i’m being frustrated behind the cut, pls feel free to skip
ugh, so. do you ever just hate the way that you do things and recognize they’re awful and yet find yourself incapable of doing better in the moment?
i have a thing (that i’m aware of and try to work on) where i can try to anticipate people’s needs and expect that people will anticipate mine. and it makes it harder for me to ask for help (which is already something i’m not that good at; i prefer to imagine myself as a self-sufficient power angel, doing benevolent works for everyone else AND myself, thank you very much.
i’m not that, especially sick.
so rationally, i should be asking very clearly for help whenever i need it and then letting anyone around me accept or reject that request.
instead i just swallow it down and don’t say anything, and i end up frustrated.
today i gave my dog a bath because she had fleas and my housemate came to me looking very concerned and was like, “what are we going to do about this?” which i took to mean “what are YOU going to do about this?” because they have a guest here from out of town so i doubt they would offer to bathe my dog. they keep offering to get my dog a flea collar, but i don’t want that? and i need to take my dog to the vet and get his recs for flea stuff that also offers heartworm protection but i can’t drive right now, especially not during the day time, so i keep waiting and.
it’s high summer and this is when fleas get bad. this is the first full summer we’ve had 2 dogs in the house and i think they weren’t prepared for it?
anyway they’re very stressed and so i gave my dog a bath. after which *I* needed a shower, and those two things combined left me completely zapped. i’ve been lying in bed for the past 2+ hours and don’t think i can get up. i’m sitting up to type this and hating every moment of it, like i just need to lie down ??
so. i don’t have spoons to make dinner and i don’t want to order food because it’s expensive and the last thing i ordered was gross and i regretted it but had to eat it anyway so. like. idk man, the later it gets the worse the options are and i should just do it, but instead i’ll wait and suffer?? it’s dumb. idk what decision to make.
and that’s really not that different from a lot of nights, like i get exhausted and it’s harder to function like a person. but then i went out to get my water bc i was very thorst and i couldn’t find it and they were like ‘oh we needed the table so we moved everything here,’ and pointed to the already crowded side table. and they’d just stacked everything on my plate with my banana peel from earlier there and i wanted to take it out because. that’s what you do? with food garbage? but they are really bad about that!! and all i could think was ‘if i don’t take this it will still be here along with whatever food trash they don’t clean up after eating’ so i went to pick it up but it was all stacked together and i physically couldn’t do it AND I HATE IT SO MUCH.
and the trash is overflowing full and i don’t think they’ll take it out and i sure as fuck can’t do it? and they throw food in and it smells and leaks and. ugh.
so i know that what i should do is in the moment ask if they can put my dishes in the sink. and ask if they can take out the trash tonight. but then i just feel like i’m nagging them and why don’t i do it myself? even though i can’t?
and in my head this is just...politeness. really basic shit. you’re cleaning off the table? you take everything to the sink. you fill up the trash? you take it out.
i’m having a house meeting with them to talk about my dad’s visit coming up in october and also to give them an update on my illness (basically = i’m really fucking sick, will not be working for another 6 months to a year possibly, and for right now i need them to be better about the trash etc) and i’m freaking out ? bc it’s hard to admit all that (internalized ableism says i’m a lazy faker who isn’t really sick and doesn’t deserve help! brain is extremely rude, 0/10, would like replacement immediately) BUT ALSO like maybe i’m asking too much?
idk
anyway it’s getting harder to type i gotta lay down again
i wish i could sleep for a fucking year straight and wake up cured, i’m so sick of this
