I don't like having a contact stance being like "this age can't consent" because age is not a good indicator for anything but vast generalizations, and consent looks incredibly different depending on who's involved and what power dynamics are in play
a consent stance really ought to be specific like "a person who isn't aware of the implications of their actions can't consent to being responded to with behaviour escalation from a person in a position of power"
or "an unexperienced person showing any sort of shyness, nervousness or anything beyond enthusiastic consent can not be assumed to just be playing a submissive role to a person in a position of power"
and like, if you aren't aware of the experience level or understanding a person has with sex. you should not be making advancements that are not explicit in exactly what you expect from them in both the short and long term. if you're just gently prying at them to see what next action they will allow, that's cohersion. verifying consent is a very fundamental part of sex. there is no room for assumptions when in a position of power and engaging with someone you don't know intimately
I don't know how to express to you why a world with destigmatized public sexuality would free everyone and reduce harm
I can't even begin to express to you how the opposite. How being told your sexuality is inherently harmful and evil and destructive to exist kills a person
I felt too anxious to hold my partner's hand in public for long until I was in my mid 20s
Only this year in my mid 30s was I able to kiss a partner in public with more joy than fear
The only sex I experienced was secretive so I had no way of verifying if my experiences were normal and good or if they were bad. or even how to only have the experiences I wanted to have!
If people are free to exist in all their sexuality in public. then people are free to protect their boundaries in public. because that's part of it to. sex and consent are the same conversation, and pretending that advocating for sex is advocating for harm says more about your personal relationship with sex than anything else
chat with a moot has me pondering on exactly where the contact line is for me when it comes to in person interactions
when does platonic affection turn romantic or sexual? I'm not sure I've ever understood that line. there's been so many times I didn't realize that the touch another person was initiating was leading to sex, because I found it appealing and was not aroused or desiring sex. up until the moment they were going for genitals and sometimes not even then because not all touch is sexual. it was when there became clear demands for their release of pleasure that I got truely not comfortable. and by then I often felt trapped x.x
I'm a relationship anarchist in part because I don't assign a relationship status or intention to any action or behavior. I take people at their word what their intentions are. and so I've had to learn the hard way that many people are not honest about their intentions
I know I can always be true and honest about my intentions. but does that matter if the other person can't trust that because the rest of their life has taught them differently?
I genuinely don't see human affection and touch as anything negative or worrisome that can bring harm. it's neutral and a way to communicate care. and I know that's true for other parts of the world too. but I know I have to remain concious of trends and meanings assigned by the piece of society that I live in regardless
this post is about cocsa and also similar activities but not traumatic
my relationships to my experiences continue to grow and change
things that seemed fine but confusing
later became stressful and worrisome
then it was Trauma™️
which led to Disorders™️
which finally got unpacked and understood. less confused. and lighter once I could finally grieve the actual things that hurt
I wish..... I wish someone had just been willing to talk to me about my experiences. to demystify them early. to help me unpack all the complicated feelings so that I could integrate new understandings before it became trauma. because not all of it was bad, but it took me so long to understand that
(surely one can understand the danger of having an incredibly strong fear response to things that are normal and healthy parts of intimate relationships. yeah? I was being traumatized by things that weren't actually traumatizing)
cause in reality the only stuff that ever hurt in the moment was when I was made to feel bad for not wanting it. or when I was made fun of for being different
otherwise..... I have such tender special and sweet memories of childhood explorations with friends and neighborhood kids and cousins and church friends. explorations of all kinds not just sexual or sexual. we imagined and explored and processed our way through all sorts of scenarios through toys and through full body roleplay or "scenes." (my cuz R and I literally used to negotiate scenes or "play" beforehand and know our roles so we could relax into it and explore with every part of ourselves)
I don't think any of that was wrong. I think it's done wonderful things to improve the connection I have to my body. the range of sexual and sensual pleasure I have access to is incredible. even my curiosity has never waned because I know that it is what can lead to the most surprisingly pleasurable moments that life can have
I do know it was a tenuous activity though. this society enforces certain narratives if you don't already have the proper information and self awareness. it's so much worse now with social media too. fuck
I was made to believe so much of my experiences was awful for so long. that all contact as kids was bad and abusive. but like.... no. no it wasn't. and I'll be damned if I left someone try and take the best parts of my childhood away from me again. FUCK I did NOT deserve that suffering!!!!
to the youth out there. do not let them take away your joy. do not let them take away your pleasure. as long as who you are with respects your limits and boundaries* then please play to your hearts content. the whole point of being a youth is to explore and play and experience and gather information so you can figure out what kind of life you want for yourself!!!!
*respecting boundaries and limits means and it does not take an argument or monumental effort to get a person to understand what is causing you pain if you are telling them what behaviour is not okay for you to recieve
even if it was an accident, we are all still responsible for the impact of our actions. the right thing to do is to take accountability and apologize when we have been told we've just crossed a person's boundary in a way that hurt them
accountability looks like taking the time to learn what actually went wrong from their perspective, and acknowledging how your own behaviours caused that impact. usually these things come down to either accidents or incompatiblies. both are normal and healthy parts of life. consider them an opportunity to learn more about the other person and what specific ways they need to be cared for or respected. not everyone is meant to be in our close circle and that's okay
also sometimes people lack the language to communicate their experiences at the moment. that sucks, and also can lead to even more harm because the activity lasts far longer than they should ever have been asked to tolerate. that's a complicated thing and this post is already far too long. but I'll def go into the nuances of that another day. but paradoxes do exist where it is seemingly consentul for one person and abject terror for the other. that is why mandatory sex ed that is properly informing people is so so so fucking important to have access to at every age. taking accountability is still important but uses a slightly different script
I have a bunch of active side blogs, so I'm making this as a more brief entry point for anyone checking out who I am from notifs & doesn't need to see my entire blog intro (it's like 30 paragraphs lol)
this main blog is sfw, but some young or traumatized minds can find it too heavy or triggering from politically charged posts, vents about mental health and other controversial content. I try and tag heavier things to give folks more agency over their feed but I'd still exercise caution if you're only here from a sideblog
blogs:
@persyplayhouse - sfw regressor blog (nsft dni)
@cocoabuttergamma - omegaverse/misceverse lifestyle + therian blog
• This blog is a safe space for all my fellow weirdos and freaks out there. anyone that society loves to hate or shame. addicts, conflicting identities, xenogenders, factitious or malingering disorders, medically unrecognised disorders, mogai, loim, qai, furries, xenogenders, transIDs, "scary" personality or mental disorders, (dark) k1nksters, (dark) proship/profic, paraphiles, radqueers, radfreaks, radeviance, xenosatanist, yanderes, fleur, etc etc etc. come one and come all, no matter what you call yourself. I choose to trust every single one of you that your personal identity is in good faith and exactly what you need.
• Not a space for those who are knowingly causing non-con harm w/ no intention of change. this includes those who ignore RACK or the concept of risk aware informed consent. this includes those in a position of power who knows the other person has different intentions for the relationship than you do & the other person doesn't understand they're different. this includes lashing out at people for not being who/what you need them to be. this does not include those in active recovery - DM if you need help growing/evolving
feel free to click any of the tags at the bottom of this post to learn more about me or check the vibe of the core facets of this blog
this is kinda an asshole requirement but. I think a really important requirement of enabling ongoing consent in a large power gap relationship, is having a close friend or other non-biased person who's generally supportive of the relationship. on both sides
because trauma is born in confusion and thrives in isolation. and sometimes all it takes is a conversation to set things right
there's this interesting idea that the only signs someone is moving towards a healthier and healed* lifestyle, is if they're only behaving more like their healthy and healed selves
but the real truth is that in order to change we MUST face ourselves. we must dive deep and understand who we are and why we are. and facing that is messy. it's always always messy. there will always be a back and forth if we are to understand the full picture. it's not a backward step, it's just a move in a dance
you can not judge a person's behaviours in a vacuum no more than you can judge their words in a vacuum. any time you are not viewing a person in their whole self and whole context, you are no longer seeing them. but only your preferred version of them
(cw: flickering lights at intense moments)
*healthy and healed is a journey, not a destination. there is no ultimate healed self. we are who we are, and tomorrow we can be a little different
I prefer instead to encourage people to seek a life that is fulfilled and secure
do you feel like so many things are missing from your life you can't find happiness? or do you have gratitude at having so many wonderful things in your life?
do you trust the people closest to you and your wider community? or are you desperately unsure of where safety is located?
these two goals are far easier to evaluate looking forward. it's incredibly difficult to take steps towards a future for yourself that is good and honest if you aren't experiencing that in your current life and don't know what it looks like. but baby steps of adding more joy into your life and finding safe places to exist is something anyone can accomplish AND is something that will inherently lead to healing when people encounter parts of themselves that are inhibiting their joy and sense of safety
this is why I think we really need to trust people that the way they are choosing to live their lives is what is best for them. even if it looks messy as hell, we tend to inherently try and find happiness and safety. we KNOW what we need. it's just society stepping in and denying resources and options and real tools that someone could use to make more nuanced choices
if anyone's going to be doing the pathologizing on this brain, it's going to be me. I know it better than anyone else
at this point I will allow mental health professionals to be consultants out of respect of their immense study of, care for, and experience in the field. but at the end of the day I know they can only have a incredibly biased view of me even if it's an incredibly formed one, because of the simple fact that I am not the same person from day to day. they are only ever seeing glimpses
which is what I had liked about the idea of mental hospitals back before I realized their real purpose. I thought being under constant observation would allow for more accurate assessments of my psyche. but unfortunately they're only there to blindly force you into conformity while doing some very basic teaching of self assessment and self regulation skills. granted I never was in a particularly good hospital, but I've heard plenty of stories to know that it's a lightning strike to get care that actually does everything that you need it to
I do not do well in coercive treatment. and I do not do well at giving coercive care either. my work in mental health is very much informed by being more of a consultant, gentle guide and cheerleader. if I am introducing something new I do it gentle as hell. I am introducing concepts/ideas/tools and allowing them to explore further if and when they choose, with as much or as little help as they need, and I do it with complete non judgement. we all have different journeys to take and trying to force someone to take the path I did (or to take the most commonly traveled highway so many are forced on by the psych system) is just fucking harmful imo
my therapist gets that too, which is why I do trust her as much as I do to be such an incredible consultant on my bodymind system. she is so so good at pointing out things I missed, especially helping me determine when something is or isn't under my control and why that is. she is my ethical compass, even with her flaws I can at least respect her reasoning when I disagree and allow myself to ponder on her words longer than I would allow any other professional to take up space in my brain. and my partner is similar in this level of respect I offer him in his evaluations of my Self, even if he is even more flawed so I have to sort through his bullshit longer to figure out what parts of his perspective I actually appreciate haha.
