Pizza #20: Original Pronto Pizza
Very rarely are you ever going to hear me say that you are better off NOT having pizza than even having the most pathetic $.99 shame slice*, because very rarely is that true. Well, today is one of those sad days, pizza friends. Don't bother with #pizzalist's Original Pronto Pizza unless you hate your stomach and want to commit suicide by pepperoni grease.
"Best Pizza in Town", if you're really into vomiting and heart disease.
On the one hand I was excited about this pizza as it was chock full 'o cheese, they didn't waste any space on unnecessary crust, and the pepperonis were speecy-spicy**. Then I picked it up and the pools of grease that had formed on top began cascading about me like a waterfall of wasted opportunity. We can put a man on the moon, people. We can make a cheesey pizza that doesn't have to be dabbed at with a napkin like a d-bag***.
They can't all be winners. I'm sure even in heaven there's a crappy part of town with bad traffic.
This pizza left me feeling ill, which for most people who don't ignore their evolutionary instincts is a sign to not eat it any more, but I'm an American, so I gave it another shot reheated the next day. Same story. Turns out death pizza doesn't suddenly become quality over night thanks to any magical properties of my refrigerator.
Sigh. Such is life. Let my story be a warning to you, fair pizza eaters, and steer clear of the Original Pronto Pizza. Now, who's hungry for a haiku??
Drips, like tragic pizza tears
*About as rarely as Lindsay Lohan successfully completes a court sentence. #topicalhumor
**For those of you who don't speak it, that's Italian for "kinda spicy".
***D-bag= dabbing-bag. One whose "bag" is to "dab".