still chat with my bf like usual, but this feeling is unusual, truly. So of course, it was because of the KinnPorsche I watched yesterday lol
So, now. What made me sad and lonely?
Is it because I want a loving romantic partner? Is it because I want a loving romantic and sexual partner? Is it because I specifically want a loving man for myself? Is it because I want to be one and love another man like them? Is it because I want to be able to feel the love like they do but I can’t? Is it because actually I can but is afraid of the feeling itself? Is it because I love them so much already but they are fictional? Is it because their story was so exciting, so equal, so freefall, and it’s impossible to get that kind of love in my own normal, boring life? Is it because I’m not able to love like that? OR IS IT BECAUSE I ALREADY FEEL TOO MUCH LOVE INSTEAD AAAAHHHHHH IM GOING CRAZY SRSLY FUCK THIS FEELING SHIT
OK let’s answer these question one by one.
Do I want a loving romantic partner? If someone love me romantically, and attracted to me sexually, I might accept it, but would my feeling resonate? The most important thing here is my feeling, right? Would I cry because I love them so much, or because I love our love that much? So I do want one. I do want one that’s so compatible to me, the right one for me. It doesn’t matter how unrealistic that is, I still do want one. I don’t have any problem doing sexual stuff with people, as long as I care about and comfortable around them enough. I do love to kiss and hug, though. I love skin to skin contact.
Is it because I specifically want a loving man for myself? A man. A man, huh. Well that’s no problem as long as they’re compatible. I do like men’s body even though I don’t wish to have sex with them.
Is it because I want to be one and love another man like them? Well, I do realize the kind of love I want might be difficult if its not same gender and, uh, maybeee not between men love but, I never consider myself a man or transman, so not this either.
Is it because I want to be able to feel the love like they do but I can’t? Yes.
YES YES IM IN SO MUCH LOVE WITH THE LOVE ITSELF. WITH THE KIND OF LOVE THAT’S UNEXPECTED, EQUAL, FUN, COMPLETE WITH EXCITING CIRCUMSTANCES AND ROMANTICALLY PLUS SEXUALLY LONGING FOR EACH OTHER BUT ITS PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME IN THIS HETERONORMATIVE SOCIETY, MY BORING LIFE, WITH MY SEXUALITY???
Am I scared of taking chances, taking free fall to love someone romantically and sexually? Like, please, I literally have someone who matched in a lot of things and I do love her platonically, but there are no romantic and sexual attraction either. The man I thought I love and comfortable with, well, they’re just comfy to begin with? My companion standard is too high now me think, like I wouldn’t want to be with someone I can’t talk about BL about, but how can I find someone, or specifically, a man, a Catholic man, like that, if I want to marry?
I just realized when I see another ppl’s twt on KinnPorsche’s romance scene and they say, “gdi KP dont have to rub it in my face that Im single, I want a gf/bf hhh’ and I never once think like that. What I want is not specifically having someone as gf/bf even though the relationship might be similar to KP.
I do want to spend the rest of my life with someone I love, but more in a sense of companion, peaceful life. But I also want that exciting and thrilling feeling?
And so I could only feeling that love, loving that love too much, too much I couldn’t bear it anymore.
Am I scared of feeling the feel? I think I do. Feelings are scary. This much love, anger, sadness, loneliness is scary. It hurts to feel stuff. It hurts to bottle feel. It hurts to feel the feel.
I realized I didn’t consume a lot of media starting years ago, especially the media that could possibly making me feel feels. I don’t read books, watch movies or series, I only read comics that could pass easily, play games, or even when I watch series, I stopped watching when the problems escalate. I don’t communicate with people again because it could be too overwhelming. Feelings are overwhelming. It’s scary, I don’t know what would, or should I do when it overwhelms, I might do something I shouldn’t. I don’t know where to channel or to cope it. It’s miserable. I can’t operate normally but can’t just lying around either because that would make me even more miserable.
I already, already feel too much love, for my own novel character, for Kinn and Porsche, for their kind of love that I love and I’m fucking miserable because of it because I want it for myself but it’s also impossible to feel the same kind of exciting, thrilling, romantic, sexual love like that. Please help me so I dont feel too much love. Its scary.
So the things I propose to get rid of this horrible feelings, especially when KinnPorsche will end 3 weeks again and I know I would be reduced to a mess when it is, are
1. Write more bl
2. Write more bl in english
3. Move to thailand, learn thai, and write more bl in thai
4. Force self to consume media and get used to feeling feel
5. Cry as much as possible until eyes swelling, face puffy, tears dry, and cant anymore
6. Maybe annihilate this Wakanduh’s country government centers, wish them to perish soon, or uncurable diarrhea
7. Rework my novel and pitch it to Gramedia for major publishing
8. Or pitch it to Joko Anwar
9. Or Mile Phakphum
10. Doing something useful for distraction
11. Make money by whatever
12. Learning something to make money, internet marketing or programming or sumn
13. Make money
14. Save money so I can somehow go to Thailand and hug Mile & Apo bcs I love them who play Kinn & Porsche
15. Meeting new person? Idk? Church route? *blerghhhhh Tinder? Bumble? As much as I dislike mass religion I don’t want to leave my own since they’re cultural legacy from my parents and a couple elements of it is my source of comfort. DEAR JESUS CAN YOU ENLIGHT ME IN THIS MATTER, THOUGH? PLEASE???