#pmddawarenessmonth

[pandoramsbox]

#pmdawarenesschallenge Day 19: Awareness. Last year I was ambivalent to participate in #pmddawarenessmonth. Did I want to openly, publicly identity myself as having premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)? I decided that my perspective on the condition was worth sharing. In the process of disclosing my status, I discovered that I was not alone. And not feeling alone whilst having a premenstrual disorder is a big deal. Premenstrual disorders are isolating: the battle is within, and you're at risk of hurting others and your relationships with them. Talking about premenstrual disorders forces you between a rock and a hard place, in which the rock is toxic masculinity, and the hard place is feminism. Toxic masculinity doesn't want to acknowledge that women are autonomous, complicated beings who exist for reasons that have nothing to do with catering to The Patriarchy. Menstruation is inconvenient to The Patriarchy's sexualization fantasy of the female body existing solely for its pleasure. Feminism has tried to counter the patriarchal narrative by being menstruation positive, and making natural female biological processes as a source of power and pride. Part of taking pride in menstruation is debunking myths and stereotypes about premenstrual syndrome perpetuated by The Patriarchy to demean women, and render them incompetent. When you openly talk about how your period derails your life, makes you miserable, and effects you like lycanthropy, both The Patriarchy and Feminism disapproves if you. "Don't talk about periods! That's gross!" "Don't act like a homicidal bitch around your period, you're making Women look bad by proving negative stereotypes right!" Both groups need to get over their menstrual perceptions. Toxic men need to detox their binary, male centric views of humanity. Feminists need to be truly inclusive and compassionate to all menstruating individuals. In other words, they need to embrace that reality is diverse and weird and that "there are more things in heaven and earth than are defined in [their] philosophy." [Note: it's Day 1 of my cycle, and I feel awful. Coloring my drawing sounds too laborious.] #pmdawarenessmonth2022 (at San Francisco, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CcjrudILQ47/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[pandoramsbox]

#pmdawarenesschallenge Day 9: Glimmer: "Rock and Roll" by Lou Reed, for The Velvet Underground. A "glimmer" is the opposite of a trigger: it's something that makes you feel safe and connected. Last year, during #pmddawarenessmonth I talked about how much rock concerts, and music generally, was a major glimmer for me. The use of song lyrics during my posts for #pmdawarenessmonth2022 is a reflection of its importance to me. Some, but not all of these songs are on my PMDD playlist that sums up my phases and modes of symptoms associated with it and helps me deal. Despite all the symptom complications, I can just turn to that rock and roll playlist, and it's alright. [I liked the art I made so much for this post, in all its absurdity, that I couldn't bring myself to write the song lyrics directly on it, hence adding them digitally.] (at San Francisco, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CcJtKZHJpBw/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[pandoramsbox]

#pmddawarenesschallenge Day 26: Strong. Last night, when I was getting ready for bed, my PMDD symptoms showed up like a drunken roommate. My nervous tension and physical symptoms calmed down enough so that I finally could get some sleep, and then one of my neighbors decided that 3am was the ideal time to set off fireworks. After a disruptive night's sleep, whilst willing myself to get up, because my share of a time sensitive project was due at work, so taking extra time off to sleep was not an option, I saw today's #pmddawarenessmonth prompt and thought, "Are you kidding me?" I then proceeded to rally through my day, raw irritability needing to be constantly tempered, and got the time sensitive work requests done. Does rallying through my symptoms, and keeping them from damaging relationships, make me strong? Survival and preventing negative consequences is an act of practicality, not strength, to me. Does it take strength to do that? I guess so. Frankly, I rather not have to be strong; I rather just be. (at San Francisco, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/COJvjhhBEe9/?igshid=1gwaii69i7i3b

[pandoramsbox]

#pmddawarenesschallenge Day 25: Advocacy. Engaging with #pmddawarenessmonth is advocacy. In each post I have talked about how I actively advocate for my well being, and increase knowledge of premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Open conversations, and directly stating your needs and expectations to those for whom your care is dependent is essential. If openly advocating for yourself is something you're inexperienced with, or if your healthcare providers haven't taken your complaints seriously, don't just explain your documented symptoms, explain their impact. How often has your period necessitated you take a sick day, or time off work? Caused rifts with family, friends or coworkers? Or otherwise derailed you functioning normally? Making it clear to my doctors that a chronic condition was interfering with my life and livelihood is how I finally started getting the help that I needed. https://www.instagram.com/p/COGg_wQhWFY/?igshid=1n1zjoc7cmg9t

[pandoramsbox]

#pmddawarenesschallenge Day 24: #pmddpeeps Quoting Jane Lane here may be hyperbolic, but as far as I knew before #pmddawarenessmonth started, no one else I knew had premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I knew women with gnarly periods, yes, but the causes differed. By taking part in PMDD Awareness Month, I discovered one of my role model cousins, a close friend from high school, and a former co-worker also had it. Discovering 3 other badass, cool women had it too was surprising and heartening. I never had been interested in finding a support group for PMDD, but I am glad to know that I have people to discuss struggles with who have firsthand experience. https://www.instagram.com/p/COEPCB_BDAW/?igshid=1cu04i21o8m3z

[pandoramsbox]

#pmddawarenesschallenge Day 19: Pick Up the Pieces. How do I resume normal life after PMDD upends my schedule? From a practical standpoint, it's not that different from navigating returning to a regular schedule after being sick with a cold, or similar malady. You cancel, postpone or reschedule anything that you cannot handle, or will be an ordeal to attempt, and pick up where you left off when possible. Depending on whom I'm speaking to, I explain it's because of "my PMDD symptoms," my period, "chronic condition" or "I am not feeling well and need to spend a day lying down." That bit of it is straight forward, and I have had to deal with it since high school. The hard part for me isn't the aftermath, it's accepting that, yet again, my period has derailed my ability to function normally. The level of interference is variable, as I don't know which symptoms Will manifest or when, so planning around it isn't an option. I hate letting everyone and myself down by needing to tap out of something because of my PMDD symptoms, but I know from experience that if I don't take care of myself I'm no good to anyone, including myself. #pmddawarenessmonth (at Sunset District, San Francisco) https://www.instagram.com/p/CN3pcgzBLL5/?igshid=1mli12wn8uijf

[pandoramsbox]

#pmddawarenesschallenge Day 16: The First Step. "The first step is admitting you have a problem." It's a phrase spoken in seriousness and ironically. In June 2016, I was PMSing and incredibly stressed out. I remember being in the car with my girlfriends, headed to the Kabuki 8 for cocktails in the balcony of a "Finding Dory" screening, and texting my work wife that I should be happy, but I was questioning why I didn't just go straight home after work. He told me to just have fun. And while it was a nice evening out, I remember texting him when I got home saying, I feel like it would have been a slightly better evening had I stayed home. (This cocktail "the Marlin" is what I drank at the screening.) I didn't want to disappoint anyone, and so every morning that week, when I got up to get ready for work, I would tell myself what people were depending on me to do at work that day, or that I was physically fine, so I couldn't justify taking a day to myself. It was the wrong choice. Not taking my mental and emotional health seriously was a bad choice, that led to me making additional bad choices, both in my personal life and at work. That Friday, as my boss was telling me about the issues my overreacting to something another coworker had done had caused, I realized that this event was the second instance of something similar happening when I was PMSing. I recognized a pattern and I burst into tears. My poor boss got to see me having a crying breakdown, and luckily was sympathetic. The next day I messaged my gynecologist, reported what happened and demanded help and resources dealing with whatever was at the root of this pattern of behavior that was undermining my life. That led to my diagnosis with PMDD. I had to see the self destructive pattern before I could take action. I had to admit that I had a problem and needed outside help. Luckily, I got there without doing any lasting damage to myself or others. #pmddawarenessmonth (at AMC Dine-In Kabuki 8) https://www.instagram.com/p/CNv6gkXhwA2/?igshid=24x0cpvf9a73

[pandoramsbox]

#pmddawarenesschallenge Day 11: Proud. "Proud," adjective, "feeling or showing pride." Here's the thing about pride: it's sometimes a sin, an assertion of belief in one's self, or a construct you trap yourself in. So what does this have to do with Star Trek, Spock or #pmddawarenessmonth? The iconic "Star Trek" episode "Amok Time" is usually remembered for the dramatic fight between Kirk and Spock, the first time Vulcan culture was fleshed out beyond merely being about logic, and the premiere of the Vulcan salute: "Live long and prosper." I, however, remember it as the episode where Spock has PMS and his period. Due to the hormonal changes around Pon Farr, in which every 7 years a Vulcan must mate, fight or die, Spock is having mood swings, lethargy, and difficulty concentrating. Side effects of a reoccurring reproductive cycle? Yeah, that's basically PMS. The symptoms even lead up to a "blood fever." To further the analogy, Spock is reticent to discuss what he's going through, or ask his shipmates for help. (Granted, given how xenophobic McCoy can be, it's hard to fully blame him not trusting his doctor.) It's not just societal shame around reproductive biology, it's how the side effects are undermining his polished image of self. His pride in logic and usual self control is under attack from within. When "proud" came up as today's prompt, I thought, "there's nothing to be proud about what PMDD does to me." Then I thought about this episode, and how my own pride gets in the way of asking for the help or resources I need to deal. It's also weirdly helpful to my ego to know that even Spock gets hit by reproductive cycle problems. https://www.instagram.com/p/CNiftH8Bz7s/?igshid=ozsqxq3z3h08