#persunal

[perunasaatio]

Olin aina pienempänä kaikissa elokuvissa pahisten puolella, koska hyvisten onnellisuus vitutti

[sinikansivihko]

Vittumaisuuden huippu

En saa nukuttua koska stressaan tulevia yo-kokeita. Nyt on joululoma. Niihin on aikaa vie pari kuukautta ja mulla on niin kova stressi etten saa unta. Miks mun pitää olla tämmönen epäonnistunu peruna.

[humansun]

Yeaaaaa almost end of October update

Who’s gonna make you feel the way I do? Nobody. Nobody. - MJB

Benny listens to The Drums, my guy. Can’t believe it. But hey! No one expects me to be a country fan and want a yellow pick-up truck to drive around forever. Humans are multi-faceted. No one belongs in a box.

The real conversation here is about the fact that I’m letting myself play and not holding myself to endless side goals and projects that I can’t achieve, you know? And that is great news. Some of my play is family time with Co Thao and with Baby Bennylicious.

I think what baffles me the most, even though Benny is not perfect for me, is that he chooses to care for me which I find the most beautiful thing. I think its beautiful that he actively chooses to be in my life and wants to spend time with me. There’s not too much of that anymore because no one wants to try. Spending time with someone who tries, always feels so different and it feels fulfilling to have all of the love you pour into someone reciprocated. Being around him is comfortable and it brings me a sense of peace I can’t quite extract from myself sometimes.

I am grateful to all the people who love me. I feel immense gratitude for my parents, who do things for me without expecting anything in return. I am grateful for the friends who let me talk and talk and talk and don’t stop me from feeling any one of my emotions. I am grateful for the Benny in my life who just lets me be me, even though I know for a fact that he’s weirded out.

All my hopes and dreams and goals are on hold right now. I’m letting myself be and doing the bare minimum for myself, play and apartment shopping. That’s good enough. Once I have a better hold of my existence, I can hop on all the goals I want and run with it. Shout out to all my of relatives (Co Thao and Uncle Jeremy and Julie and Mai and Cindy and everyone) who love me unconditionally as I am and continue to support me even when I’m in the dumps. In the midst of the hardship, I do love my life very much. It will get better soon because I am blessed and I am counting as much as I can.

[humansun]

It's come to this. Post-it entry!

[humansun]

My Daily Question

It's the same question that’s been popping up since the Black Lives Matter and Stop Asian Hate movements.

How do I make the world better, as fast and as effectively as possible?

It doesn’t feel like enough when a family member comforts me and says, you being a good person is enough. I agree, it is a great thing to be a good person and I’m sure it does a lot of good for my personal life. But I want to do more and I want to do it all the right way.

The word “right” is always a toss up for interpretation, but generally, I'd like to be integrity based in all of my actions in living my best life and changing the world.

The Boggs and Paines have been stirring the mental pot for me. The introduction about what revolution truly means threw me for a whirl since I interpret revolution in limited terms: a one time event where masses overthrow a system or a significant and/or tumultuous change.

They explained it differently. Revolution is changing the values of each person within the society. So revolution by internal revolution. This makes perfect sense - it all goes back to Boggs’ “if we want to see change in our lives, we have to change things ourselves”, because we have to make the changes in ourselves to develop the revolution.

When we begin to develop a culture within ourselves that harnesses power and pushes us to live our lives how we want to, this in turn empowers others to live their life in a similar manner, and when this becomes a widespread trend, it has the potential to become a norm.

Everything in our 21st century society derived from somebody’s internal culture, decision-making, and values. It can be the way we prioritize convenience over the concern of the planet like using disposable silverware more frequently and littering because "someone else will pick it up". All the normal activities in our society at one point were not yet normal, but they have developed into normalcy which means at any point, we can change them.

It’s like fashion trends or social media challenges. These videos grow viral overnight and it may become commonplace to see them, whether inherently good or bad. Instagram filters may become a norm, but is there inherent good or bad in that, to the effects of our society’s self-esteem and acceptance of our natural bodies?

If all of these ideas were created at a point and they morphed into these crazy activities we do each day that contribute to climate change and create negative stereotypes of each other, then we can change them. (At this point, I’ve accepted that all of my blog posts always have some sort of happy-go-lucky, motivational, or naive optimism to close things out, but in a way I do believe in my idealism. I’m a dreamer. 🤷🏻‍♀️)

A goal I have that I wish to complete before my spirit leaves the Earth is embarking on a movement driven by two main values: love and wisdom. I wouldn’t necessarily know how this would all come to be and how many people would be on board with it, but I want to see it happen. Whether I am a supporter of the movement, the person driving it, or a member on the team, I want to see, experience, and be a part of the next revolution of internal human change.

Much love,

Betty

P.S. I almost watched the second episode of Squid Game today, but I won’t do it. Not because I am punishing myself for any reason, but I want to dedicate more time to reading and writing. I will have plenty of time to binge shows in my years of living!

P.S.S. Because I love humans so much, I sometimes feel really uncomfortable not acknowledging someone on the street when I pass them. It bothers me that I don’t say hi because I’m scared people will judge me, but I want to say hi SO BAD!!

[humansun]

October Week 1 | Ankle, Family, & Reflections

The last week of September was a tough way to start off autumn, but October is here and I have never been more excited for spooky season. I even finished The Shining!🚪🎃

Surface Level Updates:

Family is life ⟺ if they are great people. Yes, my trauma is present, speaking, and unforgiving.

I would like to increase safe spaces in my life because my personality is not an anomaly and deserves to be celebrated on an hourly basis at the minimum.

My ankle is not fully healed .

I'm caving. I’m going to watch Squid Game.

I miss Uncle Jer! Why is he so cool? But then thinking about Texas makes me think about Trey and how much I don’t want to accept that he does not prioritize me in his life, or so it seems.

THE SUN AND THE OCEAN ARE MY SECOND PARENTS. I AM CERTAIN OF IT ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL.

Deeper Level Thoughts:

My routine life in SoCal is not as simple nor as mundane as I've been making it out to be. There is complexity in every part of my existence and how I experience it as well - like how the sky is affected by each minute of the day, how light hits street signs or somebody’s face, and especially how you can visually see the joy and competitive energy during a family board game.

I am very impatient when it comes to wanting to achieve goals. This is an internal analysis for another day.

Most days, I have love for every single person and creature and living being on Earth (except for evil humans).

There is an incredible amount of beauty in living a simple life guided by basic core values: love, happiness, eating good, taking care of what’s needed to survive, and still celebrating life every day and in every moment (s/o to Aunt Jenn). This realization moved me to tears today and I am grateful to have experienced it when I did.

I need to trust myself more in terms of the fact that I am the whole package and there is nothing wrong with me being this awesome.

The next challenge I am facing is reaching a higher consciousness than I am at now (and hopefully that reflects in my writing).

The Aaliyah/Nicki remix of Go Crazy is still fire. Good night!

[humansun]

I AM WHO I AM LOOKING FOR

[humansun]

Fall 2021 Begins.

I’ve been busy. I’ve been busy changing the way I think, the way I act, and the way I educate myself. The only thing that has not budged is my sassiness in home, which I really need to work on.

After getting over my period slump, I have come out the other side processing all I have to learn if I am going to dedicate my life to a creative craft that is competitive and challenging to succeed in. I’ve been figuring out how to change my perspective on what I want to do as a career into how I want to turn it into a hobby instead. This sounds backwards, but it's true since I abandoned it years ago.

Essentially, I want to keep that hobby going as true and authentic to me as possible, with no commercial weigh-in as I continue my goals and check them off my list.

I’ve been having less time to do everything I want to do since work is busy, family life is busy, being injured is busy, and wanting to pursue my craft outside of work hours is busy. It leaves barely enough time for a healthy amount of sleep everyday, which I need in order to function well.

Notable Updates:

I spent the last day of Summer 2021 getting myself a delicious box of nachos from Super Bionicos in Baldwin Park. This was a great decision except for the last four bites. Too much cheese and too little chip.

The first day of Fall was celebrated by a drive around the San Gabriel Valley, a really peaceful visit to the park, and an introspective art session for myself with a touch of juggling practice.

What I’ve Learned:

Ava Duvernay said for me to take off my smelly coat of desperation in her Film Independent keynote speech. I need to take off this stupid coat.

Working with what you have, playing with the cards you’re dealt, and winning within the limits of the rules is great advice. Now to implement. T-T

Exercising your storytelling skills is difficult when you spent most of your life never practicing that muscle.

Lastly, tenacity.

I have a lot of director commentary films I have to catch up on. Movie time!