Aug 25, 2021
Why can't anyone ever understand ME. Why am I always forced to understand THEM?!
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Why can't anyone ever understand ME. Why am I always forced to understand THEM?!
Can never cleanse myself of you enough
Day 339 days of this battle.
If we’re not going to keep our words..then why the hell should I? I’ve been abiding by what little “rules” you’ve given me, listened to your concerns and things that made you unhappy. But how come is it when comes to something about you that upsets me it’s denied. Every single time…it’s ridiculous. Like does that mean I can run out n smoke a carton of cigarettes. Or snorts bottle of pills or be as reckless as we both know I’m capable of ? Of coarse not. Because of something called respect. What I have for you. Because I take into consideration your feelings. And let you know what’s going on. But vice versa the same isn’t happening. It’s kinda really depressing. Because I really thought you meant it when you said you’d talk more. But it’s fine. Really. I can do this again.
But I'll love you always.
I wish you meant less to me so I could let my addiction swallow me. But you’ll never mean less to me. I wish I had the chance to experience that part of my life…and I don’t know if I’m more grateful or upset about it. But I’ll always love you. In all honestly.. I feel like one of these days it will…it’ll swallow me whole and possibly you too… but I’ll always love you. Things would get bad, scary and ugly..but I’ll always love you. Maybe that’s what I need in life… what I used to have… the bad.. the addict-enabler partner… the one you were for her…God how I wish you were that but to me… you probably wouldn’t have gotten clean.. or you would have and I wouldn’t have been able to…. I always told you I wouldn’t get addicted to anything… Guess I lied.. an I know I could never hide something like that from you. I’m so proud of your sobriety.. thing is.. maybe I don’t want mine anymore.., but I’ll always love you.
Losing myself again.
Ii just wanna be okay again...
11:21 AM thoughts. On no sleep
Don’t think that I need you.. I don’t. I can drop you anytime I want.- what every addict says about they’re addiction. And now I’m saying it about you. Funny how that works.
What was I thinking?
I told you the rained scared me, specially at night and when I'm alone. I'm glad you care so much to leave me here alone in the dark while it's storming. I have never been with anyone like you before. Oh wait... I have she was my ex..glad I found someone just like her. What was I thinking hoping you'd be different.
343 AM. My mind won't stop.
You took everything I gave you of myself and threw it. Not at me, not away. Just threw it. I'm glad while I can lay here crying you can lay over there asleep. I'm glad nothing is impacting you and causing you a disturbance. I wouldn't want to inconvenience you in anyway. Trying to be strong by yourself is hard but hey... what do I know?.