#personalmax

[fox-and-roses]

Things I need to remember: -I’m panicky and kinda scared, but I took my meds at the wrong time, are something a little off, and walked a lot -I’m so scared of being straight forward because I’m afraid of people leaving me. I’m so scared of that. I have to have faith that I will still remained loved if I’m more upfront -planning out entire days is how I cope with anxiety, but it’s not on anyone else to follow my schedule -not being around the people I love doesn’t mean they don’t love me -I’m very insecure, but I’m working on it, and it takes time. Expecting change overnight is unrealistic and setting up for failure. Take things as they come. Be honest and go with what is happening, and slowly improve -it’s my inclination to be impulsive and self destructive when I think about these things but I need to make sure I can take care of myself to survive this emotional patch I’m going through

[fox-and-roses]

I'm reading this amazing zine/book on chronic illness. And it made me think of something that I am mostly writing about to keep for later. That I've never felt like I was fighting my illnesses. I've felt like I'm experiencing them, and feeling them, but it's felt like my meds and diet are fighting them for me. Like my higher brain function has had no part, because there is no other way of getting through the day. I just have to deal. And is that fighting? By taking meds, so many meds, and changing my diet? I don't feel like I have control over my Illness or disabilities. One day I can take the dog for a walk, the next I can't make myself food. It just happens to me. I don't fight the symptoms because nothing can be done about most of them, except time and rest. Idk. I guess I really want to hear thoughts. Idk.

[fox-and-roses]

I guess I'll do an "about me" because I gained 40 followers from that pic

I mean, I can't even. That pic has almost 600 toes in two days, I feel so pretty. Uh, ok 1- my name as of right now is Josh. I change it a lot. I like to sign off my emails with just -j. It makes me feel cool. 2- I like wearing makeup, even though I'm new to it. When I was younger, my mom was really religious and picked out all my clothes and wouldn't let me wear make up and then I took hormones and had top surgery and thought I couldn't be femme any more, and then I met my partner who helped me feel more confident as genderweird. 3- I have a partner and they are so wonderful 4- I'm disabled. I have celiacs disease, epilepsy, and chronic exhaustion and pain. It fucking sucks and I talk about it a lot. I use a cane and sometimes crutches. I also have a lot of mental health challenges. 5- if you followed me for more pretty pics, I'm sorry cos I only post pretty femme pics every couple weeks. I tend to post witchy things, mental health stuff, political and social justice stuff, and silly things. 6- I'm mixed, Puerto Rican and white, and I'm 100% in constant work in being an ally and challenging racist bullshit. 7- feurgeson and the protest are the more important to me to post than anything else I have a a really big heart, and a lot of love. I want to talk to more people, so please feel free to message? Yes come talk to me? Good energies to you 😊 -j🌻

[fox-and-roses]

So I've been off tumblr for a bit cos basically I made a tumblr to find more support, but whenever I post something I need feedback on, it's silence. But I post a pic of me in lipstick and it's notes galore. It's frustrating to see that..... So I'm not sure if I'll stay on or leave yet. It might just be personal posts from now in. I might make a personal blog and ask people to come over. There are well over 600 of y'all, yet I only really talk to two. Well we'll see

[fox-and-roses]

I'm tired of being peoples soundboards. Also tired of talking too much to fill up the silence. I'm missing a whole lot of my physical pre t self. I'm stressed because I might have m.s. I'm depressed and tired and anxious, and I usually have enough energy to be nice or kind, but apparently I'm not that good of a person. I want to get mad at somethin g or someone so I can just yell.

[fox-and-roses]

At the gelato shop grabbing desert after eating out with my honey. Bitched about cis folx and white folx, talked about falling in love, and me being a future therapist. I feel a lot better Like, even though my job is frustrating and often sucks, in a few years I get to be a *therapist*. Damn thats awesome

[fox-and-roses]

Pros of the new place: new place Not living with family Good area Lots of space

Cons: far from bart Roommates don’t know I’m trans, and we don’t know them well enough to see if they’re cool No clover for 3 months

[fox-and-roses]

Fucking fuck we got a place, finally some good