#pitycemposting

[pitycemetery]

"avoidant attachment" and "avpd" are the absolute worst two terms for laymen to conflate because frequently you'll get hit by the "all avoidants are inherently evil and need to die alone" beam and as someone who already has the Sees Myself Very Lowly disorder it's like Oh Man Don't Even Worry. I'm On It

[pitycemetery]

i want someone to nurse me to health like a poor stray baby animal i want to be doted on i want to be loved

[pitycemetery]

having your only friend be someone who is so very loved will kill you btw

i remember when it was their birthday and i gifted them this super cute cat plushie that reminded me of them when i initially saw it in the gift store (they love cats and it was their exact favourite shade of purple and had a really cute expression) and they appreciated the plushie a lot (!) ... and then squeezed it on their bed shelf in between the dozens of other plushies they've been gifted previously from friends/family/their partner over the years and i remember watching as they genuinely struggled to fit the plushie in without the rest of their plushies falling from the shelf. and mind you that shelf is Long. their bed is king-sized!!!!!

to me they're my only friend but to them i'm just a drop of water in the ocean of relationships they have. and at the end of the day my plushie that i felt was quite thoughtful was just Yet Another plushie plonked into their infinite collection

the other day they complained to me about how they've been idolised/the centre of attention for their entire life and it's just such a reality check to me because conversely i've been invisible and lonely my entire life

i've never been gifted a plushie or anything of the sort before

what i wouldn't give to "suffer" from what they experience

[pitycemetery]

sometimes i feel as though life actually Had granted me a predestined soulmate that i was supposed to meet at some point in my life by now but just never ended up meeting because they died from an accident or illness or suicide or something to that effect

surely it isn't normal to go this long without feeling like "number one" to someone or just feeling like i can truly be myself around someone and have them actually understand me and maybe even see me as a person

everyone else seems to have that #1 soulmate (which is usually their partner or a best friend). why not me

i want to be loved too

[pitycemetery]

what doesn't kill you makes you vent at length to yourself about it on tumblr dot com

[pitycemetery]

i really dislike when my friend will ghost me but then will be active on other places where i can see... i generally don't mind being ghosted but when they then proceed to happily message and engage with their other friends in the friendship group chat that we are BOTH in! where ALL of my notifs are on! and where as a result EACH and every one of their messages mockingly pops up as a notif at the top of my screen every time they send something there! all while still ghosting my private messages...

like hoooo okay damn hahaha i'm so inhuman that they don't feel the need to be concerned regarding whether i can blatantly see that they're actively ignoring me or not....... i don't know it's just ough. it's like a little humiliation trial sometimes

maybe my messages just don't sound Person enough to warrant any timely response. i have to turn dnd on whenever it happens (very often!) just so that i can feel less embarrassed by myself

[pitycemetery]

being asked after your gender identity while having zero sense of self is charming because i don't even know my General identity

unfortunately no i do not know my gender or pronouns or preferred name. you're asking someone who doesn't even know whether they're a person!

[pitycemetery]

when i set up this blog the other day tumblr told me that i turn 20 in a couple of weeks and i kind of paused to stare at my phone screen for a moment and was like Oh. i've been so wrapped up within my mental illnesses this year and within trying to be present for everyone else's birthdays that i'd forgotten about my own birthday. also why is there a 2 there. i don't Like That