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“Old Wounds Heal Slowly” Polybomb

NAME: “Old Wounds Heal Slowly”

FANDOM: Shipgrumps

CHAPTER: Part 6 of a Series (Expand My Heart)

PAIRINGS: Egobang, background polybomb and egoflaptor

SUMMARY: A filled commission for @lygerzero14 . After six months together, Arin's relationship with Danny and Brian seems to be reaching new heights. As Arin watches Danny's relationship with Brian deepening, however, he realizes that his interactions with Danny are staying on the surface. Is it possible that Danny can only love one man - and that he's simply too afraid to tell Arin? Old paranoia rises to the surface - but Arin's pretty damn sure he can handle it alone this time, even though it's never worked before.

RATING: E.

WARNINGS: Miscommunication, paranoia, angst with a happy ending

WORD COUNT: 14,121

AO3 Cross Post: [x]

Commissions are open!!

Buy Me A Coffee, if you’d like~

It was absolutely incredible how six months could fly by in a blink. As Arin settled into his chair in the office, he leaned back, embracing the last few precious moments of procrastination before everyone else arrived – and allowing his mind to wander to the two men he was most eager to see.

As much as he loved them both, Danny floated in front of his mind’s eye first, smiling and laughing and vivaciously beautiful, and Arin let his lids fall shut with a smile. Six months. After the amount of time he’d spent waiting on him, it felt like no time at all – yet here they were. Next weekend would be their sixth month together in a relationship, and he couldn’t wait to celebrate.

It would have to be a surprise, of course, and nothing too fancy; Danny would balk and run at anything that didn’t let him wear jeans or that stupid leotard. Dinner would do well...then maybe a movie they could riff over while pretending they weren’t eager as hell to make out instead. He could see it now: Danny would keep checking Arin out, and five minutes later Arin’s impatience would explode as he crawled in his boyfriend’s lap.

He could imagine Brian laughing at them both now – or not. Maybe that was real.

Arin peeked through one eye, and when he caught a glimpse of graying hair and a head full of curls he grinned, leaning forward to see them both. Just before they could pass by the doorway Danny grabbed Brian and pushed him up against the wall, then kissed him – quite bravely, Arin thought, given how long it took him to figure out he wanted either of them in the first place. But something was different about this one. After that searing kiss, Danny pulled back half an inch – and lightly bussed his nose over Brian’s. A nuzzle, like Arin might give Suzy.

Sappy. Romantic. Sweet.

Not for the first time, uncertainty spread through Arin’s belly.

Without even a glance in his direction, Danny took his ringing phone out of his pocket and answered it as he hurried away, and Arin watched him go. Eventually his eyes wandered to Brian. Brian leaned there a few seconds more, a blissful smile on his lips, and let out a deep sigh before he looked at Arin. As soon as their eyes locked he came to him, going around Arin’s desk so he could bury his fingers in his hair. Tingles shot down Arin’s spine. Brian guided him in for a lush, warm kiss – his tongue sliding straight into his mouth as he let out a low moan – and, more than anything, Arin wished that it was enough to chase away his feelings of insecurity.

Brian loved him. He knew that for sure. Brian touched and cuddled and made love to him with dizzying intent, and Arin felt his regard down deep in his marrow.

Danny, though…

“Sure we can’t take the day off, boss?” Brian drawled as he pressed kiss after kiss to Arin’s lips. “Just you...me...Danny...a bed...hell, let’s take the rest of the office, huh? Make it an office bonding orgy.”

“You’re fucking ridiculous.” Still, it did the job: Arin laughed. He squeezed Brian’s hand once before shoving at his chest. “Go, go on, the faster we get this done, the sooner you get to suck my dick.”

Brian simpered at him as he backed away. “Well, with promises like those, who even needs to pack a lunch?” He disappeared before Arin could throw a retort, leaving him blissful as he sank down into his chair.

Blissful...for all of five minutes. And then it was time to think again.

After the disaster that happened while Arin and Suzy were away on their anniversary trip – and how Danny had almost irreparably damaged his relationship with Brian – the two of them rebuilt immediately. No signs of weakness remained. Just two boyfriends drowning in each other. No one could look at them and doubt their love.

Yet Danny, it seemed, wanted to keep Arin at arm’s length even still. He couldn’t figure it out. What was it that made Arin’s relationship with Danny so different from Danny’s relationship with Brian? Was that what it took to get close to Danny – a disaster?

Arin tried to work through logic every time that he faced a problem, but moments like this brought him to a screeching halt. He’d think and think and think and find himself in a circle that he couldn’t get out of. People helped – Suzy, Brian, and oddly even Ross – but alone?

All he could think of now was how Danny had always been a one woman kind of man.

In every story Danny had ever told him, no matter how many girlfriends or lovers or one night stands he’d had, he’d never been a cheater, and he swore he never would. When he was with a girl, no matter if their relationship was for an hour or a year, he was loyal to her. Was that something ingrained in him? Monogamy? Arin fell in love with someone new every hour, but maybe he was the exception to humanity’s rule. Maybe the majority of people could only fall for one person at a time.

And maybe Danny hadn’t realized that yet. Maybe he didn’t know that the only person he was really able to be in love with was Brian.

Stop. Arin raked a hand through his hair with a huff. You’re a fucking idiot, Jesus Christ, will you listen to yourself? This is Danny you’re talking about.

Danny was sweet. He didn’t intentionally hurt people. He tried his hardest in everything he did. He wouldn’t just be waiting for the opportunity to break Arin’s heart.

He was trying. And Arin had to believe that. A relationship was built on trust, and he knew that more than anybody.

He stood up and snagged an agenda from his printer, going into the hallway. He’d lead everyone through what major tasks they had to get done before the end of the week. He’d do his job. And later he’d pull Danny aside and find a way to remind himself that their relationship was as strong as ever.

~~

Danny sighed as he flopped onto the couch beside Arin, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Okay. How many videos are we recording today?”

“Like a million.” Arin tossed a controller at Danny’s stomach and laughed when he jumped. “Hope you drank your energy drink.”

“Gross.” He dropped his hand from his eyes and caught Arin’s gaze, then smiled. The microphones were constantly recording, yes, and they were more than a little careful about what they said in the studio for that very reason. They could never guarantee the editors wouldn’t make a mistake and leave something crucial in the recording and accidentally out their relationship. Cameras, though? Never on. They could get away with staring at each other as much as they wanted. “You’re gonna be a tyrant, aren’t you?” A bright grin spread across Danny’s face as he flicked his eyes up and down Arin’s body. “Probably won’t even let me have a bathroom break.”

“You’ve gotta earn it.” Arin sat next to him and drank in how Danny didn’t look away. He recognized it immediately – the spark of interest in Danny’s eyes – and he thrived on it, tucking it away in his gut, where he felt an answering flame rise to meet it. Even with the lies his subconscious whispered to him about the depth of their relationship, Arin could never doubt that Danny wanted him. He only had to take one look at him to see it. Feel it.

Work came first. Regardless of how suddenly Arin wanted to bury himself in Danny’s arms and chase away all the fears he had, he knew there were way too many videos to record before their con appearance in a couple of weeks. But we can spare a kiss. Those were quiet. And no one was there to accidentally film it.

Arin reached over, cupping Danny’s cheek, and leaned in-

And Danny pushed him away with two hands on his chest and a bubbly laugh. “Gross, dude!”

Pain ripped through Arin’s chest. He furrowed his brow and sat back again, opening and closing his mouth before he remembered there wasn’t a thing he could safely say. But he couldn’t remember the last time Danny had rejected him so...succinctly. Why was it that easy for him?

Did he really not care?

Danny was already off, talking about the game they were going to play, and when he looked at Arin he frowned in the middle of his monologue, looking at him with clear confusion. Did he not realize, then? What he’d done?

Why was that so difficult for Arin to believe?

Arin picked up his controller, took a deep breath, dug down for every aspect of the improvisation classes they’d taken, and seized hold of his best acting chops. “Welcome back!” he said as cheerfully as he could, pushing forward.

And Danny, instead of questioning it, only laughed and looked back at the screen without a care in the world.

Filming went easily enough. No technological mishaps. No true rage. They had a solid chunk of editable content by the time they finally threw down their controllers – but Arin was exhausted. He’d put on a brave face for hours straight without even taking a break. Fuck anybody who says this job is easy. He sat back and closed his eyes, letting out a deep sigh. Let’s see them do comedy for five hours in a row.

“You think we’re good?” Danny asked as he stood up. “Can I go grab a late lunch?”

No, Arin wanted to say, because we still haven’t talked about what we wanna do for our monthaversary, and I think you’re trying to put some distance between us and it freaks me out, and if I end up going to lunch alone I know all I’m gonna do is sit there and brood for a fucking hour.

But he didn’t say that. He opened his eyes and studied the inch of bare skin beneath Danny’s shirt hem as he stood on his tiptoes, arms reaching toward the ceiling, and tried, against all odds, to be better than that.

“Are you busy next weekend?” He skimmed his eyes slowly up Danny’s frame until he found his face, waiting for some recognition to come through. Nothing.

“Maybe? I dunno. Guess I’ve gotta look.”

Did he really have no idea? Was he clueless? “Maybe you should,” Arin prompted. “Maybe you’ve got something to celebrate.”

Danny laughed as he headed toward the door. “Right, we know how much of a party guy I am now. Makes perfect sense.”

Arin stiffened. “Just, y’know, keep it open if you see you don’t have any plans, okay?”

“My weekends are pretty full, though, most of the time!” Danny sounded as cheerful as ever. Oblivious.

For some reason it pissed Arin off far more than it should. He stood up and shoved past Danny to get to the door first. “Well, have a great time, then,” he muttered as he let the door shut behind him.

If he calls my name, I’ll stop, and I’ll tell him why I’m mad, he promised himself, jaw tight. But the studio door didn’t open behind him, and so Arin walked on and tried his best to leave his anger in it.

~~

The rest of the day, anxiety plagued him. He struggled through a meeting. He barely focused as he went through his fanmail and gifts. Time slowed until he thought he was going to explode. The second the clock ticked over to closing time, he was the first one out of the office – a Grumps first. He couldn’t handle it anymore. All day he hadn’t heard from Danny or seen him, and it only confirmed his fears.

He needed someone else to listen. Someone who could help him figure his shit out. Suzy, bless her, was always going to take Arin’s side for as long as they both lived, and she was out for dinner with a friend that night anyway – and that meant he was left to choose the most intelligent person he knew.

Probably not wise, necessarily, to do anything that made it look like he was pitting one boyfriend against the other, but Arin was at the end of his rope. He sent off a text to Brian at a stoplight, asking him to come over as soon as possible. The sooner he dealt with it, the better.

He didn’t anticipate the waiting being quite so bad. He’d missed traffic fortuitously, but within five minutes of sitting listlessly on his own couch and staring into space he realized that Brian would’ve hit it no matter what. He should’ve done something to distract himself. He should’ve pulled up a game or opened a sketchbook or put on an anime he’d been neglecting – but he couldn’t. He was lost in his own misgivings, and he couldn’t find his way out.

With how things started with Danny in the first place, Arin always believed he’d be able to handle it if Danny had to be a little more hands off than Brian did. Brian was a romantic, through and through, even if he was a kinky little shit, and he never made Arin feel like he wasn’t wanted. They’d figured things out one day at a time, and because of the care they’d taken – the care Brian forced them to take, especially – each day together their relationship had only deepened. It was amazing. It was like falling in love with Suzy all over again – and yet not. Something entirely different that he was still getting used to.

Danny, though, he’d been scared, hadn’t he? Everything had almost blown up among all three of them more than once. He and Brian had to outright seduce him into their lives, when everything was said and done – using sex as a tool to help Danny relax through his panic – and from then on, Arin told himself not to be too disappointed if sex was all he could give them.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if Danny was only giving Brian sex too. But he wasn’t. They were head over heels for each other, and Arin was stuck watching it from the sidelines.

He jolted when he heard someone try the door before they even knocked, and he stood, feeling numb as a ghost as he glided toward it. The second he saw Brian’s concerned face, he threw his arms around him, and his boyfriend hummed as he pushed his hand through Arin’s hair. “Hey, hey, I’m here.”

“I know you are.” Arin had been trying to build up to a joke, maybe, or teasing, but the words came out so mournfully that all he could do was sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Brian kissed his temple, and Arin let his eyes fall shut. “It’s not an emergency, is it?”

“No, I just...” Arin shook his head and huffed out an unconvincing laugh. “Fuck, dude, do you ever do that thing where you get stuck in your own head and can’t get out?”

“Sometimes.” For once, Brian didn’t quip. Arin was thankful for it. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Did he? He’d rather keep it all inside and let it fix itself, but that had never worked out well in the past. Memories of choking himself on his own paranoia as a teenager flooded him. He finally nodded and backed up, taking Brian’s hand and leading him inside. “You want something to drink or whatever?”

“I want to know what’s wrong, and to hold you, and to help.”

Arin shut the door a little too hard and leaned against it. Why did Brian make it so easy to love him, and why did Danny make it so scary? He stood there for a long few seconds, feeling himself shake, then pushed away and walked past Brian to the living room, hearing him follow behind.

He made Brian sit first, then took the other couch without comment – he wanted to be able to see him to talk this through, to get through his frustration without getting caught up in the idle comfort of Brian holding him close. It was dangerous, letting himself give in to the lull of physical touch. He could almost use it to pretend that nothing was wrong in the first place. It would work until that night, when Arin was in bed and struggling to fall asleep and feeling the walls close in around him, tighter and tighter until he couldn’t breathe.

No, this way was better – and he’d see it through.

“It’s about Danny,” he said by way of opening, and he couldn’t miss the way that Brian sat up just that little bit taller. “We didn’t, like, have a fight or anything, don’t worry – at least, I don’t think we did.” Had they? Had Arin done something wrong that Danny was punishing him for in some small way? No matter how much he tried to remember, nothing came to mind, and he threw that concept out the window. “It’s about how...how you two get along.”

Brian wrinkled his brow, but he kept his mouth shut. Small favors. Brian was better at listening than Arin and Danny combined.

Arin knew he could hem and haw about his thoughts for a good hour, if he let himself, but the fear on the back of his tongue didn’t give him that option. Not today. So out it came. “He treats you sweeter than he treats me. Have you noticed that?”

Brian’s eyes widened. “What?”

“Like, romantically! He treats you like you’re a fucking king!” The words burst out unexpectedly as he leaned into the couch and covered his eyes. “I don’t mean, like, when we’re all three in bed or whatever – he treats us about the same there, doesn’t he, how he just lets himself fucking go and fucks the shit out of us – but outside of it, you get the special treatment. You get the kisses and the handholding and the dates, and-”

“Arin, I don’t understand. Slow down. What are you talking about?”

“I don’t think he loves me!”

Silence. The panic spread down his throat, thick and acidic, and he shuddered, dropping his hands and staring at the ceiling.

“He doesn’t treat me like he loves me, Brian,” Arin finally said slowly. “He treats me like he wants to fuck me, and that’s it. He holds me back. He acts like we’re just friends, unless all three of us are together. But he doesn’t do that to you.” The memory from earlier that day – how easily Danny had nuzzled Brian – stung. “I thought...I could handle it. I’ve got the most incredible wife anyone could ever imagine. I’ve got an awesome relationship with you. All that says I should be pretty okay with my other boyfriend being just a fuck buddy or whatever, but goddammit, Brian, I love him too much to settle for that.”

“Arin.” Brian sat forward, reaching for his hand, and after a long moment of hesitation he let him have it. “Listen to me. I understand that...that something has you upset right now. But can you listen to me for just a few minutes? Can we work through this together?”

The sweetness Arin was privileged enough to hear on this man’s tone – Brian, who had more fun making people squirm than anything – was rare enough that he knew he should relax. He didn’t. But he did press his lips shut and hope that would be enough to keep his fears at bay for just a little while.

Brian squeezed his hand and took a deep breath, staring at the floor between them, and Arin let himself take a long look at him and marvel at how his mind worked. He really did want to help, didn’t he? A man like this who for years refused to believe that he was attracted to Danny just because he knew he couldn’t have him – who, for all intents and purposes, could have a relationship only with him instead, rather than Arin who was sitting here and dragging him into his own drama. Arin had a wife. Arin didn’t need another partner, and he knew that he was being fucking difficult as shit right now...but Brian hung in there. Brian loved him. And that was remarkable and more than Arin had ever deserved.

“I’ve known Danny for a very long time,” Brian began slowly. “Much longer than you. We’ve been partners in business since far before you and him started to work together. We’ve already been through a lot of the muck of fighting and friendship and drama. We’ve screamed at each other like we were kids in high school before. Do you know what I’m saying?”

“You know each other better.” Arin tried not to sulk.

“I don’t mean it like that.” Brian leaned forward and kissed the back of Arin’s hand, and that soft contact alone made him sigh out another ounce of tension. “Because we’ve got that solid foundation...maybe it was easier for Danny to transition our relationship. That’s not bad. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It just means that Danny probably doesn’t really know how to compartmentalize the man he is when he’s recording with you, and the man he is when the cameras are off.”

Arin didn’t like the sounds of that. Brian and Danny, it was true, they’d known each other for years before Arin came along. He knew surely that Brian wasn’t suggesting that Danny needed that exact amount of time before he could start acting like a boyfriend to Arin, but…

...goddamn, it was tempting to think of it like that. Tempting to be terrified out of his mind and let the fear rule him. Tempting to let it drive him to confront Danny and talk all this out once and for all.

“Is that really what’s going on?” Brian murmured. He sat on the edge of the couch, and even without looking at him Arin could feel the concern rolling off his body. “I’ve never seen you like this.”

His head felt too heavy for his body. He hung it low, staring at his own feet, his hand going limp in Brian’s grip. “...I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Like...like someone might be better for Danny than me.” He snorted. “Like, obviously I know you are, in a way – that’s what polyamory is all about, right? Knowing that somebody can’t be someone’s everything – but I used to have some confidence that I gave Danny something you don’t. Like I was still irreplaceable somehow. And I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel like he’s figuring that out. Like he knows he doesn’t love me.”

“He loves you.” The firmness in Brian’s tone made Arin jerk his gaze to his face. “Listen to me, Arin, he adores you. He thinks you hung the moon. He’s been passionate about you since he even knew what it meant. But he shoved you in a very specific hole in his mind – his best friend – and that’s gonna take time to come out of.”

How much trouble was Arin causing Brian right now? How many times was he going to make Brian repeat the same damn thing over and over again until it finally got through Arin’s thick skull? You’ve gotta do better than this. He felt it again – that fear. Keep it up, and you’re gonna drive him away too.

Brian stood up and took Arin’s other hand, standing directly in front of him and looking more worried than Arin had ever seen him. “Do you wanna go get some dinner? Talk a little more?”

Every single cell in Arin’s body wanted to say yes. Brian was strong. He was irrepressible. It would be easy for Arin to snuggle up against him and drain out his strength. But he couldn’t do that, could he? He had to stand on his own two feet. He shook his head. “No, I...you’re right. Everything you said was right. I’ve just gotta remember it, don’t I?”

Brian was quiet. He wore a frown that caught Arin’s heart and squeezed it tight. “We can still talk about it. I’ve...seriously never seen you quite like this before. I don’t even know where it’s coming from.”

Instinctively Arin knew what he meant. Arin bled confidence out of every orifice. He’d built an empire, first through animation and then through entertainment. Him, the high school dropout with only limited opportunities. For all intents and purposes, everything should’ve fallen to pieces around him when he was barely sixteen. He never should’ve gotten this far – and that meant a man like him was supposed to strut around with his nose in the air and a cocky smirk on his face because he was invincible.

The problem was that Arin had been waiting ever since he made that move toward his uncertain future for everything to fall apart around him. Everything. And, for the first time, it truly looked like it might.

“I probably just need more sleep,” he said, forcing a chuckle as he let go of Brian’s hands. “I’m just, like...running my mouth about stupid shit. It’s fine, dude, don’t worry. You’re right. I need to think through this and tell myself why it’s irrational or whatever, right?”

“You don’t have to do it alone. You know that.” Brian came down on his knees in front of Arin, his handsome face filling his vision. “I know I give you shit all the time, but I know when to turn it off. I’m here for you. I could be here all night, if you needed.”

Having Brian be this serious, every ounce of humor sucked straight out of those concerned eyes, only made guilt fill Arin to the brim. Any moment now it was going to spill over, and the last thing he wanted was for Brian to see it and think Arin was weak. “No, it’s okay, seriously, I think I talked it all out. I’ve just gotta have some me time. I figure shit out better that way.” He pulled a smile that felt like it looked pretty genuine as he stood up, and Brian sat back and tipped his head to see his face. “Unless you wanna make this position make sense…?” Arin managed to tease.

Brian rolled his eyes as he got to his feet, one hand on the coffee table to stabilize himself. “Funny. Yes, Arin, let me suck out all your worries straight through your dick – how did you know my ulterior motive all this time?” But before Arin could laugh, Brian wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in, tucking Arin’s head against his shoulder. Warmth flooded him, as if Brian’s love was flowing straight into him, and he fisted his hands in Brian’s t-shirt and squeezed his eyes shut even as his lover began to speak. “I’m just a phone call away. Don’t forget that. Don’t do that thing where you try and do everything and work yourself half to death. I deal with that enough from Danny.”

Just that one mention of the man plaguing Arin with concern made a fresh flush of anxiety shoot through him, and he knew then and there that he had to get Brian out of his house before he lost it. “No, yeah, you’re right. I’ll get some sleep. Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you tomorrow. No big deal.” He rattled off platitudes as he pulled back and guided Brian to the front door by the hand. He gave him one searing kiss, then forced another smile. “Drive home safely, okay?”

Brian heaved a sigh. “If I must.” With one last kiss on the cheek, Brian pulled away, and Arin shut the door behind him and leaned heavily against it.

He was fucked, and he knew it. This was going to be a long night.

~~

“Hey baby!” Suzy smiled as she kicked off her shoes at the front door and padded into the living room in her stockings, wrapping her arms around Arin on the couch from behind. “Did you already eat?”

“Yep.” It was easier to lie to her when he wasn’t looking at her. Easier still to pretend that he hadn’t put on an anime and stared at the screen senselessly while he built himself up to nausea fervently worrying about his relationship. “How was dinner?”

“Good!” Suzy kissed Arin’s cheek, then paused when she saw his profile. “You okay? You look all gross and pale.”

Arin rolled his eyes. “Thanks, babe,” he said with a dry chuckle, but when she still didn’t pull away he forced himself to look at her. Dear, sweet, strong Suzy, who’d held him together through thick and thin – who’d gone so far as to let him do this whole polyamory thing without questioning it even once. Did she even know how remarkable she was? How much Arin didn’t deserve her? He palmed the back of her head, feeling her smooth hair, and let out a sigh. “Just feel weird, I guess. Got some things I’m thinking about. Might be up late tonight.”

Suzy frowned as she squeezed his shoulders in another quick hug. “Want me to sit up with you?”

Arin tried, more than anything, not to bother Suzy with any frustrations he had about Brian and Danny. As kind as she was being to let him figure out his relationship with them, she didn’t deserve to be bogged down with their issues too. What if they upset her? What if she got jealous and decided to go fix things herself, even if it meant yelling at his boyfriends until they yelled back? How quickly would everything fall apart? He swallowed down the lump in his throat and shook his head. “Nah. I’ve gotta figure it out on my own. I’ll talk to you about it when it starts making sense, okay?”

It didn’t take a mind reader to see that Suzy wasn’t happy with that idea. “I don’t want you to be alone if you’re sad.” She kissed the top of his head and nuzzled into his hair, unknowingly calling up images of the exact incident Arin knew he needed to forget. “You’ve got so many of us that love you now. There’s literally no reason you have to go through something alone-”

“I know.” He winced from the sharpness of his own tone and tried to shake it off. “I know. I’m sorry, I just...”

“Arin?”

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” He guided her into a quick kiss. “Don’t worry about me.”

Suzy pouted, but her expression clearly said that she knew Arin’s mind was made up. “I always worry about you, baby.” She stood up and moved to the door frame, where she paused and looked over her shoulder. “Will you come get me if you need me?”

Arin smiled at her even as his foot pounded out a rhythm on the floor. “Duh. You’re my number one wife.”

“I better be,” she teased, but he’d been with her for over half his life now, and he could see how she was struggling to pull together good humor. She went to the bedroom, and Arin flopped on the couch, trying not to think about how much of an inconvenience he was for every single person around him.

Somewhere as the first hour passed, he began to feel restless, yet like he was chained to the couch. Comfort waited for him upstairs – cuddles, a quiet and calm voice in the darkness – but he didn’t feel like he’d earned it. For the first time in an eternity, he found himself gripped so thoroughly by his own pain that he couldn’t escape it.

So he gave in.

The night crept on as Arin played and replayed every way that his relationship with Danny could self-destruct without either of them even really trying. He’d been so forceful with getting him involved. He should’ve waited. He should’ve stopped being an asshole and snapping about how long it was taking him to get his dick out or whatever. So what if he and Brian had to restrain themselves around each other because it made Danny nervous? He should’ve just dealt with it.

And let him be, what, homophobic like that? Arin’s thoughts taunted him. Yeah, sure, that would’ve been a much better solution.

What if Arin had been the one to kill the relationship before it even got started? What was the fucking likelihood that Danny, who was the sweetest and most affectionate man who’d ever lived – practically a puppy – knew that he didn’t love Arin, but just hadn’t found a way to tell him yet?

If Danny broke up with Arin, would Brian feel pulled between them? Would Danny sit there on his dates with Brian and badmouth Arin?

What if he’d already been doing that and Brian was too loyal to tell him?

How long has this whole thing been fucked?

He could practically hear Brian’s voice in his mind, begging him to be patient, and, just as easily, Arin shoved it away. Who could be patient when their heart was pounding in their chest and ice was spreading through their veins?

In the wee hours before the dawn, a specter of fear hovered over Arin, and he refused to let it catch him. He came to his feet, grabbed his keys off the table, and left the house in his bare feet. After so long of doing nothing – barely even breathing – his body was stiff and sore, but the actions that had felt so impossible in the moment were suddenly the only things that felt like they could save him. He did them without thinking. Start the car. Pull out of the driveway. Drive toward the freeway. Get on heading toward Danny’s house. One thing after another, interspersed between the awareness that he had no idea what he was doing or why he was doing it, only that he needed an answer from Danny now, before things fell to pieces--

The second he’d parked in Danny’s driveway, crooked, he climbed out of the car with it still running and took purposeful steps toward his door. Finally he was doing the first sane thing he’d done all day. Even in his sleepless, exhausted head, he knew it made sense – perfect sense.

He knocked on the door. Nothing. Knocked again. The third time he knocked it flew open with a half-frantic Danny standing there. “Arin, what’s wrong, is everyone okay?”

Arin planted a hand on Danny’s chest and pushed him inside – walls were safer than standing in the open air where even the sun was coming out to judge him – and asked the question that had been playing on his mind for over half a day. “Do you even wanna be with me?”

Silence. Dead silence. Danny – beautiful Danny, perfect and owner of such a huge part of Arin’s heart – stared at him, mouth hanging open and brow furrowed. His eyes were glossy. His hair was ruined. And his lips weren’t moving.

He had nothing to say. Seconds that felt like hours ticked by until Arin knew, really knew, that he was about to cry in front of Danny – and he refused to do that and be just another inconvenience for somebody.

Besides, he already had his answer.

He slammed the door behind him as he left, jogged to his car in a desperate attempt to leave the silence behind, climbed in, and drove. No destination. No plan. Just trying to get as far away from it as he could.

It still caught up to him, just like a demon feeding on his pain – and, helpless to resist it, he spent the first half hour of dawn crying his eyes out on the side of the road.

~~

“Where the fuck were you?”

The second that Arin stepped inside, Suzy threw herself at him, the morning light streaming in through the open door. She trembled as she held him close, and he felt it with only faint stirring guilt – he was too exhausted and numb to feel, much less respond to her.

“You never came to bed, you weren’t here when I woke up, you left your phone here...” Suzy’s voice shook as she rambled on, and Arin squeezed his eyes shut. “I-I didn’t know where you were! Danny’s been calling for two hours, Arin! What happened?!”

He couldn’t say anything. Do anything. Everything was trapped in his chest, sealed shut. It was a small blessing, he supposed – anything was better than giving into those tears again like a child – but it left him dead inside. The guilt lifted its head a little higher. He was standing here, being held by the woman he’d pledged his whole heart and life to, and he was steely cold because he’d lost another lover? What kind of man was he?

Any other time, he might’ve heard soft voices lifting in the back of his mind and soothing him – reminding him that they’d started this new ethical nonmonogamy thing together, that he’d simply been so safe in his tower of marriage and happiness that he’d forgotten what it felt like to be broken up with. That it was no wonder the pain was twice as heavy as it had been when he and Suzy had briefly gone their separate ways when they were younger.

But he bludgeoned those voices, kicking them down to the ground, and left them there to bleed out as he stood in silence, simply taking short, shaky breaths.

Suzy guided him to the couch at some point and sat with him, but he didn’t catch the words that surrounded him. He saw Danny’s face staring at him in his mind’s eye, so quiet because the game was finally up. Because Arin knew. Too ashamed to say what Arin needed to hear, but letting the silence speak for himself.

Eventually Suzy stepped away, and Arin followed her with his eyes, feeling a bubble of panic pop in his gut – instincts made him fear that she was leaving him too – but once she was in the entryway, he heard her talking on her phone. “Hey, Brian.”

Brian. Fuck. He sat back with a heavy sigh and closed his eyes. He forced himself to listen to her side of the conversation, no matter how difficult it was.

“Yeah, he’s home. I don’t know. Danny told me he went to his house last night and left pretty fast?”

Arin’s jaw tightened.

“He’s not talking to me. No, it’s...not normal. It hasn’t been like this in a while.”

Suzy had been there since they were kids, practically, just two teenagers wandering around in that anime convention, Arin trying to set up his lonely buddy while pretending that he himself wasn’t already feeling the spark of chemistry between them. She’d seen everything – those devastating bouts with anxiety when the shitty comments he received on his art had been so high in number that he hadn’t been able to laugh them off anymore, when she’d held him close while he was at his most nonverbal.

“I can’t call Danny. Brian, I’m pissed as hell at him! Something happened! It can’t just...no, if I see him right now, I just know I’m gonna wring his neck.”

His spitfire of a wife. How many times had she ripped into people without him even asking her? There was a reason he’d had to develop such a casual demeanor about life and criticism – if he showed even the slightest sign of returning to those old, self-demeaning habits he had, Suzy flared up like she was ready to breathe fire. She protected him just like he protected her. That was what they did. He pitied Danny, if he and her crossed paths at the office today before...before what? Things got sorted out? Everything was pretty clearly fucked at this point, wasn’t it? There wasn’t anything to fix. It was done.

“Just go talk to Danny, please? Find out what really happened? I’ll text Brent and let him know everyone’s gonna be in late. You guys are lucky you’ve already got a buffer recorded. ...yeah, I’ll let him know. Thanks. Be safe.”

When Suzy came back into the room, she curled up next to Arin in her pajamas and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “Brian says he loves you,” she whispered. “And I love you too, baby.”

Her words were the first balm he’d had in almost twenty-four hours – no, even longer than that. He closed his eyes and sank into her and cried.

~~

The second that Danny’s door opened, Danny looked disappointed, and Brian wasn’t the least bit offended. “Oh. Hey.”

“Not him,” he said dryly as he let himself in and shut the door behind him. The next second he wrapped his arms around Danny and felt how the taller man practically wilted against him. “Hey, I’m here.”

“Is he okay?” Danny asked shakily.

“Didn’t Suzy text you?”

Danny sighed and buried his face in Brian’s shoulder. “I mean, yeah, but, like...I don’t mean physically. She just said he’s home. I think she hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you.” In times of crisis Brian burrowed deep within himself and found a neverending well of patience, and he pulled it out now, letting it flow freely. “She’s concerned. She thinks something happened here last night that neither of you are talking about.”

“I told her everything I know!” Danny burst out, the words rushing out of him as Brian slowly led him toward the couch. “He woke me up from a dead sleep before the sun was even up, I was sure somebody had to be dead or whatever, and he just, like, he asked me if I wanted to be with him or whatever? How the fuck was I supposed to know what to say to that?! I’d just woken up!”

As he might’ve expected. Brian sat them both down, but Danny stunned him by clinging to him even still. He threw a leg over Brian’s thighs and stayed hidden in his shoulder, tightening his arms with a shudder. Had he always craved physical contact like this when he was upset? It was the first time that he’d shown a desire for it – or even let himself be this vulnerable with him.

Brian pet slowly through his hair, making sure not to tangle his fingers in any curls. “Arin’s home. He’s with Suzy. Brent knows we’re all going to be late – fuck, we might not even make it in at this rate.”

“Because of me,” Danny murmured dully. “Because it’s my fault.”

“I’m not putting blame on you about anything, okay?” He kissed the top of Danny’s head. Odd how comforting him came so naturally when they’d never really been like this with each other before. It was like those years of closeness had finally broken down into something logical. Something that made sense. They were partners, through and through, and it showed.

Just as easily Brian imagined Arin’s face as he’d last seen it – forcing a smile, with his concerns still radiating around them – and he realized that he’d never seen Danny and Arin like this before. Not ever. Paranoia was never logical, but even the smallest aspects of an experience could make it grow. No wonder.

“Arin’s...afraid.” If he could spend an entire day comforting Danny before going into this, he would, but there wasn’t time. Suzy made it sound like this used to be a usual response from Arin, but that it hadn’t happened in years. If it was something that she couldn’t comfort him out of, then Brian and Danny needed to do whatever they could to clear up the misunderstanding. And it had to be a misunderstanding. Brian couldn’t imagine, after these years of watching how Danny admired and worshiped the ground that Arin walked on, that Danny had anything less than love for the man, regardless of how he chose to show it. “You know that, right? He’s afraid that you aren’t serious about him.”

Danny pulled away with a wounded expression. “Does he think he’s the only one who’s afraid?!” He gritted his teeth and pulled back, breaking Brian’s hold, and threw himself against the couch arm. “Does he think he’s the only goddamn man who’s ever been afraid of what’s going on in his relationship?”

The last thing Brian had expected was such a violent reaction. “Whoa, whoa, hold on.” He held up his hands. “What are you referring to?”

‘This!” Danny pointed at Brian, himself, then further down the couch – where Arin often sat when the three of them were having a date together. “Us! All of us! Don’t you think I’ve fucked up enough already without even trying?”

Brian shook his head in confusion. “Danny-”

“I almost ruined everything for you and me in one fucking night. I know I did.” He looked like he was fighting to be angry, but all that he received were eyes full of tears. “And okay, sure, we figured it out, but not everybody does that. You should’ve broken up with me on the spot. I hurt you.”

“Everybody hurts each other someti-”

“But not like that.” Danny sucked in a sharp, wet breath. “Look. We’re doing fine. The band’s doing fine. But if we’d broken up and called the band quits, you and me both know we would’ve been okay. Miserable and upset and whatever, but we would’ve still had our work with Grumps.” Before Brian could rebut that idea, Danny plunged ahead. “If Arin and I make this whole relationship thing deeper...if we make it more serious...it’s only a matter of time before I fuck up and he leaves me. And, when that happens, our entire livelihoods are at stake. You, me, Arin, Suzy – everybody in that office would have their lives fall apart. Do you know how long that’ll take to recover from?”

“Why are you saying that like it’s a done deal?” Brian reached for Danny, but when his lover flinched away he drew back. “Why do you just assume you’re going to ruin everything?”

“Because I always do!”

“And that means you’re just going to run before it happens?!”

Danny opened his mouth, then clicked it shut, glaring at the wall with a scowl.

“Danny. You’ve already hurt Arin. I know you didn’t mean to. I know that half of it is his fault for letting his mind get away from him without talking to somebody about it. But it already happened.”

“Goddammit.” Danny covered his eyes.

“But that doesn’t mean your relationship is fucked.” Brian gathered every bit of strength he could, forcing himself to keep his gaze on Danny. This wasn’t easy. But it had to be said. “People get hurt. People upset each other. Relationships take damage. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be rebuilt. Do you know how things like this get fixed? By sitting here, just like we are. By talking. By trying. Remember? Remember how we made love after everything happened? Remember how we reinstated our boundaries and showed how we cared about each other?”

Danny’s shoulders began to shake, hitched breaths breaking from his lips.

“Do you love Arin?”

“I do. I fucking do.” Danny dropped his hands into his lap and looked at the ceiling, tears streaming down his face. “It scares the shit out of me. I don’t know how to do this, Brian. I don’t know how to balance caring about two people like this. I don’t know how to play for keeps. You know that I haven’t had something that lasted longer than six months in years.”

“But it will, this time, won’t it?”

Danny snorted. “It will. Next weekend.” He paused. “...if...if Arin doesn’t just...end it because of this. Fuck, he’s gonna, isn’t he?”

It was impossible to stay clear headed while he watched Danny shake and cry. He’d barely ever seen it before. Only in Danny’s lowest moments, and looking miserable that he’d ever allowed himself to show weakness the entire time. But now? When Brian knew exactly how deeply he loved this man? It was torture. “You don’t know that. He loves you too. We’re going to talk about it, okay? All of us. Just like you and me did.”

Suddenly a burst of unamused laughter broke from Danny’s lips, and he looked at Brian with a grim smile. “It’s always me, isn’t it? It’s always gonna be me dragging this whole damn relationship to a stop. Why can’t it be as easy for me as it is for you two, huh? Why does it have to feel like pulling teeth to get me to be fucking brave when stuff like this happens?” Misery rolled off of him, clouding the room in darkness, and Brian’s hands twitched. “I’m sick of being the idiot that gives you two trouble-”

He couldn’t hold back anymore. Brian dove forward and hugged Danny tight, his heart breaking in his chest. “You’re not an idiot. You’re not. You’re the man we love. Do you hear me? We’d do anything for you. We already have.” Danny grabbed handfuls of Brian’s shirt and soaked through his shoulder with his tears, but he didn’t dream of pulling away. “Don’t you know who you are? Don’t you remember every single time you’ve been a solid fucking rock for Arin or me when we were just friends? When the whole world looked like it was going to fall apart, a-and you just sat there and listened to us and made us laugh so we’d stop freaking out?” Danny couldn’t erase those memories from Brian’s mind no matter how hard he tried. Long nights where Brian had one too many beers and mourned that their music was never going to go anywhere, where Danny so brightly pointed out that at least they were getting to follow their dreams with their best friend. The afternoon Brian had walked in on Arin stressed out about the response they received from one of their videos, and Danny keeping him afloat with jokes and comfort that came so easily to him.

Danny shook his head. “It’s not-”

“It’s that easy. That’s who you are, down to the core of you. You’re not a burden. You’re not trouble. You’re not ruining everything. You just...” He thought of Arin’s impatience and how quickly it had accelerated their relationship together – all three of them – and how, even still, Danny had held in there with them, even though he’d clearly needed so much longer. “...you need time. Don’t you?”

Danny stayed silent.

“You can take as much time as you need to. If you need to step back from our relationship or-”

“No.” Danny furiously shook his head again. “No, I don’t wanna leave you or Arin, I-I just...” He let out a shaky sigh. “I need...to talk to you guys. That’s it, isn’t it? When I’m freaking the fuck out, I need to talk about it, and then I feel better, and bam, it’s magic, it’s done, it’s all better.”

Brian snorted. “I can’t guarantee it’d be that easy, exactly, but...it’s worth trying, isn’t it?” He kissed Danny’s head, flooded with gratitude that his tone was evening out – that he wasn’t trembling anymore. “We can figure out some ground rules. Something you can say if you’re scared and need to talk about something, but don’t know how to do it. We can come over to your side for once instead of dragging you over to ours.”

“Even though it’d piss you both off?”

“It doesn’t piss me off to be patient with you, Danny,” Brian said slowly with a sigh. “I love you. More than I’ve ever loved anybody.”

Danny lifted his head, looking at Brian with watery eyes and tear tracks still shiny down his cheeks. “You mean it?”

“Duh.”

Danny smacked him in the chest, but it made him smile, and that was all that mattered. “I guess I love you too, asshole.”

“Good.” Brian cupped his cheek and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “You know what you need to do.”

Danny took a deep breath and nodded. “...yeah.”

“I’ll sit right here with you while you do it.”

“No.” Danny pulled away and raked his hair out of his eyes, looking away. “If I’m gonna call Arin, I-I wanna try to do it myself first. Be brave, and all that.” He shot Brian a look. “Exposure therapy, right? That’s what they call it?”

A stunned laugh burst from Brian’s mouth. “Sure? I guess?”

“Okay, then.” Danny pulled his phone out and stared at it. “...God, I hope he doesn’t break up with me.”

“One step at a time. Don’t get stuck in that feedback loop again. I’ll kick your ass.”

“Thanks.” Danny rolled his eyes as he opened his contacts. “As if an old man could kick my ass.”

“You’re only a slightly younger old man.”

“Fuck you.”

Brian laughed as Danny walked into his bedroom and shut the door behind him. Banter was good. Banter meant that Danny was getting his feet on solid ground again. It meant Brian hadn’t fucked up either.

He settled back on the couch and listened to the low, indiscernible murmur of Danny’s voice through the bedroom wall. This new relationship was tricky. Even after all this time together – all these years of knowing each other – it was tough getting it to work. A whole new way of communicating. A hundred ways that things could go wrong.

Or right.

Danny suddenly let out one of his bright, helpless laughs, and Brian closed his eyes. Warmth burst in his chest like a bomb – compersion, he realized, for maybe the first time. Compersion paired neatly with hope. With the idea that things might be okay.

After a few minutes, the door opened and Danny stepped outside, beaming as gave Brian a thumbs up while Arin continued to talk in his ear, and Brian winked at him and watched pink spread through his cheeks.

It was a process, day to day. But they’d get there. They’d figure it out, one step at a time.

~~

It was...embarrassing, Arin seeing his boyfriends again. He spent a solid four straight days making self-deprecating jokes both in and out of videos, and if Brian wasn’t giving him threatening looks through the glass then Danny was reaching over to put a reassuring hand on Arin’s leg.

Just...touching him. No goal in mind. No intent to seduce him. Just keeping a steady line of contact.

Did Danny know how much Arin craved that? How, every time he felt the solid weight of Danny’s touch on his thigh, his fingers went loopy on the controller? How his words took a second to make sense again?

It was a process, and he knew it well. He owed both of them a long explanation about his own past with anxiety and self hatred – but in due time. Unearthing those skeletons wasn’t pleasant around Suzy, who had lived through it, much less two men who had never really had the opportunity to see it. Instead, he had to focus on healing. On...doing better, whatever that looked like.

On Friday, he made a promise to both Danny and Brian that he wouldn’t say anything negative about himself, and they’d given each other conspiring looks all day. He succeeded – and, when everyone was starting to trickle out, Danny caught his hand and grinned and kissed him in front of the whole office. “Your reward,” he’d murmured with pink cheeks and a wink. “I’ll see you for our date tomorrow.” And then he’d left, while Arin stood motionless in the middle of the hallway trying to remember what both of them had even planned over the past few days, much less his own name.

Brian’s reward, as he might’ve expected, was a bit filthier, and involved bending Arin over a console and rimming him until he cried – but it worked. Never had Arin received positive reinforcement that made him jizz all over a desk, and the playful spank Brian gave him as he growled for Arin to clean it up only had him floating that little bit higher.

How easy they both made it to try. It wasn’t hard, now, to imagine a world where he could move forward and never let that sharp paranoia nip at his heels again. Did it still come over him that week? Of course it did, especially in the darkness of his bedroom when he didn’t even have to be asleep to see nightmares of Danny’s mournful face in the pre-dawn light – but Suzy curled closer and murmured something inarticulate and chased the shadows away, just like she always did.

It seemed impossible for a man like Arin to be so lucky in love. But he wasn’t going to second guess it.

~~

“What do you think?” Arin grinned at Danny and leaned against the wall while his lover pulled out the key to his house. “Was that dinner worth six months?”

“I think I ate about six months worth of food,” Danny drawled through a giggle, and Arin warmed. “It’s your fault if I burp all night.”

“Not all night, I hope.”

Danny shot him a look. “Why’s that?”

Arin chuckled. “How else are we gonna hear the movie?”

It was a low key celebration, and Arin was sure that people world over would’ve given them both the side eye for. But only dinner and watching a movie together in Danny’s house worked for them. They had conventions coming up. They had tours to think about. They didn’t have the time or the energy to plan something spectacular and massive.

Besides, time alone together was a gift in and of itself. Danny would see Brian alone on Sunday, and then the three of them were already planning to spent the night together in Danny’s enormous bed on Monday night. They’d make it work, and they wouldn’t waste a second.

A year together? Arin would sweep both Brian and Danny away for a private vacation – just the three of them – but neither of them had to know that yet, now, did they?

As they entered Danny’s house, Arin kicked off his shoes and flopped on the couch with a happy sigh. “You know what you wanna watch, babe?”

All night Danny had been calm, but now that he was home, he seemed a little jumpier than before. Nerves bit at Arin, and he shoved them away, refusing to give into the temptation to be suspicious about if Danny didn’t want him here after all. “Not really.” He waved Arin off. “You just pick something. Anything.”

“Cool. Time to turn you into a weeb!”

“No, your evil plan!”

Arin’s face nearly split open with the force of his grin as he turned on the TV and grabbed a controller to surf through Netflix. He’d barely gotten everything running when Danny sat on the couch watching him.

Arin glanced over. “What?”

“Nothing.” Danny grinned and rubbed the back of his neck. “You just, you look good, that’s all.”

A rare compliment. Maybe it was silly for it to burst like a fire flower in his chest, but Arin stammered with a quiet laugh, looking down at the controller and losing track of what he’d been doing. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Seriously. I like seeing you like this. Smiling. I think I fell in love with your laugh before anything else.”

“I can’t believe I have the Sexbang himself coming onto me.” Making it a joke meant that Danny could pull out when he got too uncomfortable with how deep in he was. It made sense.

But even still, Danny scooted closer until their thighs pressed together, then looped an arm around his neck. “Then I fell in love with the rest of you. And it was pretty fucking sweet.”

Arin shivered. He leaned into Danny, then caught his breath when he was only pulled in a little more. He tucked his legs under him and surrendered to the cuddle as he looked back at the screen.

Danny caught his chin and turned his head slowly, and the heat in his gaze when they locked eyes sent a crackle of lightning straight down Arin’s spine. Danny took a long moment to admire the shape of his lips before he tucked Arin’s hair behind his ear and leaned in.

Arin had expected two things from their inevitable sex tonight – either a lot of laughing and joking around or a sharp, sparking sort of passion. Those were safe for Danny, he’d come to realize over the past few months. Either he could turn his own strong response for Arin into something to tease about, or he could give himself over to it fully like a hurricane so that both of them were sore when it was over.

This slow, languid kissing didn’t fit into either category.

Arin whimpered as he tilted his head to the side, inviting him closer, and Danny hummed in response – but he seemed impervious to Arin’s silent suggestion. He kept the gentle pace steady, and Arin marveled at the simple perfection of how their slick lips moved together without a single interplay between their tongues.

It was...oddly innocent. Curious. Like two teenagers on their first date, not two grown men who knew each other’s bodies like the back of their hand. But, strangely enough, it seemed exactly like what Arin needed. He shivered from head to toe and melted into the cushions, and Danny’s lips quirked into a smile against his own.

After long, agonizing minutes, Arin distantly heard his gaming system turn off from inactivity, and Danny broke the kiss. Was it over, then? Was that all? Arin fumbled for the controller, but it fell to the floor as he gasped when Danny simply turned his head to press three feathersoft kisses over his neck.

“I’ve been looking forward to this all week.” There was a faintly amused tone to his words, and Arin tried to find his intelligent brain to quip back, but all he could manage was a weak moan as teeth nibbled lightly at his skin. “Fuck, you sound so hot...” Danny whispered as he interlaced two of their hands and squeezed.

Incredible, really, how Danny could make him hard in ten seconds flat. His cock had stirred from the gentle kisses, but those words were enough to have him aching in his sweatpants, and he immediately reached and groaned as he pressed the heel of his palm against his hardness.

“Not yet.”

“What?” Arin whined.

Danny bubbled up with laughter as he took Arin’s hand, then looped that arm around his own slender shoulders. “We’re taking our time tonight.”

“Are we?” Arin didn’t mean to sound so breathless, like he’d heard a great secret and his biggest dream combined, but out it came, and he squirmed when Danny chuckled again.

“I’m yours all night.” He thumbed over Arin’s knuckles with a pleased sigh. “And you’re mine.”

Time bled together in a dizzying way as Danny covered Arin’s neck, cheeks, and collarbone with kisses that felt like promises. His skin buzzed, oversensitive, until even the faintest tickle of Danny’s breath could make his hips lurch. If this was Brian, he knew he’d be held down, his wrists pinned to the couch and his legs kicked open so his entire body belonged to him in that moment – but Danny had no such desires. No, he seemed to want to let Arin ride the wave of his teases, shaking and gasping and moaning in turns as he waited for...for anything. Anything that Danny would gift him with.

“Bed?” Arin said once, hopefully, when wiggling made him aware of just how sticky his boxers were from precum.

“Not yet.” Danny sighed. “But...well. I guess we can take a minute and just...” As he trailed off he slid his long, thin fingers into the waistband of Arin’s pants and boxers, then pulled them down in one movement and dropped to his knees on the floor. Arin refused to let himself imagine what this might mean. He never received this from Danny. But there his lover was, looking him in the eye with a smirk as he ran his hands up and down Arin’s bare thighs.

Arin’s cock twitched, and Danny laughed – and then he leaned down.

The kisses began again, one right after the other, leading a smooth line up his legs that had Arin feeling like he’d gone to heaven. He’d always wondered, really, what sort of lover Danny was in the past – his laughter and his primal passion in turns seemed like rare things he might give into with women, especially given the faint misogyny he’d grown out of that might’ve manifested in the past as treating ladies as if they were shrinking flowers. Was this how he’d been with them, then? Slow? Teasing? Gentle?

Danny’s eyelashes fluttered with a shaky sigh, but he turned his eyes to Arin’s cock as he slowly approached it, one kiss at a time, with a certain heat in his gaze that couldn’t be ignored.

No, he wasn’t pretending Arin was someone else – some shadow of the past. He knew exactly who he was with. And he was burning up just like Arin was.

“Danny...” The word slipped out like a prayer. “Please, I-I...”

“Let me take my time.” The statement was easy and unassuming. Rich like honey. As their eyes met Danny smiled. “Let me show you how much I love you.”

Arin whimpered and slouched another inch, feeling like he might melt straight off the couch. This was what he’d wanted all week – wanted and then felt selfish for, after the idle fantasies slipped out of his mind. He couldn’t bear asking for anything like this – and, for the first time, he wondered why. Danny shouldn’t have to read his mind to know that Arin wanted him to take some slow, intimate time with him. Arin needed to tell him what he needed. Right?

He was unimaginably lucky that Danny had even given him the chance, after how Arin had acted. And he’d find a way to repay him in spades.

“Everything still square with testing?” Danny asked absently as he nosed his way along Arin’s sensitive thigh.

Forcing himself to think logically was quite a feat. “Y-yeah, Suzy and me, we, uh, we got tested, um, two weeks ago? Everything’s negative.”

“She’s still good with this? Not using condoms?” Though they’d talked about it in the past, they still rarely did it.

“Yeah, totally.” Arin barked a laugh. “Do you want me to get my phone out and call her and ask for you?”

Danny giggled. “Shut up, I’ve gotta be sure.” Somehow, Danny was the one, no doubt after his former quick series of entanglements, one right after the other, to make sure that everyone continued to check in about fluid bonding with each other – knowing that Suzy especially, not being involved with the two of them, was willing to trust them with unprotected sex with Arin, just like she and him had. It was a small thing, just an indication of how seriously Danny took this commitment – how much he cared about Suzy’s safety and consent as well – and it made Arin’s heart burst with adoration.

“I love you so much,” he whispered, sliding fingers delicately into Danny’s curls.

Danny hummed, his smile softening. “I love you too.”

The long swipe of Danny’s tongue up Arin’s shaft made him shiver, like sweat was breaking out all over his body, and he let out a moan that was just as desperate as he felt. Danny took his time. As if he’d been doing this for years, he suckled his way along Arin’s length with wet kisses, then lapped at the head of his cock over and over again just to turn his blood into lava. Arin twisted on the couch, prepared to be shoved back into place, but Danny only laughed and squeezed his hand around his thigh as he took just the head of Arin’s cock into his mouth.

“You’re so fucking good to me...” Arin went boneless and pliant as Danny slid the tip of his tongue through his slit. Pinpricks of pleasure burst on his skin. “Oh my God-”

Danny moaned around him, vibrations spreading up his shaft. His steadying hand slid down to run a finger over Arin’s balls without a hint of nerves.

Everything really was going to be okay, wasn’t it? Arin trembled with the force of the realization. After months upon months of waiting for Danny to continue his bi crisis and go running, he’d relaxed, and Arin had barely even realized it. What was it that had changed? Arin felt a sparking curiosity rush through him regarding Brian and Danny’s sex life alone behind doors. Had Brian been the one to whisper in Danny’s ear when he was anxious about what they were doing? Had he been Danny’s first in so many experiences and acts, just because it was secure when it was just the two of them?

Arin should feel jealous, he thought – but it never came. His whole soul rose above him, reaching out for Brian’s somewhere in town, effervescently happy. After all this time and all their worries and all of Arin’s fucking impatient prodding, something right had happened, and he felt more grateful than he could say.

Danny began to bob slowly on Arin’s cock, his slick mouth hot and tight around him, and he curled his toes as he groaned in appreciation. Danny seemed to light up from the wordless praise; he sighed and took him just an inch deeper, the fingers on Arin’s hip pillowing in his skin. It was obviously a process – Danny took his time with the blowjob because he had so little experience that he didn’t want to choke himself – but the act itself was immeasurably beautiful to Arin. He didn’t need it to be the best damn blowjob he’d ever had.

He just needed to feel his heart connecting with Danny’s.

“I need you to fuck me,” he said suddenly, before he’d even acknowledged the thought. “I-I need...”

Danny made an amused sound as he pulled off and turned his neck to suck on one of Arin’s balls.

“Fuck!” Arin slammed his head back on the couch. “I-I need t-to...to feel you. All of you. On me.”

With a sigh, Danny nodded. “Motherfucker, I wanted to spoil you, but...”

Arin blinked. “But?”

“...but I need it too.”

Something about the confession made Arin’s heart skip a beat. “Really?”

Danny stood up and pulled Arin to his feet, holding him tightly against his clothed body. “I need to know you forgive me. Really forgive me.”

“I did. I do. I told you, y-you didn’t even do anything I had to forgive--”

“I know you told me.” Danny’s arms tightened just that little bit more. “But I wanna feel it. If...if I can hold you and make love to you...”

Words that he never thought he’d hear Danny say. Words that sounded, somehow, like they didn’t deserve to come out of his mouth. Not with the persona that Danny had so carefully cultivated over years for his career. They sounded almost clumsy – like he hadn’t been expecting to say them – and something about it felt so real – not anywhere near fake, not in the slightest – that Arin’s knees shook. He felt like a corseted woman who hadn’t expected to be proposed to, needing to sit down to take the huge surprises of life, not like a naked man about to explode from the intimacy thick in the room around them.

“Then make love to me.” Arin’s voice shook with emotion, and he felt Danny chuckle quietly in response – like he couldn’t believe it was really something they were saying, admitting. “Fucking do it.”

“Hell yeah.”

Danny took both of Arin’s hands and walked backward through the house, beaming down at him, and it was on its way to being cute as fuck when he tripped over one of Arin’s shoes and sent both of them stumbling. The lightness of their laughter broke the overwhelming tension vibrating in the air as they made their way to the bed and both climbed in.

“You wanna, like, not use a condom here too?” Arin asked curiously.

Danny blinked at him. “You want that?” He couldn’t help but chuckle again. “You want my cum in your ass, dude, really?”

“I mean...” Was that going to gross him out to suggest?

Before Arin could overthink anything in the old, tentative headspace that he was still sorting through, Danny leaned forward and gave him such a dizzying kiss that it bled the thoughts right from his brain. “Yeah, sure, let’s do it.”

“You sure?”

Danny grinned. “Absolutely.”

Arin reached for Danny’s shirt, but he caught his hands and eased him to lay back on the sheets. Danny straddled him and slid his own shirt over his head – like giving him a show, and it was one that Arin was more than happy to watch. He let his gaze rove over Danny’s slender torso, catching on the sparse hairs of his chest, feeling the lurch of his body’s reaction to his lover. The sheer magnitude of his attraction – and how it was okay to feel – took his breath away.

His clothes fell away, little by little, jeans and socks and briefs joining the shirt on the floor, until Danny wrapped a hand around both of their shafts and gently began jerking them off together.

“No, no,” Arin whined, and Danny grinned impetuously. “Fuck me fucking now!”

“Let me take my time with you! God!” Danny hunched down to kiss him, and though Arin had the distinct feeling that it was only to shut him up, he gave in immediately, twisting their tongues together while Danny’s long fingers coaxed ripples of pleasure down his spine.

It nearly didn’t matter how much time he wanted them to take. Arin forced himself to jerk his head back and catch his breath. “I-if you take too much time, I’m...Danny, I’m not gonna last.”

Danny’s eyes widened. “You serious?” His sweet voice carried just a hint of a growl to it, one that rose with every movement of his hand. “You need me that bad?”

Words were impossible to grasp when Danny was hovering over him, his curls illuminated by the light on overhead, his legs tangled with Arin’s. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried desperately to calm down the tidal wave of arousal breaking through his body, but it was impossible. He couldn’t even catch his own breath. For the first time in months, he felt the strength of Danny’s fondness for him one hundred percent. There were no questions of if this was just to get off, or if he was only doing it because Brian was there.

No, this was fucking love, and it was goddamn overwhelming.

“Fuck, that’s hot,” Danny whispered as he leaned in for another kiss. He released their cocks, lathing his tongue over Arin’s bottom lip in silent request for him to open his mouth, and he gave himself up to it with another weak moan. Distantly he heard Danny’s hand open the nightstand and felt something hit the bed.

When he began to pull away, Arin grabbed his arms and whined. “Danny...”

“I’ve gotta finger you, dude,” he said with a chuckle.

“But...” He had the distinct feeling that if Danny pulled away – if their bodies stopped touching – that he might cry. His emotions were ratcheted far too high to come down that easily.

Danny kissed him again, swallowing the sounds he didn’t even realize he was making. “You’re gonna give me an arm cramp. Worth it.” He nudged Arin’s thighs apart with one leg, then half-draped himself over Arin’s torso, their hearts hammering against each other. It was enough for him to rub cold, slick fingers over his hole.

As he began opening Arin up, Danny kissed him with no sense of purpose or rhythm. It was like all he wanted to do was taste him for the rest of their damn lives. Why hurry? Why focus on something else? They’d get where they needed to be eventually.

It had taken them years, but they’d gotten here, hadn’t they?

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Danny whispered between kisses, and the words sluiced over Arin’s body. “I can’t fucking believe it, babe.”

“Yeah, well, look at you.” Arin cupped Danny’s stubbly cheek with one hand and grinned at him. “Jesus, your eyes are fucking gorgeous.”

Danny’s eyelashes fluttered with pleasure, and Arin filed it away, feeding on it. There was the instinct to feel embarrassed about the words, but...no, no more of that. It was worth it. Every word.

“D’you ever think...” Danny trailed off suddenly as he eased two fingers inside of Arin, glancing away.

Arin held his breath, adjusting, before turning Danny’s face back to look at him. “Think what?”

“I-I just...” He laughed. “This is dumb, with my fingers in your ass and all, but-”

“You’re not dumb. I wanna hear whatever you wanna say.”

Danny closed his eyes, teeth glinting through his sudden beaming smile. “Geez. Uh, I...do you ever think about what it’d be like if this all just...got serious?”

Arin blinked. “It is serious, isn’t it?”

“No, yeah, but I meant, like...like if all of us...”

Arin’s heart beat like a rabbit’s.

“...wouldn’t it be fucking cool if you, me, Brian, and Suzy all just...played house someday? If this just...never stopped?”

Fuck. Fuck. He knew that Danny was just dreaming out loud, like they did sometimes over burgers when they talked about the places they wanted to go on tour and the people they wanted to collab with. He knew that he wasn’t proposing fucking marriage or anything – that being together like this made thoughts and feelings and words rush just that little bit closer toward the surface until it was impossible to hold back. But the fact that it had been on his mind at all was incredible.

He could have a life like that, if all of them wanted it. If they all worked carefully. A place for just him and Suzy, but adding on a place for him and his men, all of them having a future together in a massive house with dreams and love and desires that they didn’t have to think twice about fulfilling.

Danny’s face blurred. Arin sucked in a shaky breath, and when Danny grinned back at him he hugged him tight so his mouth pressed against his ear. “I want you to fuck me like we’re there,” he whispered. “Like...like we’ve got our whole lives together, and we’ve been thinking about each other all day, and we just got back to our home, and Brian and Suzy are making dinner, and we just...we...”

“Yeah,” he whispered back. He shifted his fingers, dragging them over Arin’s prostate, and as he gasped and arched his back Danny kissed his cheek. “Fuck, I love you.”

“Love you too,” Arin barely managed to say before a tear slid down his cheek. He was being a huge baby, and he knew it, and he loved every second of it. He could be vulnerable here. He could know that Danny wanted these things, even just in a distant corner of his mind – that he fantasized about possibly having a whole life with Arin outside of work. That he wasn’t just looking for a way out.

Without asking if he was ready – just by reading his body and his moans – Danny shifted and pushed his cock inside of him, rolling his hips in slow, shallow thrusts as he worked deeper and deeper in. Arin clung to him. He wrapped his thighs around his slender hips and squeezed, arms so tight around him that Danny couldn’t slip away. “You feel so good,” Danny gasped.

Arin groaned in response, his eyes rolling back as he basked in the sensation. This slow push and pull, it felt real, tethering him to reality. He didn’t need anything else. He didn’t need to come. He just needed to feel the weight of Danny on his body and the way that they were joined and how every one of their cells felt like they were tingling and waiting to press together.

He drowned in the ragged, wet breaths Danny let out near his ear. He reveled in how Danny bottomed out, his hips flush against him, and how he hesitated there, like he never wanted to leave. He melted as Danny kissed over his neck, and as he squeezed around his lover’s cock he grinned when he felt him shiver from head to toe.

“Love you, I love you so much, I’ll never stop...” The words slipped from Danny’s lips as he began moving again, picking up his pace with hips that stuttered every time that Arin gripped him just that little bit tighter inside. The words knit something over Arin’s weary brain – like a blanket that fit snugly around the parts of him that had been so panicked at the beginning of the week.

“Don’t, don’t stop,” Arin begged on a gasp. The words only egged Danny on. He wrapped his arms around Arin, lifting him slightly off of the mattress; with their bodies pressed together, he could only pull an inch or two out of him, and he began to chase his release, their skin slapping together with the sudden rhythm he took. “Oh God-”

“Fucking beautiful,” Danny gritted out, his words shaking with the force of his thrusts.

It was everything. They were everything. Arin couldn’t hold back his litany of moans as he fixated every ounce of his focus on Danny – and he let out a sharp cry when he felt him come. His cock twitched inside of him, filling him up little by little, and Arin melted into the sheets, feeling utterly taken and desired and claimed-

“I’m a fucking selfish asshole,” Danny whispered barely a second after, not even tasting his afterglow before he lifted away just enough to shove between them and jerk Arin’s cock.

“D-don’t you fucking, don’t apologiz- shit…” Arin’s entire body began tingling, and he fought through it to speak. “I love this, I love you.”

“Couldn’t help myself.” Danny kissed him, still buried deep inside of him, his hand practically stripping his cock raw. “Needed you.”

And Arin had needed to be needed. He couldn’t verbalize it, not when he suddenly spilled in Danny’s hand with his name on his lips. Every part of him blurred into white hot pleasure, and he basked in it, trembling and gasping, until he slowly began to come down, right back into Danny’s arms.

“Jesus,” Arin whispered with a sleepy smile. “What the fuck, how am I supposed to go home tonight after that?”

“Don’t.” Danny lifted his head and watched him. “Don’t, just stay here. Text Suzy and let her know. Please.”

Never once had Danny practically begged for Arin to stay with him. He’d always smiled and kissed him and helped him get cleaned up and sent him home. Had he always wanted Arin to stay? Had he just been too afraid to ask?

“You sure?” Arin wiped what he realized with a shock was a tear track from Danny’s cheek.

Danny nodded. “Absolutely.”

After a long moment of drinking Danny in, Arin launched himself out of the sheets, falling straight onto his hands and knees, and Danny burst out laughing behind him as he scrambled to his feet. “You’re so stupid!” Danny called after him, and Arin grinned over his shoulder in good humor just before he disappeared into the living room to find his phone.

It was worth it. All the pain, all the fear, all the wondering and confusion. With Suzy’s sweet words of love, acceptance, and her invitation for him to have fun nestled in his mind, Arin crawled back into bed and wrapped every limb around Danny. He’d never take advantage of this feeling. He’d never forget it. He’d spend the rest of his life holding it close, as long as Danny held him just as tightly back.

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