List of polyamory resources
This is version 1.0 of this post, published 23rd December 2020 (UTC).
General Literature
Below is a list of the most commonly recommended books on polyamory.
More than Two - One of the most famous contemporary books on polyamory. My main concern with recommending it is that there have been serious abuse allegations raised by one of the authors, Eve Rickert, against the other author, Franklin Veaux, allegations supported by other members of their polycule. It is also, as far as I remember, really gung-ho about “everyone should own their own feelings” and leaves not a lot of room for empathising with your partner or dealing with their insecurities. I haven’t given it a read-through since, but I am told (again, this is hear-say) that Franklin’s negative philosophies influence the book. (To put it more bluntly: It is allegedly easy to arrive at a point of “My feelings are my own, so it is my fault I feel abused” from the book’s premises).
In fact, this was the reason why I have hesitated for so long to put up this list of resources. I have considered not putting the book in the list at all, but we are still at a point where a lot of people recommend it and I would rather that people know about the background instead of completely keeping it under wraps. Plus, I find the book does have a lot of good points, just... take it with several pinches of salt.
Ethical Slut - Ethical Slut, to me, is less an intro to polyamory and indeed more of an intro to ethical non-monogamy. (I am talking about the 2nd version, that’s the one with the brown cover from 2015). It spends a lot of time deconstructing certain stereotypes about sex-negativity (which did not do a lot for me, I already knew I liked sex, lol). It seems written more from the perspective of opening up an existing relationship, which was not my reality of life - I joined an existing polycule while single. I read it at a time in my life when I was already in a polyamorous relationship and could not relate to a lot of reservations the authors spend a lot of time deconstructing. I find it lacking on info on metamour dynamics, for example (to the point that the word doesn’t even appear in the keyword index). This may be different in the third edition (the 2017 one with the violet cover).
Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory - have not read this personally, but I have heard good things. I think it lacks the problems of the other two books.
Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator - a book that talks about the milestones we tend to take in our relationships, such as moving in, marrying, etc, and how to find out if they are actually important to you.
Jealousy Workbook - have not read that one either, seen it recommended a lot.
Discussing and defining your relationship and identity
These are some models you may find helpful. None of them are all-encompassing or useful for everybody. All models are, by necessity, simplifications, but some are useful.
The diversity of love relationship concepts by Kirsten Rohwer - the comic which succintly explains different concepts
Attraction Layer Cake - a tool to visualize the different kinds of attractions
Glass Ceiling Questions - a list of questions you should discuss at the the start of a non-mono relationship
Queerplatonic relationship request form - another tool to define what you want from a relationship
RADAR - framework for regular relationship check-ins
Love Languages - a model for describing what actions make us feel loved and how we express our love
Common pitfalls
Unicorns-R-Us - taken from the website: ‘A "unicorn" is a beautiful (of course!), single polyamorous woman willing to be sexually and romantically involved equallywith both members of a couple in a closed relationship. The unicorn is expected to be with both of them, and will not be allowed to have any other partners. [...] Couples usually discover such a woman is almost impossible to find. This Web site explains why.‘
The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship - on disentanglement
Common mistakes in poly relationships (from the More Than Two website, so the above disclaimer applies)
