Reviews, Stories, Essays, Poems, and More

[arobotswink]

Baby Driver Review

After leaving the theater, I made a very bold decision to say that this was the best movie I had seen all year. I’ve seen a lot of movies, but while I will love every comic book movie until the day I die, this was an original movie. Director and writer Edgar Wright had been working on this film since apparently 1994 so it was his passion project. You can tell that in literally every single scene.

What makes this movie amazing is the choreography and the genre. Wright has created a movie that defies Hollywood style currently. In a world of remakes and reboots (literally every preview before the movie was a remake, adaption or sequel), this movie stands alone and proud. It is about a driver named Baby who is really really good at driving, but he suffers from tenitis from an accident at a young age so he constantly listens to music on his headphones to drown out the noise. The reason this is amazing is the entire movie is choreographed to his music, the heists, the driving, the walking, the gun shots. There is even a scene of him getting coffee where parts of the song are spray painted on the walls of buildings as he is passing them by.

This movie is 100% style and the substance comes from that style. You will fall in love with the characters immediately as they are all endearing in their own way and insanely funny. Wrights type of comedy is very sharp which is a testament to his writing. What makes the movie even better is by the end it is all wrapped up in a nice little bow so you don’t even want or need a sequel, only to just see it again and again as the beats and songs are stuck in your head.

I’d usually spend the rest of this review telling some story about how an old man was laughing the entire time in the theater or how I think there were more people in this theater for a premier of what could be called an indie movie than in transformers, but I’d really rather you just go see this movie and tell me how much you love it and how different it is from all the Hollywood recycle currently in theaters. Please see this movie, take anyone you know and love. Take friends and neighbors and babies and drivers. This is the perfect summer movie.

[arobotswink]

47 Meters Down Review

I cannot remember the last time I swore so much in a movie, not out of anger, but out of fear. A part of me has always been afraid of the deep, and in this movie, that unknown void of darkness is just as big a bad guy as the sharks occupying it. 

Let me clear the air as quick as possible: this movie will not win any Oscars. This movie is not going to make it’s way onto my top ten or even my top 20 for the year, but it was only an hour and twenty minutes long and it doesn’t mess around when it comes to getting those two sisters into that shark cage. Once they are in it, everything goes to hell very quickly and that is the best and worst part of the movie for a guy like me. All I kept thinking what, if you had just listened to the voice of reason and stayed in the freaking boat, or had you just opened the top of the cage. But those are the types of statements made by someone filled with primal fear knowing that maybe they will get out alive but maybe they won’t and I was on the edge of my seat. 

There were multiple times when they were in the cage that one of them would venture out of the cage to talk to someone on their radio and those were by far the scariest parts of the movie. Seeing a scuba diver alone in pitch black water with no idea where they are is beyond frightening. Hearing them say “I don’t remember which way I came from” both makes me soil myself and groan but this was essentially a scary movie set in the ocean so I forgave that. 

After you leave this movie, you may not remember most of it or think to yourself that it changed your life, but the next time you are in Mexico and someone asks if you want to go into a shark tank, those repressed memories from this movie will flood back to the surface and you will think twice before going into the water.

Go see this movie if you love Shark Week and rusty cages. Go see this movie if you like Mandy Moore. Otherwise, you could wait till it arrives on streaming services or DVD or even Blu Ray. But one way or another, this movie will spook you the same way it spooked me. But as a disclaimer, as my brother and wife both told me, I spook easily so maybe you will find it boring, but don’t blame me for that, it was your fault for buying/renting/streaming/going to see this movie.

[arobotswink]

The Mummy Review

BUCKLE THE HELL UP BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF UNIVERSAL’S DARK UNIVERSE. That is essentially what the studio was shoving down our throats upon announcing this Mummy movie. They looked around the film landscape and saw a hole in the market, I just know it. They thought since no one else is doing franchise movies or reboots of old properties they would seize on that opportunity to really market to those die hard fans of the original monster movies. 

Universal, I want to let you know that Marvel, DC, and James Wan are all doing that already with the Marvel, DC, and Conjuring movies. Also, The Mummy from 1999 along with The Mummy Returns and Scorpion King, ALONG with the original Mummy and all the old monster movies are some of my favorite movies of all time. They hold up very well under the test of time so I don’t understand why they needed to remake. Universal makes franchises and reboots all the time that bomb so why would the subject the monsters of my childhood to the same fate as is clearly happening? I’ll tell you why. Because as it is bombing here in the US, it is soaring overseas because those over seas have not been subjected to as many terrible movies as we have. I am going to get this out of the way right now, I actually didn’t hate this movie. I went into it thinking I would hate it and there were a lot of things that I liked in it but the fog of franchise still was over me so here are some gripes.

The movie has about 5 minutes of screen time in Egypt. This mummy was such a bad girl that when they mummified her alive they then traveled to Mesopotamia aka Iraq to bury here in a very very intricate prison under the ground that was filled with Mercury and ropes and devices. First off...how and why did they spend that much time and energy burying her? Maybe because this movie will play in those markets and not in Egypt? Also, the entire rest of the movie takes place in London so unlike the prior Mummy movies which didn’t care about international box office, this movie so obviously does. 

With that said, my absolute favorite monster movie is Creature from the Black Lagoon, so if this movie is a box office hit overseas and makes Universal make the next few in this *gag* franchise, I am ok with it because I do want to see them make a Creature from the Black Lagoon movie. Now if that movie isn’t good either I will be pissed but these monster movies have such a potential to be amazing. What was so great about the original monster movies was they were cramped and scary. The set pieces were small and everything was natural aka no CGI. That made them scary. If they do that with the next few, they could turn this ship around, but if Mummy is any indication, this movie will be forgotten and buried in an undisclosed location in Mesopotamia. 

If you are looking for a summer popcorn movie, check this one out just make sure you go matinee. If you loved the Universal monster movies, go see this film with trepidation, but try and enjoy it because there are more coming. 

[arobotswink]

It Comes At Night Review

If any of you have seen director Trey Edward Shults last movie Krisha, which can be viewed on Prime Video (please sponsor me), you would have a good idea going into this movie what it would be like. Trey seems to have a running theme in his movies about family and the tension within families. Those themes make this post apocalyptic movie that much more horrifying upon watching it and that is why this movie is fantastic.

It is best to see this movie without any idea of what it is about so the rest of this review I will talk about other things. Scary movies have long made their money off of jump scares and while there are a few in this film, it is truly a horror movie in the sense that most of the movie is just filled with dread and suspense wondering what will happen next. By the end of the movie I was very scared of various things and trying to figure out what is real and what is not. The characters/actors did such a good job sucking me into the film which says a lot when the only person I knew was Joel Edgerton. 

Speaking of that, I thought it was pretty cool that he was able to play characters from his other movies. Here, just like in Loving, he has an interracial marriage, and just like in Warrior, was a high school teacher. It made me giggle more than anything because I was thinking to myself, I bet Joel was giggling as he read the script thinking to himself “I can do this, I’ve done it before”. I almost think that the director, who also wrote the script, didn’t realize that Joel played either of those parts before and Joel was the only one in on the secret and I’d also like to think that made for an enjoyable filming session. 

I could easily see the director explaining to Joel before the filming starts, “Now Joel, it’s gonna be kind of crazy but we will have you married to an African American woman” and Joel says something like “Wow that is pretty wild, but I will do my best to embody that character” but in his head he is thinking “Boy this is gonna be so easy because I literally just did this for Loving, suckers”. Then as filming goes on the director says “Now here you are going to reveal that you were a high school teacher, kind of to the surprise of the other character as you both reveal what you used to do for a living” and he probably said “Oh wow that is a really great twist, I’ll do some research before hand of how high school teachers act” but in his head he says “I already played a high school teacher in Warrior, this is gonna be so easy”

Now with that said, you’d think that Joel doesn’t do a good job, that maybe he just dials in or embodies his old characters but that is not true. He does a great job being the protective father and husband and showing that sometimes the father has to do whatever it takes to protect his family.

Go see this film if you love indie movies. Go see this film if you are a fan of scary movies or post apocalypse movies. Take a friend or a lover, or anyone who likes scares and get ready for an enjoyable feature.

[arobotswink]

Wonder Woman Review

Let me get this out of the way because as you all know I am a Marvel boy. I want nothing more than to see Marvel movies and watch DC crash and burn as they make poor attempts at creating a film universe mirroring Marvel's very successful one. So far, my wish has been granted. While I really liked Man of Steel, the rest were nothing to write home about. But now that I have seen Wonder Woman I am compelled to buy as much paper and pen as possible to write home to all my family and friends that DC did something fantastic. It speaks volumes what the difference in direction, action, villains, and actors will do. Gal Gadot, while no Oscar winner (yet), does an amazing job as the titular character. Surprisingly all the supporting cast also is great. Everyone has moments to shine, though Diana of Themyscira shines so very bright. Party Jenkins as the director was a fantastic choice as well, it's been a while since she's seen the light but as I stated. Everyone shines in this movie. The previous movies in the world, Batman V Superman and Suicide Squad felt like footnotes to this movie. So much needless action and terrible writing along with wasted characters and motives that didn't make sense made this movies trash. It was even the talk of the town that critics were being paid to give bad reviews because they weren't Marvel movies but to all those psychos who couldn't wrap their head around the fact that they were just bad movies can now shut up for good. I am not the only critic who loves this movie. Last I checked it was at a 95 or above on rotten tomatoes and even high on Metacritic. I'm not a fan of rotten tomatoes but it says something that it's one of the highest rated movies. It's a big sign for DC and for super hero movies in general. Make them more like Wonder Woman. I don't even want to go into what the movie is about because you need to go see it. It hd amazing action scenes, tender and sad emotional scenes, and some laughs along the way. But we have now reached the stage of this review where I point out something that maybe could be a spoiler so I will say it as vaguely as possible. Basically there is a scene at an undisclosed part of the movie that is in a way identical to a Marvel movie. I'm not saying they copied it, but I'd like tot think it was an homage. If you notice it too, let me know or just ask me and I'll tell you but it's something that cannot be ignored. Obviously Marvel is king, but Wonder Woman is now queen and honestly I'm ok with that. During the film I thought to myself multiple times that I will train my future daughter to be like Wonder Woman and I was so happy that young girls world wide will have an awesome role model to look up to. She does a great job being a powerful figure that can inspire girls and women and, hell, men too! Take anyone to this movie. Take your daughter, take your sister, take your friends and family. Make this the date movie to save your marriage. Wonder Woman is truly wonderful, and she can kick my ass any day of the week.

[arobotswink]

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Review

It is not often that a blockbuster movie is shorter than the title of it, but this is one of those cases. I did appreciate that the run time of this movie is only around two hours, but at some points it still felt a little too long. There are moments in Hollywood, although I would describe them more like seasons or phases, where they decided to franchise absolutely everything and reboot the failures and bring old TV shows back as movies and cater to this nostalgia that everyone is currently feeling because they hate the current world they live in. This can be seen in movies like Baywatch, the upcoming Scarface, Smurfs, etc. To be honest, almost every movie that has come out so far this year has been a remake, reboot, sequel or adaption from a TV show or book. Don’t believe me?

Guardians 2, Logan, John Wick 2, King Arthur, King Kong, Lego Batman, Alien: Covenant, Beauty and the Beast, Power Rangers, Ghost in the Shell, Fate of the Furious, Fifty Shades Darker, XXX: Return of Xander Cage (who the hell is Xander Cage), Smurfs, Underworld, Resident Evil, Chips, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Trainspotting, and probably more. I got all of those off of Box Office Mojo and honestly, there are more of those than original movies released so far this year and it isn’t going to end, almost every week until August has at least one more remake or sequel being released. Oh also Pirates.

Pirates, much like many of the above movies (except for the first four), was decent, but didn’t need to happen. I think soon (dear God please) people will just be fed up and stop going to these movies. It is starting to happen as many of those listed above did not do well at the box office or review wise. I remember when I first saw the first pirates movie and I fell in love. I had the DVD, I had the book, I didn’t have anything else because I wasn’t that crazy about it, but you get my point. It was a fresh movie and an outstanding performance by John Depp. The second movie was just as good and the third I can even say I really liked. Then the fourth came out and I thought to myself, that’s enough. Now we are here on the fifth movie and after it was over I was no better than when I entered the theater. I actually was worse off because I had three fillings, not cavity related, just an hour before so my mouth was numb but by the end of the movie that sensation went away and a new one arose which was the numbness in my brain. 

How many times do I have to see Jack Sparrrrrrrrrow (that’s my Javier Bardem impression) get drunk and do his classic fast wake up from sleep? How many times do the pirates of the I don’t care a bean about them have to tell really bad jokes? Why couldn’t the movie just focus on the new characters instead of relying on the nostalgia of Sparrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow. I’ll tell you why, because John Depp is in massive amounts of debt and needed some cash money to buy more wine. 

Look, it wasn’t a terrible movie. If you like the other pirate movies then go see this one! I didn’t not enjoy it, I just didn’t exactly love it as much as I wanted to. It was a nice two hour vacation to the beach with some cool special effects and great performances, except for Johnny who at most parts just seemed like he was phoning in his past performances and literally is nothing more than the catalyst to bring all the other characters together. Take your scurvy mate to see this movie, take your crew, take your captain, but I might walk the plank before I see it again. Ok I wouldn’t walk the plank, I’d rather live with a repeat viewing than be dead at the bottom of the ocean, but you get what I mean.

[arobotswink]

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword Review

There comes a time in any man’s life where he decides to get excited about a movie trailer instead of listening to the haters. While that is a very specific time in any man’s life, it was a time that occurred to me when I made the conscious decision to visit Camelot at the movie theater, and in 3D no less. I say all of that because when I first saw the trailers I though to myself “this looks like the next sad attempt at Hollywood trying to milk the populous of more money based off some franchise”. I scoffed a few times in my seat...I think this might have been during multiple movies as I see a lot of movies and I get trailer fever, which here is not the type of fever like Bieber Fever but more of the type of fever like Cabin Fever or perhaps a type of Fever that was present during the Black Plague. 

Trailers to me are one of two things. They are tasteful glimpses into what a new movie will be or they are blatant ploys to show the best parts of a movie to get people to go see it. Trailers are like mini movies. A great trailer, like that of Dunkirk or Star Wars, is the type of trailer we deserve. One where not a lot is revealed, but just enough to tease you and make you want to spend so much money going to see the movie. A trailer like that of super hero movies (yes I’ll admit that) or basically any trailer where you go “I know exactly how this movie will play out” are the types of trailers that should be banned from theaters. The reason this steams me like a bag of broccoli is because I see so many movies so I see the same trailers over and over and the good ones can get me excited multiple times, the bad ones make me sick to my stomach and make we want to throw up a bag of steamed broccoli.

The first trailer of this movie was not great. I then saw the second trailer and there was some new music and scenes and that had me very interested. The kind of interested that would make me want to see this movie in theaters with friends or family or alone. I made up my mind that I would and as soon as I did I saw reports that shocked me. I saw terrible reviews about this film “The Director Stinks! This movie is stinky! Lots of stink!”. I became nervous. Then I saw that it bombed at the box office. Like SCUD missile bombed. It was at that point that I turned my fear into excitement. I decided to see this movie regardless of all of that and truly judge its merit on my viewing and not anyone else. 

I saw it in 3D which may have helped, but I have to tell you all, this movie was amazing. I enjoyed it so much more than I thought and just as much as I hoped. The effects were really cool and Guy Ritchie, the director, has some fantastic touches that he uses like some really funny flash back sequences and some amazing action scenes. He really did a good job trying to make this a story of his own and not just a retelling of King Arthur. Charlie Hunnam is great as Arthur and the rest of the cast is also well placed. I was enthralled the entire time so I don’t know what is going on in Hollywood currently.

In a world where Smurfs just got a reboot and Spider-Man is on his third actor (the best actor, the movie is going to be so good and I literally cannot wait), why not weed through all the remakes and reboots and try out this movie for size and see if you like. If you don’t like it then don’t blame me because I just write these reviews, you may have different tastes than I do. I can’t be held responsible for your own decisions to see this movie but if you do enjoy it, just know who to thank for the great review. Take a friend, take a relative, take a date. Dress up in armor, but maybe not because you might get in trouble. Either way, go see this movie.  

[arobotswink]

Alien: Covenant Review

Alien: Covenant is in a very precarious spot. On one end, if you never saw any Alien movies before and stumbled into this movie you could think this is a phenomenal movie. On the other end, seeing all the Alien movies you might think that this was trying too hard to be like the first Alien movie while also trying to answer questions from Prometheus. I was sandwiched right in between in that I found this an enjoyable sci-fy movie but nothing I hadn’t seen before.

I really liked the Aliens because they were CGI and creepy crawled everywhere in ways that they couldn’t in the prior movies, but at the same time I liked that you never saw the Alien fully in prior films. There were always shadows that made things much scarier. The locations here were very cool as well ranging from the classic cramped in space to a cool planet. 

Michael Fassbender did a wonderful job playing a robot and I really was impressed with Danny McBride’s performance as a typical Danny McBride character but with more heart. Guy Pierce was also able to make some money from this movie as a five minute cameo at the beginning of the film. Other than that, there was no real stand out in terms of performances. Everyone played the freaked out astronaut really well.

I think what would have made this movie better would have been if there had been more creatures. I’m talking about TONS of creatures. I think it would have been cool if there had been a creature on the spaceship right at the beginning of the movie and they have to figure out how to survive as a swamp creature chases them. This could be played by Stellan Skarsgard just like he played Bill Turner in Pirates. In fact, he could just be wearing the exact same get up except more swampy, and he just roams around the ship trying to kill everyone and gets everything all swampy and misty.

Then they decide to land on a random planet and they fight the Alien monsters just like normal, but there are also Predators on the planet as well. They have been engaged in an all out war against the Aliens for a long time at this point and the astronauts have to decide which side to take. The Aliens are spooky and evil, and the Predators are also spooky and evil but there is a long back and forth where they side with the Aliens but it turns out that they double crossed then and sided with the Predators instead and once the battle is over there is a very VERY shaky alliance with the Predators and they are allowed to leave the planet, but as they are leaving the camera pans to one Alien that is still alive and is very VERY pissed. 

At that point they escape and it turns out the Alien was on the ship all along but there are also other monsters on the ship as well that one of the crew had been collecting in secret and they have all escaped. This third part of the movie would play out kind of like Fantastic Beasts mixed with Hotel Transylvania but ten times scarier. The movie would then end with all the monsters and crew being destroyed as the ship careens out of orbit or something and the last living person is on an escape pod but as they are floating away you realized they are possessed by an ancient ghost with unspeakable power.

I think if that was the movie it would have been better, but it was still enjoyable. If you like the other Alien movies then go see this one. If you like gruesome deaths and spooky spaceships, then this will feed you. If you like monster mash movies like Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein (which also has many of the other Universal monsters), then you may be disappointing at this film as it is just Aliens.

[arobotswink]

The Circle Review

Since the dawn of time, humans have flirted with many big questions and concepts. For millions of years our species and those that came before us have been asking one singular question, which is the same question I asked myself multiple times during this movie: why? Why were none of the characters developed? Why was Beck given a much too long concert on screen? Why is, what I assume to be, the last role of Bill Paxton this? Why does he stare at Emma Watson and smile and say “You look so happy, like you are with child”? Why does the movie end so abruptly? Why is the writing terrible? Why does Emma Watson, who you all know I cherish with all my being, have such a muddy story line? Why was this even allowed to be a movie?

All of these questions and more, I’m sure, will never be answered, even in a million more years that humans are inhabiting this earth. All I can say is, as humans we value our privacy and this movie does the exact opposite, it is not only about invading our every nook and cranny, but it actually invaded all my nooks and crannies as I watched and screamed multiple times during the movie not out of horror but because I felt like I was being targeted by this movie. Not targeted in the sense that it was aiming at millennials, of which I do not associate myself, but in the sense that a SCUD MOAB missile targets unarmed civilians. So instead of going any further and speaking anymore about this film for fear of some sort of Betelgeuse/Bye Bye Man type Bloody Mary death scenario where I go to sleep and dream about this movie or it pops up on my news feed, I am going to talk about all the things I could have done instead of watching this movie.

I could have not watched this movie. I could have trusted that Emma Watson just took this part as a make a wish foundation double dog dare. I could have walked into an abandoned church on top of a cliff and watched the ghost of an old sailor wail into the great hall as the wind banged the shutters. I could have watched a video on how to tie a devil’s knot and tried and failed multiple times to learn said devil’s knot and once I did learn, tie myself to the train tracks and pretend I was in a western movie but instead of being saved by a smooth talking cowboy with a questionable past and an award winning smile, I am ran over by the train and my ashes are spread to the four winds. I could have gone to IHOP and ordered a short stack of pancakes as I watched countless elderly people snicker as they get their senior discount and then forget where they are. I could have played with a Ouija board and summoned the spirit of an evil gypsy who then inhabits my body as my wife watches in horror as I writhe on the floor and spell out old gypsy words in blood on the walls. I could have seen Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2 for a third time. I could have gone into my backyard and found an old dirty glass bottle that had a map inside and when I break the bottle my hand gets cut a little but I bandage it up because I know there is an old pirate secret within that map and I follow the map to a wooded glen and dig for 45 minutes until I hear a clink and that clink is just a giant rock and then I get a text from someone that is a sneak peak of The Circle and I watch the clip and even just the few minutes of that clip gets me to walk directly into that hole I dug and start covering myself with dirt as the wolves howl and the moon is full and I bury myself alive only to become a shrieking spook and then I haunt the neighboring condos for the next 72 years until I meet a young child who lost their father and I am the only person who listens to them and they aren’t afraid of my shrieking and horror, and suddenly I have made a friend despite all the odds and finally my soul finds some sort of peace.

It would have been so much easier and more pleasant to go to a Chipotle and as I am ordering they inform me that they are out of chicken and also I will get sick from my meal and as they are wrapping my burrito the shell breaks and they tell me there are no more shells and at that same time a robber walks in and it’s Boss Baby and he points a gun directly at my head and asks me “Are you in The Circle” and I smile knowing that my answer will surely take me to a better place than this. I would have rather seen, again, the scene where Toby Maguire says “Now dig on this” in Spider-Man 3. I would rather watch the terrible scream from Tom Cruise in the Mummy trailer. I would rather make my own movie that I spend twenty years perfecting about a man made of clay who tries to live a normal life but anytime it rains he starts to melt and lose a part of himself and towards the end of the movie he loses all hope and tells his pottery instructure/creator, “JUST KILN ME” and even though he dies he is made into a beautiful work of art for all to admire for thousands of years. While that sounds like an interesting movie and might be a really fun thing to do, the entire time I was being bugged by the studio that there was no money and the lead in the movie is Tom Hanks and all he did the entire time of shooting was tell me about The Circle so there are pros and cons to that story as well.

If you have had a lot to drink and need something to get angry at instead of your family, this is the movie for you. If you love being outraged online, this is the story for you. If you have 17 different social media accounts, go see this movie and stop being so “connected”. If you are a HUGE Beck fan, check this movie out because I know we haven’t seen Beck in a while and this was a good way to know that he is ok and likes folksy hats. If you LOVE LOVE LOVE Star Wars and love that Finn from the movie, you will hate this movie because his lines consist of everything you saw in the trailer and contrary to what you saw there is no exciting revelatory ending like the trailer suggests. Just a lot of canoeing and a terrible performance by Ellar Coltrane that is just an extension of his Boyhood role (seriously, you will die laughing as his last line is “BYE” in the most hipster boyhood type fashion). Also this could be the movie for you if you accidentally bought tickets for the Boss Baby but got lost and ended up in this theater instead.

[arobotswink]

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Review

Well here it is. Here is what you were all waiting for. My first Marvel Cinematic Universe movie review. You won’t believe the amount of calls and texts I have received. The letters are just pouring in as my many many fans are rioting outside my home asking me “what did you think?”. I’ve had to barricade myself in my closet so I am writing this by candle light as I hear the loud cheers and cries from outside. Now there are those that call me beholden. There are some that say Marvel bribed me to write the following review. There are some that say it doesn’t matter how bad the movie was I will give it a good review. To them I say that is called mystique. The world is a wild and weird place and in the state this country currently is in, I’d say that this review is not only timely, but necessary.

You don’t have to wait any longer because in a few short paragraphs you will have a condensed and candid idea of how I felt about this film. There are those out there that say this movie was not as good as the first, there are some that say it was better. I am somewhere in the middle and for good reason. To be able to properly give you my review I must first tell you exactly what went into viewing this movie.

A week and a half ago, I purchased movie tickets for my entire family and friends, seven tickets in total. I pre ordered them on bated breath and took an immediate snap shot of the confirmation code so that it would be fresh on my mind. At this point I made sure everyone was in agreement that we would be meeting before the movie to break bread at a delicious pizza place called Mod Pizza. You could call this a great time, but I call it tradition.

Two days ago, my wife and I watched the first film on a large screen in my home. We had a nice meal and sat on the couch in full focus as we relived the many times I have watched this movie prior. By we I mean me and by many times I mean many many. Afterwards, as we went to bed I couldn’t fall asleep. I stared out my window like a curious soul looking to explore the universe with a rag tag group of misfits and I turned to my wife who was fast asleep and whispered, “Ooga Chacka Ooga Ooga Ooga Chaka”. She didn’t reply because she was fast asleep but the feeling was palpable. I stared further out my window and began to sweat. Would this second movie by James Gun reach the dizzying heights of his first? Would Christ Pratt and company really make as great a second impression as this first go around? As the beads dripped down my faces some of them, I realized were tears. What’s going on with Star Lords dad? Is baby Groot really going to be cute? Would I be the first in line waiting at the theater?

That morning I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed as I put my Marvel comic vans on, my best Marvel polo and headed to work. I don’t know how it happened but the hours flew by and suddenly I was going faster than I have ever driven in my Prius, 75mph, which is the speed limit, as I raced to our banquet in eager desperation. Everyone was all smiles and I was visibly shaking. I could barely hold my food due to excitement but I persevered. We arrived at the theater a little early, I’d like to point out that the town that I live in is pretty big but when it comes to premieres there are not a lot of people but you NEVER KNOW. So I think I was justified in arriving almost two hours before hand and sitting in front of the door as I listened to Boss Baby play in the theater next to me. 

It was at this point that my breath became very short. I could feel the air around me, it was crisp. The AMC attendant came by and looked at me like she had seen a ghost. She clearly didn’t understand dedication but I don’t expect it from anyone but myself. She said I could go in and so I alerted my family and we raced in and got the perfect seats. As the trailers began I got more and more excited for movies like Spider-Man and Thor and even Star Wars, although I’ve already seen those trailers a dozen times. Suddenly the Marvel Studios logo came on the screen and the theater hushed. It was at that point that I was abducted by movie magic and taken to the far end of the universe for one of the most wild and exciting movies I’ve seen all year.

Guardians was hilarious on all accounts. So many of the jokes just had me cracking up both because they were so well written but also because we had come to love these characters. Sure some of them fell flat to me and you could tell they were trying to hard but that was few and far between. The colors and sounds and shots were just beautiful and made me wish I had seen it in IMAX 3D (which I plan to now do). Baby Groot was both completely adorable and kind of annoying. You could tell that Marvel really wanted to capitalize on that from the ending of the first movie and to really, I’m assuming, push those toy sales. The problem is that he was still so darn cute that it made sense. It’s that same feeling when the super cool and famous kid in high school is also super smart and just won both a track award, violin award, and a full ride to any college he wanted. Of course he deserved it but COME ON. Rocket was feisty as ever and what really impressed me was some moments he shares with Yondu. With that said, it was the relationships and interactions that won the day for me. Pairings of characters and the rapport between them. The villains in the movie were also amazing, way better than what the MCU has pumped out in terms of being fleshed out with high stakes and purpose. The soundtrack was great, nothing like the magic of the first movie but still nothing to make you annoyed at.

The point is: go see this freaking movie. This is the kind of movie you wait all year for. This movie is perfect for friends and family and relatives you’ve never met. This is a movie that will bring strangers together. It is a movie that should be seen on the big screen. You should be reading this review as you are waiting in line for this movie thinking, “I made a good choice today”. 

[arobotswink]

The Lost City of Z Review

You know a movie is powerful when you continually think about it after it is long over. What makes this movie great is showing the lengths someone will go to achieve their dream. As well, it shows how one moment can change the way you look at things in an irreversible way. With all of that said, Lost City of Z is a powerful movie, and one that can’t be missed.

Charlie Hunnam plays Percy Fawcett, a soldier in England in the early 1900′s and starts out as a tale of redemption. He feels this urge to be something greater because all the soldiers around him have medals and awards and he has none, yet he is better than his peers. We come to find out due to his father his family was in a sense shamed. It is at this point that a group of men in the geographic society task him with charting the jungle in South America. We find out that Percy was an explorer previously and while reluctant, he takes up the offer as a way to clear his family name. Upon going to the jungle he discovers signs of older civilizations deep within and that is where the movie flourishes. At this point he realizes his dream to discover a lost city not just for glories sake, but to further mankind and show to those close minded English that there are older civilizations predating the Empire. This then becomes his life’s journey as he makes multiple trips over the course of the movie and his life for which the movie follows almost completely.

What makes this movie so great is the power behind it. Told over time and many large events, the filmmaker manages to capture that old world feel and the sense of wonder and grand scale. Shots of lush jungles and desolate battle fields along with various civilizations will have your jaw dropping multiple times. Often times this movie will have you thinking of Apocalypse Now and also in some ways Paths of Glory, but never in a lazy way but with admiration. 

Charlie Hunnam, along with all the other actors, knock it out of the park. I have not seen Charlie in much except trailers for King Arthur but from what I surmised he seems like a macho action movie guy, but as this was my first real look at him, I saw the makings of a determined actor with heart. This will clearly be known as one of his best performances. Robert Pattinson also stood out to me as he can sometimes seem achy to me just based on what I have seen him in *cough* twilight *cough*. Here he was embodying a completely different person and did excellent work. Tom Holland is also a perfect addition not just because I am a Marvel fan but he does a great job.

Overall this movie just oozes with old world charm and grandiose ideas of purpose. It made me want to become an explorer and chase down lost cities, too. I would recommend this movie to anyone looking to visit South America or who enjoys searching for glory. This would also be a good movie to watch on a date but just make sure you eat a proper meal after that would embody an explorers meal.

[arobotswink]

4 New REAL Festivals for Millennials!

To all the millennials out there who felt cheated and hoodwinked by their recent trip to Fyre Fest, let me be the first to apologize to you. You are all sparkling stars in the night sky and I want you to hear it from me that you only deserve the best when it comes to partying and hedonism. For that very reason I have made a few phone calls and have organized some new getaways for all of you. I promise you that I will have every kind of event prepared so when you are done reading this please pick one or more and send the money.

1. Caligulust Tour

Wow. Haven’t bought your tix yet on the title alone? I’m shocked but also not surprised because you millenails are a crafty bunch. You know a good deal when you see it and you always look into everything before hand so I’ll explain. This one has everything you could want. Six days four nights on the beautiful coast of Thailand surrounded by mist and humidity as far as the eye can see. You will stay in a hut filled with alcohol and Thai women or men if you so choose. You can also stay with your friends but it is recommended that you really immerse yourself. During the day there will be unlimited alcohol and a special serum called only “Bug Juice” that apparently gets you so crazy high/drunk/political that you may just forget the whole thing. If that is not enough, we have a HUGE line up of stars showing up in the weeds to perform sea side for your pleasure. We have B*Witched, Florence Welch singing covers, a Wale impersonator, Celine Dion’s cousin, and many more! This trip only costs 12k and you can message me for details so we can set up a paypal NON REFUNDABLE transaction.

2. Eye Sis Extravagandalf

Sick and tired of your parents talking about nuclear war? Are they giving you money instead of attention? Buckle up you Psycho Sams cause this is the one for you. Seven days and nine nights of the sunny sandy coast of Saudia Arabia surrounded by EDM music and IED fireworks. You are gonna be housed in a man made bunker with a Lord of the Rings theme but more modern and retro. Everyone wears burkahs at this party and for good reason! It is a blind date fest the entire time as you will be constantly swapping partners. If that isn’t enough we have a star studded cast to entertain and wow you. We’ve got that one guy from the Chainsmokers, it may be their agent, a Kelly Clarkson impersonator, the Proclaimers, and a man in a Gollum suit! This particular trip will only cost 17k and you can hit me up for my Venmo code so you can shoot the NON REFUNDABLE deposit (full amount) to me!

3. Dingus Dangus Dungus

Congratulations on quitting your job after three weeks! They didn’t appreciate your creativity anyway and lord knows there are better options out there. This is one of those options. It’s time to put your trust fund where your mouth is and hop on an all expenses paid (by you) trip to the sunny luscious jungle of Burma. You will be airdropped in to this all exclusive resort where you will stay in tree houses made entirely of bamboo and wood and nails and will have a roof. This is the kind of place you can let loose as nubile female jungle natives and hunky male jungle natives will swing by on trees to answer your every beck and call. Don’t tip them, or they will keep coming back. For four days and eight nights you will be bumping to the sounds of the greatest performers of our time. Enya, Danny Glover, a hologram of Rick Ross, and the stars from Little People Big World. This trip costs 30k and you can just send that to my go fund me account for all the details. TICKETS NOT REFUNDABLE.

4. How the Grinch Stole the Festival

Ho Ho Hold up true believers! Are you tired of the world not hearing your outrage? Are you tired of not having enough followers? Don’t know what to do with all that money? Come on down to the polar south! This is a week long all night trip to the arctic. You will be staying in glass igloos as the lights of the sky light up the sky and the Eskimos light up your life. Bob the Builder, William Hung, and a host of Adele impersonators all will be there ready to kick your ice. Of course alcohol and drugs are free but you will have to thaw them out as they are frozen solid. Send 100k to my kickstarter and shoot me a message so I can make sure your tickets are NON REFUNDABLE.

[arobotswink]

Free Fire Review

There is a point in the movie, which is also shown in the trailer, where Armie Hammer yells over some initial gun fire “NOW WE’RE COOKIN’!!” and that sums up this movie. Free Fire was a fantastic display of skill in how to utilize a small space to it’s utmost value. It also boasted some great performances and a really awesome premise.

Free Fire is about a gun deal that goes wrong due to a bunch of different personalities not trusting one another. That is really all the premise is, and as the first shots go of an everyone gets shot in one way or another, the movie just kicks into high gear and hilarity as you see everyone crawling around and screaming which is way way funnier than it sounds.

I really want to stress the use of space in this film because I am a big fan of claustrophobic filming. The one thing I always go back to is the episode of Seinfeld where the group is waiting to sit down at the Chinese restaurant and the entire episode takes place in the waiting lobby. It really is a testament to the film makers to be able to use a small amount of space to tell a really great story. Free Fire takes place completely inside of a warehouse with just a few minutes taking place outside and on the second floor. It made the movie so exciting because again, and it isn’t a spoiler, but everyone gets shot in some way or another so most of the movie is at ground level of the characters hiding behind pillars or crawling around in the dirt.

I thought it was hilarious that so many of the people had these small guns and someone would get shot in the leg or arm and just get angry and fire back. It played a lot like a paint ball match and these characters all had different personalities and it was so cool to see them all interact.

Free Fire is a fantastic movie to go see with anyone who is a fan of comedy or guns or Brie Larson. I highly recommend this one also as it is an A24 studio movie and in my opinion they always make creative movies and this one is no exception.

[arobotswink]

Gifted Review

Gifted was a movie that could easily be overlooked by many as a run of the mill story but what sells this movie goes beyond that. The story is basic but the characters and how they come to the end of the story is what pulls you in. 

Frank played by Captain America Chris Evans is the surrogate father of a gifted young girl who we find out comes from a long line of gifted people. After her mother takes her life shortly after she is born, Frank, her brother, takes the child in, as no one else will. The crux of the movie is that Frank believes his sister wanted this bright young girl to have a normal life and not be stuck in some fancy school to develop her math skills. The problem comes when Franks very distant mother comes into the picture and tries to take her away so that she can have a “better” life and live up to the potential she has inside her. The supporting cast delivers in spades along with a very touching and emotion turn from Chris Evans with whom you all know I share a rich history with due to his prior commitments. 

Marc Webb the director, who also directed the Amazing Spider-Man movies does a great job guiding these characters and really pulling out the love inside them. I think it is funny that Marc directed a super hero movie and Evans also was a super hero so I hope they had a conversation about that on set...I can only imagine “Hey how’s everything being Captain America? Did Marvel mention the work I did on Amazing Spider-Man?” “Uh sure thing, your movies were hogwash and clearly Sony doesn’t know how to make a Spider-Man movie these days so it makes sense they had Marvel help out, also I am a handsome rugged simple guy just playing a cool super hero and you made a critically and financially panned movie where you tried to cram too many things into it”. Maybe they had a different conversation but who knows, I wasn’t there.

The setting of the movie was also really cool being that it was in Florida. It was not New York and there were no web slingers swinging around crying about how no one understands what they are going through. What I also enjoyed was how they treated Mary, the young girl. She was brilliant in every sense of the word and everyone around treated her like an adult so if there was tough news to be shared it was shared or very deep conversations that were had. I really enjoy seeing that in movies because it seems like parents treat their children the same way Sony treats the Spider-Man property: with total disregard of who these characters really are and what they can become.

Overall, I loved this movie. I was engrossed the entire time, unlike when I saw Amazing Spider-Man 1 & 2. If you love movies with brilliant child actors, see this movie. If you love Chris Evans then you have to check this out. If you love cool movies about math and geniuses, catch this flick.

[arobotswink]

Boss Baby Review

There are a lot of animated movies that are being made in this day and age that essentially cash out on certain things that children love, like farts and cool slang and toys. What I really liked about this movie was while there were some silly portions, the overall movie was very intelligent and funny and also expertly crafted in terms of animation.

Boss Baby is the story of a young boy who is getting a new baby brother and is scared that his parents won’t love him the same as they used to. This boy has a wild imagination that really lends to some cool scenes where his imagination takes over and the animation changes to fit his mind. Those scenes were by far my favorites in the movie. What ends up happening, though, is instead of a baby brother, he gets Boss Baby. A suit wearing, business lingo talking baby with a hidden agenda who was put at this home to combat the growing rise of puppy love over baby love. See, Boss Baby comes from Baby Corp, a place where certain babies are not meant to be with families, but are meant for management, as the film so hilariously explains it. The crux of the movie is that the other brother wants the Boss Baby gone and the Boss Baby needs to investigate a new puppy that is being announced so they tag team to fulfill each others needs.

The script is very sharp and again the animation really sticks out and stays with you after you leave the theater. Much of the movie has you remembering the times you may have had a younger sibling coming into the picture and were worried the same way. The laughs come thick and fast and most of them are from the titular character as Alec Baldwin plays him just as he does with most of his adult roles. 

The story, while interesting and without spoiling, was an idea I had long before this movie as a business idea (whatever who cares I’ll be famous one day doesn’t matter), and the typical animated movie formula is in play here so there are not too many major surprises as you watch but I still recommend you watch. It is the perfect family movie or a cute date movie. It is also a great movie for business majors and puppy lovers as well. 

[arobotswink]

Ghost in the Shell Review

There came a time in this movie when I started thinking back to the previews and really wanting to watch them instead of this. I turned to my brother and thought I saw he was asleep but apparently he wasn’t and turns out he really liked this movie so as with any review take this with a grain of salt.

Me on the other hand, I wish I had taken this with a grain of something else. I was not impressed by this movie. I will start by saying I have not seen the anime movie this was based on but I know it was better. When the news broke that Scar Jo was playing the Asian female lead I rolled my eyes. Another chance for Hollywood to embrace diversity and also stay true to source material but they crumbled again to the whims of what I am assuming were some old movie executives who said “Scar Jo Sells BABY”. Well only time will tell if that is true but I already have a feeling my sentiments are being shared by others.

In the movie she plays a robot with a human brain who is a cop or some type of fighting weapon. The story is not fleshed out very well and you can never tell if this is the government or a different organization. It obviously takes place in the future, were everyone is turning into robots so I guess there is some relevancy there as well. She is surrounded by a cast that includes the wonderful French actress Juliette Binoche, another Danish actor, and everyone else is Asian. The entire city is mostly Asian so it is very strange that Scar Jo isn’t. Even stranger is a scene towards the end of the movie where we find out she probably was Asian and just feels annoying.

The story is a very typical story and while there are bunch of lofty ideas that were very interesting, it seemed like they were not meant to be talked about as more than a throw away line here or there about what is real and what is fake and what it means to be human. This movie could have been really good but I just did not enjoy it. It tried to be a thinker but ended up being a stinker. I did enjoy Scar Jo’s boss, I don’t remember his  name but he spoke in Japanese the entire time and no one else did, which seemed strange but again, the Shell is cooked by this point.

If you like movies with Scar Jo or adaptions of anime then this is your ticket to paradise. If you don’t like movies where you are confused about the casting, or things just seem a little off, then maybe skip this one for a home viewing. Ghost in the Shell is by no means a terrible movie, I just can’t recommend it. 

[arobotswink]

Power Rangers Review

POWER RANGERS! That is a quote from the movie Power Rangers when all of the power rangers are geared up and about to battle the bad guy. My wife told me that is the theme that was played in the old show. I was a power ranger toy boy not the show man so I didn’t know. And for those of us out that both fan and casual viewer alike. This is exactly what you would expect from a TV show power ranger movie. 

I will start by saying all of the rangers, none of whom I have seen before, were great. As was Bryan Cranston as a hologram on a wall and Bill Hader as a robot. While I am a big fan of Elizabeth Banks, she was a strange choice for the bad guy. Also a shout out to Roy from the office as an angry dad who has a heart of gold and is just trying to do his best on deadliest catch.

As a movie, it was nice to see something that could have turned into a punch fest as more of a character driven film. The rangers don’t even get into their suits until almost the last thirty minutes of the film which would make sense since I think I heard they are planning five more movies after this one (something that makes me want to have a power ranger punch me in the spine). All of the characters are easily likable, and while a few of them don’t get the same attention as the others, it is still a great team that is gathered.

The action scenes were pretty cool but nothing we have not scene before. Again, this movie was obviously made for the same fans of every other reboot of that generation and I am sure many of them liked the movie, but when the rangers are just karate hi ya’ing around it doesn’t impress me the same way as some of the better choreographed fights in other movies.

Another issue I had was that I wish I could say this next sentence was a spoiler. All of them ride in dinosaur machines that then morph into a giant machine. This could have been a super cool scene but they show that in the trailer and take away any surprise that might have been there. 

Look all I am saying is if I had to choose between watching the Texas Rangers or the Power Rangers I would pick the former. If I had to choose between watching Walker Texas Ranger and the Power Rangers, it would depend on the episode. If you think I didn’t try morphing all my neighbors power rangers trucks into one giant vehicle while they asked how I got into the house you would be wrong. This was an enjoyable movie, if you are a fan go see it. If you need a date movie I hope both of you are fans. If you need your Elizabeth Banks fix until Pitch Perfect 3, then go see it but just be warned she looks more like an Mayan Mummy or the Enchantress from Suicide Squad than anything else.