Heal (Peter Parker x Reader)
Word count: 3.5k
Description: On a mission with the team, reader is mind controlled by HYDRA and attacks Peter.
Requested by anon: I wanted to request something really angsty with Peter like the reader is being controlled by someone and is sent to kill peter and she’s succeeding because peter refuses to hurt her and in the last minute when she snaps out of it because she thinks she actually killed him and yeah.
Note: Out of all of the angst I’ve written this is the most dramatic one (I think) so enjoy the heartbreak!. Also this is the first time I post in a while and I’m really really happy about it.
Masterlist
•
You had one mission, and it was the only thing repeating over and over again in your head.
Kill spiderman Kill spiderman Kill spiderman
A wave of coldness ran through your body, your hands slightly trembled. You didn't remember your name, or why you were in that military base in the first place. The only thing you knew was you were suited up and you had a mission, the small white 'A' embroidered in the side of your suit caught your attention, but you couldn't figure out what it stood for.
You couldn't hear anything other than a raspy voice with an accent ordering you to kill the man in a red and blue suit. Sometimes a faint desperate voice told you to stop, the voice sounded familiar but you pushed it back, there was no time for distractions.
You had to kill spiderman.
It didn't take long before you found the infamous man, although when you approached him and he spoke his voice sounded very teenager like. What was your age again? You couldn't figure that out either. That didn't matter anyways, you were on a mission.
The whole thing was almost blurry and too quick, one second you were in front of him and the other you already had the upper hand on the fight. You noticed your strength matched his, so you took advantage of that. He wasn't really fighting back though, he was pulling his punches and holding back. You didn't understand why.
"What the hell are you doing Y/n?" He desperately asked, but you just punched him again.
His voice was extremely familiar, and who the hell was Y/n? The raspy voice in your head quickly blocked further thoughts, so you kicked the guy this time.
He tried to defend himself with some sort of web fluid, but you were quick to crush the devices on his wrist with your own hands.
"You need to stop, I don't know what's wrong with you" He said, trying to evade your hits, but you were quick.
You suddenly remembered a move and jumped on his shoulders, wrapping your legs around his neck and hitting his head with your elbows. You were sure someone had taught you that but couldn't remember who.
"Stop this! I don't want to hurt you" He begged, why didn't he just shut up?
He held up quite well to your attacks, but since he wasn't exactly defending himself his body was slowly giving up.
The rest of the fight was quick, the more you hit him the more the raspy voice repeated itself in your head. You felt high, your vision was blurry yet you kept fighting, as if you were a muppet and someone else was controlling your movements, punches and kicks.
You couldn't stop until you killed him.
"Y/n stop! please. You know who I am ... love please don't do this" The guy kept begging, was he crying? You couldn't tell since the mask covered his face.
Love? The more familiar the voice sounded, the more you pushed it to the back of your head. Couldn't he shut up? You sure as hell couldn't stop yourself.
You were sure you shot him at least once, or perhaps stabbed him? Maybe both. You didn't even know where the blood was coming from.
"This is not you" He panted, spitting blood on the floor and clutching his side. "I'm not gonna fight you"
"As you wish" You replies, your low voice gave him chills.
You finally threw him to the ground, his head hitting the floor with a loud thud. He was so weak, he could barely lift his arms to stop you from choking him.
Peter didn't even know how he got into this position, everything happened so quickly. Of course you had been on his lap before, but this time wasn't like the others.
This time you were choking the life out of him.
He was terrified, he could look straight into your eyes for the first time in the fight. They were void, angry, a red cast covered them as if you were some kind of murder machine.
What have they done to you, he thought.
If you had been a mere human with no superpowers he would've been fine, he would've been able to stop you the moment you threw your first punch at him. But you weren't just a human, you had super soldier serum running through your veins.
His arms ached, and even though he pushed you with all the strength he had left it wasn't enough to stop you. Getting up wasn't even an option, the fractures you had caused with your kicks made it impossible.
Peter was slowly losing consciousness, and for a second he regretted not defending himself. But he couldn't hurt you, ever. He knew he would die first before lifting a hand to hurt you.
He suddenly had an idea, his last hope to bring you back to your senses.
He took his mask off.
It seemed to work, you instantly let go of his neck, he coughed until he was able to breathe again. You lifted your fist as an instinct, but before you could do anything he spoke.
"Yo–you know who I am" His voice was raspy from the trauma on his throat. "Come on love, it's me Peter ... your Peter"
You held your fist in the air, panting heavily as you analyzed the details of his face. You were no longer seeing spiderman, the man you were sent to kill. He was just a boy.
And you knew him.
You slowly lowered your fist as your mind adjusted back to reality, your head began to hurt when racing thoughts and memories came back. You could finally remember your name, you realized who was your actual team, and who was the person you almost killed.
Peter Parker.
He watched your thought process carefully, he finally let out a sigh of relief when he saw your face change from I'm going to murder you to what the hell is going on, and felt a wash of relief when your eyes softened and the red disappeared. The raspy voice inside your head was finally gone now.
However, the relief only lasted a few seconds, as he saw your face ultimately change to what the fuck did I just do.
Peter wished one day he can forget this moment, right when he saw the life leave your eyes, even when you weren't the one bleeding out on the floor, even when you weren't the one dying.
At least not on the outside.
As you snapped back to reality you got up from his lap and walked a few steps back from his body, unconsciously lifting a hand to cover your mouth but stopped when you realized thick blood covered it.
"Oh my god" You sobbed quietly, the weak sound of your voice was hidden behind your own heart beat stumping in your ears.
Peter tried to speak, he wanted to say something to assure you it wasn't your fault but breathing was becoming a harder task, let alone getting words out of his mouth. He used what was left of his strength to barely lift his head to look at you. He tried his best to give you a tiny smile, one you almost confused as a sign of pain from how weak it was.
You weren't able to keep eye contact with him, your eyes darted through the room but soon realized you couldn't keep looking at the place covered in blood and destruction either. When you looked Peter again you noticed he wasn't conscious anymore, and finally came back to your senses as if someone had slapped you in the face.
You needed to get help.
You realized how your comms had been deactivated, and as soon as you turned them on again you heard your teammates casually banter as they kicked ass like they used to every mission, completely oblivious to what happened.
"To–Tony" You called out, but your raspy voice wasn't loud enough and they kept bickering. You cleared your throat, taking a big breath to prevent your voice from shaking again. "Tony I need help, Peter is— Peter is down"
The whole team fell in silence, some punches and grunts could still be heard but even though the comms you could feel the tension building.
"I'm on my way" Tony's low tone made you shiver.
You walked further from Peter and waited in a corner of the room, looking expectantly at the window for Tony's arrival. A part of you wanted to hold Peter in your arms, but you were stuck on your feet as you were afraid to hurt him even more.
You couldn't get close to him, what if you hurt him again? The only thing that kept you from completely losing it was FRIDAY's reassurance that Peter's heart was still beating.
It didn't take long before Tony reached your location, the sound of his repulsors landing harshly next to Peter's body startled you, and he wasted no time in making questions as FRIDAY scanned him.
"What the hell happened here?" He asked, but you stayed silent in your position.
He was worried, how could he not be? His pupil was dying in his arms and his girlfriend was paralyzed in the other side of the room. He couldn't even understand why the hell were you standing so far away.
Before he could ask you Natasha made her appearance in the room, eyes quickly scanning the situation until they landed on your shaking figure.
You nervously hid your hands behind your back, you were scared to face the consequences of your actions.
You were ashamed.
"I'm so sorry" You couldn't contain the sobs anymore, shaking your head in denial like a terrified child waiting for punishment.
Tony was overwhelmed by how hurt Peter was and trying to patch him up before he bled out, so he couldn't understand why you would apologize for something like this.
But Natasha paid more attention, she noticed how you kept your bloody hands hidden, yet you forgot about the blood that stained your face. Of course she noticed Peter's wounds were common injuries in enemies you confronted, and even those never ended as badly because you tended to have mercy.
Yet none of that was enough to keep Peter safe.
It took only a matter of seconds for the trained spy to realize what happened, and she was a master in masking her reactions and emotions, but this time she couldn't keep herself from gasping in shock.
She took a step towards you, but she quickly was stopped by Wanda's hand. The latter had just arrived with Steve, and she didn't only know what happened.
She could see the images replaying over and over again in your head. So she walked towards you instead of Natasha, and only shushed you when you tried to explain yourself.
She has never been mind controlled, but she had been the one controlling other people, and she understood how vile and destructive it could be. So she could only hold your weak body breaking down in her arms, trying to block herself from the horrible images in your head.
As she walked with you to the jet she felt almost tired from the energy irradiating your body, as hard as she tried to not lurk through your thoughts she couldn't help but feel how miserable you felt.
You wished it was you dying instead of Peter.
So she knew it was best to send you to sleep through the whole ride home, and made sure you had only good dreams.
At least you could be happy in your sleep.
The ride home was silent, apart from the sudden noises the machine that registered Peter's heartbeat made every once in a while. The avengers were shocked, HYDRA had hurt the youngest members of the team, the purest and whatnot, and it happened right under their noses.
Tony beat himself up the whole trip, he had failed both of you, all his fancy systems and technology couldn't keep you safe.
The next days in the compound were hell to everyone. Even though Peter was having an excellent recovery due to his healing abilities, the progress was only physical.
He wanted to see you from the moment he woke up surrounded by doctors. He knew it wasn't your fault, he didn't blame you. He could never.
So he cried and begged to see you, but Tony wouldn't allow him. He knew you needed space, he knew how bad it would affect you to see Peter's injures. So he made him wait, at least until the the fractures healed and the bruises faded from purple to a faint yellow.
Until he didn't limp anymore.
And you? You were a mess. From the moment you arrived the compound you were put through multiple tests to find out what was wrong with you, but nothing showed up. Whatever HYDRA had done to you was momentarily, it left no traces and you were "fine".
Except nothing was fine, you couldn't trust yourself, not after what you did. So you isolated yourself, moved to a room as far away from everyone as possible. And they all knew not to bother you.
Almost the whole team had been through mind control at one point, they knew it took time to heal.
After a few days – that felt like eternity – Peter was finally allowed to go see you, although Tony made sure to warn him there was no guarantees you would even open the door to him.
Peter was more than nervous, his fingers fiddled together as he waited outside your isolation room. It took him time to gather up the courage and a big breath before knocking the door.
You knew Peter was outside from the moment he arrived, his hesitation made you wish he would just turn around and leave, but the knock on the door told you otherwise. You sat down in your bed and hugged your legs, laying your head on your knees.
"Y/n, it's me" He said softly, you just listened carefully on the other side of the door. "Can –can I come in? Please, I need to see you" He sighed deeply when he got no answer, but he wasn't doing to leave.
His voice was brittle, weak. Just like that day when he took off his mask and told you to stop. You shook your head in an attempt to keep the haunted memories away, and buried yourself more in your position.
You heard shuffling on the outside but he didn't leave, you guessed he sat down on the floor. You could almost picture him in your head, almost in the same position you were except he was probably messing up his hair, a habit he had when stressed.
Peter replayed the events over and over in his head. As much as he hated to admit it, you had been starring every nightmare he had since that day. He felt extremely guilty as well, he knew it was wrong to leave you alone in that hydra building. In every mission he was always by your side, but this time you insisted you were fine and you would collect the data yourself. You should've never parted ways.
You sighed, you knew he wasn't going to leave any time soon and you were just prolonging your suffering. Maybe if you just let him in for a moment and avoided him he would leave sooner.
Peter quickly got up after hearing you tell FRIDAY to open the door, and he took a deep breath before entering the room. The first thing he saw was you sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at your hands to avoid eye contact with him.
Of course you couldn't look at him, you were afraid to see him laying on the floor bleeding out just like you did days ago.
He stood by the door, afraid to come closer without your approval.
"How are you?" He mentally slapped himself as soon as the words came out, it was stupid question. He was just eager to talk to you. "I ... I'm fine– I mean, everything has almost healed" He felt stupid once again, he wasn't sure if what he was saying was what you wanted to hear.
And it apparently wasn't since you didn't answer, you just kept staring at your hands motionless.
"Love please, I need you to talk to me" He pleaded, his eyes starting to water. He unconsciously stepped forward to reach you but was instantly stopped by your harsh voice.
"Don't come closer, please" You pleaded too, fixing your eyes on the floor.
When Peter heard your voice he felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown over him. There was no warmth, no emotion, no love.
Just like your eyes that day.
"Alright, I want you to listen to me then" He said firmly this time, he was exasperated. "You know it wasn't your fault, whatever they did to you, you're not responsible for that" He began, softer tone this time. "I wish I could make you understand I don't blame you for this, I love you. I still do, I promise"
You finally lifted your head for your bloodshot eyes to meet his. Your heart skipped a beat when you saw his appearance. He did look better than that day, not as swollen and certainly not covered in blood anymore. But there were still bruises scattered through his body, faded out but you could only imagine how they looked before they did. And his eyes? You had never seen him so heartbroken before.
"How could you let me do something like this?" You finally broke the silence, biting the inside of your cheeks to keep you from sobbing.
You didn't mean to blame him, that wasn't your intention even though your words came out harsher than you wished.
But he could've done something. Anything.
"What?" He frowned, that wasn't the response he was expecting from you.
"You could've stopped me, you are strong enough to do it" You said getting up from the bed, all the anger and pain you kept inside was finally coming out. "Why didn't you stop me!?"
"I–I tried, but you wouldn't listen to me" Peter couldn't help but get defensive too. "If I tried any harder I would've hurt you"
"I wouldn't have cared even if you killed me!" Your voice finally gave up and you broke down in sobs, covering your face in your hands.
Your yell startled Peter, and as much as he wanted to hug you he still respected the boundaries you had given him when you let him in. He took a deep breath and exasperatedly ran a hand though his hair, he didn't want to fight you, that's the last thing he wanted.
So instead of yelling back he softened his voice. "I would. I would have cared as much as you care about almost killing me"
You wiped your eyes to look at him again, and you noticed how bad he was restraining himself in his position.
"You can't say shit like that" He continued, trying control his brittle voice. "What happened to you is not fair, for any of us. I'm so sorry I didn't try harder to stop you, but I can't even bring myself to playfully hit your arm, let alone fighting you. Why do you think we never train together? I can't hurt you, I would never want that" He explained himself, sniffling after finishing his sentence.
"But I hurt you"
"You could never hurt me, not on purpose, I know that" He sighed shaking his head, there was only one way to change your mind.
He stepped forward once again, and even though you put your hands in front of your body to stop him, he kept walking this time.
"No no Peter– please don't" You stepped back but stumbled with the bed and couldn't back off anymore.
He gently took your hands and softly caressed them with his thumbs, trying his best to give you a smile.
"Hey hey, it's okay" He reassured you as if he was talking to a baby. "See? Your hands are not hurting me love, I know they won't" He said, you hesitated for a second but you had missed him more than anything, so you couldn't help yourself from jumping into his arms.
"I'm so sorry Peter" You sobbed in his chest as he finally engulfed you into a hug, his warm torso somehow bringing you the comfort you've needed the past days.
"I know" He sobbed too, and planted a kiss on your head. "I'm sorry too"
You broke the distance from the hug just enough to look at him. As he stared back at your teary eyes, he could finally see how broken your soul was.
"Do you really still love me? After what I did I–" You were interrupted by his lips on yours.
The kiss was salty, desperate. Filled with emotion and pain from two broken souls that deserved better. When the kiss was over you genuinely smiled for the first time again, and Peter couldn't help but giggle too.
"Come on, let's heal together love"
Tags (if you want to be added/removed let me know)
@geeksareunique @princessdancingonthesunshine @lyrxbz @spideygirl2003 @parkerpeter24 @calledthechildanya
