#pirate-themed

[taobaopluskawaii]

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[howtohero]

#007 Team-Ups

Superheroing can be a lonely endeavor. Long nights alone, patrolling the streets, busting skulls, taking names, stargazing, other superhero stuff. It’s no surprise then that superheroes have been known to join forces with other like-minded do-gooders. Having another superhero around means having someone to watch your back, someone to trade witty banter with, someone to stay up late with you tracing new constellations in the stars.

To be clear, I am by no means advocating taking on a child sidekick (*sigh*). Under no circumstances should you have a child or teenage sidekick, even a really clever one who cracks wise. Not your son. Not the local homeless acrobatic orphan. Not your kid nephew that your sister pays you to hang out with because he’s a little socially awkward and doesn’t have a lot of friends and for whatever reason she thinks the grown man that runs around in costume punching other grown men who are also sometimes in costume will be a good influence on him. No teenage sidekicks. At all. None. Not allowed. Onay Ennagetay Idekickssay. The reason for this is simple. Bringing a teenager to fight crime with you is just an incredibly boneheaded thing to do. Like, come on, I shouldn’t need to spell this out. What if they get kidnapped? Have you thought about that? Are you gonna negotiate with terrorists to get the child you willfully endangered back? I certainly hope so bucko! Why would you even want a child out there with you anyway? What help is a child going to be? What if they get injured? How do you even explain that to a doctor? “Uh yeah, he tripped… and as he was falling he cut his face… on a pirate themed villain’s hook hand… which just kind of appeared out of nowhere, it was crazy, anyway, you never saw me!” A child is literally the worst thing to bring to a gun fight. Even worse than knives. [Don’t bring a child to a knife fight either.] If you’re going to insist on having a teenage sidekick for, I dunno, publicity reasons? The focus groups made it sound like a good idea? Whatevers. They need to stay in the base. They can be like mission control or something. Or even better, give them a fake job and title. All the important superhero support jobs can be done better by adults and I feel like you know that so why are we even having this conversation?

It is far better to work with another fully-grown-pays-their-own-bills-and-everything adult. Just don’t try calling them your sidekick though. Adult people hate being called sidekicks. This is just scientific fact. It’s rude. You should never be rude to another superhero. It’s important to always be cooperative with one another. Not only because lives are most likely at stake, but also because you have literally no moral high ground over them. You both look ridiculous and you’re both saving lives so you have no right to be a butt.

When approaching another superhero to work with you it’s important not to seem too eager about it. Beat around the bush, play hard to get. Suggest a casual team up, a one-off superpower hour adventure. Eventually maybe the two of you will be able to work your way up to the point of fighting each other’s nemeses or revealing your secret identities to one another. But until then just appreciate the company of having someone by your side as you foil bank heists and prevent bad guys from carving their faces into the moon. (Really if we would just all sit down as a planet and agree on a face to carve into the moon I bet people would stop trying to carve their own into what is essentially a giant blank space canvas.)

You can’t just pick any superhero to approach for a team-up. I mean sure, in an emergency situation just grab the nearest costumed super-fella, but if you have the time it’s important to do some research. You’re going to want to join forces with someone who operates under a similar code as you. If you’re one of those no-killing heroes, find someone who also avoids brutally murdering criminals. If you’re one of those leave-no-survivors heroes, then you should turn yourself into the police! Murder isn’t cool yo! Nah, but seriously, find someone who will gleefully murder criminals with you. You do you. And remember superhero team-ups aren’t lifetime commitments, if you don’t enjoy working with a hero all you need to do is fake your death and completely reinvent yourself, new costume, new name, maybe some tinted contact lenses, a voice changer… Anyway, you’ll never have to work with the guy or gal again!

It’s probably best to avoid forming long-term large superhero teams. Sure for the occasional world-threatening crisis or alien invasion or massive supervillain alliance then yeah, get a bunch of heroes together and get your group world-saving on. But on a day to day basis it’s better to break off into pairs or at most groups of three (or maybe four, four is a pretty fantastic number). The last thing the world needs is for all of the world’s heroes to be taken out by a single attack because they all live together in one building or something. Supervillains are famous for building giant-building-destroying lasers. And do you know what giant-building-destroying lasers are famous for doing? Destroying buildings! Obviously! So avoid that.

Once you’ve found the perfect partner-in-crime-fighting you’re sure to enjoy your day-to-day criminal beating activities a helluva a lot more. Plus just imagine how efficient you’ll be? I had my crack-team of super-accountants crunch the numbers and guess what? It turns out four fists are better than two so get out there and start super-teaming up! And remember, no child sidekicks.

[taobaopluskawaii]

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[widely-ranging]

The pirate-themed table-top RPG campaign I’m in is currently embroiled in politics and whole-world saving; and the only piratey thing we’re doing is collecting small orphans.

[xenianova]

Interior Design: Pirate-themed CT scanner in NY's hospital

Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital of New York-Presbyterian:

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