#philly:task001

[nathangarrett]

TASK 001: Father can you hear me?

tw: homophobic slurs

The heat definitely wasn’t Nathan’s favorite thing in the world. He’d always preferred the winter over the summer time, mostly because it seemed a little less depressing to be staying inside when the biting cold seemed like a worse option to being all cozy on your couch while the snow fell outside of a window. With the weather being all nice and sunny and everyone enjoying the rays of sunshine on their tan bodies, he enjoyed the mild summer nights a lot more. Those where he could just sit by the window with some music playing in the background while he had a smoke before bed.

It had been a busy night at work and coming home at 4 am really wasn’t anything new to Nathan but it was never any less exhausting. Right now though, freshly showered and enjoying the bit of wind blowing through his drying curls, it all didn’t seem so bad. He cherished moments like these the most. When his mind was close to being blank and time seemed to stand still and even the loudest city had become a lot quieter during this time of the night. A sigh escaped the male when he flicked off a bit of ash that had formed on the tip of his cigarette before he brought it back up, taking a long drag as he closed his eyes and exhaled it slowly into the crisp night air. He’d been meaning to quit for ages, weeks, months really but ultimately, he couldn’t find a good enough reason to do it. It was a silly thought but sometimes he wondered if he’d even talk to anyone outside of his workplace if it wasn’t for the cigarettes considering the handful of conversations he’d had because of asking for a light or being asked for a cigarette from his pack. Human interaction had always been hard for him but now that he’d been living in Philly for a while, it seemed to get easier the more people he met.

From then on, his thoughts continued to race. There was always a sense of dread deep within him when Father’s Day was just around the corner anyways and the longer he sat, the more time he spent thinking. Granted, it didn’t hurt him as much as it used to anymore but he couldn’t help and wonder what it was like to have a father figure he could look up to. His childhood hadn’t been the worst but it had always lacked a sense of warmth and security – Nathan had been constantly worried about whether or not his parents would approve of his actions until he simply gave up on wanting to please them, which only seemed to make things worse. While his mother had at least tried to keep in touch with him, his father hadn’t talked to him for almost half of his life now and the realization was enough to make Nathan huff and take another long drag, letting the smoke fill his lungs as he closed his eyes for a moment, willing these thoughts to pass but for as long as they remained, he allowed himself to feel the impact they had on him.

It hurt.

Even after all those years, it still hurt. The realization that his father had never taught him a damn thing, never really showed affection for him, that he’d merely been his producer so to speak, hit him hard. Yet he’d never failed to make Nathan feel bad for the time, the money and effort he’d wasted on him – “just to raise a faggot for a son, a sissy who couldn’t get anything right and brings nothing but shame over this family”.

Nathan swallowed thickly, ignoring the burning sensation behind his eyes that he angrily blinked away. He could still hear those words, the way they’d spilled from his father’s lips so effortlessly – as if he’d truly never cared about him.

Now that he was thinking about it after all, there had been one thing he’d learned from his father and as much as he hated to admit it, he still fell into his old ways far too easily. He’d taught him early on what it meant to be a man. That boys don’t cry. Even today Nathan tried his best to break his habits, to talk when something was weighing down on him and to allow himself to feel the way he felt. To show weakness when he wasn’t feeling strong.

It had been a long journey but seventeen long years on, he finally felt like he was getting somewhere.

He’d made friends. He’d loved and lost and he’d allowed himself to be vulnerable. Was he comfortable with it? Not always but if there was one thing he was sure of, it was that if he’d ever get the chance to raise a son of his own, he’d never want to be as cold as his father was.

Sometimes he couldn’t help but worry about the what ifs, whether he was like his father or not and if maybe he’d inherited his ways. Merely the idea freaked him out.

With another deep sigh, Nathan finished his cigarette, took in a last deep breath and got up from where he’d been sitting by the window to close it. The next day would be hard, he was sure of it but deep down he knew it was better this way. His father was the definition of toxic masculinity and Nathan was doing his best to be anything but that and keep it out of his life. Whether he succeeded or not, he wasn’t sure but he knew that if one day the right person came along, he’d do anything in his power to be a dad worth celebrating. A father figure a child could look up to.

He dragged a lazy hand through his unruly hair, shaking his head as if to shake off those late night feelings that had so randomly occupied his mind in an attempt to remember that none of this mattered now. He’d grown up to be his own person and was merely doing his best – it was the least he could do and before heading to bed Nathan reminded himself that on this Father’s Day, just like the years before, he wasn’t celebrating his own father anyways but should be celebrating all the fathers he knew who did a much better job instead – the job they were supposed to do.

To love their child unconditionally.

[abel-thomas]

                    FATHER’S DAY... MOTHER’S DAY 2.0?

Debra Thomas did on her own. When she was pregnant with Abel, Michael, Abel’s Father, was shipped overseas to serve his country proudly in a final tour before settling into his new family. There were times that Abel didn’t understand why his father wasn’t around, but he always understood that his father was a hero. Growing up, it was hard at times not having a father when everyone else around him had one. He didn’t get the luxury of playing catch with a father or doing whatever it was that other kids did with their father. His mother was too busy with her shop to get him to sporting events, and therefore he took up another hobby that helped him feel a little closer to his father.

His mother did everything on her own, but she never let Abel forget the memory of his father. His middle name is Michael which stands as a solid reminder of where he came from. Every Father’s Day, Abel’s mother would be sure to take him to the military cemetery where his father is buried. Each year, it was Abel’s choice on what color flowers they’d plant, which he usually went with a royal blue.

When he was eight, his mother gave him an old guitar that had belonged to his father. To his own surprise, playing came easy. At first, it was nothing more than a hobby he enjoyed in the safety of his room, but as he aged, he got more serious about his music. He wanted to make his mother proud and he wanted to do right by his father and that beat up guitar.

Father’s Day is important to Abel because it helps him remember where he started. He still visits his dad at the cemetery on Father’s Day and is always accompanied by royal blue roses, sometimes paired with red and white. Father’s Day is a time to remember his dad, but is also a time to remember the fact that his mother played both roles.

As for his own son that he recently learned about, this is his first Father’s Day knowing he’s a father, or was? He can’t help but wonder if his son is being taken care of the way he should be, but there’s nothing he can do about it now. He trusts that Monika made the right decision, even if part of him wonders what life could’ve been like had she asked him to stay. One day he wants to be a father though and he wants to do it right and one day he will be.

[monikahalston]

                      task one ⏤ father can you hear me?

          Father’s Day.

          It used to be a mystery to Monika. 

          How does someone with two mothers celebrate such an occasion?

          When you’re a child, holidays are exciting times. They’re filled with visual joys ⏤ balloons, confetti and glitter ⏤ and bring with them the excitement of giving or receiving a gift. From as young as kindergarten, Monika can remember sitting among her classmates with craft supplies littered about the table, watching on as they decorated construction paper ties with vigor, her own blank cutout a daunting canvas. “You can give it to one of your uncles!” would become the most common piece of advice given by her educators over the years as the Father’s Day cards became more complicated by design and the questioning stares of her peers grew more insistent. The stares were eventually vocalized.

          Children are curious, but they can also be cruel. And that’s precisely why she’s become attentive to the language she uses in her own classroom. Her experiences as the daughter of two loving women have shaped the way she addresses discussions of family with her students, and the way that they collectively honor the parents, guardians and role models in their lives when holidays roll around.

          They’ve also influenced her own ideas of parenthood. Father’s Day, not unlike Mother’s Day, evokes bittersweet memories of the birth of her son, who was placed with doting adoptive parents, and the man who had unknowingly fathered him. Disclosing the details of her pregnancy and the adoption to Abel was a long and painful process, especially as it came on the heels of their reunion, but she’s thankful for it as it allowed them to heal together. While Monika is unsure what the future holds for her, she hopes to be a mother someday and pass on the notion to her child(ren) that families all look different, and that one is not incomplete without a father.

[cassandraxwilson]

“I learned so much just from watching my dad be the man he is. He always has a kind word for everyone, advice when you need it the most, and a smile to brighten your day. He will always be my first love, my biggest fan, and the cheesiest joker ever. No matter how old I get, I’ll always need my dad.”