I'm slow and all but apparently using dating apps to make friends is not going to help loneliness. the alienation you ultimately experience from only receiving social interaction from stupid men who think you're hot until you are too weird for them to imagine fucking isn't something you can outsmart. you're playing a baseball bat at chess for dirty water to clean yourself off with. it is a stupid and useless waste of your time and energy, and to continue is to allow yourself some insanity. It might feel good for a moment but it always feels bad, and that's when feeling good isn't worth a thing. Drilling down to the depths of your heart just to measure how deeply you want to love and feel love just wounds you and wounds your love. self love is a victim here, because we borrow from it, against it, until we've run out. When we are tired and frustrated we feel anger. Anger at the self is internalized, of course; if grief is love with nowhere to go, a heart tapped out and running on the fumes of hot hate is trapped. And no matter how deeply you understand this about yourself, how you try to feel and honor your emotions and give yourself rest and care; you are never going to solve your own loneliness if no one will be with you. Hard to reach, harder still to see you at all, for what you are. Because someone who is lonely is terrifying to look at when they've been consumed by it. An empty heart, dug by hand, like a grave that wants to be filled.
