different ways to say ‘i love you’ | not accepting
It’s not that he didn’t trust the others to see his grief when it sprung up when things were slow and quiet. With peace and an ease of mind for everyone else turmoil set in, anguish engulfing him like a flame burning out of control with a merciless appetite. He just didn’t want to weigh his trusted companions down and to show them the person they were used to and needed. It was a show of strength for them and so they wouldn’t have to worry about him.
Nevermind that some things triggered visions that bore down to crush him and lock him in place to freeze at times he wasn’t expecting them. Luffy hated and cursed those moments just as much as he feared them considering how unpredictable they could be.
Sprawled out on the deck with all the stars in view over his head, he could only think of Ace. Another brother lost by fire when all they were trying to do was be free as the sea they sailed out on all for the sake of adventure. Hands clenched into fists, fingers digging deep into his palms as his gaze shifted from the sky to the star trapped on the Earth “…Shou…” Pale hair reminiscent of silver and a golden gaze; just the way he remembered it to be ever since they were kids. Here she was, the last one left with him from past days spent with the glamour and recklessness of youth. Everything could be shared with her, she understood and knew all his feelings on the matter because now they only had each other when it came to this.
“Your hair— it’s different than it used to be, I like it.” A small smile for a moment before biting his lip in frustration, Luffy watched as she bent down to sit by his side while he became a sniffling mess. Regrettable. Luffy felt that he had only let her down as well when he couldn’t even save the person they both cared about. Shou and Ace had been around through thick and thin through his life and he couldn’t even repay such a thing by keeping them from harm.
Swallowing hard tears ran loose and wouldn’t stop as his breathing picked up uncomfortably to the point of making it hard to just breathe. “I–!!!” it hurt, his chest! “-messed up–” previously balled fists dug into the deck and grasped at his chest as ragged breaths filled the spaces between all the words he said. “I failed you, I couldn’t do it, couldn’t save—” Her words were meant to comfort, but he just couldn’t muster such an action right now as he only spiralled further.
Choked out sobs during his panic as he felt himself shutting down just like he had at Marineford “Shou ACE!!!!! I’m sorry, I was so weak!!!” Luffy struggled to say anything else but only jumbled sounds came from his mouth as he saw it all over again in full detail like it was another nightmare. Scents of burning flesh and iron filling his nose as he remained awake but his mind was far from the present. Feelings of emptiness as a dead weight rested against him as the warmth was diminishing under his careful touch.
Overwhelming fear over what he couldn’t control, a fear that it would happen again and he’d lose more people that mattered so much to him. Luffy’s nakama!!! to see them fall and torn away from him to repeat the cycle was his worst nightmare he prayed never became reality.
SMILE FOR THEM, CARRY THEM AND BE THEIR SECURITY EVEN IF HE COULDN’T HELP HIMSELF.
Even if he had to tell it to himself a thousand times each night he would carry this out. Two years of separation and he wouldn’t let them down now that they were back together. So long as the light shined during the day he would always get back up for them even as he showed weakness at times and during the nights. He only hoped they could forgive him for moments too overwhelming like this one in particular. Moments that weren’t his fault and just couldn’t be stopped.