Polyamory Advice

resources & advice about polyamorous love, life, sex & relationships

[polyadvice]

I can't stand my metamour - how can I change our damaged relationship?

1st poly relationship. Metamour made the first move, though I've been friends with Primary longer. In 2020, Metamour and I moved in together until Primary could join us in our first apartment. We got along great! Then when Primary moved in, Meta changed. We had a tiff over intimate situations, and Meta started letting a lot of responsibilities and chores around the house fall on me and Primary. It led to many, many, MANY fights and stressful nights. Now, me and Primary are living in a separate location, and Meta is still in the first apartment, of their own volition. I like them as a friend, sometimes, but there's so much anger and aggravation left over, I worry I can't stay with Primary, who is the love of my life, if it means having to interact with Meta all the time. Primary has done as best as they can to keep the peace but it's up to me and Meta to solve this problem. I don't know how to forgive them. What can I do?

I mean, do you have to? If you don’t like being around this person, is it an option to just…not? You’re living with your Primary, and their other partner has their own place, so if Primary wants to see Meta, you don’t need to be involved.

If you don’t want to stay with Primary “if it means having to interact with Meta all the time,” then you know what your desires, needs, and boundaries are. If there’s a way to stay with Primary without having to be super close and present to Meta, then great! Figure out how to make that happen, and then just accept the fact that there’s a person around the edges of your life who you don’t particularly like. Be civil when you have to, stay out of their way, don’t complain to Primary about how Meta bugs you, and let all parties involved live their lives.

If, however, Primary insists that they only want to date people who all get along, or if they’re pressuring you to spend more time around Meta, or if you simply find it intolerable to be in a relationship where you can’t stand your partner’s other partner, then you’ll have to decide whether to leave the relationship or try and make things work with Meta.

I can’t give you step by step instructions on how to forgive someone when it feels difficult, or how to retrain yourself to like someone who really bugs you (I am, personally, NOT well skilled in either of those) - but you could try some of the tips here. Really, though, it sounds like your best bet is to just give this person space, expect nothing from them, and live your own life while they live theirs.

[polyadvice]

I could have enjoyed being polyamorous, but I've built a good life that doesn't allow for it

Not even sure what I'm asking .. In the last year, I've realized I'm polyamorous. I know my partner is not and is not open to it. (We've discussed it casually in the past.) Our relationship is good. We have changed and learned together and overcome a lot. We've been together as friends, dating, or married for about 18 years now. This isn't a relationship I'm willing to break. I guess I'm just sad I'll never get to experience this part of myself. In some ways, I wish I had figured it out when I was younger, before I was in a committed relationship. Any advice on coping in a healthy way? (Hey, I figured out what I'm trying to ask.) I don't feel any resentment toward my partner, so at least there's that. I know suppressing things usually isn't a great choice...but this is the decision I've made. Any advice or comments/perspectives welcome.

I think you’ve basically answered your own question. You have made this choice, and you’ve decided to commit to this choice. Ultimately, we can’t live in the land of “what-if,” and we have to make the best life that we have, right where we are.

All choices require some kind of sacrifice, and we all have to figure out how to live with that. Some of us choose to travel the world, which requires letting go of a rooted, stable, white picket fence life. Others choose to settle down, which doesn’t allow for globetrotting adventures. Having children, not having children, moving to a new city, staying near your family, pursuing a PhD, investing in a career - it’s all the same.

The job you take is the one you’ll complain about. The person you marry is the one you’ll fight with. The grass will always look greener in the land of “what-if,” but actually, the grass is greener where you water it.

You’re not the first person to grapple with the bittersweet grief of letting go of the-life-that-could-have-been. Perhaps my favorite depiction of this very human experience is Sylvia Plath’s allegory of the fig tree. However, unlike Plath’s narrator, you’re not standing there and letting the figs fall off and rot as you struggle to make a decision. You’ve reached out for a plump, juicy fruit and accepted that, because of the way linear time works, this choice necessarily excludes other ones. And now you’ve taken the very healthy route of choosing to focus on the sweetness of the fig you’ve chosen rather than get longingly distracted by the ones you didn’t pick.

Could you have been happy doing something else? Probably. But then you wouldn’t be doing this! I think accepting the limitations of our “one and precious life” and making the choice to be happy with what’s in front of you is a far cry from “suppression.” Congratulations on making a life that fulfills you and brings you joy. Good job committing to that life and staking out your place on that patch of green grass. Enjoy that fig.

[polyadvice]

Being in a polyamorous relationship is horrible for my mental health

I can't seem to handle being polyam. I can't stand my bf being with other people. The stuff from the past was harmful, things we both did to each other. I can't get the negative view of my bf out of the back of my mind, he isn't that person anymore but I haven't been able to unsee it anymore. I used to want to explore with other people sexually but I feel as if I only want him, I don't think polyam is for me anymore. But it is for my bf. And it hurts so bad because I love him so much. But I have a mental breakdown everytime he goes out. He does everything right honestly. But I can't stop over thinking and catastrophizing. I hate myself and I fear he will leave me for someone else. I keep comparing myself to people he has sex with. Once I get in that mindset I can't get out. I have problems with anxiety and depression both severe. I'm on meds and have been for 2 years but I can't find one that works. I don't want to yell at him or be rude or make him feel bad but idk what to do. I'm in therapy but I hate it and need to find a new therapist but I can't until my new insurance kicks in. I want to be better but I don't know where to start I feel so lost I feel alone I feel like I'm drowning in my own self hatred. I know I'm mentally ill and I'm trying to do things right but nothing seems to be working. I realized very recently that I said hurtful things to my bf because I wanted him to hurt how I did, how he hurt me. Which is utterly wrong and disgusting of me. He isn't that person anymore. He's great to me and I don't deserve him. I don't know what to do.

It sounds like polyamory just isn’t healthy for you. Maybe it could be under different circumstances, after finding the right therapist or the right medication cocktail, but that’s not really relevant. No one is obligated to “therapize” themselves into being okay with something that feels painful or unpleasant.

A relationship should help you feel like your best self. If you’re in a situation that’s triggering you into behaviors you feel are “utterly wrong and disgusting,” that’s not okay.

It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or that you didn’t try hard enough to be in a polyamorous relationship. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with your boyfriend, either. It just means the circumstances aren’t working for you, and that you two aren’t compatible.

Imagine if two people were dating, and one person got the dream research gig up in the Arctic. Their partner thought they could handle moving up there, and that it would be a fun adventure and worth it to stay with their partner. But once they got there, the freezing temperatures and long dark nights took an immense toll on their mental health. It doesn’t mean that they had failed, or that they were wrong to try. It does, however, mean that now they have more information about whether that arrangement would work for them, and that they need to leave the Arctic so they can live their best life and be happy and healthy.

I wish you good luck finding a therapist you can work with and continuing your journey to live a life that feels fulfilling. Part of that journey is figuring out what helps you be your best self and live your best life, and then acting on that information. It sounds like staying in a polyamorous relationship isn’t right for you at this time. Ending things with your boyfriend will hurt, but it will free you to pursue a relationship that’s going to meet your needs and help you grow.

[polyadvice]

I recently started dating a couple, but realized I want different things from each person

I've recently started seeing an already established couple, my first time doing any sort of poly stuff. While I like both of them and don't mind being sexual/affectionate towards Person A, I really only want to be in an actual relationship with Person B. Idk how to bring this up without it seeming like I dislike Person A. I just feel like Person A and I don't mesh super well romantically and if we tried to actually date each other then I'm worried it would end badly, and I don't want that to happen because I like Person A as a friend and don't want to lose them or Person B.

This might turn out to be a non-issue. If you’re okay being sexual and affectionate with Person A, and that’s the kind of relationship Person A wants with you, then you’re all on the same page. Whether you feel like internally labeling it “an actual relationship” is less important than whether what you’re doing is working for everyone.

You say that “if you tried to actually date each other then…it would end badly,” but also that you have “recently started seeing” them - so maybe you’re overthinking this, and the way you’re currently relating to each other is working fine. You’re anticipating a change (from whatever you’re doing now to “an actual relationship”), but why do you think that change is necessarily going to happen?

The best way to figure this out is to ask both people, probably during a handful of low key conversations, both one-on-one and together, what they want and expect from you. Are they envisioning a “balanced” situation where you’re dating both of them as a unit, or are they okay letting your relationship with each individual develop in its own way? What does Person A expect from you?

Then, once they’ve explained to you what they want, you’ll have a better foundation for your response. If they’ve brought up anything that isn’t what you want to do, then let them know that the expectations are mismatched. Instead of saying “I don’t want to actually date you,” try defining specifically what types of things you do and don’t want to do with this person. Then figure out if those are things they want from you. If they are, you’ll need to figure out how to re-set expectations and either find a compromise or conclude that this won’t work for you. If they aren’t, then congratulations - you don’t have a problem!

[polyadvice]

Should I date someone older than me, with a kid?

I am 19 years old and I recently started talking with a guy, who is 7 years older than me and happens to have a kid from a previous relationship... I really like him but I don't know if it is normal. Should I run away?

Yeah, my advice is not to date this dude. You’re at completely different stages in your life, and you’re going to have different values and needs. Probably best to keep your options open and stick to dating people in a more similar situation as you.

[polyadvice]

My partner needs to move his schedule around, which makes it nearly impossible for me to see him

I've been a part of a poly relationship for about a year now, we are all busy people and so we made a rough schedule for spending time together. Torvald and I always hang out on Wednesdays as it's the only day that consistently works for both of us. He works late Monday, plays games with his friends and primary (we'll call her Jespor) on Tuesday. I spend time with my primary (unrelated to Torvald or Jespor) on Thursday, and Sunday. He spends Thursday and Friday with Jespor. And we all three spend time together Saturday. But today he told me that he wouldn't be able to hang out on Wednesdays anymore because he wants to watch a TV show the night it airs for the foreseeable future (with Jespor). I feel very hurt by this. I understand I'm not as important as she is and I probably don't have any right to be upset, but I feel like I'm being shoved aside for something that could easily be done the next day. He said I might be able to come over for a little bit after the show gets over, but that would be fairly late and I work early and it makes me feel like a booty call. I don't know how to communicate this to him without coming across as controlling or needy. Plus I feel like making a big deal out of this will make spending time with me feel like a chore. These are my best friends and I don't want things to turn out badly.

This is likely a case of the “message sent” being different from the “message received.” The only thing he told you is that he can’t hold Wednesday nights as your hang out time any longer, but you received a lot of messages about your importance to him and how much he values your time together.

Which is understandable - I’m not saying that you’re wrong to feel hurt! Just that it’s important to engage with the things he’s actually saying and doing.

There are plenty of ways to bring this up with Torvald without being “controlling” or “needy.” Let him know that you really value your one-on-one time with him, and since it’s not going to work out on Wednesdays anymore, see if he can work with you to come up with a solution. It’s really great to have standing weekly dates with important people, but life changes and schedules do shift. Is it possible for you to hang out with him on Thursdays and shift date nights with your primary to Wednesdays? Or, since he’s adding another day with Jespor, could Fridays become your night?

It’s OK to ask other people in your life, including your other partners, to make adjustments. Adult life and real world relationships often require this sort of flexibility. Holding a night of the week for someone’s schedule is not a lifelong commitment and everyone involved is entitled to make changes. Someday someone else will really want to take a class that only meets on Tuesday evenings, or get a promotion that requires them to work late on Thursdays. Managing this with grace and without taking things personally will be important.

It’s also completely fine to talk to Torvald about how this makes you feel less important and pushed aside - without accusing him of actually devaluing you or pushing you aside - and let him know what would help you feel more secure and cherished in the relationship. If you can’t spend quality time together in the evenings, what kind of connection is important to maintain? Is there a way to make hanging out later in the evenings not feel like a “booty call?”

You say that you’re afraid that bringing this up will make you “seem” a certain way or that it will “make” Torvald feel a certain way. Remember that you are not psychic! If Torvald is someone who is dating you, it’s likely that he enjoys spending time with you, he doesn’t resent you for desiring his attention and affection, and that he wants you to be honest with him about your desires and feelings. If he acts in a way that demonstrates anything else, don’t date this person. Partners should always welcome this kind of honesty, and anyone who punishes you for it is not someone you ought to be dating.

You’re also well within your rights to ask him if he would be willing to wait 24 hours and watch the show with her on Thursdays. Again, he might not realize how important this is for you, or he might not have communicated something important about the fandom experience he wants to have. But none of that can happen without a conversation! Don’t frame it as a “confrontation” or a “demand,” just an open dialogue about how you’re feeling and what you’re wanting. Let him respond in his own way - either by collaborating with you to find a compromise that works for everyone, or by demonstrating that he’s not willing to do that and thus not someone worth dating.

[polyadvice]

My partner takes her anxiety out on me

One of my partners struggles with anxiety. She experiences irritability as a sign of her anxiety. This often means that in situations when she's anxious she will snap at me or say rude things, and sometimes means there are several hours where we're just sitting in the tension - something that sometimes triggers my own anxiety. The longer we're together, the harder I'm finding it. I find myself being hyper vigilant to try and make sure nothing triggers her (e.g. she gets anxious when plans are derailed or something goes wrong, so I'm often catching myself trying to pre-prepare to the nth degree all the time).

This isn't something she's asked me to do, and when I've brought it up as a topic of conversation she has reassured me that I'm not responsible for her anxiety, which I can then reassure myself when she's feeling anxious moments (i.e., reminding myself that just because she's tense/irritable/snapping at me, it isn't actually to do with me). But otherwise, our conversations around the topic haven't been very productive. Quite often conversations end up with her saying she's a bad girlfriend or a bitch because of her anxiety, which puts me in a position where all I can do is comfort her.

How can I bring the topic up in a way that shows I want to be there and support her, but I also have my own difficulties during these times? I don't want to make her even more anxious in these moments that she might be upsetting me, like I'd rather she had someone she could be comfortable with even if she's snapping at me than she keeps it all bottled up.

Anxiety is a very real condition, and it can be debilitating. I myself deal with serious anxiety. So I’m not trying to minimize or victim blame here.

However.

Having a diagnosis of a mental illness is supposed to be a tool to help us feel better and do better, because now we have a name for what’s going on, and we know what sorts of things work to help address the issue. They are not free passes to fully explain and excuse behavior because we ‘can’t help it’ or because it has a DSM-recognized label.

It’s not cool to snap at your partner. It’s not cool to be rude to your partner. We all do this sometimes, especially when we’re anxious or distracted or under pressure or otherwise feeling irritable. However, as adults in relationships, we should take steps to apologize and address the issue when it happens, and to reduce the frequency with which this happens.

Your partner should not be treating you like this to the point where you feel “hyper vigilant.” That’s not okay. You deserve to feel calm, safe, happy, and respected when you’re around your partner. Period.

I understand that you want to be someone she can be “comfortable” with and not feel the pressure to “bottle up” or otherwise mask the symptoms of her mental illness. That is a good goal to have in a relationship! However, snapping or being rude to you doesn’t sound like it actually helps reduce her anxiety, nor does it sound like she’s meeting you halfway and doing work on her part to minimize the amount that she dumps her anxious negativity onto you.

It sounds like when you ask her to try and cool it with this behavior, she gets ashamed and defensive. That makes it hard for you to have a healthy conversation about it, and it’s not fair. You’re putting in the emotional effort to ride out her challenging behaviors, and she needs to also put in the emotional work to address this ongoing pattern. If anxiety is the cause, then she needs to work on her anxiety. She needs to do her work and see a therapist, do some workbooks or online courses, take up some healthy practices, consider trying out medication, and find other outlets for her irritability besides you.

Also, you need to find a way to let go of feeling responsibility for her anxiety. It sounds like she’s actually trying (whether or not she’s being successful) to not make it your problem. There is a big difference between “I feel anxious” and “I feel anxious, YOU NEED TO FIX IT.” Your job here is to develop some “vibe shields” that can reduce your “absorbency.”

Sometimes something is just not your problem and not actionable for you. You cannot solve your partner’s anxiety and you shouldn’t be expected to. Take her at her word that she doesn’t want you to get all wrapped up in it, and that her snapping at you is not her demanding that you take it upon yourself to start addressing it.

Practice adopting the mindset of “I wish unsubscribe from this material” or “This is not my department.” Sometimes I literally picture a garage door type of thing sliding down over my mind and body, blocking the energies that someone else is putting out. Sometimes I just literally leave the space or find something else to focus on. You need to find the practice that works for you.

Once you start trying those two things - asking her to manage her energy and doing your best not to take on her emotions - then you’ll need to reassess whether those things are working. If it turns out that this problem can’t be resolved between you two, then you’ll need to think about whether you’re willing to stay in a relationship that’s making you feel like this.

[polyadvice]

I just started dating a couple, but one member of that couple has problems with me spending alone time with our partner

I just got into a poly relationship with a couple who have been together for five years, we've been friends for three, we've all been dating for a month now. They have a whole pattern of existing already. We're all new to polyamory. We all spend time together really well, me and her alone is okay, but she gets jealous when I spend time with him alone. I want to be able to spend time equally with both of them alone without her getting upset. I don't know how to approach the topic since it's all new and I don’t want to hurt her, but I also want to fully enjoy both relationships I have with them separately as well as together. He wants to spend time with me without her being upset as well. Do you have any advice for gently talking boundaries for a new relationship?

We all learned (or, at least, we were all supposed to learn) in kindergarten that it’s generally not okay to do things that make other people feel upset or hurt. So I don’t want to tell you that you’re wrong for caring about this, or that it’s a good idea to just go around doing things that you know make other people - especially people that you care about! - feel upset or hurt.

HOWEVER. As adults in relationships with other adults, it’s not always feasible for your goals to be based on someone else’s feelings. You say that you don’t want her to be upset, but there’s nothing you can do to control her feelings, and sometimes, people are just going to have feelings. You can’t change them and you can’t take responsibility for them. This person chose to enter into a polyamorous relationship with you two, and she is responsible for managing her choices and behaviors in this situation.

My question for you, to start, is how do you know that she “gets jealous” or is “upset?” If there is some behavior of hers that is making this relationship untenable, if she is treating you coldly or picking fights or something, then you can talk to her about that. You can let her know how those behaviors are affecting you, and clarify what needs to change for this three person relationship to function in a way that’s healthy for everyone.

Theoretically, all three of you have the same goal: for him, you, AND her to be comfortable, happy, healthy, and functional within the relationship. You’ll want to ask her what you and he can do to help her feel more secure, and if she asks you for things that are possible and reasonable, try doing those things. Then it will be your turn to let her know how this is affecting you, and what you need from her to make the relationship work.

Ultimately, she needs to manage her own emotions and not make them your responsibility. If she just needs to work through these feelings, then try not to make them your problem or get too fussed over them. Someone can be out in the world being upset without that needing to take up emotional real estate in your head. Figure out whether you and your new partner can navigate your togetherness without constantly worrying about what she might be thinking, and then if there is an issue, address her actions rather than the feelings you’re perceiving her to have.

[polyadvice]

I live with my partner and his wife, but it's not working out

I'm lost in my connections atm. My current partner and I have a nesting relationship with his wife and two kids. This situation has lasted for over 2 years. I have two ldr partners as well. My nesting situation has been filled with empty promises, lack of commitment, and metamour jealousy. My nesting partner tells me I'm the only reason he has pulled through the last two years, but I feel like I'm slowly trapping myself and I don't know if it's just anxiety. The kids see me as a second mom and I'm the main pet provider too. An ldr has wanted me to move in for over a year and I feel like the kids, pets, and my job are the only reason I haven't. Am I wrong for feeling lost and kind of tired living this way? I don't want to lose my nesting but I feel like we shouldn't be nesting partners anymore.

You are absolutely not wrong for feeling lost and tired! Think about this like a big information gathering experience. You moved in with your current partner, his wife, and their two kids. You learned that you are great with the kids and the pets, and that there are things you like about this nesting situation.

But you also learned that there are things that don’t work for you, and that a relationship with your partner and/or his wife will include broken promises and jealousy and other things that you do not want in your relationship.

It is now okay to act on that information! You are not obligated to stay in a situation even if parts of it are working, or if other people are relying on you. The fact that you like some parts of the arrangement doesn’t mean you need to put up with the rest. Leaving will be hard and painful, but something being difficult doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do.

Take the next step in your information gathering journey (because that’s all life really is). Allow yourself to collect data on how your relationship will change when you leave the nesting situation and how you like living with someone else in a different arrangement. Then, continue to act on the best and most recent information you have. That’s all any of us can reasonably be expected to do!

[polyadvice]

My partner agreed to open our relationship, but has been acting distressingly over it

im always open about wanting a poly relationship, but recently I realized I cant do mono forever & told my partner. They were a little hurt, but ultimately said they wanted to open the relationship. Since then though, they've broken down crying about it twice (haven't even been with anyone else yet). I dont feel right about this, but they keep insisting its better than losing me. They refused counseling with me, & idk what else to do. Theyre REALLY going through a lot rn, but idk if i can stay

Don’t stay in this relationship. Someone “going through a lot” doesn’t obligate you to stay in a relationship. If you’re at the point of “I don’t know if I can stay” and “they refused counseling with me,” it’s time to get out. When you said you needed to change the terms of the relationship, they may have said that they will abide by those new terms, but their behavior shows that they are not. You don’t need my permission to leave this relationship, but you have my support and encouragement.

[polyadvice]

My wife is experiencing a change in her sexuality. How can I support her without losing what's important to me about the relationship?

I’ve been with my wife for 10 years and we recently got her off the pill when I had a vasectomy. Now, she has found that she is attracted to another woman. She doesn’t know what it means as far as whether she wants a girlfriend, or what she would even be ok with sexually with a woman. We never even discussed opening the relationship until very recently. I am not interested in other partners or losing a ton of time with her. Is there a way to make it work?

I think this is one of the best and most easily answered questions I have EVER gotten. Major kudos to you, dude!

Most people in your situation write to me and say that they feel “jealous” or “insecure” or “uncomfortable” and I have to try and walk them through what, specifically, they are worried about, and see if those concrete things feel easier to address, triage, and strategize for (they usually do).

But you, good and wonderful sir, kind letter writer, instead said that you were not interested in two specific things: you having other partners, and you losing a ton of time with your wife.

The great news is that those are both completely possible to work around and address!

First, you do not have to have other partners. You do not have to decide that “opening up” your relationship means that you’re suddenly cruising kinky singles pages together or anything like that. Your wife can explore her sexuality with other women without it affecting anything except, specifically, the time she spends doing that.

Which leads (so neatly! so perfectly!) to your next concern: losing a ton of time with her. That is a completely reasonable concern! I imagine that you married this person precisely because you enjoy being around her. (The fact that three years into the pandemic your primary concern is not getting to hang out more with your wife makes my heart explode with joy.)

Due to the laws of physics, any time she spends out having sex with or dating women is time that she can’t be home hanging out with you. So, in many ways, this is a “zero-sum” issue, which can be tough in relationships! But you don’t say that you won’t abide ever missing out on time with your wife - you’re worried about losing “a ton” of time.

So think about what “a ton” would mean for you, then work backwards to something you feel reasonable and mature about tolerating. Maybe every Friday you hang out with your friends and she’s free to have a date night, because you wouldn’t be hanging out with her anyway. Maybe you decide that you’re OK with her going out as long as she plans it in advance so you’re not Surprise Alone on random nights. Or maybe you’re less fussed about specific times she does other stuff as long as she honors your Date Nights. Your worries might be entirely unfounded - she might also be envisioning the same sort of arrangement as you. Work together, knowing exactly what’s important to you, to make this work for both of you.

Which leads me to your final question: Is there a way to make this work? My answer is YES, because of you. Your attitude - “let’s figure out how to make this work” - has led you to the right place.

You’ve already identified what are your “non negotiables” in this, which means you’ve also identified where you’re open to change or compromise. Starting from here, you’ll be able to honestly and openly lay out for her what you want, how you’re feeling, and what she can do to make this go smoothly for you. Then ask her what you can do to help this go smoothly for her. You’re both on the same side, the same team. You have the same goal: make it possible for your wife to pursue something new and exciting without damaging the relationship you two have and cherish.

Please also note! This process I’ve described will lead you to a lot of specific relationship rules, but those can be dangerous. Be sure to always follow the spirit over the letter of the law and check in frequently about whether they’re still working for both of you. Be flexible and always assume good intent. These tend to relax in practice before they relax “officially,” which can lead to situations where the fact that someone has committed a “betrayal” or “violation” is worse than what they actually did, which isn’t helpful.

[polyadvice]

I've been dating polyamorously, but now that I may be getting a divorce, my other partner wants us to go mono

I have been in a serious relationship with my partner for almost 6 months now and I was very upfront with him about being poly and married. I have started to have serious problems with my marriage that may end in divorce but now my partner is suddenly asking me to not be poly anymore if I get divorced, he says that he realized that he hates sharing me and he couldn't handle me being with anyone else. I'm not sure how to handle this, I'm fine with mono relationships but he's being pushy about it.

If you would be happy dating this guy monogamously, then you are well within your rights to decide to shift the terms of the relationship like that! You were polyamorous when it worked best for you and your relationship, and monogamous under the same circumstances.

But if you don’t want to date that guy monogamously, then you don’t have to! You can tell him that you are not interested in changing that term of the relationship, and if he can’t stay in a relationship with you on those terms, then you’ll have to sadly part ways. Only you can decide!

However, it sounds like you’re more worried about his pushiness and the way he’s framing this change. Even if you could theoretically be happy in a monogamous relationship, that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to try it right now, right here, with this guy. If you don’t like the way he handled the request, that’s a completely valid reason to turn down the request. If he made a reasonable request in an unreasonable way, it doesn’t really matter that the request was initially reasonable.

If he’s generally behaving in a way that feels pushy (a word you used) or even possessive or controlling (words I acknowledge you did not use), then you can reconsider the terms of the relationship on that basis alone. Have you ever told him “no” before? Is this part of a larger pattern? Note that 6 months isn’t a whole lot of time to date someone, especially since at least some of that time has been shared with the emotional turmoil of your marriage struggling. Note also that some of the language you used when quoting him sounds very, well, controlling and possessive.

I’m not usually one to go the “trust your gut” route, but if you don’t like how he’s being with this, I think you should take that as a strong signal. My advice is to hold firm that the relationship is and will remain a polyamorous one, and if he’s not okay with that, it will need to end. If he tries to argue or push back or demand monogamy or otherwise not take no for an answer, that is NOT a sign that you should have gone monogamous, it’s a sign that you should LEAVE the relationship rather than continuing to negotiate for it.

[polyadvice]

One of my partners dislikes one of my other partners - what should I conclude about this?

So I am currently in a V relationship (Still have NRE from new partner), but have a few comets that I interact with. One of my partners doesn't seem to like one of my comets and gets mad whenever I had mentioned them. Is this something that you think is problematic? Does this seem toxic or is it more insecurity?

First, I must get on a soapbox. If you want to skip straight to me actually trying to answer this person’s question, scroll down.

I hate to say this because it makes me sound like an out of touch boomer who thinks “cancel culture” is the same as “my grandkids don’t think the tv shows I like are funny,” but I don’t know how else to say it - you’ve got to get off tumblr. Or tiktok. Or whatever corner of advice, language, and ideas you’ve been hanging out in.

Because I can’t actually answer the questions you asked.

First, you described your partner’s behavior in 2 sentences, then asked me if I think it’s "problematic.” I don’t know what that means! Does “problematic” just mean “problem causing?” What is a “problem?” Is it anything that causes minor annoyances, or does being “problematic” mean that something is a serious relationship issue requiring examination and change?

And what does it matter if I, an anonymous advice blogger, think it’s problematic? It’s your relationship! What would you gain from knowing whether or not I think it’s problematic?

What are you really asking me? Are you asking me if I think you should break up with this person? Are you asking me if I think your partner is behaving 100% reasonably? Are you asking me what I think you ought to do in response?

Then you ask “Does this seem toxic” - again, you’re deferring to whatever my perspective is on this issue, like I’m some high court of relationships. Plus, the word “toxic” - what does it mean? It’s just as vague as “problematic,” and I genuinely can’t help you here.

Finally, you ask “Does this seem toxic OR is it more insecurity?” Friend, first of all, you can’t contrast behavior with mental state; those aren’t an either/or situation. People can behave in “toxic” ways because they feel “insecure.” One doesn’t exclude or excuse the other. It’s not like there are two categories of people: “toxic, problematic people” vs. “people who are acting out of insecurity.”

Second, I do not know your partner! I do not know you! I do not know your relationship! You’ve given me two sentences, and then asked me to make a ruling on whether a person is being “problematic” or “toxic,” then asked me to theorize about their emotional motivations. You cannot reduce a person to those labels! People are complex!

The focus on psychoanalyzing the people in our lives and sorting them into neat categories is something I am seeing a lot in corners of the internet that focus on relationships and well being. I think it is an unhelpful worldview, because it leads real people with real, unique, complicated problems to reach out for advice with a framing that will render any answer meaningless.

Here is where I actually answer the question after parsing its framing:

If your partner’s behavior is bothering you, you have a right to speak up about it. And you get to decide how big of an issue this is. If it’s something that bothers you but isn’t feeling like a major unmet need - like, of course it would be nice if all my partners got along, but I can’t realistically expect that, so let’s just agree to disagree and be civil - then you can ask your partner as a matter of politeness to just keep their thoughts to themselves. If they do, great. If they still don’t, then it’s a matter of them being rude and not respecting your reasonable request.

If it’s something that is causing problems to the point that you’re reconsidering the terms of your relationship, or if it’s impacting your relationship in a significant way, then you’ll want to address it differently. You’ll want to be open with your partner about how it’s affecting you, and ask them where these comments are coming from. You two then need to talk about how you’ll manage a relationship where metamours dislike each other like that, and you may even find that you have irreconcilable differences about that.

You can also decide to shrug it off if it doesn’t bother you enough to want to make an issue out of it. There is a wide spectrum of completely rational responses to this situation, depending on your specific individual circumstances. All of it has to do with really concrete questions, like: “How do those statements make me feel?” “Am I okay feeling that?” “What needs to change for me to be okay?” “How is my partner responding to my questions and requests about this?”

Other people might make different choices in your situation, and that’s okay! No one else gets to be the arbiter of what you should or shouldn’t tolerate in your relationships. Focus on what you need and what and how you’re feeling and what you’re doing - that’s the context you need to determine whether something is actually a problem.

[polyadvice]

I like a guy who is also in a polyamorous relationship - how do I figure out whether he's open to dating me?

I have crush on this guy, but this guy is in a polycule with 2 other people, I don't know if they are in a closed relationship, and i'm only really close with one of them but i want to get to know them all better, but how do I ask if they are open?? I don't want to ask them out if they are in a closed relationship, but I'll never know if I don't ask if they are open, but if I ask and they aren't then it might be obvious that I'm into them??

Oh this is an easy one!

You just gotta ask!

You say “hey, I’m wondering, your relationship with Mondo and Siriano, how does that work? Like, would you be open to dating other people? What would that look like?”

I promise, it’s totally worth it and actually very low risk! There are a few possible outcomes for telling them, and they almost all are win-win:

The guy you’re crushing on tells you that they are open, and you get to have a friendly conversation about how he and his partners approach dating and stuff like that, and you get a potential ‘in’ for future flirting and pursuit of that changed relationship.

The guy you’re crushing on says “nah, we’re a closed relationship” or “I’m not really open to dating” or otherwise brushes it off, and you get your answer and can continue being friends without this question hanging over you. If he figured out from this question that you were into him and his partner but knows that will be an unrequited crush, and he’s a good friend, he’ll gloss over that part and pretend not to have noticed.

If he for some reason figures out that you’re into him AND gets weird about it or it damages the friendship, that’s actually an okay outcome too. You get to find out where you stand with this guy and you don’t end up staying in a friendship under terms that make it difficult.

You can’t lose here! You’ll get an answer to your question and valuable information on how that relationship will look going forward.

Best of luck!

[polyadvice]

My long term partner cheated on me, and now we're trying polyamory, but he's not very good at it

Been in relationship for almost 19 years. Partner over the years has secretly had relationships with various woman at different points in time. Eventually I find out. I am hurt by the betrayal and lack of honest communication. I forgive and partner never wants to stop having relationship with me. We recently started looking at polyamory. Still navigating and seeing what this looks like for myself. Partner begins talking to a person he has cheated in past with multiple times. I have strong negative feelings about this. I want open and honest conversation but this does not make me feel this the case. I feel that polyamory discussion was brought up to open the door for relationship with this other woman. I see a lot of positive in polyamory and would like to explore but Partner messaging this woman causes jealousy that I am having a hard time processing. He reassures that he loves me and would never hurt me but is standoff on discussion about polyamory. He states "I will control who i text, call, talk to, like, hate, love or want." which I respect but I would like open communication. This woman is supposedly poly as well according to partner. Who is in relationship with a man who is not interested in poly. He says they both agree not to go forward past friendship with my consent. But I resent they had this discussion prior to my partner and I having discussion on what poly means for our relationship. My partner says he doesn't want to be controlled. I am the major decision maker for our house, family and finances by default. He tends to not want to be and puts the final say to me. Does he resent that?? Am I wrong to want more open communication about our relationship and this relationship with this other woman?

I understand that the dissolution of a 19 year relationship is a major thing, but my recommendation is to throw the whole man out. He has a history of being dishonest with you and secretly going behind your back to do things he knows you’re not okay with. Whatever he is promising you now, I doubt he will keep those promises.

He is already not doing a great job at making this relationship transition. He is refusing to have open communication and accusing you of trying to “control” him when you express ANY needs or desires here. And it sounds like he has you convinced that this is somehow your fault, or at the very least, not his fault.

Leave this dude. You are not wrong. You have given him MANY chances to demonstrate that he is capable of being in a happy, healthy relationship with you on a variety of different terms. He has never succeeded. You have made compromises, but he has not met you halfway.

I know it will hurt like hell, but I’m going to have to refer you to Whole Man Disposal Services. End this relationship and find someone who treats you with respect, honesty, and consideration.

[polyadvice]

My metamour chose a name that is very similar to mine

I have just learned that my metamour (who is gender queer and uses they/them pronouns) is switching to a chosen name rather than their given name. The name they have chosen is extremely similar to my name (the same four letters, just two letters are swapped places). It makes me kind of uncomfortable that our names are going to be so similar now and I think our shared partner feels a bit odd about it too. I really want to support their exploration of their gender identity and I know that a name one feels comfortable with is important, but it just makes me feel uneasy. Even as I write this it feels a bit petty, but I think it is compounded by the fact that we haven't had the best relationship for about a year and they have felt a lot of jealousy/insecurity about my relationship with our shared partner.

That definitely sounds like a weird situation, but my advice to you is to just try and let it go.

When people choose their name, especially as part of a transition or gender exploration, there’s usually a lot of soul searching and personal significance that goes into it. It’s highly unlikely that they chose that name as an attempt to bother you or influence your relationship with your shared partner. It very likely has absolutely nothing to do with you, and is just a coincidence.

In that case, if you Make A Deal Out Of This, then you’ll look petty and insecure, and it’ll be a bad look. There are only so many names out there in the world, and sometimes we have to share. (I had five - FIVE! - girls named Ashley in my first grade class.)

And if they did choose it in some part because of you, that’s their problem. I can’t imagine that such a choice would come from a healthy place, whether it’s jealousy or idolization or something, and I just feel bad for someone who is so emotionally stuck in issues around their metamour that they would choose a new name for themselves based on that. But even in that case, that’s really about them, and it doesn’t really affect you.

If that is the case, then if you Make A Deal Out Of This, you’ll only be giving them what they want. If this person is acting out of some weird power play or insecurity, other people will be able to see that pretty clearly, and you’ll only look extra gracious if you rise above it.

No matter what, the best thing you can do is just privately agree with your partner that it is a little odd, and then move on. I know plenty of polyamorous people who have partners with the same or similar names, and it’s actually very manageable. If someone else makes a comment about it, give it a shrug and a smile, and say that you appreciate their good taste in names as well as partners.

[polyadvice]

I like a guy, but he's in a polyamorous relationship and I don't want that

Me and this guy like each other but he is also in a poly relationship. I want to date him but i don't want to have to "share" him if that makes sense. We really like each other though. How do I tell him I don't want to date him if he is also dating other people?

You can just tell him that: “I really like you, and I would like to date you monogamously, but I don’t want to date you if you are also dating other people.”

Then, he can do what he likes with that information. He may say “then we aren’t compatible - bummer!” or he may say “then I’ll leave my relationship for you!” Either way, you’ll have your answer.

People say this to me all the time - it’s a pretty common situation. It’s very possible that he doesn’t want to leave his polyamorous relationship for you, and that’s his decision to make. It’ll sting, but you’ll live - nearly everyone has been through the pain of liking someone who can’t or won’t date them for any number of reasons.

Best of luck finding someone who wants a monogamous relationship with you, whether it’s this guy or someone else!