Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Review
It is not often that a blockbuster movie is shorter than the title of it, but this is one of those cases. I did appreciate that the run time of this movie is only around two hours, but at some points it still felt a little too long. There are moments in Hollywood, although I would describe them more like seasons or phases, where they decided to franchise absolutely everything and reboot the failures and bring old TV shows back as movies and cater to this nostalgia that everyone is currently feeling because they hate the current world they live in. This can be seen in movies like Baywatch, the upcoming Scarface, Smurfs, etc. To be honest, almost every movie that has come out so far this year has been a remake, reboot, sequel or adaption from a TV show or book. Don’t believe me?
Guardians 2, Logan, John Wick 2, King Arthur, King Kong, Lego Batman, Alien: Covenant, Beauty and the Beast, Power Rangers, Ghost in the Shell, Fate of the Furious, Fifty Shades Darker, XXX: Return of Xander Cage (who the hell is Xander Cage), Smurfs, Underworld, Resident Evil, Chips, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Trainspotting, and probably more. I got all of those off of Box Office Mojo and honestly, there are more of those than original movies released so far this year and it isn’t going to end, almost every week until August has at least one more remake or sequel being released. Oh also Pirates.
Pirates, much like many of the above movies (except for the first four), was decent, but didn’t need to happen. I think soon (dear God please) people will just be fed up and stop going to these movies. It is starting to happen as many of those listed above did not do well at the box office or review wise. I remember when I first saw the first pirates movie and I fell in love. I had the DVD, I had the book, I didn’t have anything else because I wasn’t that crazy about it, but you get my point. It was a fresh movie and an outstanding performance by John Depp. The second movie was just as good and the third I can even say I really liked. Then the fourth came out and I thought to myself, that’s enough. Now we are here on the fifth movie and after it was over I was no better than when I entered the theater. I actually was worse off because I had three fillings, not cavity related, just an hour before so my mouth was numb but by the end of the movie that sensation went away and a new one arose which was the numbness in my brain.
How many times do I have to see Jack Sparrrrrrrrrow (that’s my Javier Bardem impression) get drunk and do his classic fast wake up from sleep? How many times do the pirates of the I don’t care a bean about them have to tell really bad jokes? Why couldn’t the movie just focus on the new characters instead of relying on the nostalgia of Sparrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow. I’ll tell you why, because John Depp is in massive amounts of debt and needed some cash money to buy more wine.
Look, it wasn’t a terrible movie. If you like the other pirate movies then go see this one! I didn’t not enjoy it, I just didn’t exactly love it as much as I wanted to. It was a nice two hour vacation to the beach with some cool special effects and great performances, except for Johnny who at most parts just seemed like he was phoning in his past performances and literally is nothing more than the catalyst to bring all the other characters together. Take your scurvy mate to see this movie, take your crew, take your captain, but I might walk the plank before I see it again. Ok I wouldn’t walk the plank, I’d rather live with a repeat viewing than be dead at the bottom of the ocean, but you get what I mean.