#personal vent cw

[transandrosis]

We're so scared right now. It seems like the really bad infection that gave us sepsis came back *for the fourth time this year*, making it increasingly likely that this kind of infection is gonna be the thing that kills us someday.

I mean, it's not even a bad infection right now. I& just feel worried that it'll keep coming back for the rest of my life (which is likely tbh).

There is nobody outside of our system we even feel comfortable venting about this to. Nobody else is dealing with their own mortality like this. It sucks and we hate it.

[puffinproof]

sitting in the bathroom trying not to cry / feel bad. its not even 2 hours into a 6 hour shift.

I got here and was deployed to line but we got slammed and no one was on fryers so I jumped on that since they didn't need me on line. next thing I know the person who was deployed to fryers is on line - he hasn't been trained on it, he just walked over and put himself on line - and now the rush is over they're still training him and I'm still doing fryers.

I've only been on line a handful of times in the almost 4 months I've worked here. they keep saying they'll train me and then it never happens. I don't know if I should be like, hey, when do I get more training on line ? because I feel like I'm awful at it and that's why I end up on frying / prep. I just want to get training ! I want to be able to do more than fryers / prep !

I need to go back now. deep breaths. gonna be okay. I've got this !!! accepting good vibes 😭

[cisplus]

Blah. Our therapist is so concerned with having my headmates be less present instead of helping us function when they are present.

I mean, it's definitely true that there were years where our mental health was great and where there was also one main fronter for those entire years.

Our therapist is getting the correlation and causation wrong, though -- we had one main fronter *because* things were going well in our life and not the other way around!

And anyway, it's possible to be a system and have multiple people fronting and to also be otherwise functioning and happy. I wish our therapist was more informed about that. 🙃

[transandrosis]

I've been cutting off my abusive mom and now it seems like I have to cut off *her entire side of the family*. They never liked me anyway (they're white and upper-middle class) but I have a cousin I get along with and I hate that I might not see her again now.

I've been getting these practically identical texts from family members saying they would love to take me out to eat sometime and help me clean my apartment. If you don't know my abusive mom, this probably sounds really kind of them! Y'all are going to have to trust me that I'm 100% confident my mom heavily pressured them into doing this because she thinks I'm helpless and wants them to report back to her about how I'm doing.

It's so frustrating. I definitely want to keep my dad in my life but whenever I call him, she's in the background telling him what to say. She's such a big stressor in my life even when I don't talk to her and it's not okay.

[transandrosis]

I was googling resources for setting boundaries with abusive parents because I need to start small before I go completely no-contact with my mom.

The very first article that popped up started talking about people with BPD and NPD, called us "difficult," and lumped us in with abusers.

People with personality disorders are so much more likely to have been abused than to have been an abuser. It's really not cool to have to see bigotry against people like me when I'm trying to find resources to get out of an abusive situation! Argh.

[puffinproof]

it has been a really trying week and I don't know if I have the spoons or energy to deal with anything going awry tonight / tomorrow. like I am emotionally and mentally burnt the fuck out, I cannot take another hit.

the thing is I know I'll just suck it up and deal with it and push through like I always do. because crashing out is embarrassing, even if I know it would feel amazing to do so. to finally take up space. ugh.

me: I finally feel okay financially the universe: cool, we're gonna cut your hours and make your shifts unbearable !

its like only one (1) thing is ever allowed to go right in my life at a time. I feel so fucking overwhelmed. its not fair.

[transandrosis]

I think I'm being stood up ON VALENTINE'S DAY. What the fuck.

[puffinproof]

I am exhausted from 2 closing shifts. wake up to news I will have to close with the worst closer on the worst closing day. go downstairs for food, see I have packages - brief excitement and happiness when I open them. then I immediately get attacked by a dog and now I'm upstairs again trying not to cry and I still haven't eaten or taken my meds, and I'm still stressing about my fucking closing shift on Friday + knowledge I have homework I need to finish before Wednesday. yay me