@poltergei said: ❛ tell me your fears. ❜ — dr. shin ju-hyeok.
“ i don’t want to. ” i answered, bluntly, as if we didn’t have this exact argument every single session, as if i didn’t know that, eventually, i’d have to give him something, if only to escape further questioning. he always got what he wanted in the end, got enough information to form an opinion, and left me feeling uneasy and off balance and completely empty from telling enough of the truth to hurt myself.
which was exactly why i had avoided therapy until i was forced into it.
i tried, as he processed my inevitable refusal, before he could give me his inevitable rebuttal, to think of what ordinary people were afraid of. the dark? aeroplanes? not having a good retirement plan? i didn’t like admitting what scared me, i barely admitted it to myself, and the few times i had opened up to anybody about things that personal, it had backfired terribly. but i could see i was out of time as dr shin opened his mouth, and i cut him off by hurriedly talking over him.
“ i’m not scared of telling you, by the way, before you write that down. ” i clarified, “ i just don’t see the point. i tell you that i’m scared of what… ghosts? and you tell me that’s because my mother didn’t hug me enough as a child? ” she didn’t, but that was beside the point. and it wasn’t ghosts i feared, the dead couldn’t hurt the living, not anymore. my fears lay in what still could go wrong - enemies once lost returning for me, never being able to sleep without the same nightmares coming back over and over, dying bitter and alone somewhere dark and cold because the damage done to me as a child had turned me more into my father than anyone else could stand. “ and what would the real fears tell you? would take them away? because i highly doubt that. ”
i hadn’t meant to say that out loud, and caught myself before i continued, taking a sharp breath and tearing my gaze from him to focus on his desk, silently cursing myself - i never understood how he could get me to speak without saying anything. and that was why i knew i’d give him something, without a distraction, i was doomed to be analysed. that was just how it worked. “ there are a lot of bad people out there, and some of them have what they think is a good reason to hurt me. ” i said, quiet defeat in my voice, as i kept my eyes anywhere but on him. “ i’m scared of them. ” there was a long, heavy pause, and then i turned back to him, and offered a bitter smile. “ and, i suppose, of not being important enough for them to bother with. ” i shrugged, and nodded at the pad on his lap. “ there, i gave you two. you’re welcome. ”
