#personal:kiara

[kiaraspeaks]

I would like to spread misinformation right now

[kiaraspeaks]

yes you're gonna find my little icon in every Annie/smoke interaction

[kiaraspeaks]

Going through my personal tag and why didn't I just get a journal. It would still give me the same self satisfaction lmao

[kiaraspeaks]

I don't trust people who are set on molding me in their image. Michael mainly. I don't think I could ever trust him again after that shit. He was literally molding me for motherhood and that scares me. If I hadn't stepped back and reviewed all the evidence I might have two ankle biters right now. It's not to say that he wouldn't take care of me, I know I wouldn't want for a damn thing but I... I would have liked to have a choice And that was one of my first hard lessons on the road to adulthood. But people in general who are underhanded about what they want me to be are typically not to be trusted... and not to be so eager just because something I've wanted for a long time is actually working in my favor.

[kiaraspeaks]

I finally explained to my mom that I did have a boyfriend, that we broke up and he use to be an escort. It's not easy to talk about because I .. I fucked up. It literally was all me and my stubbornness and my stupid face hole.

I just wish I had someone to talk to about him. He was really everything I wanted... and then there I go. There will be other chances but not with him and I don't compare every guy to him but he was a man. A real man. You can't compare boys to men. You're only 20 Kiara how would you know what a man is? You just know. I really thought my great aunt was crazy but you do just know. No bullshit, no fuckery, just.. and it was me.

I can say he was being clingy, which he wasn't and I can try and lie and say he wasn't patient (which he was). It was me. I'm still very young and maybe when I'm older... if women are still stupid enough to pass him up.

He called me a prostitute and I told him "I look it, you lived it."

Not very nice, but I'm not nice. I don't think he would ever have anything nice to say to me again and I deserve it.

[kiaraspeaks]

It sucks really bad because all the jobs I know I can do require me to be there in the morning and all my classes demand that I be there in the morning. So it becomes a subject of do I go to class or work. Do I drop out to work? Is my degree/certificate/training gonna matter by the time I graduate? Fuck. I just... it's hard. That must mean I'm getting stronger but I can't help but feel like I keep making the wrong choices because things keep getting harder and in my way. 

[kiaraspeaks]

I kinda miss the hood. White people and Bosnians are judgy as fuck over here. Nigga I pay my bills same as you, gtfo my window. You woulda thought we was sacrificing small children the way they look at me. Some of them are cool but most are really fucking weird. And I always make sure I have a fucking alibi. I don't want no mistakes made around this bitch. In the hood nobody really gave a fuck and everybody spoke to each other, even the dope fiends. Over here it's just odd. One thing I fucking hate about this city is that if you're black... they think you're shit under their boot. At least in other cities they pretend, but that shit is blatant as fuck.

This little bosnian fuck told me I would be a good fuck but that he would never take me home.

IN BOSNIAN.

like I didn't understand. So I told him to shove that hose up his ass and take that home.

Seriously... I hate it here, but it's chill so imma chill.

[kiaraspeaks]

fucking fuck. like what...

I don't think there's shit wrong with someone being a good person. But you're not a fucking good guy/girl. You have your off days, everyone does. You're probably funny & smart too.  Being good is just one fucking piece of who you might be. If you are strictly good.... then you're lying. You get angry, and mad too. You have to. If she/he plays you... it's not because you're a good guy/girl, it's because he/she is an impossible bitch. However, don't confuse being a bitch with someone who simply didn't know you were interested in that way. Not every fucking person in the world is constantly looking for signs of folks wanting to be with them. Sometimes you have to make it clear... and if they are stringing you along then they're impossible bitches and that sucks, and try to move on. But you're more than just a nice guy/girl. You're a damn complex human, being nice is just a piece.. but fuck.. LET THEM KNOW. and if they aren't feeling it then move on. If you can't be their friend then let them know that too.