#pink tote

[pinkwishlist]

Victoria Secret Signature Canvas Tote

[franticfledermaus]

Pink Tote Discussion: My Personal Experience with Parental Trauma

I've been seeing a lot of "pink tote lid" moments* on TikTok today and it has given me pause to think about the things I've experienced with my own parents. My parents and I are, for the most part, on at least somewhat better terms now, but they're still bullies and it doesn't erase the experiences I had as a child.

*For those unaware, pink tote lid refers to a TikTok video where an individual recounts their experience with emotional abuse from their parents, wherein the mother screams at their child because she wanted them to get the pink tote lids out of the bathroom.

Trauma manifests in many different ways, and it can be hard for an individual to tell what exactly their trauma stems from. In my case, the main issue with identifying my trauma was the fact that I have memory issues. It's a vicious cycle — Between having ADHD and mental illness, my memory is very poor. That coupled with the fact that as you grow with little perspective of what others' upbringings are like, you grow comfortable in the idea that it's just normal behavior.

For the longest time when I was a child, I had an issue with food insecurity.

I don't know the true source, but my guess is that I wasn't fed enough. My family members tell me that I was being fed constantly, but then again, they are also responsible for my trauma. Not exactly reliable to my narrative. I remember that I often ate small amounts, but very frequently. I couldn't stomach a full meal, and instead liked snacking throughout the day.

My parents... Did not like this. I remember being hungry rather often because they didn't want to accommodate my appetite needs. Perhaps this is the reason I started food hoarding.

I think this behavior started around when I was five years old. I would sneak out of bed during the night or early morning and raid the fridge as well as the cabinets, often taking sugary snacks back to my room. Sometimes I would pick dried scraps from dinner off of the stove. I would discard the wrappers and containers under my bed or behind my dresser. When I was caught, I would get a beating. Eventually, they started locking the fridge and cabinets.

At one point, they locked me in my room for the night so that I could not sneak food again. When I woke the next morning, I had to pee very badly. I banged on the door for what felt like hours — My parents slept at the other end of the house. They couldn't hear me. If they did, they didn't care. I banged, and banged, and called. Finally, I couldn't hold it any longer. I ended up wetting myself because they had locked me in my room. I don't think I got a beating that time, but I was yelled at.

I was beaten once because I was suspected of eating a container of leftover sauteed mushrooms from the fridge. I hadn't. I tried to convince my mother of this, and she refused to believe me. I got the belt for it. Only later did my mother realize that my father ate them. She did not apologize to me.

Sometimes, I think to myself that I was not abused. And perhaps I wasn't. But man, sometimes it doesn't feel like my parents wanted me at all.

[avelina-directioner-mara-world]

Ted Baker Deanna Peach Blossom Crosshatch Small Tote ❤ liked on Polyvore (see more flower totes)

[mabelwilliams]

alexa chung for madewell eyes eyes eyes pouch ❤ liked on Polyvore (see more handbags clutches)

[tugglekiara]

Tote bag ❤ liked on Polyvore (see more pink tote purses)

[brianna-yesss]

Prada Saffiano Lux Double-Zip Tote Bag ❤ liked on Polyvore (see more detachable key rings)

[aloneattheedgeofauniverse]

my pink tote moment is when I went home upset to my mom because my dad did something to me, i don’t completely remember. she told me to write out my feelings in my notes app on my brand new IPod touch, and be as brutal as i wanted, as long as it made me feel better. the next time i was at my dads, he went through my ipod, and found the note. he took my ipod and showed the note to the entire house (it was a family of 6 including myself.) he called me down from my room, and had everyone in the house give their opinions on it. he told me I wasn’t a real part of the family until I could learn to act right, despite the fact that i am his only biological daughter. i went home crying to my mom. now, he denies that it ever happened and acts like he doesn’t remember. but i do, and so does my mom. i was 7.

[capric0rn]

pink tote bag 🎀