#imlosingmyself

[jadedbabeeee]

It's cause I'm not skinny huh?

[fuckxanaxsmoothies]

6.7.21

work work work and no fucking play make Maria a crazy bitch!

HOLY SHIT!!

3 hours in the sun doing garage inspections for my Board to disagree about 4/6 of the damn things.

I am so overwhelmed.

First, i was trying to hide my weight loss, hide my anxiety, now i use that shit.

“Oh, Maria you look so good” - well thanks but none of its for u, its for me but thank MYSELF for dysmorphia bc i cannot tell a damn difference between myself at start in Feb (241) and now (224ish). almost 20 lbs starved out of myself, sweated out, and i look in the mirror and see the same double chin, the same flabby arms, the same jiggle marks on my thighs, the stomach that never ends OMFG. I swear, dysmorphia is the worst. Its encouraging for my dysmorphia to work with my ED bc since i cannot see any change in myself i wanna go HARDER!! except its summer and go harder = go to the hospital for dehydration.

I am sick of myself.

I know most of us here are, which is why i can actually find some support and courage here. HOLY SHIT, i cannot find that in real life. No one has a fucking clue what is going on behind my eyes. SMH.

Funny how people always think they know you bc the usually have no fucking clue who you are as a person, its just what they have assumed you are, and let me tell you, those two pictures are SOOOO different.

I am so sick of pretending to give a flying fuck about me.

I just wants my sons b-day to pass, everyone mention how skinny i am compared to the last time they saw me, then everyone can leave so i can binge eat cake...

speaking of binging. What  a BAD weekend for me... i tried but with everything going on i lost myself and all will power.

TODAY ive done better, the best for me. I had two coffees with espresso and i had 4 thin slices of plain deli turkey, something that if i didn't eat i would have passed out after spending 3 hours melting in the sun to do my damn job.

Brings me back full circle.

I miss old tumblr days when ppl would send me hate for having ED/SH issues - at least then the hate kept me going. Now i found a world of people who are in the same boat as me. i NEED A TEXTING BUDDY!! a stranger who i have no accountability to. straight, gay, fem, male, fucking unicorn, i literally do not care. I need someone to help me stay me and not become a shell of myself, which is where im headed.

Who wants to help?!

[ponderingwonderer]

Day 339 days of this battle.

If we’re not going to keep our words..then why the hell should I? I’ve been abiding by what little “rules” you’ve given me, listened to your concerns and things that made you unhappy. But how come is it when comes to something about you that upsets me it’s denied. Every single time…it’s ridiculous. Like does that mean I can run out n smoke a carton of cigarettes. Or snorts bottle of pills or be as reckless as we both know I’m capable of ? Of coarse not. Because of something called respect. What I have for you. Because I take into consideration your feelings. And let you know what’s going on. But vice versa the same isn’t happening. It’s kinda really depressing. Because I really thought you meant it when you said you’d talk more. But it’s fine. Really. I can do this again.

[mikaylalovebug]

Now it's more like a fear of knowing I'm not good enough. It's not an if anymore....ill just never be enough...

[hopeless-fox]

Tears and nankin. #personalshits #illustration #nankin #fox #imlosingmyself

[maralan]

At first I was like "oh tumblr isn't that cool" but it's slowly pulling me in

[cuandosalelaluna]