phantom dick has been really strong lately and i'm pretty sure it's because i keep having dreams about getting my dick sucked, and my meds give me really vivid dreams that at times make it hard to tell if i'm awake unless something really bizarre happens. in the dream, i can clearly see the details of this dick, i can feel the tongue and teeth—the mouth is kind of clumsy but earnest. it's not someone specific and it's not someone i think i know or don't know, there's no qualities about this person other than mouth on my dick and hands on my thighs. and i'm annoyed at myself, because my dream!dick is stupid big and thick, unrealistic porn proportions with matching balls, and there's no reason for me to think it'd be like that if i had been born with one. it just seems like unnecessary ego. and then the like. dissonance. when i wake up and go to do something and get startled by the lack of something down there. makes it so i can't stop THINKING about the dick sucking dream. and i do miss sex, but not in a "i want to touch genitals" way but in a "i look and feel good covered in bruises and bitemarks" way and a "i miss feeling close to someone and the energy release" way. but like. i DON'T like the idea of anyone touching the current genital situation i have, and i don't know how or even if it'd change if i was on T or got phallo. but for like 2.5 weeks now all i can think about is this dick i don't actually have.
