#personal msm

[wonderwomaninadress]

Night Thoughts.

The way that I lie awake at night

Merely solidifies my dreams and fears

Nothing influences my thought processes but myself

For who could ever deny themselves the indulge of the self

Contradictions melt away with each passing hour

While I’m left affirmed in my stupidity

[wonderwomaninadress]

Getting stressed & a tad depressed is not the proper attitude right now.

Nationals is in 7 days and despite the constant matter loading each day, I don't feel at all anymore prepared than before I started. I just say the hell with it and keep on printing and reading in some vain effort to make a difference for the lack of consistency. I should earn this position, not just have it and not be deserving of it. 7 Days to try to make a dent and increase my lack of competence.

The second installment of my thesis is due in 2 weeks. I have barely finished rectifying the first installment since I realized that I had to start over last week. I'll have about a week, after Nationals, to focus on the second installment to set up my research design. Somehow, I'll have to muster all the bulk of the research and conclusions 2 weeks after that and compile it into my final presentation. I don't know who I want to invite to my final presentation either. Maybe I just won't invite anyone to witness it if I don't feel proud of what I do.

This lack of conversation in this first week is definitely fraying my nerves & making me feel unsettled. I hate how things only affect me; everything is my own fault, that's true. I feel so bottled up and things are just begging to spill out of me even if there isn't anyone to listen anymore. It saddens me greatly, but only me. I'm troubled by nothing and shadowed by everything.  

[wonderwomaninadress]

Strength & Resiliency

There won't be a need to bounce back from anything if I don't fall this time. Not now or anymore. 

[wonderwomaninadress]

If there was a way to please everyone, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I don't think that I can keep the charade up for much longer. My growing up will continuously be at odds with the reckoning notion for safety.

I just wish I didn't have to worry you but that I could still do what I plan to do. It breaks my heart to worry you, it really does. I'm not some mindless college student trying to do whatever she wants with no regard for your cares and woes. It breaks me that I break you with these tiny, minute decisions that I make and I can't fathom how your heart would break had you been given a child that preferred to run rampant and not care about worrying you. I HATE worrying you, but I can't keep staying in here as as to not worry you.

These little cracks in the rhythm that we've had for years and years isn't the result of my dislike for you. It's merely the result of age and socializing. I don't attempt to go to everything so as to not worry you. I wish I didn't have to worry you. There's nothing to worry about, but I still know that you will. It's what mothers do.

I'm sorry.

[wonderwomaninadress]

I'm torn between her desire to hide and his desire to live.

I'm only sorry that I can't indulge both.

[wonderwomaninadress]

Oh, is this what disinterest feels like ?

[wonderwomaninadress]

I look back at my past and still can't help but shudder.

[wonderwomaninadress]

Wow.

I'm not quite sure where this conversation just went.

Were we really just philosophizing? And about ourselves? 

I thought I was the only one who does that.