#phoenix muses

[exclusionzoneocs]

what would you do on a hatedate? ive only got one confirmed pitch ship rn but still im curious

[exclusionzoneocs]

I decided I wanted to do inktober (even if I am 4 days late but here's yesterday's!!!) the theme was hornswap and im doing the deltar sisters for this month bc I couldn't pick which troll :p

[exclusionzoneocs]

- Vi and Roseli started going to raves when Roseli turned 9 - they both fell in love with the atmosphere and go at least once a month even after Roseli becomes Empress. - Violet met her first ever matesprit at a rave, he was a non clown purpleblood who she danced with and became close with. He was eventually culled and Vi killed the one who murdered him. She didn't meet Odi, Padami or Qetesh till around four years later when she was twelve sweeps. - When they go to raves Violet uses a spell Lillan taught her to make herself have grey skin and yellow eyes like other trolls temporarily, the spell lasts for 24 hours so she has had a few one-day stands with various castes. - Violet cannot get drunk and pretty much no substances affect her so she is the sober one. Roseli occasionally drinks but never enough to incapacitate herself. - Violet is actually really good at hiphop dancing and she loves the music and dance of raves tbh

[phoenix-firemage]

so after a day of being harshly called out (not here) and doing a good bit of reading to try and learn, i'm feeling a bit wrung-out and also confused.

as a pretty run of the mill Certified White Person, who has no idea of her family history beyond "great-grandmother's maiden name was German", i'm left feeling a little lost about "me" and what that means for what i believe and understand about the world.

i have resonated quite a while with Buddhist teachings, but as i am not Indian, i've learned that is not meant for me. same thing with yoga, really.

i found a lot to really feel "right" within aspects of Paganism - reverence for Mother Earth, power of crystals, smoke cleansing. but i've been informed that what i knew to be "paganism" is "neopaganism" and it almost entirely appropriated from native cultures around the world. since i am not a member of any indigenous tribe, this is not meant for me.

wiccanism - similar to paganism, in that what i thought i knew and understood is incorrect and it is a closed religion, which i am not a part of, therefore it is not for me.

even my username incorporating the phoenix - originating in Egypt, going to Greek. i'm neither Egyptian nor Greek - that really isn't for me, either.

and so on.

i get it, and i'm fine with that; cultural appropriation is super uncool and i don't want to do that!

but i'm also kind of left feeling like the only thing i have that IS "for" me is Christianity, which is a long-sailed ship of nope lol. so like... what *is* there out there for me? how do i even go about figuring that out?

[mercedesphoenix]

2020 is treating me so well.

The 10s for me were spent in hibernation. I started out awkward, unsure. I thought I reached “perfection” in the middle of the decade, but it was really a society-driven image of what I thought I should be. It was controlling. It was tiring. And when I couldn’t keep it up anymore, I crashed and burned so hard that it consumed the rest of my decade. To the outside, I looked fine, though; I accomplished enough that others would call me “high achieving,” I got 2.75 degrees (will be 3 this May). I still seemed “put together.” The only hint might’ve been the change in appearance or the look in my eyes— if someone were to really analyze the scant pictures there are of me from 2016-2019.

But in the 3 weeks of the 20s so far, I’ve already grown so much: professionally, thanks to my (unfortunately) unpaid internship, but ESPECIALLY personally. I’ve had so many epiphanies about who I am, some of which I may retell here later in the hopes it’ll help others. I used to hate who I was in the 10s— I thought I was spending year after year wasting my time. But those setbacks, do-overs, years of going nowhere (wrt personal growth) ... I needed them. I wouldn’t have able to get to this place if every single one of those experiences hadn’t happened. And now they get to be pieced of my Unlockable Traumatic Backstory, which is always a plus.

I’m taking more pictures of myself, and the world in general. I’m more confident in who I am and what I believe. Considering the course of my internship so far + my anxious/neurotic (using that term literally here) history, I should be a mess right now. But I’m not, and I’m... happier than I’ve been in a long time?

This is the decade I live up to my name. This is the era of the Phoenix.

[messyheadspacemusings]

I’m not sure if I have a little space or if there’s been someone sneaking around who’s a little. It’s not Alex, even though he’ll engage in childish things. 

Current suspicions:

Isaac has a little space

Phoenix has a little space

Alex age regresses more than we realized

Someone is around and has been around for a while who is a little

...Now how the fuck are we supposed to figure it out? Reading around on DID/system blogs is helping us realize stuff about the headspace but everything is also kind of a mess right now with the breakup...

Lots of people are in pain and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. Few people wrote goodbye letters a while ago, but I thought it’d be ok...

[exclusionzoneocs]

Roseli's main theme song is Monster by Paramore - it perfectly describes her anger against the world and how she hates those who take advantage of the way things are to fuck over people. When she says "Now that you're gone, the world is ours" it means to her that once Cheski is killed, she and her siblings are free to fight

[exclusionzoneocs]

@chainbreak-trolls @twinkocs Vi’s halloween outfit was loosely based off of 16th century Tudor nobles’ clothing.