I made a post. I vented openly.
So I guess in the end, I might even have provoked people to send me anonymous asks and messages, and telling me their opinion. People sent me anonymous asks and their opinion. Well, to say at least, I got quite the reaction and contra. Which is fair, I would say.
I won’t sugarcoat it. Those anons hurt me. What they had to say to me hurt me and I feel attacked to a certain degree. However, I still feel like these weren’t so called “hate anons”. I didn’t perceive their opinion as hate in any way. They didn’t insult me. They didn’t bash me. I might have felt attacked as a person a bit here, but mostly, they stayed on topic and commented and Joe and the problem at hand. And everyone has the right to tell their opinion.
What’s really upsetting me is, that those individuals chose to do so anonymously. They hid behind a gray mask and gave me no option to find out who that might have been. To clarify here, it was never my attention to call out people who criticized me or wanted to call me out on various things, to call me out on Joe. But I wished they would have been open about who they were. This way, I could have replied to them privately, without making it public. This way, maybe I could have talked to them and discuss their opinion with them. Maybe then I would have brought up enough strength to actually discuss the whole matter, even though the wound was still fresh.
Maybe I should have discussed the accusations and actually should have given them my opinion and how I see the things. But I was too weak. I dismissed that, and just gave halfhearted replies to that. Maybe I reacted the right way, since I didn’t give them too much attention. Or even the wrong way, because I gave them attention nonetheless. So. In short, I am still very confused.
But there is another thing that hurt me deeply about those anonymous messages. It was the uncertainty. I already mentioned how it was a problem for me to not know who the people behind those messages were. The real reason is, I feared those people might have been mutuals or writing partners. I feared that those might have been people I considered close to me, and who I considered friends. It might be that my feelings might be irrational. But they were there and they are still there. And should this turn out as true, then it would feel to me like people backstabbing me. I don’t want to get back-stabbed. I think no one wants to.
This uncertainty is still pretty much eating me. In all honesty, it really confuses me even now. I started to doubt a lot, and I started to doubt people I called mutuals and friends. I even started to doubt my place within the community. It might seem a bit too exaggerated, however, that’s how I feel and how I think based on what has happened.
Those anons received a reaction from the community. This leads me to my next point.