So for the last two weeks I've been really contemplating my writing goals for the year. Reevaluating what makes me happy and what is intrinsically motivating. Gonna ramble a bit under the read more. But the jist is I'll be taking a fanfiction hiatus.
After I finished Let the Light Linger - I sort of had a bit of a crisis and needed to have a come to Jesus moment.
I started writing fanfiction again in October of 2023 because I was really pulled into Elucien and missed writing. Needless to say, the last year and a half I went hard. Harder than I ever have before. I wrote almost 500k words of fanfic and it was all really fun and exhilarating.
About 6 months ago though, I think a shift happened.
My desire to write canon compliant Elucien has been waning. I've done a lot of it, and told their story multiple times. And what I've realized is that ultimately I'm a lot more motivated to write Eris and Alexius or explore little weird AUs for Elucien instead like I did with Carrion Flowers.
And what that made me realize is that I'm not really interested so much in writing fanfic anymore. But rather - I'm more interested in writing original fiction (or Amanda universe fic lol). I think I keep setting up these new ideas and new WIPs distracting me because I've been nervous about going in that direction.
The fact that I want to live in my own world more - with my own OCs or my own heavily altered versions of minor characters like Eris - is really evidence that what I'm doing is not really writing fanfic anymore. But instead trying to fit my own original ideas into the fanfic medium because it's where I'm comfortable.
I think the biggest evidence was toggling between Let the Light Linger and Shackled. Shackled is doing really well in terms of popularity. Which I'm very grateful for. But I kept finding myself wanting to rush through writing chapters so I can write Let the Light Linger instead - which comparatively speaking is not popular at all. It's on par for how my Erixius fics tend to do but the audience for Eris x Male OC is small. And part of me was becoming a little resentful because I wanted my Eris x OC stuff to be as loved because I know it's excellent work.
And then I realized - you dummy. Of course people want to read your Elucien fic more. That is what an ACOTAR fanbase wants. It's what we are all here for. To explore the possibilities of the canon characters we already like. Which is something I had always known and rationalized and made peace with. But suddenly my emotions weren't fitting what I already knew. And I think that was the final push I needed to know that I am ready to write original work now.
It's time to follow what really is driving me instead of what I assume is expected of me. So, for now, my fanfic Shackled will be on hiatus. I might update it now and again if I'm feeling particularly motivated, but I really want to focus more of my time working on an original book. And probably what I'll do is take a lot of the hard work creating OCs that I've done in my Erixius fics and adapt them to this new world. Alexius especially deserves to live in his own space now. And my Eris is really an amalgamation of other characters that I've loved before that are like him. So needless to say, who I create for Alexius is going to be very similar 😂. Alexius needs a grumpy guy to his sunshine.
I certainly won't be leaving the fandom because I need this ding dong Elucien book. And I'll still be reading fanfic and replying to anyone who does go and read my works and leaves comments. And you might get surprise chapter updates or oneshots from me if I'm feeling any of that motivation. But regular updates won't be happening anymore.
Thanks to @ficwip for the questions. Thought I’d have a go to see where I’ve got up to / maybe motivate myself out of a writing slump.
Didn’t quite manage to get it done by end of year but I never do finish anything by NYE and consequently as a mid-January birthday girl I often decide to have my new year start a little later in the month anyway so…
Herewith waffle mostly written while trying not to nod off on a plane…
1. How many fics have you worked on since January?
Complicated question… I THINK - 29 in total?
In terms of what I’ve actually POSTED here…
11 one-shots [ How to Infuriate Your Engineer , The Last of Them , Comb , Pressure , Push , Shine , Expert , Thread , Scott is Not Fine Catharsis , A Refrigeration Situation ] - 11,502 words total.
54 WIP Snippets which haven’t become finished chapters or one-shots yet covering 3 of the above and 8 other fics [ Blue (15) ; Estera (12) ; Burn it All (8) ; Snapshots (2) , Octopus House (4) ; Red (3) ; Fishtank-ed Up (3) ; In a Glass Darkly (1) ; Oort Cloud (3) ; Resurface (1) ; ?? (2) ] - 17,703 words total.
All that totals 101,468 tumblr-posted fic-words so I did hit my target of 100k although I didn’t actually FINISH as many stories as I intended to!
Then there is an additional 46,000 I have in draft for the Estera universe… some of which might make in into publishable form at some stage, some just for my own amusement 🤣 plus another 4,000 or so for other fics including the end of Resurface… and a couple of brand new ones which may or may not see the light of day…
So objectively I really did do a fair bit of writing this year and shall endeavour to allow myself to be proud of this!
2. What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year?
Err… Finishing one? 🤣
Did I though… um…
Ok scratch that.
I wrote a cheesy little song for one of them then threaded references to it through some chapters in a couple of fics. That was new. Whether successful? Well I like it but I can hear it in my head which probably makes it work better for me than anyone else. However I enjoyed myself so…
3. What piece of media inspired you the most? (This can be the fandom you wrote the most for, the one that spawned the most ideas, the one you thought about the most, etc.).
Well, my beloved Thunderbirds are Go, obviously! Hyperfixation much?
4. How many fandoms did you write for this year?
Just the one :)
5. What ships captured your heart?
Newly this year? I guess to interpret the word ‘captured’ literally to mean ‘possessed entirely against my will’ then I guess… Scott/Havoc (even though I still scream NOOOoOoOOoOOOOOO internally when I type that!). It’s not a natural fit for me as I do tend to favour some potential for a happy ending and it’s harder to see how it is possible with this ship but some fabulous fics have emerged on it. I do love a redemption arc though and I like how various people have developed Havoc’s character in their stories. But also still noooooooo my little guy deserves better-happier-uncomplicated. But also also yeeeeeesssssssss.
6. What characters captured your heart?
Weirdly, because I did not intend this at all and most of the time I want to slap him with a really large fish… I’ve written a fair bit of Jeff POV in the latter part of the year! Both pre-Lucy death and post-ZeroX. In between those times I still want to slap him with that fish.
7. Did you write for any new fandoms or ships this year?
A new ship, yes. And one that was completely unexpected and I don’t think anyone else has tried yet but I’m enjoying it. Not made a lot of progress yet so won’t say any more than that!
8. What fic meant the most to you to write?
Resurface I think. It covers a heck of a lot of headcanons and yeah… it turns out walloping Virgil is a fun way to prod at all of the bro relationships. And I have enjoyed the process of iteratively fixing Earth&Sky because (as I seem to have written it at least) their partnership is beautiful but kind of messed up and I have to believe they can get a better balance back. I hope the way I’ve done it works for people.
9. What fic made you feel the happiest to work on?
I think 75. It was really fun to look forward and imagine a good love-and-family-filled future for them all, especially my boy who didn’t think he’d get one.
10. What fic was the most satisfying to finish writing?
Well I was hoping to say Resurface but given I haven’t yet… hmmm. I might also have said Father’s Day until I randomly started to write more of it 😅 err… what have I actually finished? Let’s say 75 cos I actually finished that! (and pretend I don’t have an idea for a follow on)
11. What fic was the most difficult to write?
Estera. Which is a strange answer in some respects as I’ve compulsively written loads of it (as above!) but well… I’ve had a bit of a crisis of confidence and hit a silly, anxious wall about writing the actual chapter that comes next in the story and thus it has hung in limbo for months. My dearest co-writer is despairing of me perhaps only marginally less than I am despairing of myself!
12. What fic was the easiest to write?
The early parts of Resurface just rushed out as fast as I could type them… it got harder as I tried to heal them from the mess I made though 🙃 More recently the Oort Jeff stuff has been the topic for the most readily flowing words.
13. What were your shortest and longest fics posted this year?
Ignoring WIP posts, shortest would be “Scott is Not Fine” which is barely more than a Drabble at 202 words.
Longest? If it needs to be entirely within the year - Resurface (49,720 & counting) but I added a little to Estera which is longest overall (72,319 posted) but that word count is shared with some other wonderful writers and is mostly 2023.
14. What were your go-to writing songs
I have a few playlists for depending on what I’m writing :)
I do listen to the OST a lot when out and about but often not when actually writing as I guess each part of it is so strongly linked to what is happening in the episodes that it is distracting if I’m writing something different. Often I get ideas by listening to something totally random. I listen to a lot of classical and it may only be a few phrases that nudge something -any kind of soprano/tenor instructment interaction (e.g. cello/violin, trumpet/french horn, flute/bassoon) immediately conjures Earth&Sky for me. 99% of my writing is with music of some kind in the background (because I usually have an earbud in) although in retrospect I might not be able to tell what it was.
15. What was the hardest fic to title?
Resurface. Because I had another title in mind but it was already the title of one of my all-time favourite fics. But then this one came to mind and fitted perfectly!
16. What's your favorite title of the year
Haha, well I like what I’ve been doing with the chapter titles of Resurface. But “An Eyebrow-Razing Incident” is probably my favourite for the pun / spoiler combo.
17. Share your favorite opening line
Virgil’s forehead sank onto the bar and squelched slightly.
18. Share your favorite ending line
A brand new score had been opened. But Virgil knew the notes now. They’d compose this next version together.
19. Share your favorite piece of dialogue
This one because I worked on it for so long to get it right. It’s by no means the only important moment between Scott and Virgil… but is the first of a few steps to sorting things out:
“And I’m… grey, then?”
“No! Not usually! You’ve always been blue, like the sky… there are so many shades of it, with hints of yellow or gold…”
“There’s a but coming, I can feel it.”
Virgil grabbed Scott’s hand again as if to reassure himself his brother wouldn’t float away before he managed to express this.
“Sometimes it’s like you fade a little.”
“I fade?”
“You try to be a lot of things, Scotty and it’s admirable, it really is, and you do it so well but sometimes I worry there isn’t enough of you left to be you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. You’re blue when you laugh at your own jokes, or smotherhen us and make a leaning tower of pancake… when you beat Gordy at his own prank game or act all melodramatic when you’re smuggling in the sweets Grandma doesn’t approve of. When someone says pie and your eyes gleam and when you randomly recite Shakespeare inaccurately and out of context or run up the stairs for no reason and surprise hug Allie… those times you’re a rainbow of blues. In the field when you’re problem solving at the speed of light and oh! That time you flew Shadow just for fun you came back shining so brightly…”
Yet again at the mention of Shadow, Scott had startled but recovered quickly and deflected:
“My Shakespeare is always in context.”
“Sure it is, Scott. And it’s very YOU.”
A flicker of resolve hardened his brother’s expression and Virgil was suddenly terrified as to how his clumsy explanation could have been interpreted by someone who was already chronically shackled to the ‘brave face’ impulse…
“But Scott, listen to me, this is important.”
He waited until his brother dropped his eyes from the horizon and met his own.
“I’m not saying it’s just when you are happy, you know? When you’re worried or angry or even sick or even… no, especially when you let yourself be vulnerable for one damn second, you’re you then too.”
“Then…” Scott sagged a little and an edge of indigo desperation coloured his voice “I don’t understand what the grey thing is meant to mean!”
“The grey thing… I guess it’s how my brain interprets the way I sometimes miss you when you are right in front of me. When you get hidden by everything else you think you are supposed to be. You lead so naturally, you do it without even trying but sometimes… sometimes you put on that damn grey baldric and it smothers you.”
“But the baldric is silver. My baldric is silver to match One!”
“It used to be blue though. Blue to match you.”
20. Share your funniest line
Ooh. I don’t know if I do “lines” - most of my attempts at humour are situation or context-specific…
But I’ll go with this little section from toddler-Scotty because it still makes me chuckle:
“Dada! ‘Cotty duck in fidge. Oh no!”
The tiny child lifted his apple sauce covered hands and looked at them as if suddenly realising they were attached to his arms. Bright blue eyes gazed down at him with an expression of extreme innocence:
“Oh no! ‘Cotty all messy! Ooopsiiiieee!”
Clearly realising his father had no follow-up questions to his comprehensive situational update, Scott plunged his hand back into the dish and shoved a fistful of pie crust into his mouth.
21. What's something that surprised you while you were working on a fic? Did it change the story?
This is a tricky one because frankly everything I manage to create surprises me.
Resurface surprised me with its length. I am a sucker for detail and dialogue and combining that with the fact I had a lot to get the boys to work through… it shouldn’t have surprised me really. But it did.
22. What writing programs did you use? Did you write by hand?
By hand? Hahaha, I’d never know what I’d written!
I’m still playing the risky game and throwing things down in apple notes on iphone, although have been trying to tag them a bit now so I can actually find things. I tried google docs - it drove me crackers by messing with my punctuation although I tend to copy paste into that when I’m finished to get a word count. Tried a couple of online drafting tools but they felt over-complicated. So am still in market for a good app I guess.
23. If you had to choose one, what was THE most satisfying writing moment of your year?
In retrospect I think maybe the end of Composition. Which is funny because despite having planned it for AGES as a kind of bridge between Presence and Resurface, I rushed the last chapter out in a hurry as I’d hit the point in Resurface that refers back to it and needed to ensure all the parts of the circle were in place. But exploring how Virgil sees the world is one of my favourite things and setting that short fic in a musical context was very satisfying. And it may be cheesy but this line still makes me smile:
With a satisfied hum, Scott pressed his cheek into his head and the timid, hopeful note in Virgil’s heart swelled into a triumphant chord of determination.
24. Did you do anything special to celebrate finishing a fic?
Yes. I commissioned a piece of fanart and it is beautiful and perfect and I desperately want to share it but I must not until I finish the darn story because the whole point was it was a reward for finishing (I just got it a touch early…)
SOOON THOUGH.
25. How did you recharge between fics?
What is this ‘between’ you speak of? 🧐
26. Did you create fanworks other than fic?
No, unless Tiny Tracys count 🤣
27. How many events did you take part in? (bangs, exchanges, ship weeks, zines, prompt memes, they all count!)
I’m not good at prompts with time limits, it seems. I did write a little for Fishtank Week and there was the Secret Santa of course.
28. If this were an awards show, who would you thank?
So many people, basically all of Thunderfam who have encouraged me to try something I never thought I could do. But if I start a list I know I’ll miss someone then feel bad so I’ll stick to just one shoutout to @sofasurf for constantly encouraging me in both writing and life in general and who is a most excellent co-conspirator.
29. What's left on your to-do list for 2024?
Well I WAS going to say “finish Resurface” but… *eyes calendar and sighs*
30. What would you like to write next year?
Obv finish Resurface, and then I want to find my confidence with Estera again. So many ideas for Scott & Jeff and Allie & Scott and some fish tank too… and I’d like to write more John and more Kayo… not to mention the big mad apocalyptic fic which I really need to plot out properly before doing any more with…
But probably I’ll just end up writing about the boys playing on an airport travelator or stuck at the bottom of a hole or something because sometimes the pieces I’m most proud of are the ones that come out of nowhere 🙄😅🤪
Thought I make the main characters of all the original novels I wrote (or tried to write) so far. Thought about actually drawing them, but these are really a lot. (No, these are not all finished novels, only like the half, and the first two can only be counted as a novel with much good will). Just wanted to celebrate my writing I guess?
Made with badydews picrew (here)
More information about each of them (name, name of the novel, genre) under the cut, if anybody is actually interested in this
LooLoo Phatias - Verbindungen zwischen den Welten (Fantasy (???))
Rachel “Sanddorn” San - Das N.I.R.D.S-Projekt (Portal Fantasy) (oh man, dieser Titel ist so schlecht...)
Layla Pataris - Als ich die Welt retten musste (Urban Fantasy)
Tallai Brook-Özkan - Das Protokoll vom Anbeginn der Zeit (Urban Fantasy)
Arne-Lili “Tasha” Yakram - 2162 (Dystopie)
Arcur Naal Setra - Union des Himmels (Science Fiction)
So a little original writing progress update (for anyone who cares).
I'm doing a bit of editing while writing. I'm taking a previous work that was more of a novella sized piece (<40,000 words) and expanding it into a novel (hoping to aim for around 80,000 words). I made it about 60% of the way through the original work and beefed the whole thing up to 50k words, had some discovery moments about the plot, and now I'm going back to the beginning to make sure to weave those in consistently before I continue on adapting the remaining 40% of the original work. Basically the ideas are coming to me as I go and it creates some points where I need to backtrack to make sure that I remember to put that piece where it needs to go.
It's all very unintuitive for how I normally write lol. I think because I'm working with something I had before, instead of writing from scratch to write start to finish.
I am in a place where I sort of feel inspired but I also keep daydreaming about other ideas too that I think to myself, "Maybe that will be a more obsessive experience for me and I'll enjoy the process more." But I am sort of seeing this as a "practice book" to really show myself I can do it. So I am stubbornly committed to staying on task and getting it done, whether or not it ever sees the light or day or anyone reads it.
Big takeaway: writing a book is a lot harder than you think. Especially when you juggle so many other parts of your life along with it. It would be so wonderful to be able to sit down and only focus on this *sigh*. And also just because you can write good fanfic doesn't mean you can write a good book (at least that is how I feel in this very moment haha). I'm hoping that this comes together a lot more in rewrites/revisions. I would really like to have a "first draft" of the novel-sized story done by the end of spring but we will see how it goes.
So earlier this year I took a class about video games and storytelling and the final project was pitching our own video game so I basically pitched a game that's a combo of CoD, Annihilation, Threads and British Folk Horror and I basically made the MC Ghost's daughter. I even gave her a Scottish boyfriend that died in the cold open.
My biggest regret is that I made just a complicated world that I don't think I can post any of it without posting all of it and I kind of want to keep working on it as original fiction.
We also had to include art references and mine were Francis Bacon, Disco Elysium and Jamie Hewlett (Gorillaz, Tank Girl)
I'm such a planner for these things I even have a scene where the 141 actors could cameo.
Maybe one day I will sit down and right the whole thing but honestly I think I need to go to England again to write it because the main theme is just a criticism of English classism, colonialism and how little they care about their own biodiversity.
I really hope I never get “Write about the worst thing you’ve done” as a prompt ever again. Making the most uncomfortable parts of anxiety (ie guilt) have control of my brain for the day is pretty shitty, especially combined with ADHD RSD stuff, which means EVERYONE I HAVE EVER FELT GUILTY TOWARDS HATES ME NOW, AND HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THAT THEY COULD HAVE TAKEN ABSOLUTELY UNREASONABLE STANCES ON WHAT HAPPENED AND AIM TO HARM YOU NOW? THEY HAVEN’T OFFERED ANY INDICATION OF A DESIRE TO DO SO? YOU NEVER KNOW WHY THEY MIGHT BE HIDING THAT FROM YOU.
(I mean, I probably also should have written about the worst thing I’ve ever done instead of the thing that haunts me the most (I... don’t even come off as the villain in the few pages I wrote), but I figured I’d take the prompt in stride and write the better story, ie the one I’d narrated to death in my brain already. In my defense, the piece I wrote would have made a decent short-story, if I did enough fictionalization.)
(I’m going to light the fucking pages I wrote in on fire. It will never be anything like a short story. I am going to destroy it.)
