Our conditioning is literally the past that we carry everywhere we go. What about my narrative needs changing? My heart is so cold and disconnected, my mind runs rampage as my heart’s wire hangs out of my chest. The path to self love hurts and its massive to take responsibility for all this pain that we are constantly learning about everyday. The weight of my life feels heavy thats because my life is bleeding out loose ends and lack of direction. I’m afraid to let people in, and I never thought the day I would be ice cold was the day I realised that I need to speak freedom. The lies we tell ourselves to live a life being involved in the external and materialised society pulls ourselves away from clarity. The fight for survival is a crazy shift where we are constantly projecting pain and our inner world into the environment around us. A part of my fear of losing my freedom is the fear of being stuck in something that holds me back. The amount of time we dedicate into asserting ourselves into an environment that doesn’t align with our inner development. Its crazy the wheels are always turning yet we are so caught up in the world around us that we don’t know what we want. We disconnect due to lack of clarity and awareness. The path to healing is incredibly hard, and I fear losing my freedom. A part of me is given up when I don’t make decisions that align with my values. The truth is, true love is free and flows like water. I truly believe that, love is a constant study of ourselves and how we coexist our inner worlds to the external world. I know my mind is chaotic, a never ending chain of many thoughts. My heart and mind runs its own whirlpool of a race for my mind seeks to figure itself out. Living your own life is something we all struggle to do, yet the polarity of both extremities is our deep and genuine desire to keep moving forward with the best of intentions. Yet a lifetime of pain to digest for the souls bottomless pit of darkness. I know I hide in the shadows, my indecisiveness and vagueness is truthfully my insecurities of been seen in a way that feels out of reach. Not being able to recognise myself scares me, and why constantly searching for self love and acceptance is key to living my life unapologetically. I am grateful my profession has been a platform for spiritual growth and development. I must recognise that my healing has been deeply reflected by my challenges in the gym as well as my passion. I realise a part of me gets lost in the image of survival, to be suffocatingly strong all the time fills up a heart overweight and weak. For my empathy and emotional sensitives desire an expressive outlet of extension of self. I need to feel understood, mostly by myself. I have a lot of healing to do, there is a world of amazing people out there I could connect with. Yet I am stunned by the cycle of my own conditioning of pain. My cold heart is a byproduct of disappointment and pain. I feel the older we get, the less patience we have and I hope that we have the patience to love when needed for ourselves and others. For all the times I thought I understood what love was, there is something so painful about choosing yourself every single time. Setting boundaries with people and committing to your safety and security. That’s hard, I find this action to be misunderstood by many people, the conflict hurts me as I acknowledge that people make choices that is a projection of pain and control. Oh, how unaware we truly are to identify that love must be free to makes its choice on where to go in life. Love is a breath of fresh air, the tides of the waves and the roots in your garden. The freedom to coexist with your environment has been demonstrated by nature, for we are natural beings. Completely alienated from who, how and why we are/feel in this life time. The structural system to life pulls us away from our authenticity that freedom and growth truly feels lonely. For we desire to build a life of presence and fulfilment. Environment and survival - our humanness is constantly challenged by many paradoxes. Our systematic needs as a human is a very different fight for survival when our inner and external/materialistic world collides. We must coexist in a set of external rules for our inner world is unique to our own. The beauty of love and connection and how you can grow with your environment as you feel connected to your inner beliefs and remain present with emotions and reality. Emotional baggage is often carried everywhere we go, known as our conditioning. I acknowledge my lack of journalling and inner digging has resulted to spiritual disconnection. I know I have healing to do and my environment needs change. I will create space for more healing and connecting with my world.