Actually, Erik’s thoughts.
So many memories haunt me, memories that reinforce a painful truth I have tried to endlessly to overcome. Though I have tried to shut them out, to cleanse my mind of such human, such earthly weakness I find that I cannot. I find that no matter what I do, how many skills I master or the number of things I accomplish, nothing matters. For I am me- I shall always be such that this world cannot accept… cannot love. Over the years I have tried to distract myself from these memories and that truth that haunts me. The morphine dulled the pain; as was it’s purpose, but it was only a temporary solution, a masking. Sometimes the memories that so haunted me would seep through the self-created delirium; sometimes I would find myself locked inside them, unable to surface… sinking… drowning.
The killings made it worse, with every murder I found myself drifting further and further away from myself, falling deeper into that never-ending abyss of self-loathing…Lost…
Underneath the facade that I have created for myself, I am but a man…
A man who feels and thinks and yearns… and loves…
Is there a way to absolve myself of these years of sinning? Is there still hope for someone like me? Someone who was not born evil but is no more than a product of a world that has shown him nothing but cruelty and hate? Have I spiralled too far? … them, the world, those people; they have made me who I am; this angel, this demon, this man who, as much he denies the need for love, compassion and kindness, burns for them night and day.
Sometimes I can barely breathe for the weight on my chest is so great; the short sleeps that I am able to achieve are almost always interrupted by nightmares of what I have done or what has been done to me. I wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for air, reaching for something in the darkness that is not quite there; that never will be.
Each day this feeling of suffocation intensifies. My life has always felt as though it were building up to something catastrophic; gathering momentum like an avalanche, volcano or tidal wave. I cannot say when this disaster will reach absolution, all I can say is that I cannot live in this state very much longer; I fear that I won’t- I’ve never felt like I would be alive very long, it seems a sin having been born in the first place.
Perhaps I could have achieved something great, perhaps my talents were meant to be used towards something magnificent besides this embellished tomb I have created for myself; but at least there is this, something, something to show for myself, my legacy. Although for hundreds of years to come those who enter it will not know my name, who I am, or that I even existed; I will know. I hope those who experience it in 200 years time are impressed, and I hope that it is not demolished for it is all that remains of me, all that remains of the poor excuse for a man whom no one could love, no one could see. I’ve no doubt that in years to come I will be forgotten, the few who knew of me will die as will those who knew them, the story of the Opera Ghost; of Erik, will be all but lost; maybe nothing more than a ghost story or superstition. I suppose that is rather fitting…
I suppose that Christine Daae is my legacy also, I don’t doubt that I put her through a lot in the end but surely she will retain some of the knowledge she allowed me to share with her. Surely she will retain some of the affection she felt for me… if any at all. Surely she will not forget me so easily and when her children and grand children ask her where she learned it all, she will think fondly of me and tell them of her tutor. I have so many hopes for that perfect, perfect woman. I hope that I was of some help to her, I hope that she remembers me as her Angel of Music, as her tutor and not as I was in the end… I hope that above all else that she continues with her music, if nothing else that will be legacy enough.
It was foolish to think that I could make her love me, when I was so incomplete myself. Foolish to think that I could cover up so much pain, so much evil with something as perfect and as good, as pure as her.
I loved her more than I could bear it, and It seemed I loved her more than my weak heart could bear it also. Surely it was not accustomed to being so full, experiencing that much feeling; it could not bear the weight. No matter, a life with love is a complete life, isn’t it? Even if that love was not returned? I do not blame Christine for her actions, for her choices. What sort of angel would I be if I did? What sort of man would I be? I wish her more happiness that I know how to comprehend and can accept her choice because I knew that she would not find that with me. My love for Christine was surely the catalyst I was speaking of, the volcano erupted, the tidal wave crashed upon me and now the pain in my chest is constant.
I feel as though my weak heart is soon to give up; surely it is as tired as I am of this farcical life of mine. I feel as though I have tasted enough of this world and I am ready to leave it behind, I have tasted hate so strong that it drove me underground, tasted love so powerful that it has ended me. I am tired… just tired of that which I have spent years trying to overcome and I have nothing left. No love, no hate, no juvenile need for acceptance. I am ready. I find now that I am at my end, I have made peace with the world, made peace with this face of mine that predetermined the path I was to follow before I was ever able to open my eyes.