so here i am, 2 weeks since we last talked, hugged, kissed. I remember holding you in my arms, telling you no matter what I would always love you. You were silent. That silence now speaks volumes in my heart, over and over again. a broken record stuck on each moment where I felt safe with you, and then fear.
My mind only gives me a moment of reprieve, and it comes back all over again. how you couldn't be honest with me. How we couldn't have a conversation. how after everything SHE did to you and you did to keep things "OK", you didn't feel safe enough to communicate and figure out anything, anything but a sudden plan of no contact with me. You blamed your relationship with her. you said I did nothing wrong. You said it wasn't what you wanted but what you needed. You left no room for conversation, completely shutting me out after months of support and what felt like true, deep love on both sides.
it still hurts. coming in waves.
I went to a mardi gras party last night I had hoped to take you to. But you really never wanted to come, did you? Maybe you liked the idea of it, but just as you dropped out of the show because it wasn't a high enough caliber for you, this party would have disappointed you too. You said you didn't have expectations. but the reality is, you didn't have any self awareness of your own expectations. Did you like the idea of me too? Was I too real for you? Too loving, too accepting? Too ready to bare my soul to the world and be completely honest about how I feel? did that scare you? If it did my dear, you have a lot of growing up to do.
How ironic how similar you are to my childhood ex, friend, lover. how I never seem to escape the pain of being hopelessly, anxiously in love with a hopeless, anxious avoidant.