Workin’ on a DW timeskip AU with somebody and I need someplace to dump this, if anybody wants heavy PiXun angst I probably won’t post to AO3 here ya go.
Content: Prior PiXun, dead lover, mentions of Sun Quan’s alcoholism, general angst and regret
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The reports rarely changed these days. The deadlock at the northern border had persisted for years now- ground was gained and lost in a village, a road, a riverbank. There hadn't been a significant shift in years. This was good. Wu was holding the line- that’s what they had to do. Protect the land they had until they could build up a power base to challenge Wei. Sun Quan was growing old, and he couldn’t keep up the offensive any longer.
Lu Xun glanced to the side, catching a reflection of himself in the candlelight reflected on a mirror on the wall. Were those lines on his cheeks new? It had been a stressful few weeks, Sun Quan getting in another fight with a minister and ordering him executed on the spot in anger. The other ministers had nearly thrown a riot- it was all Lu Xun could do to keep them in line, and even now, weeks later, he was still dealing with the fallout.
Had he been wrong?
He stifled the thought as soon as it came up, as he always did. Of course he wasn’t wrong. Wu was always the correct choice. He couldn’t even dream of abandoning Sun Quan now, just when he clearly needed him most. Sun Quan was his lord, his emperor, his brother in law, his friend. He would never consider betraying him.
His eyes fell to a drawer in the corner, always kept locked tight. He carried the key on his person at all times, tucked into his robes like the dirty secret it was. His fingers drifted to the key, and without realizing it he found himself unlocking it, opening the drawer and letting his fingers drift over one of the treasures inside. The phoenix lifted its wings to the sky as it always had, stretched out in a blaze of fiery rebirth, returning to the world that had left it behind.
If only its owner could have done the same. Instead, he now lay entombed in the earth, even the remainder of his legacy already collapsing under the weight of the Sima family.
There would always be regrets in life. Things that you would look back upon and wish the opportunity to repeat. Lu Xun knew this. That was how men learned, became better. Love and destiny both cared little for the grandest designs of men. Love was foolish and destiny cruel. Chasing either would only result in more heartbreak.
Sun Quan’s latest orders, slurred and broken, had been borne with Lu Xun back to his office, seeking solitude. The emperor had been on his third bottle when Lu Xun had left that evening, excusing himself to finish what work he could before sleep overwhelmed him. He slept in his office most nights now, a makeshift bed cobbled together on the bench in the corner. He couldn’t bear to face Sunshi, to recount to her what a mess her uncle was making of her father’s kingdom, the one that had cost him his life before she had even taken her first steps.
Had he been wrong? Perhaps he never should have agreed to marry Sunshi at all, to have tied himself permanently to the Sun family. Perhaps the future of the Lu clan shouldn’t have been with the Sun at all, but rather…
He tried to shrug off that thought as well, but a memory of icy grey eyes, smiling back at him, planted itself in his mind and refused to be ignored. His fingers closed around the phoenix and held it up, turning it over in his hands. It was almost all he had left of him.
There was a strange sort of solace, knowing he would likely be joining his lover soon. He knew this stress was going to kill him. His health was already failing, the pains in his chest more frequent and the pain in his head never ending. But he had to make the best of the time he had. He had to make sure the land was left strong enough so that Wu could survive. Perhaps Sun Quan’s successor could do what his generation could not. Perhaps the world he left to his son…
Kang. He had been secretive lately, spending far more time away from home than was proper. Even with as little time as Lu Xun spent at the Lu family manor these days, even he had noticed. And then last week, he had shown up to assist his father sporting a small good luck charm hanging from his belt- a qirin, dancing through the clouds. Lu Xun couldn’t deny it anymore. He was watching his son make the same mistakes he had.
Yang Hu, Lu Xun believed his name was. An officer in the Wei army, one more loyal to the Sima clan than the Cao. Should Lu Xun stop it? Could he, even? No one had ever been able to stop him. It was said that parents should only desire that their children be productive and happy. The boy was studious and skilled on the battlefield, Lu Xun had no worries for his future career. He took after his father in that regard, certainly. But Lu Xun had not expected to pass on his romantic curse as well. Would Lu Kang ever be happy with someone like that, a lifetime split across borders and torn between loyalties?
Cao Pi had made him happy, yes, but he had brought a great deal of suffering to Lu Xun’s life as well. Had it been worth it to him? Even now, Lu Xun couldn’t say, so mired in regrets and guilt for everything he had done. Sometimes he wondered if he could have saved him. If he had been there, if he had led the strikes against Wu instead… had Cao Pi been destined to rule the land, had Lu Xun not intervened? Would he have been a better ruler, ruling long into old age as had been foretold? Had his own hubris stolen his lover’s destiny away? Was this all, now, his punishment for trying to stand against fate?
He returned the phoenix brooch to the drawer, his eyes resting on a scroll, bound tightly. It had been nearly 15 years since he had opened it, since he had last seen his lover’s handwriting, emotions laid bare in a few lines. He shut the drawer. The scroll would remain closed for one more night, at least. There were some things that must be left in the past, after all. Some night he would have to burn it, before it was discovered. He had never been able to bring himself to do it.
Perhaps Kang would be able to bring the peace Lu Xun had always yearned for, after all. Perhaps he and his young lover would build a better world themselves, one where men could pursue history and philosophy and whisper poetry into their lovers’ ears without fear of losing them.
