We r a poly married couple for more than 9 years, from the middle east which means polyamory is illegal and lgbtq is punishable by death. Naturally we can rarely find poly ppl and it’s hard to find poly social groups to share the common poly problems which made me try to share online here . There problem that I’m facing and sorry if it’s a bit long or maybe basic for the poly community, but perhaps you or any of ur followers can have any good advice or input.
I met a girl about 6 months ago that’s not poly and very conservative but we hit it off instantly as friends. I decided that I’m not gonna tell her that I’m poly so she doesn’t get scared away as this will be a very weird concept for her conservative nature. We had a very amazing chemistry and connection to the point that turned us to “close friends” in few months but deep down i know i loved her. And at times i felt that she loved me too. Even my wife noticed how she looks at me and told me that she does love me. but she is too decent to admit it to a married guy. One night we were a bit tipsy and she actually kissed me then she regretted it immediately and since then she is taking a huge step back.
She said that we must stop going out alone and only within our group and that we will treat it as if nothing happened. I was happy for a moment knowing how she felt followed by a heartbreak for how our relationship is becoming now.
My wife even offered to tell her everything about our lives and how we function but I’m afraid that it will push her even further. I would rather be platonic close friends rather than have her think we r weird or extreme and scare her off completely from my life. For now things are going in the direction of friends just in our social groups but not our 1 to 1 close friendship as she is feeling guilty. I want our friendship to be back but I don’t know how to tell her that that kiss was ok and not wrong or cheating on my wife.
Generally speaking, I agree with @polyamandhellaglam's answer on this question, and have some additional thoughts.
You need to be really clear and honest to yourself what your goal here is. Is it to preserve the friendship? Or to eventually have this blossom into a relationship with said woman?
Because if it's the latter, you need to be really clear and unambigious to yourself when you are going to tell her about your polyamorous arrangement. Because if this is going to be a relationship, you have to tell her at some point. You cannot have her forever assume she is leading you into adultery. Make this threshold specific - not "only when I feel it's appropriate", because you never might. But something like "if she breaches the topic of our kiss" or "if she expresses interest in a relationship" is objectively measurable.
Also, it is not clear to me if you told her you enjoyed the kiss. This is another aspect to consider. She might feel as is she was the only one responsible for the kiss and pushing you into something unethical (which you know not to be the case); so she probably has a lot of guilt attached to it. Not saying you should go and tell her now if you haven't. Merely consider what she feels like.
If you can at all socially afford to, I would tell her about how this instance was not bad, at least. But do respect her boundaries, and tell her that you will. Tell her everything you have to tell her beforehand. It may very well be the case that she won’t be okay with the situation, ever, sadly.
Out of curiousity, are you that same couple from this other post? (numerous cws about discrimination of polyamorous and queer people apply to linked post)